Down and Out
Author's Note: There's a bigger chance of my Mom ending up on Food Network than me meeting Big Time Rush, let alone owning them… so as usual, no.
Author's Note: Hey guys, what's up? I hope you all are doing well. Big thumbs up to everyone who reviewed and alerted this story. It's kind of weird for me to be updating this collection so soon, but I did say that there's been a lot of weirdness going through my head currently. Also, my friend gets angry when I update too quickly, she can't keep track of the reviews she owes me… (in quiet voice) but don't tell her I told you that! So, I hope I didn't make anyone cry last chapter – I know I was nearly in tears when I wrote it. But this one is my first attempt at genuine humor, so I'd like to know what you think. This is probably going to be my last update for a while in all of my stories, partly because my friend will hit me, and partly because exams are coming up (wish me luck!). So please let me know what you think
"Dr. Wainwright, your twelve o' clock is here. Shall I send them in?" Kelly sighed wearily, brushing her forehead wearily with the back of her hand. The thinly veiled amusement in her receptionist's flat tone wasn't wasted on her – it was all very well for Wanda to sit back and laugh at her exasperation, but when it came down to it, she was the one who had to deal with all of these idiots. She took a forceful sip of water from the bottle on her desk, mentally reprimanding herself for degrading the word 'idiot' to describe this particular couple. As a relationship counselor, she never judged her clients, always sitting and listening with an objective ear to steady the irrational flow of emotion. From her point of view, her job was to get to the heart of the problem, compromise it and reconcile the partners. However, these two 'favorites' were the only exception she made in her solemn oath to help where love was hindered. The most coherent of psychological theories fell pathetically at her feet whenever she had a session with this pair: she didn't know whether to write their issues down to circumstance or personality clashes, but her best efforts to get them to see reason and separate never failed to fail. "Send them in Wanda" she said into the receiver, shaking her head with sardonic abandon. "And pray to God I don't slit my wrists in this session."
"Aw, sweetie. Look at you, getting all religious! God can work miracles, but even He can't save these two."
Stifling a laugh, Kelly took her notepad and pen in hand and walked over to the single leather chair facing the couch on the opposite corner of the room. Usually, she would spend some time to command a professionally neutral air about her, but the one consolation with Kendall and Logan was that she didn't have to bother with all that with them – it hardly mattered, since the hour was usually filled with screeching accusations of infidelity. As she watched the blonde and brunette walk into her office like schoolchildren, she gave into the usual vacancy that her mind created. It was far easier to let them tear each others' throats than to have to listen about their petty squabbles. "So boys" she said serenely, with a solid undertone of boredom running through her words. "Who cheated on whom this time?"
"See, that's what I like about you" grinned Kendall, winking impishly at the counselor. "Always to the point, I appreciate that."
"Well I've had my fair share of practice" smiled Kelly icily. "But I have to say, this run of yours without therapy was the longest. A whole two weeks, I am impressed!"
"Actually, we're not really here for faithfulness issues" said Logan slowly. His cheeks blushed scarlet almost instantly. Kelly frowned bewilderedly. "This is a first."
"Go ahead Logan" said the blonde, smiling wickedly at his boyfriend. He jerked his head forward in the brunette's direction, causing the smaller man's blush to increase to lighthouse intensity. "Tell her why we're here."
"I'm getting to it! God, do you always have to rush me into things?"
"Apparently, I do."
"Some of us actually like to think before we do anything!"
"Girls, girls, you're both pretty" said the shrink uninterestedly, arching her eyebrow at the ensuing altercation. She cleared her throat politely. "Could one of you please tell me what seems to be today's issue?"
"I'll tell you" said the blonde as he folded his arms in frustration. "He won't go down on me." Kelly pursed her lips together thoughtfully, pondering Kendall's revelation. This relationship fell from the notch of the mildly funny type of sad to just plain pitiable. She couldn't believe that someone wasn't making another Jersey Shore out of this. "When you say he won't go down on you, you mean what exactly?" Kendall rolled his eyes cynically. "I mean he won't take my penis into his mouth and pleasure me. Let me guess, you've never gone down on a man either?"
"Kendall, what the hell's the matter with you!" hissed the brunette venomously. "You can't ask her that!"
"What do you care, we already know you don't like sucking a hard one." Logan turned to the shrink with a pleadingly apologetic expression on his face. "I'm really sorry about this" he muttered, lowering his gaze to the floor. "We didn't have anyone else to turn to."
"No please, I don't have enough troubles to deal with" said Kelly, paying an intense interest to her nails. "So Logan, why won't you please your man?"
"It's… I find it disgusting, OK?"
"Disgusting?" asked the blonde incredulously, throwing his hands into the air in a monkey-like fashion. "You're a doctor; you cut people up every single day!"
"I'm saving lives!"
"You poke around their insides with all their blood and guts, but taking my dick in your mouth is 'disgusting'?"
"You know what Kendall, why don't you get that waiter from the restaurant to suck you off? You two had SO much chemistry!"
"Hey, HE flirted with ME!"
"Yeah, but no one asked you to grab his ass when you paid the bill!"
Kelly looked up at the two lovers, a smug smile fitting itself around her mouth. The two of them had frenzied themselves to their characteristic euphoria of fury, but strangely enough she couldn't hear a single word of their rage. "Those Buddhist teachings really pay off" she thought, lifting herself off from the chair. She took one final glance at the anger-stricken pair before she peeked her head out of the door. "Wanda, the usual" she called loudly, shaking her head smilingly. "Bottle of Jack?"
"You know it. And give me the glass this time."
"You know you're just going to end up drinking out of the bottle anyways!"
OK, I admit, not my best work… but I wanted to give humor a try. What did you all think? Leave me a review and let me know please! Don't forget, if you do have an idea for this collection, you're more than welcome to let me know ;) Till next time!