Rory turns off the light and crawls into bed. They hadn't done much talking during the movie – that was a first. But it had felt good concentrating your thoughts on something besides the commotion going on around and inside her.
How did she get herself into this mess? Is it even possible to feel this many emotions at the same time? Love, desperation, regret, guilt, despair, anger, sadness and that stubborn little ounce of hope that never gives up.
I've moved on. You don't go and try to get someone back when they said that they moved on.
I've moved on. It's so definite, I have moved forward and left you behind.
I've moved on. How could those simple words evoke such pains?
I have finally let go. Finally, as if it's something he's wanted to do for a long time.
Her eyes fill up with tears. "I have not let go" she wanted to scream, she wanted to get up on the roof top and scream out to the world "I have not let go, I have not moved on". Instead she pulls the cover over her head and whispers into the pillows: "I have not let go."
With her head filled with thoughts about Jess and Logan she drifts away to sleep. Sometime after the first beams of daylight she starts dreaming.
She's standing in Logan's dorm room at Yale. He's standing right in front of her, only a few inches away.
"I'll be your boyfriend." He says, looking down at her.
"You can't be my boyfriend."
"Why not?"
"Because you told me that you can't be my boyfriend."
"If I say I can, then I can."
Before her eyes Logan's hair darkens, as does his eyes. His upfront, almost giggly laughter turns into a crooked smile.
"Jess!" She exclaims and moves closer towards him and reaches her hands out as to embrace him.
"I'm sorry" He says and puts up his hand between them as to keep the distance."Did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I just happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me, or did the postman happen to lose all those letters you wrote to me? Then you come back here all put out because I didn't just sit around and wait for you?"
He's talking about the summer she spent in Washington, the summer before they admitted to themselves, and everyone else, that they had feelings for each other. Strong feelings.
"I' sorry Jess. I…I just didn't know what to say." She tries to explain to him. "I tried, I wanted to. You were on my mind that entire summer. I may have written letters to Dean, but I dreamed of you."
"Come with me." He says in a calm voice.
"What?" Suddenly they're standing in her old dorm room at Yale.
"Come with me." He repeats, more insistent this time.
"Where?" It doesn't matter where, she'll go with him anywhere, but the question comes out before she can stop it.
"I don't know…away!"
"It's not what I want" It is what she wants, but she can't control her words, she has no influence over the words coming out of her mouth. It's like watching a movie, only she's one of the actors and she has no control over what's happening, the script was written long ago and can't be changed.
"You know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it to. I know you do"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Yes, yes, yes, yes is what she should say. Yes we're supposed to be together, I know that now, I didn't know it then, but I know it now.
"Don't say 'no' just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say 'no' if you really want me to move on." If you want me to move on? Was that really in the script? How come he can change the script but she can't.
"No." The word comes out of her mouth without her being able to control it.
Jess has started walking away, he's already out the door. Panicked, afraid that it's too late she runs after him, she has to catch him before he leaves her life forever. She runs out the gates of the dorm house…and steps into Truncheon? She looks around her, filled with confusion. Yes, it's Truncheon. She looks around and sees Jess sitting at a stool in the middle of the room.
"Jess." She says and runs up to him, he looks up at her.
"I thought everything was fixed."
She walks up to him, takes a breath and just as she's about to tell him that now everything is fixed he starts talking again.
"I hate this. I don't deserve this, Rory." He gets up from the stool and walks towards the stairs, he grabs the banister with one hand, turns around to face her again and says:
"I'm finally letting go."
Suddenly the ground she's standing on disappears and she falls. Everything is dark around her and the falling gets slower and slower until she simply floats through the darkness. A voice is heard, she can't see or hear where it's coming from, it's just there, surrounding her.
"Citalopram, paroxetine, sertraline, what you got her on?"
"No-nothing." A confused voice answers.
"Using chemicals to increase the amount of serotonin in the brain is nothing to be ashamed of. Although the link between serotonin deficiency and symptoms of depression have been questioned, you're right. Maybe Benzodiazepines would be the way to go? But then there's the risk of dependency. Do you have addiction running in your family?"
"It's not that kind of depression Paris, and besides I think she has already gotten better, despite the lack of chemicals."
Slowly she opens her eyes, realizing that she's no longer dreaming. The voices she recently heard while floating through the darkness belongs to her mother and Paris. They're standing right outside her door, talking.
A/N: I never cared much for describing dreams, or reading descriptions about dreams, but somehow I wanted to write this chapter…
I'll be going away for the weekend (and some days at the start of next week) so there'll probably be some time before I can update again.
My intention was to post the next chapter before leaving, but it's not finished yet… So, until I get back I'll leave you with a short preview of the next chapter (mainly because I'm terribly excited about it!).
OoOoOoOoOo
It doesn't sound familiar to Rory. Or does it? She feels like there's something she should remember, but there are too many thoughts running through her mind at the moment. And that stubborn hope that's started to raise again is blocking out almost everything else, even breathing.
"What about it?" She says staring at a smiling Paris.
"You see, he's clever. The spelling is what got me on the right track." Her smile is proud.
OoOoOoOoOo
A/N: I'd love to hear your thoughts about the preview – which track do you think Paris is on? Is it a completely insane track, or do you think she's actually found something, and in that case, what could it be?
Sorry for leaving you like this…but I promise you on Wednesday at the latest I'll post the next chapter. Hope my little preview didn't spoil anything! (And if it did, please don't hate me, I've been planning for the next chapter since I started writing chapter 2, and I've been wanting soooo bad to drop hints about that chapter ever since, and now that I didn't have time to finish it and post it before leaving I couldn't restrain myself any longer…)