Never Forget

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters… or gotten a tweet from them… so sad…

Author's Note: Hey guys, what's up? I'm having a bit of a dry spell lately when it comes to these one shots, but then suddenly inspiration struck; I just had to write this! A huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted the last chapter, I love you all. Please enjoy this one too!

Number three: kiss a doctor in public

"Logan, stop looking burying yourself in that fucking book!" The brunette slowly lifted his head to stare across at his companion, his bewildered eyes meeting the frustrated circles with a moving intensity. "What? I'm just writing in my diary."

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you something on that" said Camille curtly as she nursed her cup of coffee between her palms. "What the hell kind of doctor keeps a diary?"

"What the hell kind of actress is best friends with a doctor?"

"Hey, you know the plan!" hissed the actress angrily, flaring her cocoa irises with utter condemnation. The brunette recoiled into the back of his chair at the sight of the darkened scowl twisting around her lips. "Until I find someone who matches my fame; or some tragic, infertile rich bastard with two weeks to live; you and I are a couple, end of story!" Her grimace took a more sadistic tone as she gracefully placed herself back on the other side of the booth, surveying the quiet atmosphere of the café with predator-like hunger. "And FYI, when I dump you, it'll be here in front of every paparazzo in town, you'd do best to break down like your life just ended."

"Ever the thoughtful one, aren't you Camille? You're always thinking of ways to make me look more dignified in public" said the doctor flatly, rubbing his hand wearily through the forested spikes of his hair. Camille Roberts should have been nothing more than the girl who used to be his neighbor back home in Minnesota, a fleeting image of his past that had no place here in Los Angeles. Instead, some hopelessly sarcastic twist of fate had saddled her with him since his freshman year at medicine school and since then not a day had passed that she hadn't invaded his life in some sort of ungodly manner. Although Logan was fond of her, the only reason he tolerated her superficial presence was out of convenience – his hours at the hospital stifled his nonexistent social life to the point where the actress was the only one who could put up with his shifts, only because her working hours were equally distorted. In some twisted, cosmic way; the two of them suited each other perfectly, though the brunette continually prayed for patience to not strangle the actress every time she pulled a half baked idea from what she called a brain.

"So how's work in the hospital?" asked Camille, heralding the beginning of the one minute in every conversation that wasn't occupied by herself. The doctor shook his head, feeling his most recent shift's exhaustion steadily crawl its way into his bones. "We're low on O negative blood."

"That sounds… wait, I'm guessing bad right? You have to help me out here, I want to seem caring."

"We're sitting ducks without it" said Logan, narrowing his eyes to bemused slits as he slipped away his diary into the book bag next to him. God was clearly drunk the day he created Camille Roberts. "If there's some sort of huge accident, we won't be able to do blood transfusions." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Wait, aren't you O negative?"

"No, I don't think I am anymore" said the actress sagely, taking a sip of her steaming caffeine. A pleasurable groan escaped her lips before she refocused her attention on the brunette. "I'm Q positive at the moment."

"Stop picking random letters" said Logan, trying his best to suppress a smile. He cleared his throat, rearranging his face to a vacant mask. "You're in perfect health, why can't you donate blood? You'd be doing something selfless."

"I don't like that term. It implies that there's 'less' of the 'self' and Camille Roberts doesn't give anything less than the full ninety-five percent." The doctor gave up a yearning sigh, feeling his head gradually give into the entropic inertia that spitefully circled it. "Well, I'd better pay for this, seeing that I am your boyfriend and what not."

"Some kind of boyfriend you are, I can't even climax at the thought of you! Every time you come into my head, I get this sudden urge to just die!" scoffed the actress histrionically. "This is so going in my interview with People's Magazine: 'Camille Roberts – clever, ambitious and sexually unsatisfied.' In short, the thinking man's sex symbol." Logan opened his mouth to retort, but wisely chose to shut it again. In the game of stupid, his adorable friend would always have the winning hand.

The brunette shuffled his feet over to the counter, adroitly pulling out his wallet. Two snaps of crisp ten dollar notes later, he stuffed the leather square back into his pocket with images of his bed already beckoning to drive home. "Excuse me?" The brunette looked up sharply, instantly finding himself gazing into two intense shards of jade. An impish grin swam into view, followed by the hint of two dimpled cheeks. Fine golden locks basked in the thick California sunlight, lining the enigma's face with the commanding aura of a god. The brunette stumbled back, feeling his hands grab the counter for dear life. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I think you can." The blonde swooped down to collide his lips against the doctor's, his tongue pushing past the smaller man's barrier of lips, melting them effortlessly. His hands gently fluttered down to the brunette's hips, slotting them perfectly against the bare slits of skins beneath the doctor's shirt, sending an illicit shudder down the smaller man's spine. Logan heard himself a lustful moan exit from somewhere in his throat before mustering up the last bit of strength he had in forming his hands to curled balls and shoving the blonde off from him. "Wha… what the fuck do you think you're doing?" he spluttered, arching his brows furiously. The blonde smirked incandescently. "You're not too bad, but you need to be a little more coordinated with your tongue." He reached behind his pocket and pulled out his phone, tapping away at it incessantly while he smilingly ignored the brunette's seething rage. "And I can cross off number three: kiss a doctor in public."

"What?" The blonde paused his fingers to flash another wounding grin. "Sorry, you're a little flustered right?"

"That's a huge fucking understatement!"

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Logan stared at the man as if he'd gone mad. "Are you insane? Is there an asylum I need to call?"

"Funny thing, actually-"

"LOGAN!" The doctor turned his head at the sudden bark, watching on irately as Camille rose dramatically from her seat, her body quivering with unspeakable wrath. "How dare you cheat on me! And with a complete stranger who gives me shivers in all the right places!" The doctor turned back to the blonde, his chestnut eyes burning with an inexplicable rage. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

-xoxoxoxoxo-

12 May 2012

Sometimes the idiots of the world (Camille included) really do confuse the crap out of me. I mean, who the hell are they to encroach on other people? Today, this total stranger comes up to me and starts molesting my lips in broad daylight. Actually, 'molesting' is putting it mildly – he practically stuck his tongue down my throat and then had the nerve to go and fiddle on his phone when he was done! I thank God every minute that I'm probably never going to see him again. I keep getting this awful migraine every time his face pops into my head, no matter how good a kisser he was. I think that all this time I've spent with Camille is starting to get to me or my life more specifically. I think I've entered the Twilight zone… where foolish things happen very often…

-xoxoxoxoxo-

"So he just walked up to that counter and started making out with you?" Logan felt the hot tinge of crimson color his cheeks with embarrassment before slipping his head into a nod at the nurse seated in front of him. The sun was still well below the horizon, but the heat flushing through his face like quicksilver spoke of a surprisingly childish nagging that he couldn't seem to let go off. The Latino rounded his lips together in a mischievous whistle that forced the doctor to shudder irritably. "Yeah, that's not even the best part" he said lowly. "He wanted to buy me coffee afterwards."

"And you didn't say yes? Even after he ringed his tongue around that shower drain you call a mouth?"

"Not you too Carlos" groaned the brunette with shut eyes. He threw his hands up in the air, admitting his defeat. "Look, there are limits to what people can do in public!"

"Interesting… tell me, do you suffer from severe constipation with that stick all the way up your ass?" The doctor's eyes flew opened in alarm. "Did Mrs. Robinson in ICU take her meds?"

"Yes, I checked on it myself, she's responding well to the painkillers. You're changing the subject."

"Correct. I'm also quite tired; last night's shift was a killer."

"Do you really want to play this with me?" asked Carlos, feeling the beam on his lips grow with each passing second. The extremely proper Dr. Mitchell might have had all the smarts in the world, but he nothing more than a sweet, naïve child when it came to the emotional complexities of having to deal with other people. "There's nothing to play" said the doctor through gritted teeth, letting his knuckles go white as he gripped the corner of the table. "He's an asshole, end of story. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"I'm not making a deal out of anything. My face isn't the one blushing."

"I'm not blushing!"

"Right, keep telling yourself that" breathed the nurse gleefully. He flashed his teeth in playful grin. "I need to get going before your fake girlfriend shows."
"She won't show this early." The Latino nodded his head as he stood up. "Look, I know that you believe that everyone has limits, and that everything in this world has its proper place. There's nothing wrong with that, but maybe you should look at this as a lesson. Open up for God's sakes, be spontaneous."

"I am spontaneous… just in very controlled doses."

"And you say Camille's the idiot."

The brunette watched the Latino exit the café, shaking his head in utter disbelief. "The nerve of that guy" he murmured, seeing swathes of red before his eyes. Of course everything had a proper place, that's how the world ran – on tried and tested structure. What would everything come to if everyone just walked up to each other for saliva swaps? There wasn't even the tiniest bit of him that didn't swoon for the sight of the enigmatic blonde or long for him to enter his life with passionate aplomb again. Still, Carlos did have a point – he had to let this go. It happened, there was nothing he could do to change it, and no amount of rage saved especially for him was going to change that. "Breathe in, breathe out… forget the dumbass."

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" The brunette swiveled his head upwards at the sound of the blissful lilt, feeling his heart dislodge his itself from his chest down to his gut. There was no mistaking that emerald gaze, nor the knee-buckling smile being thrown at him. "You have got to be fucking kidding me" said the doctor softly; watching in amazement as the blonde graciously took up what had once been Carlos's seat. "We have got to stop meeting like this" he grinned, propping his hands lightly on the varnished surface, slamming down a thick folder against the wood. Logan rolled his eyes cynically. "Are you stalking me?"

"Conceited, aren't we?" he laughed, widening his smirk. He shook his head. "No, I come here when I can't sleep."

"Or when you feel like sexually harassing someone?"

"Hey, it was just a kiss. If that's your idea of sex, then clearly medical school isn't what it used to be." The brunette snapped back into his chair suspiciously. He felt his heart hammer away inside of him like a deformed drum. "How do you know I'm a doctor?"

"It's kind of obvious from the way you carry yourself. And I've seen you in the hospital doing your rounds."

"God, you really a stalker!" The taller man let out a soft snigger, strumming his fingers across the folder. "No, but you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Jumping to conclusions, just like yesterday. You didn't give me a chance to explain." He leaned in closer; practically drinking in the sight of the brunette's bemused façade. He didn't think it initially, but there was something incredibly bewitching about the doctor's eyes, pools of luminous chocolate that radiated back into the world. It was a shame that he was so guarded, never once letting even a fragment of chaos come near his existence. "I kissed you so that I could finally cross off something on my bucket list."

"Bucket lists are for the dying."

"I am dying." The blonde went back into his seat before pushing the folder towards the doctor, his eyes sparkling with the same infuriating cheer he'd been wearing ever since they met. Raising his eyebrows, Logan flipped open the thick mass of pages, letting his eyes quickly scan the small printed words that leapt forth. "Inoperable brain tumor" he whispered, drawing his face into a slight frown. Once again, an embarrassed film of heat slathered itself across his face. He dropped his gaze onto the table, unable to meet the green glimmer across him. "I'm sorry."

"Now do you get it?" smiled the blonde. "When I'm gone, I don't want to have any of these 'regrets' people keep talking about these days." The brunette couldn't help but break out into a small smile. "That's still no reason for kissing a complete stranger."

"Life's too short to live by reason alone. I'd think a doctor of all people would know that." Logan acceded, finally pulling his eyes up to meet the taller man. "How much time do you have left?"

"About two months or so, which is why we shouldn't waste all this time on this crap." The blonde extended his hand across the table with the warmest grin he could muster, the jade in his eyes glowing zealously in the faint light of the early L.A. morning. "Hi I'm Kendall, and I really want to buy you that cup of coffee." For the first time in his assured existence, Logan Mitchell felt the ground shake beneath his feet… and he didn't seem to care at all.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Number one: watch the entire series of Friends in two days

"Sincerely yours, Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani." The doctor looked over at the blonde, gifting him with a small curve of his lips. "Remind me why you're here in my house and not letting me sleep for the next two days?"

"Because you wouldn't come over to my place" said the blonde, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. "And you have a bigger TV." The brunette slunk his body back against the couch, returning his eyes to the rolling credits on screen. Clearly, he wasn't as stubborn as he thought he was – Kendall had waged a ceaseless onslaught of begs and pleas, all in varying tones of voice to start helping him with his bucket list. This was the end result: two of his three days off lost to the antics of six New Yorkers. Every fiber in his body screamed to drag the taller man out of his house by the ends of his hair, but there was something begrudgingly intriguing about this completely blithe stranger, something he couldn't quite put into full thought yet. The brunette had jotted the sudden rush of sympathy down to the fact that his newfound 'friend' only had two months to live, but the more time he circled around Kendall, the more he found himself being drawn into his nature, almost to the point where he looked forward to see the exuberant grin every day. "I've got to be careful" thought the smaller man, watching on blankly as the blonde switched the discs in the DVD player. "I can't get too attached here, he'll be gone soon." He looked down at the carpeted floor forlornly. "And all this will be gone as quickly as it came." As a doctor, he was used to having balance life and death in his job so skillfully, yet it was so damn perplexing that he couldn't do the same now. Somewhere along the line, his objectivity started to slip, and he feared that the rest of him would soon follow. He had read and reread over Kendall's file, consulted every medical textbook on his shelf, every neurological specialist he could think of, yet the prognosis would budge an inch. The risks of paralysis and loss of cognitive function were too great; and apparently Kendall had chosen the lesser of the evils – to die on his own terms, and face the rest of his days with complete abandon. "With me."

"Ready for the next disc?" The brunette picked his head up. "Are we ever going to sleep?"

"We will. Maybe like an hour or so at a time." Logan formed a slight frown. "You're sleeping here?" The blonde laughed quietly, stretching his hand and letting his thumb blitz across the remote. "Relax; I'll sleep on the couch. You won't be sexually harassed again."

"That wasn't what I was worried about" said the doctor softly, turning his head away. He bit his lip anxiously. "How come you're so OK with this?"

"With what?"

"All of it. Most people write a will, get their affairs in order. And here you are watching to see Rachel and Ross get back together again." He sighed wearily. "Don't you care?"

"What's death but the next great adventure?" asked the blonde as he lessened his grin. He turned away from the TV screen to face Logan, his eyes shimmering with a sudden emerald intensity. "I've spent a lot of money trying to get second opinions about this football in my brain. It drained a lot of my money, so I saved just enough to get me by comfortably for these last few months and fulfill my bucket list."

"And exactly how many things are in this bucket list of yours?"

"It started off as three hundred, but when I realized I had no chance of doing a rap with Jay-Z, I had to cut it down to my top five." The brunette raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Can you tell me what they are?"

"Well, you know two of them now. I'll tell you the rest some other time, I have a feeling you're going to be right there with me."

"And your family?" asked the doctor quietly, meeting the blonde's gaze with his own cocoa one. "Don't you want to do something with them?"

"It's only my mom and sister back home. I wanted to leave that place as soon as I found out. Just to do my own thing." Kendall crossed his fingers together solemnly against each other, lowering his eyes to his open palms. "I didn't want them to suffer anymore than they already had."

"They'll never see you again?" The taller man nodded. "They shouldn't have to see me die."

"But I should?" The blonde nodded his head, reclaiming his smile once more. "You're used to it." The brunette nodded, turning his head away to the TV screen. "But not like this" he thought darkly. "Never like this."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

17th May 2012

I think I'm going to win the Nobel Prize in medicine for discovering a new level of exhaustion. After two days of watching the ups and downs of six New Yorkers with only three hours of sleep, I'm way beyond tired. And yet I can't stop smiling for some reason... Look, I know I said he was a total tool before, but there's something about him. I don't know whether I feel this guilty because he's dying or because there genuinely is something intriguing about him. Either way, I can't get him out of my head, and I can feel myself smiling like I suffer from dementia. I really am curious to see what's next on his bucket list though, but something tells me that I'll regret it… somehow. I don't know where the hell this is going, but for now, it's enough to keep me happy; and get Carlos off my back at least. I just worry that the day will come when he'll have to leave. Even if we are just friends who made out like teenagers in a café, it might still hurt too much. Speaking of friends, I just got the mother load of voicemails on my phone from Camille. I'll call back… eventually… maybe like this time next year or so.

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Number two: finally win a game of chess

"Of all the things to put on that list, you want to win a game of chess?" said the brunette laughingly, looking on at his miniature white army with a confused delight. He shook his head as he instinctively made his first move, gently pushing a pawn forward with his finger. The blonde's soft chuckle filled his ears was a heavenly melody to his ears, sending a star struck bolt of adrenaline through his body. Kendall had reluctantly given him a week off to recover from the forty-eight hour DVD marathon. He looked up to see the taller man grin at him complacently, his complexion taking on a golden tinge in the unassuming evening light. "My mom and my sister are chess geniuses at this game. I never did manage to beat them, so I figured I'd be unscrupulous and pummel a rookie."

"So it's safe to say you didn't inherit the brains in the family?" Kendall shook his head, his evergreen smile still shining across his face as he picked up his knight piece and moved it in front of his pawn. "I think I might have been adopted. I'm the reigning Uno champion in Minnesota though."

"Well, I don't mean to trouble you, but you are looking at the former three-in-a-row victor of the California High School Chess Tournament" sighed the brunette with faux conceit. "You might not finish off that list after all."

"Damn it! Really?" The blonde clicked his tongue impatiently as he watched Logan bring out his rook from its isolation in the corner of the board. "Just my luck to go and escape the chess Einsteins back home only for me to come here to find another one!"

"You know, when you put it like that, maybe it's a good thing you don't have much time left."

The brunette pondered his next move in silence, finally deciding to claim the taller man's knight with his rook. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Shoot."

"What are you going to do after you finish your bucket list? Where do you go from there?"

"To die" said the blonde, shrugging his shoulders carelessly as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. Logan returned his line of sight to the board, watching the taller man unleash his queen. "No, I mean after this, you've only got two things left to do. What happens-"

"If I finish it early? I told you, I'll die. I'm not going to drag this thing out until my last wheeze." The doctor shook his head somberly, shifting his rook forward into the vicinity of the black queen. "How can you say that so easily?"

"Because there is no other option for me. This is what my life amounted to." He smiled to himself as claimed the brunette's rook, his eyes glittering with the spoils of winning. "I've made my peace with it." He looked up at the smaller man. "What is it with you doctors and saving lives?"

"It's a calling" said Logan softly, moving his bishop across without as much as a thought. "We're supposed to do everything we can to help save our patients."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you Dr. Chess Champion, you can't save me." He pursed his lips together thoughtfully. "But I'm sick of talking about me. Tell me something about you."

"What do you want to know?"

"For starters, how did you end up so rigid and quiet? That's just not natural." Logan smiled sadly. "I grew up like that. My parents were firm believers that kids should be seen and not heard. I guess I never grew out of that."

"I'm going to risk this and say that your parents are absolute tools." Logan let out a small laugh. "Which is the reason why they only get one call a month. It doesn't matter anyway. As long as their son is living and is still a doctor, that's all they care about."

"Anyone special in your life?"

"I barely have enough time for you, where the hell am I going to go and find someone else?" The blonde threw the doctor a knowing smirk. "I don't know, a nurse told me you're dating Camille Roberts."

"I'll kill Carlos." Kendall cocked his head curiously. "Are you?"

"No. We're… it's complicated in a stupid kind of way."

"Her loss" whispered the blonde, setting his eyes on the brunette, feeling the affectionate fire quiver in his limpid irises. Logan felt his heart thud into overdrive. He reached his hand across the board and let his open palm cup the blonde's cheek. A shiver exploded into his body as he felt Kendall's lips gently drag themselves across a slip of skin, rendering him paralyzed in this one moment of instinct. "How about you cross this off your list?" he murmured, feeling the pangs of excitement leap around in his stomach. "I'll say you won if anyone asks."

"Why?" asked the taller man quietly. "What do you want to do?"

"This." Logan shoved the board onto the floor, spilling the pieces into a chaotic assembly. His body pulsed forward as his lips sparked across Kendall's mouth, forcing him to let out a low moan of pleasure. The blonde's hands travelled slowly up his side, sparking a passionate fire across body. He lifted his mouth to breath, pressing his forehead lightly against the swathe of golden skin beneath him. "Why is it that I can't get you out of my head?" he whispered softly, losing himself to the jade oceans of emotion staring back at him. Kendall blinked up vacantly. "I didn't know I was that attractive."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The taller man stroked his thumb across the doctor's lips. "It's not everyday I get to be obsessed over by a handsome doctor."

"Tell me one thing." The brunette lowered his head. "Why do you have to go away?"

"Because that's just the way it is."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

18th May 2012

It was just a kiss. God, why did I have to go and do something stupid like that? Why am I falling so hard for him? He's dead in a couple of weeks, that's the hard truth, and yet I keep trying to save him. A week ago, I was so mad at this guy, and now I'm obsessing over him. I don't know anymore…

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Number four: spend a night in Vegas

The brunette floundered pathetically on the bed, letting his eyes rove hopelessly across the fine detail of the ceiling. How Kendall was able to talk him into spending a night in Vegas of all things, but he would never know; but at this point he was powerless to stop it. Outside, the bright lights of Sin City pulsed beckoningly, but his head could not be swayed from what held it captive. Mere enthusiasm had somehow turned into a burning fanatic desire to clutch onto this passing stranger, and it infuriated him down to the deepest chasms of his soul that he didn't know why. This had gone way past sympathy, this was hard hitting emotion, swirling around inside his heart just waiting for the slightest tap to be released. "This has gone far out of control" murmured the doctor, feeling his head drown itself in pathetic runs of the blonde's face, his Labrador-like grin lighting up the darkest recesses of his mind. "He'll be gone soon, and everything will turn back to the way it was before he entered my life." He felt his heart give a painful twinge. He didn't know which was worse – that Kendall would soon be gone, or the fact that he didn't want him to leave. This was what it was truly like to love, a bittersweet pain that ran like heroin through the blood, leaving nothing left behind in its destructive wake. "I can't believed I kissed you."

"Me neither. But that doesn't mean I didn't like it." Logan lifted his head quickly to see the blonde leaning casually against the front door, his face completely expressionless. He walked over to the bed and gently placed himself beside the doctor's body, watching him through the green blaze of his irises. "But if this is too complicated for you, I get it."

"It's not that exactly" said the smaller man, propping himself up against the headboard. He shook his head away from the blonde's side, turning it instead to the steady streak of lights dancing away carelessly against the black velvet of the night. "Before I met you, my world was perfect."

"Gee, thanks." The brunette laughed softly. "Again, not in that kind of way. I just… I had everything figured out. And then you came along and flipped everything I took for granted."

"And that's bad because?" Logan slowly turned his eyes back on the blonde, feeling his heart race sickeningly in his chest. If this was surgery, he could do it with the scalpel held in his teeth for God's sakes, but laying out his feelings so openly for judgment? It was nothing short of superbly excruciating torture. "It's bad because I don't know how to go back to being the person that I was before I met you." Kendall leaned in closer, lightly brushing the brunette's fingers with his own. He tenderly ran his lips against the soft milky skin of the doctor's neck, feeling a hedonistic spark form out of nothing against the smaller man's body. "No one said you have to" he murmured, his breath clouding against the nape of the brunette's neck. Logan bit his lip anxiously. "If…" He cursed softly to correct himself. "I know I'm mad for saying this, but when you're gone, there'll be this gap in my life that I don't know how to fill."

"You'll find someone" said Kendall, wrapping his arm loosely against the doctor's waist. "I know you will."

"They won't be you. It won't be the same." The brunette's eyes met the blonde's with all the shimmering intensity it could handle, a world of swirling cocoa emotion barely contained by their owner. This was what it was like to crack, to lay down and surrender to defeat. The only way of dealing with this was going through it, no matter how hard it was… no matter how much his heart screamed out, this was his goodbye. "After tonight, there's just one thing left on your list. Then you're gone forever." He let out a small bitter breath. "This isn't fair."

"I'm sorry I can't give you more than this" whispered the taller man quietly. "If-"

"I know. But they're only 'ifs'." Logan's head gently rolled back, lightly connecting his forehead with Kendall's. "All I have with you is now. And even though its not enough, its something."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

Number five: tell someone you love them

The brunette watched the blonde stare deeply out of the window, feeling his heart explode into tiny shards that hurt whenever he drew breath. Having to sit back and watch the man who had steadily turned his life into every shade of emotion under the sun leave him forever… he might as well have eclipsed his own life as well. How could he go back to that banal existence he called a life when the enticing allure of love was just a touch away. "Love" thought the doctor despondently, never once taking his sight off of the taller man pacing towards him. "Is this what this is? Is this what so many people go mad for?" Sleep had evaded the two of them the entire night, but it was his heartbreak's cruel energy that coursed through his being now. He lost count of the hours he had just spent laying in Kendall's grip, hearing their soft breaths combine into a glorious symphony of melancholy, feeling his heart give way every time the blonde made contact with his bare skin. This wasn't fair, not after what he'd been through over these past few weeks. This couldn't end like this.

"Why didn't you?" asked the brunette quietly, cocking his head slightly at the blonde. Kendall frowned bewilderedly. "Why didn't I what?"

"Sleep with me last night." The taller man let out a weary sigh. "I wanted to."

"Then-"

"It would have made this too hard." The blonde slipped his hand into the brunette's and gave it a small squeeze. "Ever since I found out about the tumor, I've been living each day like it was my last. I've said my goodbyes to everything I knew and I was damn proud of it." He lowered his gaze to their connected fingers. "To me, it was kind of like a game; seeing whether I could keep it together when everyone else fell to pieces. You're the only one who ever made me reconsider that." Logan felt his heart begin to drum out an obstinate tattoo as he leaned forward. "Then why don't you?" he whispered, feeling his voice catch painfully in his throat. "Kendall-"

"I'm at war with myself Logan. Part of me wants to stay here, but I know that it will only make things worse if I do." The blonde smiled sadly as his hand untwined itself from the brunette's and reached over to cup his face. "Last night, just to know that you were that close to me and I couldn't do anything… it killed me."

"You can't leave like this. I swear to God, even I have to pin you down, you'll stay here."

"And that's the person I saw from behind all that fuss" murmured the blonde, losing himself in the cocoa pools in front of him. "That's why… I have to say this." The doctor held his breath solemnly in his chest, fighting off the acidic sting clouding his vision. If ever there was a moment he wanted to last forever, it was this one. The sweet pain was beyond what he could endure, and yet there was this serene bliss to it all. "This is the last thing on my list" said Kendall softly, lightly colliding his lips against the doctor's. "I don't think that there's anything on it that I've done better than this."

"Don't" whispered Logan shakily. "Don't you dare say it and then walk out of here like nothing happened."

"I love you." Logan shuddered against the taller man's body, feeling his chest tighten painfully. "Fuck you" he cried softly, resting his forehead against the blonde's shoulder. Kendall ran his hand down the brunette's back. "I love you."

"You expect me to just watch you walk away?"

"Yes." Logan pulled back his head to gaze at the burning green circles one last time, to feast upon the compassionate god in front of him once more before his heartache rocketed in marvelous crescendos. This would the hallmark he'd live his life by now, caught in some twilight between happiness and rage; and all because of some errant kiss. "I love you too."

-xoxoxoxoxo-

6th June 2012

Dear Kendall

Usually, I'd write something in this diary about how my day went or what I thought of it; but not anymore. This maybe a letter to you, but I'll keep right here in between the pages of my so called life to remind me that once upon a time I actually lived thanks to you.

In the hospital, people keep calling me an angel because I saved their lives. I didn't understand the sentiment because it was my job, it's what I'm supposed to do. The day you left me in Vegas, that's when I finally got it. You can save someone else's life, but that doesn't mean that they'll live it the way you did yours. You saved me, and for that I'm forever grateful. Looking back in this diary, I can see how blind I was – my idiot from the café turned out to be someone I'll never forget.

Everyday I keep finding little reminders of you. They're everywhere: in a child's smile, in the way a dog wags his tail… especially in that chess set you left at my place. Yes, you did win, I promise to keep that. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. There are some days when I just can't bring myself to face the world around me because I know there'll be signs of what we could have been. It wasn't fair that you came into my life for such a short time and sent my whole being spinning into this breathless infinity. That night you were going to say it, but I stopped you. If things were different, we could have created a whole new world for ourselves. It was too painful for to think of it then. It still is now: the only difference is that I'm a little wiser now.

There isn't a day that goes by without thinking of you. I hope you're up there smiling down at what a fool you've turned me into, because I can't imagine it any other way. Maybe someday it'll hurt less and I'll find someone else to love like you wanted me to; but for now this pain is enough. I miss you so much, it kills me.

I love you Kendall, I always will. You're just too incredible for me to forget… ever.

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