I collapsed in James' arms sobbing so hard he actually had to scoop me up to get me away from the door, I couldn't move.
He carried me in to my lounge and sat down with me in his arms.
No words could come out, I just cried untill I couldn't no sat in silence for many minutes after my breath would stop sucking in the cries that would no longer come out.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered.
He held my hands out in front of us as I lay on his lap and he examined them.
"Jumped a plane, figured you might need someone" James' voice was soft, but it saddened me that he had got on a 2 hour plane journey from Vancouver to L.A.X but kendall hadn't even thought about me since he arrived in canada.
My head pounded from the crying.
"It's gonna be okay sheriden" he spoke softly to me.
I shook my head in denial.
"It will be I promise" he kissed the side of my forehead that he could reach.
"It won't ever be alright James" my voice so low it was bairly audible.
"I love him so much" tears silently fell from my face again.
"I know you do sheriden, but you will get over this, your so strong". He wrapped his fingers in to my own.
"I won't get over this...him, James, its not that easy" the sobs began again."I'm... having kendalls... baby" I completly broke down.
I just about heard James sooth in my ear "oh sheriden, come here..." and he pulled me in to his chest as I cried.
James must of held me crying til I fell asleep.
I woke up and it was still light outside.
"What's the time?" My voice was dry and croaky.
"Just after 6pm sheri" he sat me up and stroked my hair from my face.
"Does kendall know?" he took a deep breath "about the baby I mean"
He had pain in his tone.
"No... I only found out 3 days ago, your the only person that knows"
I rubbed my aching head.
His next words were cautious, "are you... gonna keep it?"
I looked at James, the pain in my face made him look away.
"Yeah I am" I replied.
He hugged me.
"It's all going to be fine okay" his words were meant for me, but I felt he was reassuring himself too.
"When was the last time you ate?" He scanned my frail looking frame with worried eyes.
"Im not sure, but I physically couldn't eat a thing James"
I crossed my arms against my chest to try to dull the ache in my heart.
"Cmon, its not just you you have to worry about now huh" he pulled my hands away from myself and gently pulled me to my feet.
James led me to the kitchen and pulled a chair out for me to sit in, he proceeded to make me some food insisting I would feel better after I had eaten.
He sat across from me at the table and made sure I got some food inside me.
I asked how Carlos knew kendall had slept with this mystery girl, he informed me that the rooms were next door to each other and it was pretty obvious from the noise.
Kendall had been going out each night and getting drunk.
No one knew what was wrong untill Logan had mentioned to Carlos about the small scene in James' trailer the day he left for Canada.
The chime rang on the door, James got up to answer it for me, it was tammi.
She walked in to the kitchen and pulled the chair out next to me, she held my arm with both of her hands like she was about to announce the death of a family member.
My thoughts strayed to jay.
She spoke so kindly, it didn't sound like tammi,
"Sheriden babe, I got a message for you from kendall...he has been trying to call you today... you know to sort it out" she squeezed my arm in a caring way.
"He wants you to call him.
Turn your phone back on babe" She gave a forced smile to end her message from kendall, I wondered if kendall had a grin on his face when he phoned tammi to pass this crap on.
I sat quietly for what seemed hours but was really only minutes.
"Tell kendall I've got nothing to say. It's over" tammi looked at James with her mouth half open.
James now came and sat on the other side of me, he found it his place to talk now,
"sheriden, your just angry okay" he held my hand on the table top.
"you have a lot to think about" he squeezed my hand in emphasis to our secret about the baby.
I looked James in the eye.
"I can't forgive him for it James".
James just looked in to my eyes not saying a word.
"Well I best get going sheriden" tammi stood up and tucked her chair in, James stood up to and walked tammi to my front door. They chatted amongst them selves in hushed voices for several minutes then I heard the door gently shut.
James walked back in to the kitchen."Did you tell her I'm pregnant?" I accused as he sat back down.
"no, course not, listen sheri about this breaking up with him idea you have in your head. I'm not sure your making the right decision..." he looked at the grain in the dark wood table.
"James I cant believe you of all people want me to put up with that shit" his words had rattled me.
"I don't, obviously! but your gonna need him, your back is fucked already, look at you. How you gonna do this on ya own" he looked ashamed at the words that had left his mouth.
I started to cry as I realised his words rang true.
"What am I gonna do James... I can't forgive him... I can't" I covered my face with my hands.
"Shhh, come here" James pressed me in to his chest,
"you've always got me sheri, always got me..." he soothed as he held me against him.
Once again I felt safe in James' arms, nothing more could hurt me here.
James stayed til past midnight with me, he sat next to me while I lay in bed, I vaguely aknowledged him kiss my forehead before he clicked my bedroom door shut and left to get his flight back to vancouver.
I phoned James the next day to say I had changed my cell and my home number and gave him the details. I asked him to please pass it on to Carlos too.
He asked how I was doing, I felt so bad but I couldn't even lie to make him feel better.
"I'm just gonna stay in bed today, maybe a days rest will ease my back?" I replied
"Sheriden promise me your gonna look after yourself!" His voice was kind but stern.
"I promise James" He told me he was coming back to L.A. in 3 days to check on me.
"Call me anytime sheri okay", our conversation came to an end.
"Thanks James, your one in a million you know" I didn't even ask about kendall, as far as I was concerned he had blown it, I knew James and Carlos had to keep things on an even keel with him else the walls of what all four of them had built would come crashing down, and however much kendall had hurt me, I wouldn't want it to end for any of those boys because of me.
I said my goodbyes to James. It was hard to hang up.
Between the two of them James and Carlos kept me company with their phone calls from Vancouver, Carlos' were harder to appreciate because he had no clue to the extent of my dilemma I had worked my way in to.
Carlos had said that kendall was a mess. He knew he had ruined it. And sounded as if Carlos had also become a shoulder to cry on for kendall too aswell as me, in a way I was glad, knowing that the boys all still did have each other to rely on.
I had cut kendall from my life completly, he had no known number to call me on and I had blocked him on my Twitter, I prayed he had learnt from kaceys mistake to not write anything personal on there.
Kendall was such a large part of my life, even before we started dating. It was hard to not miss it, but the hurt I felt had destroyed and taken over from the love I had for him in my heart. I gave my all to kendall i loved him so dearly. I felt utterly crushed. I bet kendalls mom was loving all this, she hated me.
I had only met her twice. she had obviously done her homework on me before kendall inroduced us. she made it very clear I wasnt welcome to have her son. I took all of her shit though. all her rude comments.
I stayed polite and just smiled much to kendalls astonishment as usually I become very vocal if someone rubs me up the wrong way... not that I would of hit her in the head like I had with logie.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when she gets the news im having his baby... that thought cheered me up considerably.
The day had arrived for the return of James. I hadn't left the house since I found out I was pregnant so some company that wasn't from Gladis my house keeping lady would be much appreciated.
James swooped in and fed me and forced me to get dressed instead of lounging in my pyjamas. He even did some shopping for me so he knew I was looking after my self when he was back in Vancouver and ate well.
He seemed happy that I didn't look quite as bad as I had 4 days ago.
James sat in my lounge as I stood stretching my back in a manner of ways trying to find comfort, looking out of the large windows that oversaw my gardens to the front of the house.
James hadn't mentioned kendall as yet, so I knew it was coming
"Sheriden, about the baby... Kendall is gonna find out sooner or later, what are you going to do? not let him see it?" James shifted uncomfortably In his seat on my couch.
"I will tell him James, I'm just not ready to talk to him yet" I held on to the sill of the window.
"I wouldn't stop him from being a father" I added.
"You need to start getting back to some normality, get yourself back in that office. Then you can concentrate on getting your head sorted to concentrate on being a mother". James stood up and walked over next to me.
We both stared out the window.
"I can't face work" I straightened my back and let go of the sill.
"I'm not gonna give up you know...this.. what your doing is gonna make you feel worse, you need to call kendall and clear the air then you can face the world again", he didn't move as he spoke, just carried on looking in to my garden.
"I'm not calling him, I will talk to him when he is back from Vancouver, I promise" I flashed a forced smile his way and moved over to the couch where I eased my self in.
Silence fell on us.
"You be okay for half hour? I just gotta go home quick" James was still taking in the lustre from my garden view.
"Yeah course" I whispered, James kissed my head as he walked past then left my house, I sat in silence thinking about kendall and crossed my arms over my chest to help numb the pain in my heart.
I must of fallen to sleep waiting for James to come back.
He had layed a blanket over me and was sat in a chair fiddling on his iPhone.
"Hey lazy" he mocked.
I smiled at him.
"I have something for you" he picked up a gift bag that was sat on the floor beside him and came and sat next to me on the couch.
He handed me the bag. it was very pretty, covered in lace and ribbon.
I looked at him puzzled.
"You didn't get to celebrate your birthday the other day, I thought maybe you might want to today.
I took the bag and opened it up.
The first item I pulled out was a picture frame it had a necklace carefully attatched to it.
The framed picture was of myself, it was the cover of a copy of vogue magazine. The picture was of the first time I had made the front page and boasted the slogan "make way for the brit" then written underneath was 'sheriden Lloyd takes America by storm". Which was a bit of a joke in reality because I was under storm model management at the time.
The necklace was a white gold locket, a lock and keyhole design on the front with small diamonds encrusted as a frame around the lock, on the back had the inscription "my cover girl". Cover girl was the name of a song on the boys latest album they had out. james often teased that the song was about me, I had no idea that he actually meant it from his heart.
I was speachless.
I layed my head on James' shoulder as a way of saying thanks.
"There is a little something else in there too" he reminded me.
I placed my hand in and pulled out a small soft item, once out of the bag I unfolded it to see it was a tiny baby grow in yellow.
A small laugh popped out my mouth then tears fell from my face.
"Thank you" I whispered.
He kissed my forehead and stood up.
James made me some dinner before he left for L.A.X. I went back to the sofa and curled up with my head on his lap.
We didnt talk. I felt James was trying to collect his thoughts. He promised to phone the next day. Then he was gone.
I went up to bed and Hung my new picture frame on my bed side table. The frame was silver, it had swirls of metel, ornating around my picture.I put the necklace on, sweeping my long hair free from the chain, I held the locket in my hand, reading the inscription again.
I thought of my skiing accident and wondered where I would be now if I hadn't of fell down that slope, I remembered the helicoptor flight to the hospital, my friend jenni was hysterical waiting for help to arrive... then my mind went blank and I had a dreamless sleep.
Over the next few days I tried to pull myself together, I had decided against James' advice of returning to work.
Instead I rang around enlisting the help of others that could temporarily take care of my agency.
Kendall had attempted to contact me through my email. I read one of them. It was simply put,"Sheriden, please baby call me. I have messed up and I need to make it right. I love you sheriden, your my world. Please call me."
I deleted it and directed all his others to my trashcan.
I wondered what was going through his head when he invited the girl to his room.
The papers had told me she was called dekota channing and was 18.
I made the mistake of looking her up on Twitter. Just an ordinary girl that had struck gold with taking my kendall. She had made a few recent tweets about normal stuff like what song she had stuck in her head or that she was off to lunch and tagged a load of her friends in it. She hadn't boasted of her night with kendall at all.
I closed my laptop.
Carlos phoned me everyday, he had taken to the strategy of pretending kendall didn't exist, he stopped talking about him and just told me stories of his day, which were usually filled with hilarious antics.
I missed Carlos and his care free mind.
The weeks went by slowly, the day arrived that the boys would arrive back in L.A. I had mixed feelings. dread, that I knew kendall would soon be hunting me down and relief that Carlos and James could rally round and help me pick up the pieces of my life.
The door chime rang just after lunch, my chest swelled with pain, and my stomach was nauseous.
I had spent weeks mentally preparing myself for this moment, but now it had arrived my emotions took over my body.
I opened the door tearful, kendall stood there.
"Come in" I croaked.
We walked in to the kitchen and sat at my dark wood table.
"Why?" I whispered at him, looking him in the eyes as tears rolled from my face.
He looked away from my gaze and to his hands resting on the table top
"I was drunk, and angry and...I don't know, you know".
I wiped my face to make way for more tears, "angry? You slept with someone because you were angry?" My voice was low and shook.
"I wanted to hurt you for hurting me, but I didn't mean for things to go as far as they did sheriden, it was the drink. you have to believe me" he held my hand but I pulled away and placed both my hands on my lap under the table.
"How exactly have I hurt you kendall?" My voice spat venom at him.
"I'm not stupid sheriden," he stood up and walked around the table, he continued, "I know you have been with James".
He leaned on the kitchen side.
"What? You think I've been fucking your friend behind your back?"
My voice turned high. He looked at me then sat back at the table.
"well I know you did in Florida, and your massage session in my pool, and you freaked out after kacey planted that slap on him. Then you and him were always together in that fucking trailer. Carlos even said that James was after you on my birthday"
"I have never slept with James!..." I bit back."Get out! You have ruined my life... Get the fuck out!" I broke down in sobs.
"Why has he been flying back from Vancouver to see you then sheriden? Keeping my side of the bed warm for me is he?"
I found some strength inside me and shouted back,
"because he is my friend kendall, my friend! Is that too hard to understand".
My sobs were uncontrollable, my entire body was shaking. I put my head in my hands.
"Please go!" I pleaded.
He walked out without another word.
Three days had passed since kendall had been round, carlos had become a permenant fixture in my home, he was shocked at the way I looked and felt the need to look after me.
James was also a frequent visitor, I had told them both what kendalls reasons for doing what he did were, carlos tried talking me in to going to talk to kendall again, James also thought this was a good idea as he knew I hadn't told my baby news to anyone yet.
We decided that we would all go, then James could explain his part and carlos could back him up as he knew James and I didn't do anything apart from kiss in Florida, and believed we never had done anything behind kendalls back.
I also needed them both there as support for when I told kendall he was going to be a father.
Carlos had arranged with kendall that we would be visiting him, I made Carlos sound clear that it was just to straighten things out and to collect my things that were at his house.
We walked in to kendalls house in silence, James sat next to me on one of the black couches, and carlos sat next to kendall.
"Is this when you tell me you two are together now?" Kendall muttered as he looked between James and I.
I stayed silent
"Kendall man, we are not seeing each other!" James' voice was calm.
"Kendall its true, they never have...you know...sealed the deal", Carlos backed James' case up.
"Can I speak to you alone sheriden?" Kendall looked at me as he spoke.
I looked at Carlos and nodded, him and James walked out to the kitchen, kendall came and sat next to me, he looked rough, wearing sweats and his hair even more of a mess than usual.
"You look ill sheriden" his voice gentle, so as not to start my tears rolling.
"Thanks!" I whispered sarcastically back at him.
Kendall spoke his side of the story again, filling in gaps of things he had picked up on, and the true sorrow he felt for what he had done.
"I really want to put this behind us and start again, I love you, I know we can work through it" tears fell from his eyes and he confessed his hopes.
"I can't forgive you...I just cant" I managed to hold my own tears in.
Kendall stood up, he walked in thing I knew the mirror i had once Tidied my hair infront of after making love to kendall had been knocked from its hanging place on the wall, in his own rage, kendall shouted at himself
"I fuck everything up, always!"
His dog started barking and carlos and james hurried back in to the scene of the noise.
I cast my mind back when kendall and I were just friends, he was so laid back and i wondered what it would take to make him mad.
It had never crossed my mind that it would someday be me.
"Kendall calm down" James shouted at him.
"Fuck it, fuck everything" kendall carried on, the flat screen left the wall next,
I scooped my knees up in my arms in fear watching kendall lose his cool infront of me.
"Kendall! kendall! For fucksake sake man your scaring the shit out of her" James tried to grapple kendall.
"It doesn't matter now though does it" kendall screamed back at him.
"it does man, it does. She's having your fucking baby.." James shouted then stood still. as did kendall
Kendall slumped to the floor on his knees and looked at me."Your pregnant?" His voice cracked through his tears.
I replied through my own that had begun falling "yes"
"What? ... since when?" Carlos sounded in disbelief.
"She's 8 weeks gone" James filled him in, his voice soft.
"Why didn't you tell me shoo, I would of come home" Carlos spoke as he came to sit next to me.
I shrugged. my mind was in a spin, I felt sick.
"I'm gonna be sick excuse me" I got up and stumbled up the stairs.
I went in to kendalls room towards his ensuite, I noticed he hadnt even unpacked his cases yet, his room was a state, it looked as if he had been living up here in bed since he got home.
I kneeled down against the toilet, nausea waving over me.
I splashed water over my face after my stomach had stopped heaving. and sat myself on kendalls bathroom floor, the tiles against my back felt cool.
Kendall knocked and walked in, he sat on the floor next to me.
After a few minutes he spoke.
"What happens now?" His voice barely a whisper.
"We get on with it I guess" I said matter of factly.
"Sheriden I was sure you and James were..."he paused.
"Nope! just friends" I retorted, I could see his point though, James and I were very close. But I still hadn't done anything wrong.
"All the signs were there..." kendall was trying to get his head round the events that had just happened.
"Do you swear?...that its mine I mean" He honestly believed I had been fucking James.
I felt sick again, this whole mess was my fault for being over friendly with James.
"I swear, i'll get a paternity test if you want? if that's what it takes... I will prove to you that its all in your head" my voice was calm.
"No you don't have to do that" he stretched his legs out on the floor.
"Kendall I can't forgive you for what you've done, but I won't stop you from seeing your child"
I stroked his stretched out leg.
"I cant live without you sheriden, I love you so much" he reached for my hand that was on his leg.
"I don't love you anymore kendall, its all gone, I just feel empty in my chest" I squeezed his hand and moved in to hug him, he opened his arms to me and we both sat on the floor in an embrace