AN: Hey! So this chapter is kind of intense. There maybe be some triggering content in it for some, just giving fair warning! Hope you like it!
Chapter 26
Thursday seemed to drag on and on and on. With the anticipation of the cast list going up on Friday, my nerves were through the roof. I tried my best to keep myself occupied with school work and what not, and was surprisingly triumphant. Time still ticked by slow, though.
"Hey Spenc" I addressed Spencer when he walked in the door around 7pm.
"Hey" He answered, tiredly. He sluggishly dropped his messenger bag on the coffee table and sat down in the arm chair next to the couch, letting out a sigh.
"How was work?" I asked, hoping to get more than a one or two word answer out of him.
"Fine I guess" He answered in his thinking tone. I left a few seconds for him to continue speaking if he felt the need to, but I was only met with silence.
"What's on your mind?" I piped up, again hoping for a more descriptive answer.
"Nothing in particular" He shook his head and frowned, not breaking his gaze at the floor.
"Spenc, it doesn't take a trained profiler to realize you've been acting strange lately" I slid over to the other side of the couch to be closer to the large arm chair Spencer was currently taking up. "What's bothering you?"
"Your dream- nightmare I mean, you said it was a memory" Spencer turned his head to mine and tried to find my eyes.
"Is that was this is about?" I asked, half anxious and half confused. Why would Spencer still be stuck on a nightmare I already healed from?
Spencer gave a pleading look, one of those 'just-answer-the-question' ones.
"Yeah, yeah it was" I said uncomfortably, breaking eye contact. I was prepared for conversation about Spencer, not a conversation about a broken Jenna.
"What happened when you lived with them?" Them meaning my aunt and uncle I assumed.
"What do you mean?" I acted as if I didn't understand what he was searching for, but I knew full well what he was searching for.
"You know what I mean" He urged. I took a few moments to gather my thoughts and memories, internally cringing at their presence. I was suddenly struck with an overwhelming wave of heat radiating throughout my entire body. I gulped and quickly tied my lengthy hair into a high pony tail, trying to stall as much as possible. Once situated, I hiked up the courage to speak.
"At first, they were just neglectful. They hired a nanny almost immediately after they got stuck with me, she was a nice woman so it wasn't all that bad. They got rid of her when I turned twelve; they thought I was too old to have someone doing everything for me. I learned to do a lot of things on my own, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I was still technically a kid. That's when things went south" I looked up from picking at my nails to find Spencer completely absorbed in my story.
"My aunt Joanne was just spiteful really, always making rude comments about my appearance or spewing degrading slurs. Not exactly the best encouragement for an already screwed up girl on the brink adolescence" I gave a nervous laugh, trying to get the point across to Spencer that I didn't want to continue. He was less than receptive.
"My uncle Chris wasn't around much, but when he was he was terribly drunk, and when he drank he got belligerent. At first he was just verbally cruel, nothing I wasn't used to. But, after a while of that it turned physical. First he started lashing out and beating my aunt, b-but eventually one wasn't enough and he moved on to me as well" I felt a lump forming in my throat as I saw Spencer's muscles tense out of my peripheral vision.
"Jenna, you said he started unbuckling his belt and you yelled "get off of me, get off of me", Jenna did he rape you?" The bluntness of Spencer's question and the nature of it sent me through a whirlwind. I had never been presented with such a personal question in such a frank manor. I was so dumbstruck I didn't even know how to answer, so I resorted to my usual tactic: pretend I was completely and entirely perplexed.
"What makes you think that?" I realized my plan sounded a lot better in my head. I basically backed myself into a corner.
"Despite what you told me? You flinch every time someone touches you. You're noticeably depressed, constantly anxious, insecure, and you often isolate yourself and avoid contact. These are text book signs, Jenna" Spencer put his words as gently as possible, but they still angered me. Not so much at him for addressing the issue at hand, but more at myself for not covering up my emotions as well as I thought I did.
I felt my eyes begin to water and instantly panicked. I sighed and abruptly stood up off of the sofa to head straight to my bedroom.
"I'm tired, I'm going to sleep" I stated as monotone as possible. Just as I was nearly passed Spencer in the large leather recliner, his hand jut out and grabbed me by the arm.
"Jenna-" He began, but I cut him off before he could carry on.
"What does it matter? What happened, happened and there's nothing anyone can do to fix it" I tried to contain the rage in my voice and was what I thought successful. I yanked my arm from Spencer's grip and journeyed to my room.
My tears backed away, but the fury was still running rampant. My chest started to constrict, something I hadn't felt in ages. I knew there was only one way to cure this combination, and the answer lied in a blade.
I reached under my bed and pulled out a small, old jewelry box my mother gave me on my fifth birthday. Inside were the few childhood sentiments that survived the past number of years. Residing among these items was a film canister, where I kept my razors. I sat still for a moment, contemplating if I would really go through with it, mutilating my skin further. Seconds later I found the cold metal pressed against my right arm. I paused and grabbed an old t-shirt to catch the blood that would soon fall, not wanting to leave the evidence on my carpet.
The blade sat there, just pressed lightly against my ivory skin. With hesitation, I dragged the thin metal across my arm pushing down harder and harder until I saw the crimson liquid that ran through my veins start dripping out onto the garment I placed around it. I sliced again and again, progressing three quarter up my arm. It took until that far to feel the full release of my demons. It was as if they flowed out with my blood, cleansing my body. It was almost like a drug, and equally as addicting.
I calmly waited what seemed like hours, but was really only twenty minutes for my blood to clot enough for me to climb into bed without staining my sheets. I rested my head on my pillow and waited for sleep to incase me.