AN: Hey! So this is chapter 32. I hope you like it!
Episode 4x7- Memoriam
Chapter 32
"Alright Jenna, just remember: you have to put all of your trust into Josh. If you think you're going to fall, you're going to fall. You two are the best in the class, that's why I'm letting you do this so early on. Now, do what you've practiced" My partnering instructor Leah reinforced just before I was about to attempt a one-handed presage lift. I took a deep breath and did a preparatory relevé to sous sus to build momentum. Before I knew it, Josh's hands met my waist and my hands pushed on his shoulders, and in warp speed I was in air with my legs vertical to the ceiling, Josh's one arm balancing me weight by clutching onto my waist. We held the pose for a total of two seconds, and Josh lowered me down, grabbing my arabesque leg, placing me on the ground, both of us with a smile of satisfaction.
"Ah! I knew it would work! Great job you two!"Leah praised as the class applauded. After my last lifting tiff, I was nervous to go back and try anything, but my confidence was restored.
"Alright, that's it for today guys, see you in two weeks" Leah dismissed the class and everyone flooded out. I took my time gathering my bag and getting a sip of water, and followed the rest of the group out.
"That was impressive" A casually dressed Emily came out of the blue. I wasn't expecting to see her, to my knowledge the team was away, and had been for the past two days.
"Oh- thanks" I giggled nervously. "How did you see?"
"The door was opened, I could see through the mirror" She replied. Duh, I should have thought of that.
"Oh, yeah that makes sense. Where's Spencer?" I asked, confused on why Emily was back but he was nowhere to be seen.
"He's still in Vegas, he wanted to visit his mom and another case came up so he stayed behind with Rossi and Derek. He asked me to stay with you for the time being"
Usually, I would have been offended that Spencer sent someone to watch over me instead of just letting me be ,but since it was Emily I didn't really mind.
"Oh, o-okay" I responded as we exited the studio and headed for the car. The ride was silent, mostly because I was busy blotting sweat from the exposed parts of my body. I was wearing a pair of white tights, a black scoop neck leotard and a light blue long-sleeved wrap sweater. I was so overheated from the intensity of the class I wanted to rip off my clothing right there in the car. I think Emily noticed because she turned up the air conditioning, even though it was the beginning of November and there was a lingering chill in the air.
I cooled down by the time we got back to the apartment, but all the way up my feet were suffering sharp burning sensations.
"I'm sorry you're going to have to see this" I said to Emily just before I began unraveling the ribbons of my pointe shoes and sliding them off. I was sitting on the floor of the living room, just in case if I had any open sores on my feet no fluid would stain the couch.
I pulled my feet through the small pre-made hole in the bottom of my tights, removed my toe pads, and stared at the horror show that was my tattered skin.
"Christ, that looks painful" Emily said, just as grossed out as I was. Both of my feet were littered with blisters, some of which popped open and were oozing a mixture of blood and a mysterious fluid. I spotted at least two calluses, surprised there weren't any more.
"Absolutely disgusting" I mumbled while inspecting the wounds with curiosity.
"Do you need me to get you anything, band aids or something?" Emily asked in a concerned tone.
"No- no I got it" I jolted up and hobbled over to the bathroom and retrieved a tin from under the sink, containing rubbing alcohol, gauze and medical tape.
I winced as I cleaned the open sores, and quickly wrapped both feet to prevent infection.
"There we go. All better" I grinned, and Emily laughed.
"What?" I laughed back.
"You look like you've had practice" She chuckled. Oh, she had no idea.
The remainder of the say was spent watching Star Trek (no surprise there) and finishing up any school work I had left. It was pleasant for the most part, until my mind started to wander.
"Hey Emily, can I ask you a question?" I said hesitantly.
"Yeah, sure of course" She answered rather quickly, crooking her neck to face my direction.
"Spencer- he's worried about me, I can tell" I paused and picked at my nails. "Has he ever mentioned why?" I kept my attention to my hands briefly, then drew my eyes up to Emily's. Her gaze told me he had, and also that she was reluctant to respond. She thought for a moment, then spoke up.
"You know him, he keeps a lot to himself" Emily tried to shake the topic.
"For a profiler, it's easy to tell when you're avoiding something" I replied with smirk. Emily laughed in return, then fixed a serious yet soft expression.
"He told me about a nightmare you had about a month ago-" Emily started, but I cut her off before she could continue.
"-wait, he told you about that?" I raised my voice with slight anger, but reminded myself that it wasn't her fault she knew.
"Don't be mad at Spencer, I shook it out of him" She told me. I didn't even voluntarily tell Spencer about the gruesome details of what happened to me, and to know that Emily knew too was kind of a slap in the face.
"We deal with a lot of... situations similar to what you went through, and we know about the demons that follow it. Knowing so much, especially at Spencer's level, he's worried for you" Emily put as kindly as possible. My heart still sank at her words. Actually, it sank at the entire subject.
"What does he think is going to happen to me?" I asked with a stinging behind my eyes. Emily sighed and looked around the room temporarily.
"Kids who have...endured what you did, often have trouble with depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, eating disorders, and insomnia" Emily told me a list of things I already knew. The scary part was, I already exhibited four out of the seven after effects.
"I'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, drugs will turn my brain into swiss cheese, alcohol tastes bad, I have the physical assets of a thirteen year old girl, and I drink too much caffeine to sleep. There, nothing to worry about" I retorted rapidly, although I knew I wasn't going to deceive Emily in the slightest. She gave me her 'give-up-the-act' look, and I couldn't help but feel defeated.
"I hate to break it to you Jenna, but you can't keep your walls up forever" Emily kept her caring stare, but I again diverted my attention to my hands. A tear fell from my left eye, but I caught it before it hit the couch. I was found out, the jig was up.
"And Jenna, you need to eat" Emily added to her list of concerns. I was really tired of being put under a microscope.
"They told me I was too fat" I mumbled into my lap. I couldn't see Emily's expression, but I could feel it on my skin, and it wasn't pleasant.
"What? Who told you you were too fat?" She responded in a slightly shocked tone.
"The costumer for the musical. She told me I was too fat for the role, and that I had to drop five pounds." Tears were flowing faster and at an increased volume. I absolutely hated crying in front of other people, something about the vulnerability made me feel icky.
"Jenna" Emily's voice was soft, and her eyes as empathetic as id ever seen them. She pulled me into a tight embrace and pet the top of my head while I stained her shirt with my salty tears. I was tense at first, but eventually my body weakened and I leaned into her hold.
"It's bigger than me" I muttered in between sobs.
"Only if you make it that way, only if you make it that way"