Tony has noticed that a lot of women seem to have this innate thing for things that look like they need help; and he wouldn't say he's necessarily exploiting it if he makes his limp more of a pained stagger when he walks into the police station, which is more like a basement that has been inexplicably detached from its house with a desk and three holding cells glued up inside it.
He can tell that Pepper is angry, but after taking a look at him she's definitely more worried than mad. He counts it as a win.
"You look whacked out! What happened?"
Before Tony can milk it Al Ruiz opens his mouth and Tony knows his only out was just taken out back of the station and shot in the head.
"Drank Dick Amarillo out of house and home and then couldn't pay for it. They didn't give him anything he didn't deserve." Says the police chief and Tony can feel A) that the man doesn't like him and more importantly B) That Pepper doesn't like him that much right now either.
"So, it's back to this again, huh Tony?"
"Look, I'm cutting you loose, and I got you pancakes. Can you read me the riot act without Smokey over here breathing down our-"
"Yeah, let's piss off the cops-"
"Cop, actually-"
"After this you are driving me straight home! And then I never want to talk to you again!"
Al Ruiz has unlocked the cell and Pepper stomps toward Tony, takes the box of pancakes out of his arms, and then completes her exit.
Tony looks toward Al Ruiz and The Police Chief looks right back at him. Tony doesn't know what his mouth is about to do but it's gonna be outta-
"Don't say a word to him, dillweed! Don't give him any reason to arrest you."
Tony waves at the police chief before sulkily dragging his bruised foot out of the station, right behind Pepper, who has already climbed into the passenger seat of his car through the open window. She appears to be stuffing pancakes down her throat, and Tony wonders if she's even tasting them.
He puts his key in the ignition and starts to drive.
"I can't fucking believe you, Tony. What the hell is wrong with you?"
Tony's default mode is sarcasm. He keeps his mouth shut.
"You ever been to wherever the hell this is before? No! And Neither have I! How could you just drive off and leave me in the middle of nowhere and nothing where I don't know anyone? And then go get drunk! You promised you were done with that shit! You wanna hit a hard 25 and die in the bottom of a bottle? You are the world's biggest asshat, Tony Stark!"
The world's most pregnant silence ensues.
"Look, babe, I-"
"Don't call me that!" It would have been more threatening if her mouth wasn't stuffed with pancakes, but Tony gets the point.
"I know that what I did was…was…"
"Was what, Tony?"
"…"
"Tony."
"Pretty shitty."
"Understatement of the century."
"Yeah, I know, but men are like that, you know? You gotta take the bad with the good, so I want to do something good for you."
"Unless you've figured out time travel I don't see what you could do."
Tony feels the newspaper under his feet and maneuvers until he's got it in his hands. He tries to pass it to Pepper and ends up successfully dunking it in syrup. Pepper watches him squirm.
"There's an article about Loki Laughs in there. What this local preacher has to say is pretty screwy, but only read the last paragraph."
Tony knows the second that Pepper has read the relevant sentence.
Her high pitched scream of glee nearly causes him to crash his car.
"Loki Lauff is coming to L.A!" She cries again and again.
"Are we going Tony?" She asks and he smirks.
"Depends on if you're still here Pep." He says and her face pales to white. Tony wonders if she is actually going to kill him.
"Pull the car over." She demands and Tony does so. He wants it to be known that he faced his death bravely.
"Get out." She says, the second they are pulled over and Tony does. Pepper follows with the box of pancakes in one hand and the syrupy newspaper in the other.
The next thing Tony knows the sensations of his balls being turned inside out and the taste of the most delicious pancakes he's ever had are strangely juxtaposed. Then he realizes he's laying on the ground and that howling voice is his.
"You…you kicked me in the balls!" He says minutes later and his voice is at least an octave too high.
"How are we going to afford the tickets Tony?"
"Tickets?" His voice is still too high, and he's seeing sounds and he thinks he might throw up.
"For Loki Lauff and the Age of Frost. Unless you were lying." The unspoken threat that she'll squash his testicles out of existence if he's lying is enough to have Tony cupping his family jewels and wondering if there actually could be a god, for just a second.
"There's this…this…this diner down the road. Piping's all screwed. I'll fix it and collect the bread. We're just a couple of odd jobs away from all of your dreams coming true, babe."
Pepper is sitting on the ground, unconcerned as you please, gingery hair glinting in the sun, licking syrup off of her fingers like a lazy cat.
"And you know how it goes, one place finds somebody with half a brain willing to teach a toaster it's place on the cheap and suddenly everybody in town's got something they need fixed up."
Pepper does know how it goes. They've been doing it all over California for a month and a half, and what she doesn't understand is how Tony still doesn't know. It's his name that gets the gigs. Everyone wants Howard Stark's son's hands on their stuff.
In Mendocino a man had poured nine entire cans of beans under the hood of is car and acted like it's invalided state was the mystery of the century. Tony didn't bat an eyelash.
If it all didn't make Pepper so sad she'd be impressed.
"Your tool kit's in the trunk, boss." She says instead of thinking about it. She watches as Tony's entire face lights up. He tries to spring off of the ground before his body's ready and if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't've made it up at all.
"I'm gonna start wearing a full suit of armor around you." He groans as she helps him waddle toward his car.
"Like a knight?" She asks as she opens his car door for him.
"No, man, chivalry's dead."
Pepper shoots a contemplative look at his crotch and Tony feels a physical pang of agony. He swears he feels his balls breathe a sigh of relief when she closes his doors.
"Like one of these." He taps the red outer-door of his car and strokes it absently as he Pepper gets in the passenger side. "Only it'll fly. And shoot lasers. And have a clam bake button in the helmet I can touch with my tongue! And it will automatically electrocute crotch-shot taking maniacs."
They share a laugh, and they have spent so much time together that they nearly share a singular kind of bark.
"Come on Captain Clam Bake, it's time to go fix the plumbing. And then go fix this deadly 'I don't have tickets to see Loki Lauff and the Age of Frost' problem I got. "
"Heroically!" Insists Tony as he puts the key in the ignition.
"Yeah man, heroically."
tamtamsam: Thanks! Tony's kind of my favorite. I write him with so much love. :)