AN: Hey! So this is part two to the last chapter, occurring on the same day (just to be clear). Ah, I hope you guys like it!
Chapter 36
At the BAU-
Dr. Spencer Reid quietly rushed over to his cluttered desk with his messenger bag draped over his shoulder, his younger half-sisters journal moving about inside. He was noticeably late, and also noticeably distressed.
"Look who decided to show" a grinning Emily Prentiss joked from her own desk area.
"Sorry, I uh- I slept late" Spencer muttered, dropping his bag down next to his seat and not looking up, immediately starting on the stack of papers residing in front of him. Emily gave him a skeptical look, not that he could see.
"Hm, you slept late?" The dark haired agent raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I forgot to set my alarm" Spencer replied, focused on his paper work. Emily decided to dismiss the doctor's odd behavior and continue with her own set of papers.
By lunch time, Dr. Reid was still exhibiting the same strange actions as he had brought into work with him that morning.
"Alright, what's going on with you?" Emily leaned in towards Spencer's desk, fishing for an answer. He sighed and stayed silent, until Emily's eye caught his and he knew he she was the only one who could help.
He reached into his messenger bag and pulled out the leather bound book, placing it down on the space in front of him.
"What's that?" Emily jerked her chin up, referring to the journal.
"It's Jenna's journal" Spencer let out.
"Wait, you took Jenna's journal?! Did you read it?" Emily replied, slightly irritated that he invaded Jenna's privacy.
"I had no choice, Emily. She's in trouble, and she won't talk to me about anything" Spencer defended himself, tears welling up in his eyes. Emily's expression turned concerned.
"It's a food journal, it lists everything she's eaten-and thrown up, every calorie and every ounce she gained or lost" Spencer repeated the words that had been filtering through his head over and over again. Emily's expression softened, her heart sinking.
"Spencer..."
"Did you know anything about this?" Spencer inquired, looking up into the eyes of agent across from him. She hesitated to answer.
"Well... I might have had an idea..." Emily replied lightly. Spencer's head jolted up, his face confused.
"Wait, you knew about this?" He retorted quietly, not wanting the rest of the team to over hear their conversation.
"Not exactly, but Jenna confided in me about a few things and I didn't want to break her trust-"
"So you did know about this? You let my little sister go on starving herself because you didn't want to break her trust? She's cutting herself for god's sake Emily, and you couldn't tell me?" Spencer was getting more and more worked up as the discussion turned into an argument.
"Wait- she's cutting herself?" Emily said in shock. She felt guilty letting Jenna go on in so much pain, but if she knew she was hurting herself to alleviate that pain she would have said something sooner.
"I-t thought you knew" Spencer replied, calming down a bit.
"W-what do I do?" The doctor asked, tears threatening to fall.
"She was put into my care, I was suppose to prevent these things from happening. I can't help but feel I've failed" The doctor's desperate voice was heartbreaking. He felt helpless, for once in the young genius' life his mind could not concoct a way out.
-xXxXx-
Mercifully, Mrs. Bates let us out of rehearsal at approximately 6:30pm, instead of the scheduled 8:00pm. We had finally reached the home stretch, cleaning numbers and perfecting scene changes. The pressure pushed harder and harder each day, putting strain on the entire cast. We were exhausted to say the least, mentally and physically.
"Ugh, please say the coffee pot is on. My history teacher thought it was a fine idea to assign a paper Joseph Stalin due tomorrow" I shouted across the apartment upon my arrival to a not yet visible Spencer. I saw his shoes at the door, so I figured he had beaten me home by a few minutes.
I kicked off my severely uncomfortable mary janes and made my way into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee. It wasn't the best idea, but if I was going to get that essay done, it was the essential.
Three steps into the kitchen, I stopped dead in my tracks. Spencer was sitting back in his chair at the square table, and in front of him was what appeared to be my diary. The same diary that held every morsel I put in, and ejected out of my body for the past eight months. My stomach dropped straight down to my unsteady feet, threatening to slip through the cracks of the tile floor and to the apartment below.
"W-where did y-you find that?" I brought my shaky hand up and pointed to the leather journal, Spencer keeping his gaze on the book.
"I don't think that's really important right now, Jenna" Spencer's tone seemed drained, exactly what I was feeling.
"Well I certainly didn't leave it out in the open, so it's safe to say you snooped around my room?" I snapped back.
"Jenna-"
"Well did you read it?" I raised my voice, my heart pounding at the thought of Spencer finding out about the demons in my head.
"What did you expect me to do? I'm worried about you Jenna, and you won't talk to me" Spencer defended.
"That still doesn't justify you invading my priva-wait, you did read it?" I said enraged at first, then after realizing Spencer had read it, my voice went flat.
Spencer looked at me with pleading eyes.
That's when I felt the scratchy lump form at the base of my esophagus, traveling up and affecting my entire throat. My heart rate sped up in no time at all, causing my body to heat up. I felt my tear ducts start to act up, signaling my brain to go into panic mode.
I slapped my palm to my warm forehead and took a deep breath, pacing back and forth in the undersized kitchen.
"This isn't happening" I whispered to myself in disbelief. I felt my walls crashing down, and the timing couldn't have been worse.
The combination of sleep deprivation and the exposure of the demons I tried so hard to keep hidden, my knees became weak and began to quake.
"Jenna please sit down" Spencer advised. I would have loved to object, but my body thought otherwise.
I collapsed into the seat across from Spencer, rubbing the sides of my tear streaked face with my trembling hands.
"This isn't happening, this isn't real" I murmured so quietly it was practically inaudible. I could feel my blood boiling, my adrenalin pumping. My mind was going haywire, I couldn't put two thoughts together let alone express them.
"Tell me what I can do to help you" Spencer spoke softly, reaching out for my hand but retreating when I jerked away.
"There's nothing anyone can do Spencer!" I shouted through the mass in my throat and snot clogged airway. I normally would have felt guilty for snapping when Spencer was only trying to help, but instead I felt nothing.
We were both silent for a few moments, minus the sound of my hyperactive breathing and quit sobs.
"Show me your arms" Spencer said in monotone. Any movement I had been making ceased, and I froze, my expression slightly hurt and confused.
"W-what?" I choked out. I had already thrown Spencer through a loop, he didn't need to see what else I did to myself under his care.
"I want to see your arms" He repeated sternly. I was shocked how his tone turned from concerned, to somewhat demanding and mean.
"No, no" I objected. That didn't stop Spencer, though.
He stood up from his chair and took the two steps required to make it over to me.
"W-what are you doing-" I questioned, just before he grabbed both of my wrists.
I stood up, pushing the chair backwards and tugged with all of my weight, trying to break free of his grasp.
"No, Spencer please don't do this, please" I begged, my bottom lip quivering. He didn't listen.
Spencer pushed both of the sleeves to my hideous school uniform up to my elbows, and his face flushed white.
The tiny slip of the fabric uncovered an abundance of scars, ranging from thin and white, to up to an inch of light pink regenerated skin cells that attempted to reconnect the slits. My forearms were littered with them, from wrist to elbow crease.
Spencer looked up at me with tear filled eyes and a dumbstruck expression. I could feel my heart break in two.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Spencer" I managed to blurt out in between sobs.
"A-are these b-because of-of me?" He asked, analyzing the blemishes.
"No, no none of this is your fault" I tried to reassure him.
"Th-then why did you do it?"His feeble face looked to mine.
"I wish it was easy to explain" I mumbled, my voice not allowing a higher volume.
Spencer loosened his grip, causing me to fall flat on my bum since I was still leaning away from him. I hiccupped as I squashed onto the ground and Spencer joined me on the cold floor. We both stayed silent, sitting cross legged with our arms in our laps. My weeping gradually came to an end, leaving me even more exhausted than before.
"How long?" Spencer's weary voice filled the space between us. As much as I didn't want inform Spencer any further of my battles, I didn't have the energy to fight him.
"I started, um, cutting, four years, seven months, one week and two days ago" I said blankly, not daring to look Spencer in the eye, fearful of what I might find.
"From what I remember, I've always been picky about my food" I added while tracing the floor tiles with the tip of my left index finger.
"H-how can I help?" Spencer's voice cracked. I looked up to see a tear or two trickle from his puffy brown eyes.
I tried to speak, but no noise came out.
"D-do you want to talk to someone? I could set you up with a therapist or-" Spencer was trying, and I admired that, but he didn't quite get it.
"No- no therapist's. I can't do that" I put my hands up in protest.
"Than what do you want me to do Jenna? I can't sit here and watch you destroy yourself like this" Spencer appealed. I wiped a stray tear from my cheek, knowing there wasn't much time until the flood gates opened up again.
"I-I can't answer that right now" I mumbled and griped the table to help pull myself off the ground.
"I need to be alone right now. I'll see you in the morning" I snagged my journal from the counter and turned my back to Spencer just as my tears started to pour. I hurried to my bedroom and shut the door behind me, reversing to my much longed for bed and slid myself under its blankets. I waited involuntarily for Spencer to knock, or come in unannounced, but he never did. I felt bare, like my secrets weren't even safe inside my head. I knew from that point on, everything was only going to get worse.