Chapter 5: I Can Do This
((((( Renesmee's POV)))))
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in my story. They belong to Stephanie Meyer. Neither do I own the poetry written in this chapter. The authors are listed as unknown. I also don't own any song or lyrics that are sung or played in this chapter.
Bragh Adair , "Alan's Song" is the song referenced to in this chapter. It's really a beautiful work. My seven year old listens to it. She thinks it's pretty. She dances to it – ballet form. It's so cute. My twelve month old looks at her, laughs and claps. I think that if my little ones can love the instrumental, then you'll love it.
When I was writing this chapter, I found my face full of tears. I remembered a loss that I felt similar to this when I was in my late teens, so it was easier to write. I hope that my words express how she felt with the right amounts of passion.
I acted strong, even resolved, around Mom and Dad, but I really genuinely am far from that. It's taking every bit of strength I have to push my feet forward; step by miserable step. It's amazing how my decisions have caused the one person in the world who loved me unconditionally to turn away from me, and hate me. I just don't see how I can move forward. As I ascended the stairs, I felt my body internally tremble. Quaking at every step. Losing myself with each movement. The pain in unbearable. My loss insufferable.
Suddenly, I had my resolve. I won't let my mom and daddy know. I will shut everyone and everything down. I won't allow my feelings to come to surface. I will function in this life normally. At least as normal as I possibly can. This will be my own personal punishment for what I have done. I don't deserve happiness, so I will remove all traces of it. Now.
After I showered and prepared for bed, I pressed random on my iPod, and a really beautiful instrumental came on. It was "Alan's Song" by Bragh Adair. I hadn't heard it but once, and I was with Jake. It was maybe two years ago, and my dad was playing it. Jake asked me to dance, and I stood on his feet and he twirled us around the room. It was my first dance, and I remember Daddy being quite annoyed at Jake...well...really himself for letting Jake experience that with me first. I remember giggling loudly, and holding him tightly. When the dance was over, Jake placed me back on my feet and bowed before me, then threw me on the floor and tickled me. That memory was bittersweet. We were so happy then. Now, all of that is gone. No more firsts for me with him. Reminiscing of great times with Jacob flooded by thoughts. My body attempted to betray me, wanting to cry, scream, express my fears of growing without him...my pain. I quickly replaced the memories with emptiness. Even with the emptiness, my heart still missed him so much. I needed to have him near me, somehow. I got up and went to my closet to see if he left any of his clothes here. None. I felt like I would go crazy if I couldn't have in near me in some way. I felt panicky.
I got up, got dressed, and sneaked to the door. Hopefully Mom and Dad won't come up here to check on me. I listened to them. They were still talking, so I locked my door, turned up the music, raised the window, and jumped to the first floor. I took out toward Jake's cottage. When I arrived there, immediately I took in his musky scent. I stopped for a moment, taking him in. It made my heart feel warm. Like he was still here. He still cared for me. I entered the cottage, and went straight for his room. I pulled out one of his white t-shirts from a hanger, and closed the closet. I stood there, inhaling his wonderful scent, imagining how he looked in it. It wasn't enough. I crawled into his bed, and pulled the covers over my head. I stuffed the t-shirt with one of the pillows and snuggled close to it. Then, I remembered that I wanted to say something to him. I turned the night light on, opened the night stand, and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote...
Jacob,
I welcome you with open arms my love...
The clock is ticking, time exists
but i still have the same dream every night
You are here by my side although you are gone
They may say i am a lunatic
the clock is ticking my love
No! I can not forget you
I will never forget you
Fantasy overcomes reality
Words become darker every day
I can not read your thoughts
please listen to me for one last time
Renesmee
I placed it back in the nightstand, turned the light off, and snuggled back with the pillow. I can't remember anything else after that.
((((( Bella's POV)))))
"Renesmee, open the door, baby. We can talk about this. Please, open the door." I pleaded with her, and knocked for what seemed like forever. Finally, I gave up. I figured she needed to come to grips with what just happened and needed time to her self to do that.
I walked back downstairs. Edward was on the phone with Esme. He was explaining what had happened. She wanted to come over to support Renesmee, but he told her to wait until tomorrow. To let her cool down a little.
I sat next to him on the sofa. "Edward. Do you really think it would be too dangerous for us to go. Jacob has been my friend forever. He would never hurt me. Never. And, he loves Renesmee. He may be mad, but he would never let anything happen to her. I'm sure of it."
"You may be right, but you still are not going there. You two are all I have. I can't just send you both there without knowing what would happen. Plus, you weren't there. You didn't see the look in his eyes. He was angry, wild, and definitely living off instinct. He never even attempted to hear me out. He just wanted to fight. He acted like we had done something wrong to him. Bella, it took every bit of self control I had to hold myself back, and Jasper back from killing him."
"What about Alice?"
"Remember, she can't see past Jacob. If he's involved, nothing is clear. Bella, please. Just let this go. Promise me. Promise you won't do anything reckless." He pulled my face up to his, silently pleading, but demanding my agreement.
I sighed. "Fine, Edward. What ever." But we knew. If things got too bad that this will be one promise that I plan on breaking.
That night, Edward and I went to the main house to talk to everyone. Maybe one of them would have a better idea on how to approach this.
Sunday morning, Edward and I went back to the cabin to check on Renesmee. We knocked on the door, screamed her name, and pleaded with her to let us in. No answer. Worried, Edward looked at me. "Don't you dare knock that door down." I whispered. "You will invade on her privacy, only making her more..." Before I could get anymore out, he was in the room. We both looked at each other. Renesmee was gone! The panic on Edward's face turned to fear, then anger. I knew exactly what he was thinking. She went back to La Push to reclaim Jacob. He sprinted out the house. I followed quickly behind him, grabbing my wireless off the counter. I called Jasper to come with us back to La Push. I instructed him to bring Emmitt and Rose. My stomach was in knots. Somehow, I knew this would not end right. How would I ever be able to fight my best friend. Let alone kill him. Oh, god, please let us catch up with her first.
Before we got off the property, Edward stopped suddenly. Jasper, Rose, Alice and Emmit quickly caught up. "What's going on, Edward?" I asked.
"I hear her. She's dreaming. Of...oh, my." I think if Edward could have blushed, he would've been four shades of red. "How did I not catch this last night? I guess I was so caught up in everything that I just wasn't listening." He looked down at me.
"Well, where is she?" I asked.
"In Jacob's cottage."
I began moving forward toward the cottage with Rose, but the men stayed behind. We entered quietly, not wanting to startle Renesmee. When we reached the bedroom, she was still asleep. She was snuggled close to a pillow with Jacob's t-shirt pulled over it. Her nose was buried in the pillow, and she had a smile on her face. Rose and I looked at each other, confused as to what we should do. I put my hand up to her, asking her to wait a moment. I walked up to Renesmee and sat on the bed. I softly stroked her hair, and rubbed her back. She began to wake up, moving, rubbing her eyes.
"Jake?"
"No, honey, its Mom. We were worried about you. We thought you had left. Are you alright?"
She looked at me, her eyes already puffy. She must have stayed up all night crying. Her eyes began to water again. "Mom, I'm sorry. I just had to be near him. I didn't mean to scare you." She buried her head in my lap, sobbing. "Mom, I miss him so much. I just can't look at anything or remember anything that doesn't remind me of him. Mom, I need him back. Please, Mom. I thought I could do this. Being strong, but I don't want to be strong. I want to be weak. I want to love him. I want to tell him. Mom, please, do something." She curled up beside me, trembling at my touch. Her pain was etched deep, and her need for him tangible. My heart broke for her. I remember the feeling of losing Edward this same way. I did not want to go on. I was broken. And, I wanted to stay like that. The pain reminded me of him. It reminded me that he was real. I gasped at the realization of what was happening before me. I couldn't let her go through that. The pain is enough to kill you. In her case, they both love each other, but the other doesn't know. I knew I had to do something, but I knew it would be difficult. Edward would never willingly go for it.
I hugged my baby. "Renesmee, I promise, somehow, we will work this out. Please, just hold on. Mommy's here."
Most of the day went the same way. She cried, she got another t-shirt when that one lost his smell, she begged us to do something to get him back. She also never wanted to leave the bedroom. She and Edward passed words about her leaving the cottage. He wanted her back home, but I took him out, pleading with him to just let her be for now. He backed off, but I knew that tonight, the issue would resurface.
"Renesmee, school starts tomorrow. Are you still considering going?" Alice asked, smiling, trying to change the subject. Renesmee looked at her puzzled. "What?"
"I never want to leave this room. Not until Jacob comes back." She pulled the covers over her head.
"Nessie..." Alice walked over, uncovering her face. "You will have to leave this room. Besides, I agree with your mother. This will all work out, and all of this will be in vein. So, do you want me to come with you?" She said a bit too chipper.
"I don't know. We were suppose to experience that together. How could he just leave me, Aunt Ali? Didn't he know I needed him? Loved him?"
"Nessie, I can't answer that. But I do know one thing. He loves you with all of his heart, and he will not be able to stay away from you too long. Anger is one thing, but issues of the heart is another. And, his heart wants you. Trust me."
"Oh, Aunt Ali, I want to believe you and Mom, it's just so hard. How will I function if he never comes back?"
"Now, Nessie, I just told you to stop thinking like that. It's silly. Now, let's get out of this bed, and get our things ready for tomorrow." Alice swooped Renesmee up, and sprinted back to our cottage, and up to Renesmee's room.
Somehow, Alice did it. She got my daughter out of her funk. She even got her to agree to go to school tomorrow. Later, I will have to thank Alice. It's so great to have a sister that really cares about you and your family and their happiness.
Alice placed Renesmee in the shower, successfully taking the pillow from her, and placed it on the bed. She pulled out every piece of clothing Renesmee and I bought last week. She began pairing them, talking to herself about what colors would look best on Renesmee the first day, how her hair should be, and so on. I began drowning her out. I was definitely excited to get Renesmee out of that bed, but fashion, make up, color coordinating, blah, blah, blah just isn't my thing. I walked out to find Edward.
Later, I returned to Renesmee's room. Alice had her trying on the outfits and accessories that she picked, still trying to figure out which one was best. I saw the look in Renesmee's eyes. She was playing the part for her aunt, but she was far from entertained. Honestly, I didn't care. Playing the part or real, I just needed to see her living. Functioning at some capacity. I knew how she felt. She would need constant supervision. Without her current state of sadness, she is already dangerous. I'm sure now, she will add reckless to the list of things to do. Huh, I wonder where she gets that from.
When it was time for Renesmee to go to bed, she insisted on sleeping at Jake's cottage. Edward wasn't having it.
"There is no way my daughter is sleeping two miles away from me, alone. Jacob or no Jacob. It's bad enough that she snuck out the house last night. Bella, what would you like me to do? Just turn my head, not be able to protect her?"
I walked closer to him, attempting to ease some of the tension between us. "Edward, baby, what if Alice and I slept there with her? She would be protected, and not alone."
"Oh, so now, my family will be split up. What next, you, Renesmee and Alice will sneak off to La Push after I won't agree to let you go. Bella, I feel like I'm losing my family in the mist of Jacob's leaving. Renesmee hates me. She won't even look at me. Now, you're leaving me..." He put his head down into his hands after taking a seat.
I walked over to him, rubbing his back. I took a seat on his lap. "She doesn't hate you. She is grieving her loss, baby. He has been her whole world for as long as she can remember. It's hard to love someone with all of your being, and watch them leave your life, possibly forever."
He looked up at me. Sadness riddled in his eyes. He realized what I was talking about. He put his head back down. "Bella, I know what I did to you. I'll never forgive myself for that. I'm so sorry." He hugged my waist, burying his face in my chest. I hugged him back.
"Edward, look at me. I love you. You are my whole life. You always have been. In fact, I would do it all over again. When I saw you step out of the clock tower, I knew at that moment that my love for you deepened beyond any feeling I had ever experienced in my life. I would have given my life for you that day. And I will do it a hundred times over again for you. So, never apologize for leaving. We formed a bond after that, that was much stronger than before you left. We made new commitments, and we got Renesmee after that.
I only brought it up to remind you that I understand her feelings. I know how low you can allow yourself to get before you hit the bottom. And, I don't want our daughter to become anymore reckless than she already is. I need you to be patient while I take care of her. I will also need your help to love her. To try to understand her pain. Can you do that for me? For her?"
He pulled me in tighter. "Of course I will. And thank you, Bella. For loving me, even when I clearly didn't deserve it. I'll do as you ask."
I kissed his lips, thanking him for understanding. When he grabbed my face, deepening the kiss, I knew I had to get out of it before we went too far. I pulled away, pushing his chest gently away. "It'll be time for that. Can we pick this up tomorrow morning after Renesmee goes to school?"
"What? She's going to school? Since when?"
"Since your sister talked her into it." I smiled. He looked at me in complete surprise.
"She is definitely a miracle worker." We both laughed. He released me, giving me one last kiss. "You know those words you just spoke to me light a fire in me that I will have to put out on you?" I smiled, picking my eyebrow up.
"Oh, really. I'm up for the challenge." I stood to my feet and went up to retrieve Renesmee and Alice.
The night went by fairly uneventful. Renesmee assumed her position in Jake's bed with his pillow and another of his t-shirts. She appeared to be quite a bit more relaxed than she's been the past few days. I think that Alice's excitement is catchy, and is hard to ignore. Especially being around her a full day consistently cheery. Renesmee never saw it coming.
Alice and I were playing chess when we heard Renesmee in the other room. She was sobbing. We heard sheets being moved, and a faint whisper. "Jacob, please, come back to me. I'm sorry. I love you. Please." Alice and I looked at each other. Wondering if we should go in and comfort her or not. We decided not to. We won't always be around when she gets in one of her moods, and she will have to learn how to deal with her loss. Her sobs continued well into the morning.
The next morning, Alice left to get dressed, and was back before I was able to miss her. We both went into Renesmee's, Jacob's room to get her up and ready. Needless to say, she was in a horrible mood, and initially refused to get out of the bed. After Alice poured an ice cold glass of water on her head, she quickly reconsidered after looking in the face of another full glass. Her mood never improved, but at least we got her up and in the shower. She took her sweet time with that too, but it was fine. We had three full hours before school started. She didn't know we had reset all the clocks to make her think she was running late. I'm sure that she will be less than happy with us for doing that, but we both know Renesmee, and we knew that she would try everything in her power to get out of school this morning. Alice and I just looked at each other, giggling under our breath.
Renesmee came out. She was soaking wet and naked. "Mom, Aunt Ali, I can't do this. I can't fake a smile for those people today. Please. Can I go tomorrow? Can I have one more day?"
"Nessie, come on. Tomorrow, you will have the same issues you have today. Nothing will change. Come here." Alice took her back in the bathroom and dried her off, sat her down, then dried her hair. Alice's hands were moving so fast that even with my improved vision, I had problems following just how she got Renesmee's hair to curl and pin. When she was finish, she applied a small amount of makeup to Renesmee's face, then began dressing her. I went to the kitchen to cook her some eggs and bacon.
When Renesmee stepped out, she looked completely different than she did just an hour ago. Alice had covered the dark rings around her eyes from crying all night. Her eyes were no longer red, and her face looked renewed. Even the pout that Renesmee was giving made her look even more beautiful. Alice dressed her in a dark pair of jeans, a skin tight emerald green t-shirt with a half jacket to cover up her upper body. She had on emerald green short boots with heels and the toes exposed to complete the ensemble.
"Ready to eat, baby?" I asked.
"What ever." She sat down and ate everything I put on the plate. I knew she was only appeasing me. She probably never tasted the food. She simply put it in her mouth and swallowed. I felt so bad for her, but looked forward to her at the end of the day. Maybe being around people would soften her mood.
As she and Alice got in Edward's black Mercedes G550, Renesmee looked back at me, pleading with me to not make her go. She walked back to me and hugged me. I never said a word. There was no way I was agreeing for her to stay in a dark house all day for the next how ever many months. "Renesmee, baby, have a great time at school. I know you'll love it." I kissed her on her forehead. "Love you." She let me go and turned around to the car. She never said another word.
Well, at least we got Nessie out the house. Stay tuned to see what happens at school. I promise it will be interesting...to say the least.
Now, review...my feelings are beginning to be hurt. No one thinks enough of my poor little story to tell me a word? I'm beginning to lose interest in it, and will stop it here if you don't think it's worth a follow or a review.
This story is set to be probably twenty five chapters, but I won't go that far if no one is interested in it.