AN: Hey! I really wanted to have this one done yesterday, but between school, doctors appointments, and choir concerts, my schedule was packed. Anyway, again, I'm loving the reviews! Keep em' coming! So, here's chapter 48! Enjoy!
Chapter 48
I slowly came to, fluttering my eye lids in an attempt to de-blur the sight in front of me. I had somehow made my way from the kitchen floor to my own bed, facing the wall. By the way the room was lit, I estimated it was around 5pm, seeing as the sun was almost fully set. I starred at the various posters and news clippings I had pinned up over the past few months, recalling my 'freak out' just a few hours before. I picked at a small chip in the varnish with my nail, my neck growing stiff. I decided to turn over, and was quickly startled. I saw Spencer, he was sitting in the chair at my desk with his hands linked in front of him and chin to chest, sleeping. I let out a small yelp from the initial fright it caused me, basically because I wasn't expecting him to be there. He jerked away, nearly tipping over the black wheeled seat.
"Sorry, I-I uh, you um, yeah" I stuttered, brushing my hair out of my face. I was still a bit disoriented.
"No-no it's fine. I-I didn't mean to scare you" Spencer replied cautiously. I could feel another 'serious talk' coming on, and I was definitely not looking forward to it.
"How long have you been sitting there for?" I asked, curious as well as attempting to push off the incoming conversation.
"Two hours, thirteen minutes, and forty seven seconds" He stated, glancing at his watch.
"Where'd the team go?" I added. They had fallen whiteness to my antic, and seemed to have disappeared.
"They left a few hours ago, they wanted to let you rest" He cleared his throat. I sat up and leaned my back against my headboard, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around their tiny frame. My bones rubbed harshly against one another, but I was too preoccupied with the thoughts in my head to care about the physical nonsense.
We sat in silence, neither of us really knowing how to approach the situation. Finally, Spencer spoke up.
"I know you're not exactly keen on talking about this, but you need to tell me what happened" He said softly, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. I kept my sight directed at my blistered feet, saying nothing.
"Jenna, you show clear signs of PTSD, and if they weren't apparent before today, they definitely are now" He tacked on, keeping his tone light and his gaze just the same. I sat still, no words making it from my brain to my mouth. Spencer and I had previously had a rather disgruntled confrontation about the same matter just four months prior, and although he didn't get a full straight answer out of me, something told me he already knew what I endured. Despite that knowledge, I still did not feel comfortable discussing the events, for obvious reasons.
"Jenna just talk to me-" He began, but something inside of me snapped before he could finish.
"What do you want me to tell you, Spencer? Huh? The time I was locked in a closet for two days without food or water, how about that? Or how for my thirteenth birthday I was thrown down a flight of stairs and nearly cracked my head opened? Do you want me to admit that I was beaten and raped for four whole years, leaving me with such a plethora of external and internal scarring that I don't know any different? I might not even be able to have kids, Spencer. That's how badly I was done over" I shouted through my teeth, tears forming in my eyes and entire body shaking with anger. I don't know what came over me, all I know is that what it was, it was damn ugly.
"You wanted to know. So there, now you know" I threw my hands up and let them fall dead weight into my newly crossed legs. Spencer's expression was reflecting one of hurt, and I had realized I let my temper get the best of me. Also, I had revieled one of my deepest, darkest, and most painful memories that I vowed to keep hidden. I felt entirely exposed.
Spencer's eyes were glossed over, sucking his lips in. An instantaneous wave of fault washed over me, and I felt my face flush of all color. I cupped my hand over my mouth and took a breath.
"I'm sorry" I shot out, raising my eyebrows, causing wrinkles in my forehead. "I-I don't have a f-filter when I get upset I'm sorry-" I started rapidly, shaking my head back and forth in tiny motions.
"Jenna" Spencer cut in with a nervous laugh. "You need to stop apologizing for everything" he said. I opened my mouth to repeat the mantra again, then shutting it because that was exactly the point Spencer was trying to enforce.
"You don't need to be sorry for things you can't control, inside your head or out" He put gently. I anxiously slipped my hand up my sleeve and ran my fingers over scar tissue I had inflicted myself as a source of comfort. I thought of them as a work of art almost, a very morbid piece that is.
Spencer gulped, sitting back in his chair and a solemn screen covered his face and body.
"How do you want me to help you? D-do you want to see a therapist? I know I've said that before but it was never really discussed-" He began to ramble, but I put my hand up in protest.
"No, no therapists. I have enough trouble expressing my emotions to myself let alone a stranger that's getting paid to care about me" I said in disapproval. I had not had any experience with shrinks, but the entire idea of the process didn't sound practical to me.
"Then what do you want me to do?"He pleaded, eyes watery, shoulders slumping. His demeanor caused me further upset, which I wasn't sure was even possible at that point.
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.
"You're clearly hurting, Jenna. You're dealing with a lot more than someone of your age- well of any age really, should be. We deal with cases that show us what lies down the road for people that have been through what you have, and even thinking about any of those things happening to you scares the daylight out of me" Spencer admitted, my stomach churning with guilt. I never intended on becoming such a 'burden' so to speak, especially if it meant causing him distress.
I stayed silent, yet again.
"You know, I'm your older brother along with your legal guardian, and with the combination of those two roles I'm supposed to be guiding you, taking care of you. Right now I don't think I'm doing too great of a job" He confessed, chipping away at the worn beating mass protected by layers of muscle and bone that resided in my chest.
"What? Spencer why would you even think that?" I questioned, pinching my face in.
"Jenna, just think about what's happened since you've been here" He replied. I began to recall the past events; the nightmares, the fights, the trip to the hospital, Spencer uncovering my self-destructive behavior, and then the episode that brought us to that specific conversation. He was right, things were screwy, but they had nothing to do with his capability of watching over me.
"Spenc, none of this is your fault, you have to know that" I assured him. "You've been incredible. Opening up your entire life to me, squeezing in a stubborn, temperamental, disordered mess of a teenager into your already hectic existence. I was damaged before I could tie my own shoes, and you have nothing to do with that. Don't blame yourself for what's going on in my head" I reassured, resuming my position of the counseling aid. Somehow, every serious discussion I got myself into ended up in me playing social worker. I didn't mind, at least it took the main focus off of my own flaws. Well, sort of.
"Yeah, I guess I can't" Spencer realized. I grinned at his enormous amount of cluelessness. It was kind of cute actually, how he approached everything blindly and became incredibly frazzled, even with that brain of his.
"Now if you don't mind, I'm still rather exhausted and I'm still feeling a bit under the weather" I announced, hoping to bring the conversation to a close.
"I'm fairly tired myself, good call" Spencer replied, pushing himself out of his seat and letting out a long breathe of air. He leaned over and placed his hand gently to the back of my head, causing an initial flinch, but he dismissed it and planted a light kiss to the top of my scalp.
"Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning" He promised.
"Goodnight" I replied as he advanced closer to the door. He shut the door with caution, waiting three seconds until he retreated into his own bedroom. I went to sleep that night with an abundance of conflicting emotions, none of which I could accurately pin point.