Perfection's Metamorphosis
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters. So what, I still got my windows down WOOHOO!
Author's Note: Hey guys, what's up? Yes, it's another oneshot because these ideas can't leave well enough alone. So, I had a request from my dear friend Knightales for a light, fluffy story with no angst. But, I also got another review from a faithful reader Theaterkid who wanted some drama, so while I was writing an exam, I got the idea to combine the two requests into one (thankfully I didn't write any of it in the exam, but it was so bad, I might as well have!). This story is dedicated to the two of them, so please enjoy and let me know what you think.
He stood there right in front of me, a god amongst mere mortals. Everything about him is so flawlessly effortless – just being in the same room with him is enough for the air to leave my body. As I viewed him through the camera lens, my mind took it upon itself to idly marinate in each and every feature of his angelic visage. The soft sea green of his eyes penetrated right through the camera, stirring up illicit palpitations in my chest. His skin was just barely kissed with a hint of gold, like a tanned silk stretched over a heavenly work of art. I smiled slightly to myself as my eyes wandered down to his lips, bee stung petals of desire that never set themselves into a smile. "Except around me" I thought sardonically, letting my finger press down the camera button. One bright flash later, and I had made a reasonable attempt to capture his essence. Working with this particular model over the past couple of months has taught me one thing – no photograph, no matter how aesthetically pleasing to the eye would ever be sufficient to portray the unknowing seductiveness that he wielded so aptly. I threw him a curt nod to signal that he was done for the day, instantly beginning my hourly ritual of chastising my wild imagination. People like him; they're addictive freaks of nature for the rest of humanity. No person is ever that perfect, and given my experience in life, the more beautiful they are, the greater the pain is when they break a heart. I shouldn't even be thinking of him in any way but a coworker; not unless I want to go through hell again. It's been years since I've allowed myself to feel some form of love, but the scars I bear have yet to fade. "You can't give in" I murmured softly to myself, turning away from him. I handed over the camera to assistant and ran a weary hand through my hair. "You can't fall now. Not ever." It hurt too much to simply throw caution to the wind. If keeping my life affection-free was what it took to keep me safe, so be it.
"Hey there sexy" whispered a smug voice into my ear. My stomach displaced itself several notches from its allotted place, causing a paralyzing nausea to force its way up my gullet. God, how is it possible that one person can have so much control over another person's body without physical contact? I slowly turned around to face my altar of perverted worship, taking in huge clouds of air all the while to calm myself down. "Do you mind not doing that in here of places?" I whispered furiously, darting my eyes to anywhere but his. "This is one of the few areas of my life where I still have a little bit of dignity left." His usually expressionless lips suddenly animated themselves into a mockingly injured pout. "Don't tell me you're still mad because of that 'incident' last week at your place" he crooned quietly, his hand furtively searching for one of my own. I sensed his intentions within the nick of time and took a step back from his vicinity. "You gave the security guard a black eye Kendall" I said flatly, turning my head to give my assistant a desperate look. My silent plea for a rescue was dismissed by her warm smile – the staff took hysterical delight in my episodes with Kendall. "He wouldn't let me come up to see you!" exclaimed my tormentor comically, throwing his hands up in the air for effect. I returned my attention to him with a quizzical arch of my eyebrow. "I know, I told him not to. I swear to God, I am this close from getting a restraining order."
"And that only makes me love you more."
"Don't say things like that so easily" I said softly, staring into his eyes for the first time today. "Those words can kill someone if you're not careful." Every time it got to a point like this in one of our countless conversations, the shards of emerald would always light up with this naïve curiosity. Not once did he ask me why I resist him so much, and I hope he never does. It's strange in way: I guess when I first saw him, I expected him to command this intense air about him, but if it's in there inside of him, I've never seen it. All I've been graced with is his bubbly patience and a dogmatic conviction that's sharply honed to annoy the living daylights out of his target. I'm definitely grateful; he's an absolute pleasure to work around. I just wish he'd give up this childish game and let me go. It's getting harder to fight him off, and one of these days, I'm bound to slip. "Are you done yet Shakespeare?" he asked, curling his lips into his uniform impish grin. "I wanted to ask you something."
"Which is?"
"Are you free tomorrow night?" And there it is; the one question that's been so many times, it's bound to become the crux of my eventual suicide. "I… I really can't" I said slowly, placing my gaze straight to the floor this time. "The company wants this batch of photos in for the winter catalogue, and it'll be my head on the chopping board if I don't show them anything worthwhile." My ears did not miss his exasperated sigh. "You're going to work on a fucking Saturday night? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Oh, plenty of things" I smiled wryly, flicking my head up. The knowing smirk he threw me forced a thunderous tingle down my spine. "Well, maybe next time. Or the time after that. Or even-"
"I get the idea." He let out a soft laugh. "See you around Logan."
It must have taken him only two minutes to leave the shoot area, but for me, each second seemed to make sweet eternal love to the other, never showing any sign of passing. Why the hell was I feeling like this in the first place? Surely getting burnt once was enough for me; God only knows that I don't need the heartache anymore. My heart had already belonged to another once before, and it ended breaking spectacularly before my eyes. I was helpless to stop it then, but I've grown stronger. Time has made this burden more toxic as the years went by, but I've been able to carry it by myself. "What is it about you that makes me weak again?" I whispered. "Why do I want you so badly?"
-xoxoxoxoxo-
The sun had long set beyond the New York horizon, but my eyes would not tear away from my laptop screen. This was the kind of solemn sanctuary that my work afforded me – after the manic schedules of a shoot; I'd review the day's work over my laptop, judging myself from every possible angle. I guess that's why I chose photography as a career in the first place: from my safe vantage point far above the world, I could run the entire streak of human emotion without getting involved in all the mess. Of course working as a semi-contracted employee of one of the world's most read fashion magazines was far less philosophical than I liked it to be, but my work still achieved praise from far and wide. However tonight, I had to admit defeat at the hands of my Olympian stalker. The sharp intensity of the green eyes stared hauntingly back into my own, almost as their owner was right there in front of me. Over and over, I hungrily gazed back at the faultless visage that was frozen on my computer, running my line of sight upon every bone that came together so seamlessly to form his face, every lustful square inch of exposed skin that lovingly adorned his form. Here alone in my thoughts, it wasn't hard to see why half the nation was besotted with Kendall Knight. "And why I'm fast becoming one of them" I murmured inaudibly, my words slowly evaporating into contemplative silence before they even reached my ears. My heart lurched sickeningly against my chest as my eyes bored deeper into my new obsession, not paying attention to the dying voice of reason screaming in my head. "I'm slipping."
With a frustrated blink of my eyes, I stood up out of my beckoning chair and forced myself to the other side of the room. "God, what's happening to me?" I whispered shakily as I wrung my hands in guilty desperation. My feet quickly took me to the bathroom, landing me firmly in front of the cabinet mirror. The man staring back at me was slowly starting to become a stranger. His eyes were no longer my own, they glinted with ardent yearning, something I thought I repressed within a long time ago. "Are you looking to get hurt?" I said, the air slicing out of my lungs. "Don't you remember what happened the last time?"
"But it's different this time. He wants it." The yearning moan echoed seductively through my head like a battle cry against my conscience. I didn't want this, I didn't want him. I just needed to be by myself and everything in the world would right itself. Kendall was someone I worked with, granted it was begrudgingly, but that was where the entire shenanigan was finished. There was no great revelation of desire, not even some regrettable one night stand. There was just me, end of story.
"Logan, open up." I watched in horror as my reflection's eyes widened in horror. My skin blanched itself into a shockingly pallid absence of color to the point where I feared a ghost stood in my mirror. He couldn't be here. Not now, not when I'm this powerless against him. "Come on, I know you're in there." There was no helping it, this would have to be taken head on if I were to prove to myself that I could put up at least a token of resistance. Reluctantly shuffling my feet to the door, I sent a heaven-bound prayer that this would be quick. If there was any proof that he wasn't human, it was this – no one could ever make someone else this pathetic. "You're a witch" I thought scathingly, opening the door to face the dazzlingly candid smile that waited on the other side of the threshold. "No, more than that, you'll be a murderer soon if you don't stop this." My eyes did an involuntary sweep of his body, noticing that even in jeans and a T-shirt; he's still every bit of the divine being as he is in those photos. His existence must be the most pure form of affliction to every one of his admirers. "Kendall, what are you doing here?" I asked flatly, trying my level best to ignore the sparkling emeralds looking benignly at me. "And how did you even get up here? I gave Steve clear instructions not to let you in."
"It's amazing what people will let you do if you threaten them with a second black eye" he said cheerfully, barging his way past me into the apartment. "Especially if the first one hasn't healed up yet." I shook my head disdainfully at his glee. How could he treat this so casually? "Shouldn't you be out club hopping on a Friday night?"
"I should, but what's the point if you're not by my side?" he sighed, turning around over to my workstation. His Labrador enthusiasm immediately ignited at the sight of the photos looming patiently on the desktop. "Ah, is this from today?"
"Yes-"
"Were you jerking off to me? Did I interrupt you?" His smirk grew wider at my obvious discomfort. He took a step closer, the heat from his body clouding all of my senses. I had expected this, but never thought it would be this dominant. "Do you need the real me to help you finish off?" he said softly, his voice like dripping honey. "People say I'm gifted in bed. One might go so far as to say… godly." I snorted derisively at his arrogance. "Don't flatter yourself. Why are you here?" I watched fearfully as he curled his smile to the corner of his mouth. Right now, he could probably do anything he wanted to me, and I wouldn't refuse. He's the one enthralling poison I can't get enough of. He took a step back, allowing me a grateful inhalation of air. "Look, it's kind of obvious that you're resisting me for some reason."
"Kind of obvious? Try very."
"But I'm not really interested in the reason" he continued, unabashed at my reply. His eyes glimmered knowingly in my direction. "So, I'm going to stop pursuing you." I frowned bewilderedly up at him, his face never once betraying the mask of untold secrets it wore. Somewhere inside my body, I felt my stomach give a disappointed twist. Was it really over so easily? "Really?"
"On one condition."
"I should have known" I muttered irritably, rolling my eyes at the annoying smile he threw me. "I'm not sleeping with you."
"Nah, nothing like that. My sister's birthday is on Sunday, and I want you to come back home with me to the Hamptons."
"You have got to be kidding me" I moaned, letting my open palm catch my falling head. "What the hell for?"
"I just want you to see where I'm from" he said, his smile lessening somewhat. "I want you to know where I grew up and the kind of person it's made me."
"I can tell you that right now – a privileged son of a bitch with too much money on his hands." He laughed melodiously at my retort as a distinct glow overtook his eyes. He could make fun of anything, including himself – he never took anything seriously, but that's the kind of person he was. He didn't have to worry about the perpetual comfort of loneliness falling in through his life. The sun would always shine wherever he walked, dousing him in this ethereal optimism. "And what if I don't come?" I asked quietly. "What will you do?"
"I'll keep chasing you until you give in" he said smilingly. The soft confidence of his voice shuddered throughout my body. If he were to just lay a finger on me, I'd explode in ecstasy. "You know I will Logan. And from what I can see, I'm starting to get through to you. It's only a matter of time." He was absolutely right – there was only a thin film of time until my emotions took over me, leaving me subject to his every whim. If he came that close, I'd lose myself completely to the madness. My identity would lie in ruins, mere remnants of what was. It would be better just for this one time to give in to what he wanted and be free of him forever. "When do we leave?"
"Now."
"WHAT!"
-xoxoxoxoxo-
"Do you want something to drink? It's been a while since I've been here so I only have coffee." Kendall gracefully flicked his hand against the switches immediately behind the front door, instantly bathing the entire house in light, stinging my eyes as it bounced off the stark white walls. It was clear that he lived here alone: just a sofa and TV stood in the living room, friendless islands stranded in the vast space of the room. I followed him to the kitchen, turning my head around to absorb these foreign surroundings. While Kendall lacked in materialism, he made up for in sentimentality. The wall that led from the living room down the passage in the opposite direction was covered with photographs of him at the various stages of his life; stretching from kindergarten all the way to his first professional shoot as a model, all aligned with perfect precision and chronological order. Even then, he was the master seducer, every bit as charming as he was now. My perception of my blonde 'colleague' deepened – these photos paid homage to the fact that he was born with this seductive magnetism, pulling in everyone who was fortunate enough to cross paths with him. This man could have anything he wanted; he just had to name it and people would bend over backwards to please him. "And I'm the target this time" I contemplated gravely, shifting my gaze away from the most recent addition of his collection. In between the professional pictures, there was the smaller moments of his life, everyday snippets he coveted from his former reality before the vapid world had tried to sink its talons into him. Two people kept standing out – an auburn-haired woman whose airy cheekbones were set high like his, and a girl who seemed to be exactly like a younger version of her. I gently laid my bag down before the altar of his past and headed up the passage to kitchen. "You really are something else" I thought, feeling my heart begin to do its family tango of excitement. "So what do I hold for you?"
"Coffee's ready" he called, his voice echoing vociferously through the house. I winced as I walked up to him to collect my caffeinated reward for the five hour drive from New York to Westhampton. "You don't have to shout, I'm right here."
"I know, but I'm really glad you came" he grinned apologetically. I smilingly shook my head as I took a sip of the piping hot liquid. "I didn't think you would."
"Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? It was either one weekend or a lifetime of hiding away from you." His smirk widened into that frustratingly optimistic curl of glee. Nothing I said or did seemed to faze him in the slightest; his sheer drive into getting what he wanted was unlike any I'd ever seen. I was wrong, he wasn't a god. Gods would tremble if he so much as glanced them. He was something beyond that, but exactly what, I didn't know. There was a big part of him that I couldn't put into words yet, because I was afraid of what I would experience. All it would take was the gentlest of nudges from him, and I'd lose my heart and soul to this immortal beauty – that was if I hadn't already. He entranced me completely, taking me to this place that I've only ever allowed myself to be once. Already, the signs were returning – the sweaty palms, the mini heart attacks every time he glanced in my direction. I just hoped this time I'd end up somewhere better.
"You seriously thought I wouldn't come?" I asked, laying down my cup of coffee on the countertop. His head slipped into an agreeing nod. "Can I be honest with you?"
"You probably will no matter what I say."
"You're not a very open person, and its scaring people off. You like to think you are, but you're not." He took a sagely sip of his coffee before continuing on his reflective tirade. "You like to be in control of the situation, and if you're not, you have this insane paranoia that something bad is about to happen. You have trouble trusting people so you prefer being by yourself, but deep down you're longing for someone to connect with." As soon as he placed his cup down next to mine, he pulled against his body with surprising strength. His fingertips danced lightly against the back of my waist, tracing feathery circles into the slit of skin that my shirt didn't cover. Against my better judgment, I placed my head down against his chest; making the low moan I emitted my only protest to this sensual assault. His soft laughter at my helplessness swept through my ears and filled my body with equal parts of shame and want. This was what it was truly like to be caught in a storm. "You're broken somewhere aren't you?" he asked quietly, trailing a single finger up my spine. I shivered in his hold, pressing my head further into his chest until I found the sweet music of his heartbeat. "Yeah" I whispered automatically. His other hand wrapped around waist protectively, shielding me from some invisible threat. "I am. Kind of."
"Someone must have hurt you pretty bad for you to be like this Logan."
"Yes." I lifted my head from his chest and gazed straight into his eyes. I was naked before him, completely vulnerable to everything he embodied. If he hurt me now, I wouldn't make it through the pain like I had the last time. "What else do you know about me?" I asked softly. He pulled our heads together until our skin met each other with the lightest of touches. "I know you prefer to take pictures using film rather than digital cameras, you hate anchovies on your pizza and that 21 is on loop in your car stereo." He brushed his lips against my cheek until they were just before my ear. I closed my eyes to the world, living for only this, only this most regal of touches. I was a slave to this, and I never wanted to leave. "I watch you Logan, I always have."
"Why?" I breathed raggedly. "Why do you love me?"
"Because underneath all that ice is passion. I've seen it when you look at me through the camera. For just one moment, you let go of yourself and just give into the moment. I wish you'd do that now."
"It's not that I don't want to… I don't… I can't…" I took in a breath to steady myself. "I don't know if I can trust you."
"Fair enough sexy" he murmured, throwing me to higher and higher nirvanas of bliss. "Just tell me what you want for now. The rest will come in time."
"Pull me in and don't let go."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
"We should probably get up" I muttered sleepily. My eyes kept fluttering open, stealing glimpses at the bleeding dawn of the sun across Westhampton. Kendall groaned irritably as he buried his face further down in his pillow, pulling me closer towards his body with no exertion whatsoever. The thin scrolls of sunbeams crowded themselves across the bedroom window, but it was the comforting pulses of heat from the statuesque body beside me that immersed themselves into me first. A cunning thought cracked across my mind, forcing my lips into their maiden attempt at a mocking grin. "Kendall?"
"Yeah?" I sniggered at the heavy weariness dripping in his voice. "How long has it been since you spooned someone without ever screwing them first?"
"I believe the term you're looking for is 'lovemaking'" he said, the pillow continuing to muffle his voice into quiet whispers of what it should be like. Eventually I heard his head turn, with his breath against my neck a second later. My hand squeezed his in response, transforming my body into his personal playground. I was his now, completely – I didn't care if I slipped, or if I would get hurt in the future. This was all I needed at the moment, and he was only to happy to oblige me. "And it has been a while since I spooned someone" he murmured, tracing oblong shapes across my back with the tip of his finger. I close my eyes and felt my body give a pleasurably shudder, all of its own free will. "Actually, it's been a while since I slept with anyone at all." My heart thudded immediately against my chest, desperate to be free of my body. Needless to say, I already knew the reason behind it all, asking him would only be a futile exercise in pushing him away. He'd been waiting for me all this time. He was either extremely patient or arrogant, but in the end did it really matter? Being here, just protected in his arms, I felt like I had the entire world stretched out before me. It was the beginning phases of where love took over, and everything shaded itself into tinges of pink explosions, but I really was beginning to believe that anything was possible; and that was no easy feat for someone who would call isolation his best friend. "Don't let me fall" I prayed, pulling myself right into his grasp. "I'm taking a huge chance here on you Kendall. Don't hurt me… please."
It was well after nine o' clock by the time we decided to shove each other out of the bed. What had once been separate ideals of determination now combined into affectionate shoves and punches over the single tube of toothpaste that remained in the house. Insisting that we eat breakfast before we shower, my newfound lover dragged me into the kitchen, riffling through the bag he'd brought the night before. I watched on, in total awe of this wonderfully strange creature who had wormed himself into my petty existence. Everything he did, even the small movements that were faded into the background, had this inexplicably magical prowess that kept my attention fixed only on him. "I know I kept the bacon here somewhere" he frowned, rummaging through the contents of his bag. Heaps upon heaps of clothes were produced from its seemingly endless confines until his prize was found – a small rectangular plastic bag, filled with the delight of the ambrosia of breakfast meats. He threw me a tiny smirk. "Can you look through that cupboard for a frying pan?" I turned around to comply, only finding the sleek metallic circle after a considerable amount of straining. "Did you even use this thing?" I asked, examining the smooth ebony surface before handing it over to him. He set it neatly upon the stove top, throwing the packet of bacon aside to look through the drawer beside the fridge. "Nope, not even once. I told you, it's been a while since I've been here."
"Because you had a good reason for staying in New York?"
"Because I had the best reason for staying in New York." He ceased his attack on the drawer and closed the distance in between us with two eager strides. My senses overrode themselves in excitement, heightening to new zeniths at the touch of his fingers around my waist. I slowly lifted up my hand, letting my own fingers catch individually in between his flower-like lips. He playfully nipped at the last one, his childlike enthusiasm bursting to the fore in the most unashamed manner possible. "Can I say it?" he asked softly. His eyes tore through me, penetrating whatever defenses I placed up. I returned his gaze with equal depth, though it took every iota of willpower I had not to melt away here in front of him. "I need to ask you something first" I murmured, my head growing lighter with each second. "How come you only smile at me?"
"You noticed huh?"
"Yeah. I don't think I've ever taken a picture of you when you're smiling." His smirk grew as his planted the softest of kisses against my palm. "You know I'm a model right?"
"I have noticed that, yes."
"I'm pretty much up for public scrutiny. People have seen almost every part there is to see about me. Don't you think I should save something for you?" I shook my head smilingly, snaking my arms around his back. I laid my ear against his chest, listening to the faint song of his heartbeat lulling me to further states of serenity. Never in my life have I been this caught up with someone else – or this at peace with myself. "Say it."
"I love you."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
Sunday arrived in all of its lazy morning glory, but by early morning the two of us were already driving ourselves into a frenzied state of activity. Kendall had packed what seemed like an entire party store in the trunk of his car, and kept giving me these delirious grins as we unpacked the party decorations. I couldn't help but feel various shades of confusion as I made the trips between the kitchen and the car with ant-like diligence. I didn't really see the point in me being here now that he already succeeded in what he set out to do. This was as an occasion meant for family, someone like me had no right yet to intrude on something so special. "But you need to be here to see the best part!" exclaimed my colleague, pulling out various strings of tinsel from the boxes with dexterity that a spider monkey could be proud of. "She's going to hate this so much!"
"You mean love it, right?" I asked, arching my eyebrow quizzically as I placed the last of the boxes down on the counter. He shook his head with that classic evergreen smile, wounding me right down to the core. "My sister's a boy at heart" he sighed, running his eyes across the tinsel's length. "She hates all of this girly crap. The look on her face will be absolutely priceless."
"How very thoughtful of you" I laughed, pulling out a snow white cloth dotted with cherry blossoms from the box that had just been in my arms. Being here with him now only served to confirm that there were two sides to Kendall Knight: the indifferent ice prince that the rest of the world loved, and the zealous puppy that only his beloveds were privy to. "And now, I can count myself as one of them" I thought, smirking to myself like the love struck idiot that I was. All the same, the panicked thunderbolt of my worries had not simply erased itself now that I had consented to this. There was always a downside to happiness; I had experienced it far too often in my young life to ignore it. "If I keep this up, will there really be pain on the other side. Can I really get hurt again?" I momentarily paused myself and turned around to see Kendall desperately attempting to untangle the three tinsel circles spiraled around his body. "He loves me now, but what about tomorrow? Or the day after that?" My stomach exploded silently in adrenaline, releasing wave upon wave of fresh woe that hadn't even happened yet. I took a deep breath to try and stem the flood and turned back around, the image of the god I loved burnt permanently into my head. Even as I faced the blank wall, I still somehow saw his eyes, staring at me with their soft green haunt, sparkling to match their owner's innocent smile. "The past is just that" I whispered, careful not let my words reach any ears but my own. "He wouldn't hurt me." So why was it so hard for me to believe that now?
"Anyone home?" A cheerful voice rang through the house, followed shortly by vociferous thuds of boots against the floor. Behind me, I heard Kendall abandon his battle with the killer tinsel and run over to hug the new arrival. "Damn it woman, why don't you ever call me when I'm New York?"
"You know I would, but every night I sit by the phone and wait for my son to call, but he never does. It's really a shameful set of affairs; I think I may have to kill him for the tears he made me cry."
"Get in line, the tinsel has dibs. God, I missed you so much Mom" he moaned. I turned on my heel and threw a smile at the auburn-haired woman, instantly recognizing her from the wall of photographs. Like her son, she too was blessed with ethereal grace beyond compare, commanding an informal elegance with just her presence in the same room as us. She had aged from the youthful goddess I'd seen in the photos, but there was no mistaking her almost deadly beauty. "So you must be Logan" she smiled, walking forward with an extended hand. Before I could muster a response, she warmly took my own into hers and crushed it with a surprising show of strength. "Nice to meet you Mrs. Knight" I smiled, coercing myself not to wince at the pain shooting through my arm. My greeting earned me a bare hint of porcelain white teeth. God must have either just gotten laid or gone heavy on some divine alcohol when He made the Knight family – their refined looks outclassed anyone that I'd ever seen. "Please, call me Jennifer" she said, now rubbing her palm against my elbow. For fear of further injury, I nodded my head into a weak agreement and looked over imploringly at Kendall to save me. He jerked his head impishly, before walking over to drag his mother away from me. "Where's the birthday girl?" he asked, renewing his struggle with the tinsel. Jennifer shook her soft waterfall of fiery hair, walking over to her son. Her hands made quick work of the decoration's bind, her fingers ripping and pulling away the main strand from Kendall's waist. "Your sister's gone for the morning" she said flatly, freeing the last bit of tinsel from his body. "Kelly took her out for some half day spa special."
"Bet she loved that."
"You have no idea. Be prepared for Satan's wrath like you cannot believe." She clicked her tongue impatiently, flicking aside a stray lock of blazing ginger hair. "Damn it, I forgot the cake in the car."
"I'll get it" offered Kendall, shooting a dark glower at the still snake of silver lying unobtrusively on the floor. He shuffled impatiently on his feet as he waited for his mother's car keys and dashed out of the door into the sadistic slap of the cold morning upon obtaining them. "I wonder if that boy will ever learn" sighed Jennifer, gazing longingly in his wake. She turned her head to smile apologetically. "I'm pretty sure he must have dropped himself on the head when he was a kid."
"He's not really like that at work" I said, smiling slightly for the sake of appeasing her. The uncomfortable sensation of being here with someone so close to Kendall made me feel more of a trespasser than anything else. I was slowly in the torturous process of becoming a stranger in my lover's world, despite all the efforts he had made to welcome me here. I was pretty certain that I'd soon disappear from it all, what with the combination of my awkward presence and the dark misgivings swirling in my head. "Just like before."
"Kendall talks about you all the time" said Jennifer, pulling me out of my depressive self-affliction. I looked up to see her smiling, cocking my head bemusedly. "He does?"
"Of course. He never stops going on about you. I have to say Logan; you must be one incredible person to get him wound up like that."
"I'm actually no" I said quietly, lowering my gaze to the floor. What was it about these Knights that made me feel so unworthy in front of them? "There's nothing remarkable about me."
"Don't sell yourself short there. It only takes one breath of true love to make someone forget their own dreams." I looked up sharply to meet her eyes with an alarming quiver. I could feel the color drain from my face, my heart starting to do its familiar despairing waltz. "What do you mean?" I asked softly, watching her mouth curl nostalgically into a smile. "When Kendall first got into modeling, he wanted to travel the world and walk along all those artsy catwalks in London and Paris. I tried to make him stay in the States, but you know how stubborn he can be. Anyways, about six months ago, his managing company told him he'd passed the audition for some fashion festival thingy in Berlin with a follow up gig in Milan. He point blank refused to go."
"Because of me?" I whispered softly, feeling the dread insidiously curl up my spine. I saw Jennifer's mouth continue to talk, but my senses abandoned me in my moment of need. I was the one who had cost him his dream. Instead of soaring across the catwalks of the world, he chose to be with me instead. My mind flooded with terror as I backed up against the wall, feeling the house spin around me with mad abandon. I couldn't breathe – it was as if I'd forgotten how to take in air. Every fiber in my body screamed with guilt. He would hate me one day for this; it was so obvious to see that. He would look at me and see the man who cost him the very reason of why he'd chosen to become a model at all. I was wrong – I would be hurting him, not the other way around. Pain, it seemed, was so much greater when I was the one causing it.
-xoxoxoxoxo-
"Are you OK? You haven't said a word since the party began." The drive back to New York was quicker this time, but it might as well have lasted an entire day for all I cared. My hand fumbled around my pocket for my apartment, dragging it out and inserting it into the slot on the door. I couldn't bring myself to open the door and let him in. If I did, it was a death knell for his career. Sexuality aside, what model in their right mind, male or female, would turn down the chance to do a show in Europe of all places? "I'm sorry" I said, feeling my heart knot itself in between my ribs as I watched him tilt his head at me innocently. I was sorry – sorry for being the one who had to be the one and only reason for him staying in New York, sorry for being selfish and wanting him to never leave me right now… sorry for not being able to say those three words. "I love you" I whispered, my eyes transforming into shimmering pools instead of their usual firm chocolate. I looked away as he came closer to me, but his fingers entranced my face to stare longingly at him. "Really?" he murmured, stroking my cheek with his thumb. I nodded. Smirking superiorly, he leaned forward and dragged his lips softly against my face, exciting my skin in writhes of sinful bliss. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to here you say that" he said, pulling back from me. My hand traveled up to his, reluctantly pulling it away from my face. "Your mom told me that you turned down a chance to go to Europe."
"I wish she'd stop broadcasting my life like that" he breathed wearily. "She's worse than the tabloids when she wants to be."
"I… I need to tell you something Kendall." I bit my lip anxiously. This was the final threshold, the last part of me that he didn't know about. If I had to let him go, I'd have to let this go too. "I've only ever had one serious relationship before this."
"Damn and I was hoping to be your first!"
"Be serious" I whispered. I would miss the random bursts of lightheartedness when it was gone. Collapsing my chest in one fluid breath, I gathered up the scattered rags of my courage and went on to tear his heart to pieces. "Before I graduated from college, I was going out with a guy from my class. He was… he meant everything to me."
"You loved him?"
"Until now." I slipped my hand into his and gripped onto it for dear life. "It killed me whenever you'd flirt with me at work because the two of you are so alike."
"You're worried that you love me because of him? I don't really care Logan, just as long as you love me."
"There's more. Somehow his family found out about us and they weren't too happy with him going out with another man. One day he just showed up here and said it was over." My hand grew tighter around his, but he didn't say a word. All of his being was focused on me right now. "I went mad. I must have left a thousand of messages on his phone. I showed up screaming at his work place. I even got arrested for kicking his dad in the balls."
"You bad boy" laughed Kendall softly. "Who knew you were such a rebel?"
"They dropped the charges. But it sunk in" I said slowly. "He wasn't coming back."
"I'm not leaving you."
"But I have to Kendall" I whispered hoarsely. My eyes stung with the acidic mist of my desolate tears. "You can't give up-"
"I'm not going anywhere" he said firmly. The sea green of his eyes blazed obstinately in response to my incomplete sentence. His arms wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me right against his body. "I know what you're trying to do. Did my mom also tell you that ever since I saw you, you're the only thing I think about?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Then she must have told you that I don't want that anymore." He pursed his lips together in one intense line. "Logan, look, you're right" he said softly. He pressed his forehead against mine gently, letting his hands wander around my back. "I wanted to have the world at my feet. I wanted to be the best at what I did, but ever since you came into my life… it's all worthless whenever I'm close to you like this. You're why I get up every day." His lips brushed against mine, barely touching against my softened pout. Electric sparks flew across my body, bringing everything in their path affectionately to life. This wasn't a ghost from my past – this was my now. "I can't do this without you sexy" he crooned, his fingers tapping lightly against my hips. "You're the only thing I need." I let out a soft whimper as I gave into him. "Can I say it?" I asked thickly, letting my head land squarely against his chest. I felt him laugh deeply before pressing his lips against my hair. "You'd better." I belonged only to him now: I trusted him more than anyone else. He would never let me fall like I had before. He was the one who had taught me to love again and ended the measly existence I lived before this. How could I not end up giving him everything that I was? "I love you."
-xoxoxoxoxo-
Epilogue
"You're smiling in this one." I placed my laptop in Kendall's lap, watching him scan his digitized self with a bewildered frown. "So?"
"SO, the company decided to use this one as the cover for the summer brochure."
"And the problem is?"
"I thought you said you only smiled for me." His face instantly lit up with a blithe smirk. "Jealous are we?"
"No… maybe a little." His grin continued to grow wider, threatening to split his face in two. I gave an exasperated sigh. "Fine, I'm jealous. After this, what's there left for me?"
"Good point" he said, laying the laptop onto the nearby table with a mocking frown. "What will be left after this goes public? I'll be in the masturbatory fantasies of women and fairies everywhere."
"Don't patronize me." With lightning speed, he grabbed my arm and pulled me on top of him. His fingers roamed themselves across my sides, enticing a rapturous moan from my lips. I lowered my lips to his, running my tongue against the sweet petals. His mouth acceded to my lustful beg, tasting even more heavenly than the bee stung barrier guarding them. I pulled back from our union to take in the emerald fire in his eyes. He was my all, and this time I wasn't about to let him go. "Anyone ever tell you how perfect you are?"
"Yes, but a guy loves hearing it over and over again." I laughed as I let my head fall against his. It didn't get any better than this. "Can I tell you something else instead then?" His hands ran through the dark forest of my hair in response. He knew it already, but I never grew tired of saying it. This would be my motto until my last breath. "Go ahead."
"I love you."
Well, that's it Hope you all liked it, especially Theaterkid and Knightales, this one was for you! Please leave a review and let me know what you thought or if you have an idea that you would like me to write about. Till next time guys, stay safe and ship Kogan! Ciao!