So, I had this chapter half-written, and then I came up with an idea about how to continue the story, and now I'm so impatient to get there that I actually skipped the spin class I was supposed to go to tonight (didn't cry about it though :P ) and instead finished this chapter.
Rory sits in front of the desk in her old bedroom, staring at the computer. She bites her lower lip, closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and opens them again. With a determined look on her face she starts writing "Jess" in the google search field. She hesitates for several seconds before she hits space. She hesitates again, shakes her head and with a stern look on her face she erases the name.
She sits back in the chair and closes her eyes again. It's so tempting, all she has to do is enter his full name and maybe some specifics; the name of one of his books or where lives, hit search and then there will be at least a few pages of information for her to read. Probably a few book reviews, maybe even an interview.
She doesn't know what she needs the information for. She doesn't know why it is so tempting to see the results from googling "Jess Mariano Philadelphia". What is she hoping for? A webpage with the words "Rory Gilmore, I haven't moved on, come look me up" written in big letters?
She shakes her head and relocates herself from the chair to the bed, thereby removing the temptation of having the computer so close at hand.
She should stop obsessing. His letter expressed very clearly that he didn't want to see her again. How was that supposed to work anyway? Her mother and Luke were practically living together already and the preparations of Rory's wedding had lit a spark in both of their eyes. Did he want them to have shared custody? She gets Christmases and he gets Thanksgivings? Even if he didn't want to spend his holidays with Luke at all because of her, his mother still lived in Stars Hollow. And not to forget Doula, his little half-sister. He had to visit them at some time.
And what if her mother and Luke did decide to get married? Would he not go to the wedding only to avoid seeing her?
She sighs. "Don't look me up" wasn't exactly the same thing as "I don't want to see you ever again".
What if they would meet at the wedding? She would probably be involved in the ceremony, and so would he. Maybe they would stand on each side of Luke and Lorelai when they exchanged their vows. She closes her eyes and tries to see the scenario before her eyes. The minister would start talking about love; he would say wonderful, big words about love, words that shot right to your heart and maybe then Jess would look up at her and realize he didn't know what he was talking about when he said that he moved on.
What if he brought a date to the wedding? Her daydreaming comes to an abrupt end as that thought crosses her mind. Maybe he has moved on to someone else?
A suffocating desperation rises in her body as she reaches for the letter, which she never keeps out of sight. She reads the part where he tells her he has moved on over and over again, looking for signs indicating that he has moved on to someone else.
I've moved on. That last bit of hope that I so eagerly held on to all these years, I have finally let go of it. Although I will always cherish you in my heart, although I will always love you more than any words could ever describe, I felt this great sense of freedom the moment I let go.
He's saying he felt a great sense of freedom when he let go. You're not free if you belong to someone else. Or maybe he only meant he's free from her, freed from the hope of them ever being together. Maybe there was a girl that helped him attain that sense of freedom. Maybe that was how he was able to let go – by grabbing on to someone else.
The thought of Christmases, Thanksgivings and weddings with Jess and a girlfriend makes her feel sick. Jess with a girl. Jess with another girl. No! It couldn't be. They belonged together she and Jess. He couldn't be with another girl, that would be wrong.
On the other hand, not even two days ago she almost married another man. Almost. She didn't marry another man, she only almost did. Jess had stopped her from making that mistake. What if he needed her to stop him from making a similar mistake?
Maybe she should write him a letter, tell him that she hasn't let go. Tell him that she can't see how she will ever be able to move on.
No, she isn't going to do this again. She isn't going to talk herself into believing that he didn't truly mean what he wrote in the letter.
She has to do something other than sit in her room and think. Her thoughts are too dangerous; to misleading. She needs to focus on something else to take her mind of Jess.
She walks out into the kitchen. It's empty. She takes a look around and calls out "Mom?"
"I'm out here!" Her mother yells back from outside.
She walks out and finds her mother standing on the lawn, holding one end of a leash. On the other end of the leash is Paul Anka sitting, looking at her with an amused look on his face. If dogs can even look amused, although Paul Anka isn't like any other dog, so if anyone could it would be him.
"What's going on?" She asks, smiling.
"Well" Lorelai answers. "I'm trying to take Paul Anka for his walk, but he suddenly decided that that the lawn in our front yard is bordered with an invisible force field, which is impossible for him to cross. Obviously not caring that I have to be back at the Inn in less than…" She takes a quick glance at her watch "…20 minutes for the staff-meeting."
"I can take him" She offers, holding her hand out towards the leash.
"You, sure? It would save me from Michel ranting about me being late for staff-meeting – again."
Rory nods.
"I'm sure."
Lorelai hesitates for a second before handing Rory the leash.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She says as she hurries inside to switch her shoes and grab her bag.
"No problem. I need the distraction." She says and looks at Paul Anka who is staring at her, seeming a bit confused about the switch.
"Is there anything else I can do to help? I mean, the cancelling stuff, is there anything you want me to do?" She asks, desperate to find something that will distract her mind.
"No, everything's taken care of." Lorelai shakes her head as she talks and puts on her shoes.
"Are you sure? I could really need something to take my mind off…things."
"Well…" Lorelai walks out on the porch and stops to ponder. "If you really need something to take your mind off things you could go to the video store, rent a really good movie and I'll pick up some junk food from Al's on the way home and tell Luke he has to work late tonight and we'll have a movie night. Sounds like a good enough distraction for you?"
Rory smiles.
"As long as it's not a romantic comedy were they all end up being happy and in love, it's good enough for me."
Lorelai stops besides Rory on her way to the car and puts her arm on her shoulder.
"You know what? For you, we could even rent that Fast and the Furious movie you've been nagging at me watch with you."
Rory wrinkles her forehead.
"Pretty sure it was you nagging at me to watch that movie with you."
"Nooo, you sure? I could have sworn it was the other way around."
Rory nods, smiling.
"Mhm, pretty sure I said no to watching it every single time you asked me."
"No, I said no every single time you asked me. But now, tonight, seeing as it is you that need a distraction – I'm saying, yes, we can watch The Fast and the Furious."
Lorelai starts walking to her car.
"Nice try mom!" Rory yells after her.
Her mother turns around and looks at her, pouting.
"But I so want to see that movie!"
"Watch it with Luke!"
"It's not the same!" She says before she jumps into her car and starts backing out of the drive way.
"Okay." Rory turns to face Paul Anka. "I'm not in a hurry. I could wait all day. So I guess I'll sit down and we can wait that force field out together." She bends her knees to sit down when Paul Anka suddenly darts to his feet and starts pulling the leash down the drive way, following Lorelai's car.
"O-okay. A fast walk I guess it is then." Rory says, jogging along, trying to hold the dog back.
Okay, a quick question, hoping there's someone out there who's better at math than I am: between the episode "The real Paul Anka" in season 6 and the series finale in season 7, how much time did pass? A year? A year and a half?
Logan graduates in the last episode of season 6 and Rory in the last episode of season 7, that would make it a year between those episodes, right?
I suck at math, and this is not a vital question for the continuation of the story, but since I started thinking about it it's been driving me crazy and I would like to get it right. So, anyone?