Penance

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… that's just how I roll these days…

Author's Note: What up guys? So, I'm updating this a bit earlier than I normally would, but Theaterkid put in a request for more Kogan drama! So, I spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about it, and eventually it came to me in a dream… Nah, I'm lying, it came to me in the shower. So Theaterkid, this one is especially for you friend! To the rest of my lovely readers, hope you enjoy it as well.

"I'll cook you dinner if we can spend the rest of the day at the pool!" squealed Jo enthusiastically, swooping the brunette's hands into her own and squeezing them enthusiastically. Logan's eyes rounded their glossy irises into perfect spheres as he fearfully backed away into the comforting support of the loud orange couch. He should have learned by now that the one thing that trumped Jo Taylor's saccharine personality was her thunderous zeal, possessing her to charge like a wild bull into whatever life could throw at her. This girl was basically Labrador stuck in a human body, but he loved every bit of it. "I don't think that it's the right time yet" he said slowly, moving his head away from the blonde's ardent nods. He watched her face sour almost instantly at his words, feeling the couch stretch beneath him as she collapsed next to him a second later. He turned his head smilingly to watch her lips pout themselves out with a sigh. How this particular romance came to bloom was still an enigmatic equation that he couldn't wrap his head around – every time he thought he had the answer, he'd suddenly gain a new perspective that completely changed everything. By all given statistics, he shouldn't have been anything other than a friend to her. The evidence was slapping him in the face, clear as day to see: apart from their obvious personality differences, wasn't the fact that she was the ex-girlfriend of the one person who knew him inside out count for something? Every ounce of affection he felt towards her was blatant treachery, and yet still he pursued this. "You'll never know why I'm in this with you" thought the brunette, faking a smile at the playful shenanigans of his girlfriend's face. "But I still love you no matter what. I just love him too."

"Are things still awkward between the two of you?" asked Jo, tapping Logan against his ribs with her finger. The brunette gritted his teeth until she abated the contacted, never once letting so much as the hint of a wince pass across his face. Hidden underneath his shirt was the price he paid for loving so deeply, an artwork of sacrifice that had gone on ever since him and the blonde started going out. His body had become a passive canvas for a wrathful artist, painting each stroke of bruises with punches, kicks and whatever form of violence he could express, and he loved every mark. "Yeah" he said quietly, turning his gaze away from Jo. He wasn't sure that he could hide properly hide the swell of emotion this time. Every time someone even mentioned him, his heart would do an infinite performance of contortions in his chest. His very name was enough to send his mind racing with all the sick possibilities he'd have to suffer to endure just to even be close with him. It didn't matter one bit that he was the single focus of endless tsunamis of rage – it was worth it. "Things are bad" he said simply, his voice dropping to almost whisper range. Jo fiddled with her thumbs, staring gloomily ahead at the blank TV screen. "Do you regret us?" she asked softly. "Maybe we happened so fast that people won't accept that we're together."

"Do you regret this?" The blonde threw her head back at the couch with deep exhalation. "Sometimes. Every time I think of Kendall, I just can't help falling into the guilt. But I tried, I really did. It's just that…"

"It wasn't there anymore" offered Logan, stroking his thumb against the soft silk of her skin. "You can try and dress it up any way you can, but if your heart's not there, you're just two people with all the space in the world between you." Jo sniggered appreciatively. "Since when did you get so smart?"

"Oh, I've always been smart babe, you just haven't noticed." The smile faded from Jo's face as she pondered the brunette's words. "I don't know. I guess that I thought that when I came back, things would be the same… that he'd be the same." She gripped Logan's hand tightly turning to face him. "When will this all end? I'm his ex, you're his best friend; we can't just keep going on and hiding this from the rest of the world forever. For all we know he might have already told people."

"He hasn't" said the brunette quietly, keeping his line of sight firmly fixed away from the limpid amber circles staring so intently at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a bemused frown strike his girlfriend's face. "How do you know?"

"I just… I do. Please trust me." Jo folded her arms expectantly. "That still doesn't answer my question. When will this all go away?"

"When he finally lets this go. And that's never going to happen."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

The shirtless man staring back at Logan from the mirror was a stranger. A foreigner inhabiting his own skin… willfully manipulating his own feelings, throwing him deeper into the brewing storm. His hands lightly roamed across his body, a temple so alien to him now, he feared he may never find himself again in the future. The skin just beneath his ribs was tinged light yellow, sharply contrasting the small patch of blue above his hips. His neck trembled as he dragged the fingertip across the thin ribbon of crimson snaked across his neck – last night; Kendall's resentment had evolved to include biting instead of the usual flailing of his limbs. Shame rose within him, stretching its tainted wings across his heart and making his head spin even more than usual. Not once did he fight back or even try to defend himself. He defied every natural reaction his body wanted to make, forcing it to stay put and endure the flurry of violence his love would perform especially for his sake. To him, these were not artworks of abuse, but rather marks of acknowledgement – since his courtship with Jo began, the taller blonde had all but disowned him from every facet of his life. Apartment 2J had become a potential minefield, forcing all of its inhabitants to consider every word that spewed forth from their mouths before actually giving them a sound. Carlos and James, though sympathetic to his cause, could not bring themselves to explicitly state their support; and silently supported the brunette through all of Kendall's tirades. Even Rocque Records was not immune to the war: Gustavo and Kelly had immediately insisted upon recording each of the boys separately to avoid any conflicts. It was a smart move on their part, and the music was still as good as ever, but to the brunette, it felt like Big Time Rush deconstructed. With the line firmly etched into the sand, the band had slowly begun to lose the deep bonds of friendship they once shared; and Jo's presence wasn't enough to save him from the pangs of loneliness that would grip him every night. "But I love you" he whispered, praying for some sign to show itself and guide him back to the way things were. Was this love? Could this sickeningly twisted triangle be fit to even call itself love, or was it an obsession that ran too deep? He didn't know anymore – what was once clear cut answers now only lead to more questions, leaving him stranded with no hope of rescue.

"Waiting already I see." Logan turned around, his heart thumping furiously at the sight of Kendall slowly closing the door behind him. He was early today; it wasn't evening just yet, but it didn't matter. The creation of their own private world had begun; time was merely a privileged spectator. Feeling his mind yield to the abyss as it always did, the brunette nodded at Kendall and turned back to the mirror. "Break me" he murmured, dropping his hands pathetically at his side. "I'll still love you at the end of it all. Do your worst."

"Not now." Logan had barely a second for a frown to for upon his face before he felt the blonde's hands wrap themselves around his waist. He shuddered as Kendall's fingers lay gently on his hip, the small whimper bursting forth from his lips was the only protest he put up. "This one was for her choosing you over me" whispered the blonde, headily tracing his fingertip against the bruise. Logan shunted his head to the side, unable to stand the exquisite rush of pain shooting through his body. Kendall was barely touching him, but it was enough to set his milky skin ablaze with passion. "And here's when I couldn't stand that you didn't do a thing to stop it" murmured the taller man, trailing his finger up to the brunette's rib bruise, forcing his breath to come out in a weakening gasp. Kendall chuckled softly. He ran his finger further up, eventually tracing the faint streak blitzed across the smaller man's neck. "And here's when you told me you loved me" he said, leaning his head across Logan's shoulder. The soft silk of his lips tenderly grazed across the brunette's neck before he traced his tongue back and forth against the scarlet scar. Logan moaned, shifting more his weight against the solid form of the torso. "What-"

"Am I doing?" Kendall planted his lips softly against the smaller man's shoulder. "Just… making sure of something."

"Of what?"

"Come to the record company tonight and you'll find out."

"So what? You can humiliate me in front of everyone?" The blonde sniggered icily, brazenly streaking his fingers against Logan's stomach. "You did that by yourself pal" he said softly before nipping playfully at the brunette's earlobe. "Besides… if you love me, you'll come."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

No matter how many he tried analyzing it; Logan had to admit defeat at the blonde's words. "Pretty arrogant of him to assume it" he muttered, finally bidding farewell to the Los Angeles night as he entered the record company. Tonight, the building seemed completely devoid of people, freezing the air into uneasy pockets. Kendall's sudden penchant for secrecy wasn't a surprise, but the brunette did wish that he picked a place where there was at least one person around – he may have laid all his defenses into a forced retreat, but he wasn't about to let things get out of hand. "Not that it's worth living anyway" he contemplated miserably, pulling his head down to watch his feet drag him into the main corridor of the building. The rest of his day had consisted of locking Jo inside his firm embrace, as if she was a talisman to ward off her ex's presence. It seemed amazing, but even more so; disgusting, that he could so easily flit between people and have his personality so easily swayed by them. Being in love with two people at the same time just didn't cut as an excuse anymore, and after this afternoon, the decision weighed heavily upon him. Jo was everything he wanted: safe, reliable and sweet… so why was his mind still thriving off of Kendall's touches? Why did he yearn so much for any contact with him, no matter how degrading? "Why do I love him?"

"I'll tell you why." Logan looked up from the ruby carpet beneath his feet, staring blankly at the man he loved smiling frostily before him. The troubled brown of his eyes did a quick sweep of the taller man, settling alarmingly on the black piece of metal in his hand. "A gun?" he breathed, feeling his voice catch somewhere in his throat. Kendall took a step forward to the paralyzed brunette, relishing in every wave of terror the deep mahogany eyes staring at him radiated. "Didn't you ask me to break you?" he whispered softly. Logan's lips parted slightly. "Where'd you get it from?"

"I think the bigger question is what I'm going to do with it" smiled the blonde, pressing the cool metallic tip against the smaller man's temple. The air in the brunette's body abandoned him, rendering him nothing more than a fearful shell. "Here's why you love me Logan – I'm the one person who actually gives a fuck. In every single person in your life, who's been the one right by your side? From kindergarten right till now, who's been there to hold your hand and tell you everything was alright?"

"You have." Logan didn't mean to answer, but somehow the words just flew out. Kendall didn't even have to resort to physical means to get him to obey. "You've been there."

"And you don't love her. She's just a way for you to get to me. She could drop dead right now and you wouldn't care, as long as I'm the one standing next to you, right?"

"I do love her."

"NO YOU DON'T!" The blonde grabbed Logan's shirt and pulled him closer, brandishing the gun even further against his milky skin. "I love her" he snarled, fury blazing against the soft green of his eyes. "I fucking worship the ground she walks on!" Instantly his eyes misted over with an acidic mist eating away at his eyes. Two identical saline trails blazed down the fine skin of his cheek, shining brightly in the fluorescent light. His face contorted several times with an unfathomable grief, marinated heavily underneath swathes of anger and despair. Logan watched as his love broke to pieces as the world he trusted crumbled at his feet. "How could she choose you?" asked the blonde hoarsely. "I gave her everything."

"You want her? Tell me the word and I'll leave, I swear." Logan reached out his hand to caress the taller man's cheek but Kendall threw him back, taking a swooping pace backwards to avoid his touch. "Kendall, don't do this, please" he whispered, his eyes shimmering imploringly. The blonde shook his head zealously. "No… no, I have to do this." He lifted his arm, pointing the gun straight at the side of his head. Indecisive trembles shook across his hand, but he willed them away as soon as they appeared. There was no reason in his head now, just the blinding rage of a soul rejected by the only person he'd ever loved. "She'll love me after this."

"Kendall put the gun down."

"No, I've waited too long for this. Ever since you took her away from me! You're a fucking snake Logan!"

"Don't be an idiot" whispered the brunette, unfreezing himself to take a step forward. "You really think killing yourself will make the pain go away?"

"No" murmured the blonde, curling his lips into an unsteady smile. "But you'll be broken forever, and that at least, is worth something."

"Kendall-"

"I hate you."

The shot echoed through the brunette's ears a million times like despairing lightning, but it seemed to take forever to watch the taller man's body fall to the floor. He looked on in immovable horror as the soft green eyes, once so enthusiastic for the world, let out their last pulse of life before fading into nothingness. A plethora of crimson rivulets streamed from his body to the smaller man's feet, tiny soldiers rallying up their escape from accursed prison. Gone… gone within a final show of his inferno. One final glimpse into the end of his hell, and the start of Logan's. His body allowed him one sentence, a final offering to the dark side of his heart, laying it before himself at this deadened altar. "I'm sorry", but the words were far too late for someone who would never hear them in the first place. In the ringing silence that followed, the brunette stared at the lifeless remainder of his beloved and mistook the howling L.A. winds for the sound of his heart shattering.

~THE END~

Theaterkid, hope you enjoyed that, as well as the rest of you guys! Till next time!