Some Kind of Fix
Word Count: 3,655
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Linden/Holder
Spoilers: up to 1x13, just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just break things.
Summary: He wants a fix. She's got somewhere to be. Neither of them expected this.
Author's Note: Repeating what I should have put in the first chapter to to say that I don't write sex scenes. There will be no detailed sex scenes in this story. It's not something I can write. I will imply plenty, but I don't write it.
Also, remember... Linden doesn't know that Holder used a doctored picture, and Jack's father stuck around.
Some Kind of Deal
Linden couldn't believe the thoughts running through her head. She'd been prepared to yell and scream and tell her son exactly what she thought, but she hadn't done it. She had hugged him instead, feeling foolishly grateful that this time he'd called. She wanted to shake some sense into him, so as soon as she was done hugging him, she stepped back and looked down at him.
"Why did you do this? Again?"
"I just wanted to see him. When we missed the plane, I called him to see if he was still in town."
"So you lied when you said you were going to your friend's house?"
Jack nodded unhappily. "Yes. I did. I'm sorry, Mom. I just... needed to see him. He's my dad."
"He hasn't been a part of your life, remember? He left us."
"He's trying! Let him try!"
She couldn't help but think that if Jack was busy with his father, he'd never notice that she was gone with Holder. She winced. She was not doing that again. She couldn't afford to confuse that issue any more than she already had. "You know that we are going to Sonoma."
"No, we're not. Come on, Mom. Just admit that you don't really want to go. Let us stay. I want to stay. Everything I have is here, and Dad's here. Can we at least stay until he has to go back? Please? It's not like the wedding is that close, anyway. Or you could just let me stay with Dad, couldn't you? Just for a little while? Please?"
She sighed. The last thing she wanted to think about right now was staying. Either one of them staying. She couldn't leave her son behind. He was the one thing that she couldn't leave, as she'd told Holder in the car. She could try calling Rick, see if he would be upset if she stayed a few more days, but she already knew the answer to that, didn't she?
"I checked the airline," Jack told her, and she looked at him sharply. "We already missed the two flights to Sonoma today. We'd have to pay to take a different airline, so why can't we stay?"
"They wouldn't have exchanged the ticket. We'd be paying for a new one anyway."
"Then why waste the money?"
"Jack—"
"You don't have to work. You could go if you wanted. Just let me stay."
"I can't do that."
"Yes, you can," Jack insisted, and she gave him a look. He'd better stop now. She didn't really think that his father deserved any time with him, and she didn't want to stay—damn it, every time she thought about staying, she swore she that she could feel Holder's hands on her body. She wouldn't be surprised if she was red right now. She felt warm. If she stayed, she'd fall right back into his bed, and she'd never been that easy. Not with Jack's father, not with Rick.
Maybe it was that Holder didn't want anything from her. Maybe that was liberating. Then again, she'd never really gone for casual sex, either. What the hell was this? She felt like the Larsen case had thrown her whole world off-balance.
"Let's go find your father," she said, needing to change this situation somehow. He had better say that he couldn't stay, that Jack was going to have to go with her. To Sonoma. They were moving on. That was what was happening. They were going to pick up where they were before the Larsen case came along. Things hadn't changed that much.
Only she had the unpleasant feeling that something had changed, something big, and there was no going back from it. She didn't like that feeling at all.
They opened the door, and she didn't even notice her ex as Holder walked up to them. He tossed a bag of Funyuns at Jack, who caught it and grinned. "My favorite. Thanks."
Jack's father frowned. She wasn't all that happy with Holder's choice, either. She shook her head. "Holder."
He shrugged. "What? Doesn't a condemned man deserve a last meal?"
She almost laughed, couldn't stop the smile. Jack grimaced, but then he had his bag open and was distracted by eating from it. Holder moved over to her. "So, do we need the bag or not?"
"Not," she answered, tempted to pull him close and kiss him in spite of the fact that he'd probably been eating those damn fake onions, too. "How long are you planning on being in town?"
Her ex looked at her. "Thought you were here to drag him off."
"I thought about killing him. Holder offered to help me hide the body. How long are you going to be here?"
"A few more days. Why?"
"I haven't gotten a new flight yet. Jack wants to spend time with you. I'm considering it."
"That's a surprise."
Holder smiled. "Guess you're not PMSing today, eh, Linden?"
"Shut up, Holder."
"You just say that 'cause you love me," he said, and she glared at him. He laughed and shared a look with Jack, high-fiving him. It wasn't right that he got along so well with her son. Well, no, it was good that Jack could relate to someone, but it shouldn't be Holder. It should be Rick. She was going to marry Rick, not Holder. "All right, all right. I'll go wait by the car. I'm going to start charging by the hour, though."
She almost told him to shut up again, but after what he'd said, there was no way. She ignored him and turned back to Jack and his father. "Just for the day. Overnight. I'm not sure about tomorrow."
"That's almost reasonable."
"I don't have to do this. Don't push me," she warned, turning to give her son further instructions. She couldn't believe she'd agreed to this at all, but she'd better make sure Jack knew the rules.
"Where to, now?" Holder asked as Linden walked up to the car. She frowned. It didn't look like she'd planned that far ahead, not really. She didn't have the hotel room anymore, did she? And Jack was going to stay here. Where did that leave her? It was too much to expect that she'd want to go back to his place. Holder shouldn't even bother to ask. "You know what, you should eat."
"You don't have to take care of me."
"I figure you have to be less grumpy when you eat," he told her instead. He didn't take care of anyone, didn't she know that by now? Closest he came was with her, though, he had to admit that. "I'd cook for you, but the only think I know how to cook is meth."
She rolled her eyes, taking out his keys as she went to the driver's side of the car. He turned and got in the passenger seat, throwing away his cigarette butt as he did. She pulled out of the lot almost angrily and drove like a mad woman again. Seeing the ex had clearly ticked her off again, even though her mood had been good enough to let her son stay with his father. What the hell. It wasn't like Holder really thought he'd figure out her moods. They were unpredictable. One little thing could set her off.
After a few turns that confused him and streets he didn't really recognize, she stopped the car in the lot of some old diner. He gave the place a look, and she didn't say anything as she got out of the car. He shrugged and followed her. He had said they should eat—she should eat—and if this got her eating, he wasn't going to complain. This place kind of suited her somehow. It was like another side to this strange complicated and damn prickly woman, filling her out a bit more.
"Nice décor, huh?"
"I used to come here when I ditched school," she admitted, not taking the opening he'd left her to tease him about the word 'décor.' He looked over at her, nodding. That figured. He knew she had a bit of a wild streak. She hid it now, but it was still a part of her. Kids in the system, they had these places. He might not have been completely in it, with his sister raising him, but he may as well have been. So she wasn't one of the ones that smoked on the corner. She still ran off sometimes. Everyone did. They just ran in different ways.
"Not bad. The food any good?"
"Terrible, but it's cheap."
"What, you don't think I have lots and lots of money? That I can't take you out in style?"
She rolled her eyes. "This isn't a date, Holder."
"Didn't say it was, now did I, Linden?"
It was quiet after that, nice and awkward, and he shifted around in his seat, trying to get comfortable. The waitress showing up was some kind of mercy. She took the pencil down from her ear, and he had to wonder if any of the hairspray that was holding that rat's nest up had gotten on it. Either that or grease. "What can I get for you kiddies?"
Linden smiled faintly. "Coffee."
"I want a coffee and a big, fat burger. With fries. Make that two. She's eating something whether she likes it or not," Holder told the waitress. Linden made a face. "What? Order for yourself then, you don't like what I pick."
She shook her head, not contradicting the order. Fine. If that was the way she wanted it. Not that he knew what she wanted. She wasn't making a whole lot of sense. He'd expected her to walk out of his apartment this morning, figured he'd never see her again. Instead, she stayed, at least until her son called. She hadn't dragged her son away from the ex, and that had also been a surprise for everyone, even her. He didn't think she really knew what she was doing or what she wanted. Not that he cared. She could do what she wanted.
"You let him stay."
She nodded slowly. "Not sure why."
"Maybe it's 'cause even if he was a douche to you, he might be decent to his boy," Holder suggested, and she rolled her eyes. "It could happen."
"And pigs can fly. You know Jack better than he does."
"True that. Still, what you expect? Kid hasn't seen or heard from him in a while, right? Not hard to lose track of a person if you never call," he reminded her, reaching for the sugar. He'd need it. Diner coffee was always crap. It was some kind of rule. "The kid will talk, if you let him. If you don't... Doesn't matter. The guy can get to know Jack if he tries."
She sighed. "I don't want him to know Jack."
"So you leave your kid in the cold? Even you're not that cruel, Linden."
She shook her head. "I don't—I'd rather he connected to someone I respect. Someone worth it. Someone that's not going to walk away and abandon him first chance he gets."
"Someone like Sonoma?"
The waitress brought their coffees, setting them down and moving away again. Linden took hers and absently stirred a spoon around in it. Holder added a lot of sugar to his, only stopping when she took it away from him. "Jack doesn't really get along with Rick."
"Because Rick isn't his father? The kid like any of your boyfriends?"
Linden frowned at Holder. "We're not discussing this."
"Come on, Linden. Why not talk to me? You figure things out, go to Sonoma, you never have to see this face again. You don't have to pretend or anything with me. I'm not the ex. I'm not Sonoma. I'm not your son or your caseworker. Figure out the bullshit, move past it, and get yourself to the damn plane this time."
She looked over at him. "It's not like you're all that impartial. We slept together. That blurs the lines."
"Fuck the lines, Linden. Who else have you got? You sure as hell won't be telling anyone else this shit, so why does it matter?" he demanded, leaning across the table. "You need to know what it is you really want. You want the happy family with Sonoma? Then figure this out. Is it just Sonoma that bothers your kid or is it all men who might take the spot of his father? You might want to let him figure out for himself that his father's a loser. Then maybe he'll see that these other guys are not that bad. Even Sonoma."
"It's not all men. He likes you."
"I also haven't tried to be his dad."
"So, what, we should tell him that we slept together? Then he'll hate you?"
Holder shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. It's your kid. What has he done with the other boyfriends? Or aren't there any others?"
She flipped him off, and Holder laughed. He reached into his pocket, took out the pack, and lit one up, pulling the ashtray close to him. "If you want to try that, fine. If he still likes me after that, though, you have a problem."
"He'll like you because you mean staying here."
"Maybe I have another job lined up. How the hell are you a homicide cop without thinking up devious crap like this?" Holder asked, shaking his head. He took a drag from the cigarette and let it out. "I could pull a head trip on your kid like you would not believe."
"What he won't believe is us. Together."
Holder touched her hand with one of his, the cigarette burning in the other. "Ain't like I was always a junkie, and even when I was high, I could score. I know how relationships work. I know how to fuck 'em up good, too. You're not alone in that. But if you think your son hasn't pictured it, at least once, how it would be if you were with me, then you're just fooling yourself. I used to do it all the time with every man that came into my sister's life. I've been that kid looking for a father. Been screwed over by a lot of 'em, too. That's life. It's shit, but it's life. You found a good one in Sonoma, but your kid doesn't want him. You're wondering why the hell not. You're letting yourself doubt how you feel about him because of your son, right? So get that out of the way."
"What's your plan? Prove to Jack that we make a realistic couple, then convince him you're a lousy father figure, dump me and leave?"
"You get to dump my sorry ass when it's over. Be the strong woman who don't take no shit from no one," he told her. She smiled a little. "See? I made you smile there. It's not that unbelievable that this could work, now is it?"
She looked down at the coffee and then at him. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?"
"Sex."
She blinked. "Excuse me?"
"What? You don't think that it would be convincing to have us continue what happened last night?" Holder grinned as he saw her get red. "Yeah, you do. You even want it to happen again. We were interrupted by that phone call, and we could just finish what we started this morning. Sounds good to me. I'm too much of a guy to turn down good sex."
She sat still for a moment, and he decided that this was the deal breaker for her. She wasn't willing to take it that far. "Is that all it is to you, Holder? Sex?"
He shrugged. "I don't get to do much for people. Take, take, take. That's all I did with my sister. What do you want from me, Linden? A ring? A profession of my undying love? Seems to me that crap makes you run in the other direction."
She glared at him. "Holder—"
"It is what it is, Linden. Take it or leave it."
It wasn't all that flattering—but in some ways it was—that he considered this all about sex. Flattering that he enjoyed what they had enough to want more of it, not so flattering to think that was all he wanted from her. No woman wanted to be just a warm body. Still, it was almost a relief that all he wanted was sex. He wouldn't try and keep her, wouldn't care if she broke this off and tried to fix things with Rick after they settled this thing with Jack. Maybe this was exactly what she needed.
Maybe she as just trying to fool herself. Maybe it was because she wasn't ready to go for Rick, maybe it was because she selfishly didn't want whatever this was between her and Holder to end. It wasn't really fair to him, to Jack, or to Rick.
How the hell had she managed to screw her life up this badly? She wanted to blame it on the Larsen case. That would make sense, wouldn't it? Before that case, she knew where things stood. She was moving to Sonoma with her son, and she was going to marry Rick. All of that was simple and set, and it shouldn't be in question now.
Rick had basically told her to be on the flight or not to bother. She'd planned on trying to reason with him. The case was done. The arrest was made. She could prove it was just the case. She'd be there. But she wasn't. She was back in Seattle. Jack was with his father. She was with Holder.
Linden splashed water on her face, looking up into the restroom mirror. Holder was waiting back at the table, waiting for her answer. She could walk away, could say that it would never work. She should. They should stop this, if only because she wasn't entirely sure that she and Rick were actually broken up at this point. Could she fix things? Probably. That meant that she should have ended things before doing anything with Holder, not that she'd really gone to his place intending to sleep with him. Something had been nagging at her, and she thought when she spoke to him, she'd figure out what she needed to. She didn't know what had made her grab him and kiss him, other than those words and that smug grin of his. If not for them, maybe she would have actually talked to him about the case, not ended up in his bed.
Well, fine. Whatever she decided about what she was going to do next, she could still try and figure out what was bothering her about the Larsen case. She walked back out to the table and sat down across from Holder again. He had finished his food and was already smoking another cigarette. "How many of those are you at today?"
"Forty," he answered sarcastically. She looked at him, and he shook his head. "What are you, my mother? What does it matter?"
"I thought I was supposed to be your girlfriend," she reminded him, and he made a face.
"Fine. Be like that. Nagging girlfriend. Great," he muttered. He put it out in the ashtray. "Addict, remember? Good days and bad days. I want a fix so bad I can taste it. Feels like I need one. Like if I don't have it now, I'll explode."
"None of that's real, though."
"Yeah, I know," he grumbled. He reached for the cigarettes again. She wondered if there was anything else he could do for it. Gum or something. She swore he had gone through a pack this morning, and the day wasn't even half over. She had been a smoker. She knew what that was like. Still, he was out of control today.
"Maybe you should be working. Take your mind off it. Keep yourself busy."
He nodded. "Yeah, and I would. But Oakes told me not to come in today."
She frowned. "What's going on?"
Holder sighed. "Richmond's dead. Belko shot him. Then Belko got shot. Guess there was a second gunman after all."
She winced. First Stan Larsen had gone after the teacher, now Belko had killed Richmond. Great. Still, that couldn't be all of it. No way. "Why does that mean you're off today?"
"Case you hadn't noticed, Linden, Oakes doesn't want me in his department. He thinks I can't hack it, and maybe he's right. You know they only transferred me out of narco because they can't trust me not to use again. He's looking into 'procedural abnormalities' or some shit like that."
"Why didn't he call me?"
"You're the golden child," Holder told her. "Something went wrong in that case, it's my fault, not yours. Don't sweat it. It'll blow over."
"Yeah, right. You're so relaxed about it that you need a fix."
"There are other things that distract me," he began, and she started to ask him what they were, but then she caught the look in his eye. She knew what that meant, and she was weak enough to give into it, too.