Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns it all.

Rated M for several reasons.

Chpt 14 Picking up the Pieces

BPOV

This is a nice roof. Simple an' straightforward, if somewhat pointy at the top.

As a vampire I could stay here forever, despite said pointiness. I will add that to my list of options, one should always have a reasonably long list of options.

I know this isn't productive thinking but I can indulge myself. I've just had a nasty shock an' I think I'm allowed to feel a bit self-absorbed.

First off I've got to feel sorry for Alice. She was trying to tell me that Chelsea used her gift to bind her to Rutilio. No wonder she was so strangely reluctant to think about what happened to Edward or to let the Cullens know where she was. I know she's my former best friend but I can't decide if I want to hug her for being used so appallingly or slap her for being so pathetic. I suppose it would be hypocritical to go with the slap under the circumstances, since I'm currently draped across the apex of a roof like a vampire weathervane because I'm hiding from my own problems.

I have no regret in crushing Chelsea, neither for myself or Alice. I've killed a lot of people in battle who probably deserved to die less than she did. Wow, there's a sentence I could never have imagined saying back in my human days.

Poor Charlie would hardly recognise me an' now that I think about it I can barely recognise myself. How did I come to be laying here casually thinking about the lives I've taken?

Love, that's how.

Oh no, can't go there yet. Find something else to think about, quick.

Being a vampire is not entirely what I was expecting. Jasper did a good job of explaining it all to me an' he could never have known it would turn into such a struggle for survival. Funny now I've been more in danger of dyin' as a supposed immortal than even I ever was as a human.

Right now it's feeling like a bad choice. I know this isn't exactly unique. Relationships break down all the time, often with one person stuck, desperately wanting what they can't have. But I think I can allow myself the luxury of believing that for a vampire it's a thousand times worse. Even without the bonding of mates it's true that we feel things far more deeply than most humans. When it hurts, it really hurts. Factor in the whole mating for life thing an' you're suddenly in a very bad place. Without that you at least have a chance to move on. Eternity is a long time to be stuck loving someone who is gone, I can all too easily see how that could make you crazy. Of course I know about vampires who lose their mates but I'm pretty sure it's not common for the one you've lost to still be wandering around fit an' well. That really would be hell.

Who am I kidding, it is hell.

I wonder, if I hadn't squished Chelsea, if she would have had the compassion to sever my bond with Jasper. Wouldn't that be ironic, if I've offed the only person who would be able to give me some relief.

With shame an' guilt I admit to myself that is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. Dumped by my first love. Stalked by a freak of nature, Father killed by same. Mother estranged by nothing more exciting than time an' distance. Fighting for survival, mine an' my family's.

Abandoned by the love of my existence? Paralysing. Terrifying. The coup de grâce. The finishing blow.

The panic that thought induces is probably all that's holding the pain at bay. My whole body is suddenly rigid an' trembling.

An' then it breaks through, the thought I'm trying to suppress. What if it's true, what if he doesn't love me anymore?

I gasp sharply an' start breathing, erratically. Still shaking like a leaf.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can't live like that. Without him. He's so beautiful, god it's almost painful to think about how much. I know the contours of his body better than my own. My perfect memory stores every touch we've ever shared, every sensation he's caused in me. Every caress, sigh, murmur, smile an' laugh. Every time he's held my hand, every word he's spoken, all the emotions that make symphonies on his face. His fears, his hopes. I recall all of it. HD, digital, flawlessly stored. A blessing and a curse.

Dimly I'm aware that I'm having a panic attack but I can't stop it. My emotions are spiralling upwards, out of control, towards some unseen but looming crisis. Flipping wildly through the rolodex of memories, faster an' faster, while my freaked out mind tries to process the concept that he might no longer be mine.

The sensation builds within me like a tornado, spinning furiously an' sucking my consciousness up into a blur of fractured thoughts an' feelings. Instinctively I realise that the crisis coming is a rupture in my mind an' so I do the only thing I can think of to release the explosion inside me before it consumes me. I let it out.

It feels like I scream for an eternity but my newly cleared brain informs me that it was mere moments.

It was certainly enough to bring my companions up onto the roof.

Three sets of red eyes regard me with a mixture of worry an' fear as I lay there physically spent from the experience.

I squirm in embarrassment, unsure what to say.

Simon, bless him, seems to sense that I need to be alone again to process whatever the hell just happened an' silently he tugs Demetri an' Elise away with him.

Demetri gives me one last backward glance, face conflicted, an' then steps off the roof after the others.

Slowly I let all the air seep out of my lungs.

I feel almost calm now. Not quite if I'm honest, fear has a choke hold on me but at least I can think around it.

I don't know if my fear is real. I don't know because I didn't stop to find out. For that I am prepared to forgive myself, there was quite a lot to deal with at the time.

Was Chelsea successful? If she was, sharp stab of pain, will the effect be permanent? Demetri said her tie between some of the Guard an' Aro went when he died but that was a connection, could her death re-make something she's broken? Call me pessimistic but that doesn't seem plausible.

Looking on the bright side, if Jasper an' I have survived her attack on us isn't he going to be pissed at me anyway? Rutilio will want me dead, therefore we'll have to act against him possibly starting the war Jasper was trying to avoid.

For a moment I actually laugh. I've given him so much grief over becoming 'rulers' of the vampire world, mainly because I wanted to slink away an' live peacefully with my family an' yet it's finally dawned on me now that he's trying to create that peaceful existence the only way he can an' I've been putting the skids under it because all I want to do is rip the head off anyone who threatens him, us.

Every fibre of my being is screaming out that I run back to him. I need him. He is part of me. The ache in my heart is almost pulsating, I can feel it through the ice of fear that coats it.

Sadly I review my limited options.

I could stay here, in abject misery, until the moss that covers the roof makes itself at home on me.

I could run away, go find a nice little spinster pad with room for plenty of cats an' occasional bouts of mental weirdness.

Or I can go back, find out the truth an' then fight for the man I love.

I have to go back. Mated or not there isn't another choice, I can't walk away from what we have, had. I've fought an' killed for him, now is not the time to give up.

Does that make me a grown up or a sucker for punishment? Fucked if I know.

CPOV

J looks like he wants to lay into me for my rude greeting but he clearly thinks better of it an' darts across the room to sit behind his desk.

"Where is she?" He asks icily, a tell-tale muscle jumpin' in his cheek.

"She needed some time to think. She'll be back." I say with more confidence than I feel.

"Where. Is. She?" He asks again.

"I'm not tellin' until you tell me why you want to find her so badly."

"Char." He growls menacingly. "She is my wife."

"An' she's my sister." I snarl back, ignoring Pete's attempt to shush me. "Tonight I've seen you suckin' up the charms of Chelsea fuckin' Volturi an' cosyin' up with your ex-wife. You give me one good reason why I should tell you where your mate is."

"You will tell me." His eyes go black very slowly, like someone's squirting ink into them.

I lock my knees to stop 'em shaking. Now we're in familiar territory, I haven't seen that look on his face for a very long time.

"We're not in Maria's Army now J." My voice is surprisingly steady. My Daddy used to say I had an over developed sense of right an' wrong an' very little by way of protective coloration. "Are you gonna torture me to find out what you wanna know?"

"Char, baby . . . ." Pete's voice is filled with worry.

I daren't look at my husband. Baitin' this particular beast is a dangerous business. Instead I keep my eyes locked on J's furious ones. When they go blank an' empty, then I'll start runnin'. It's not like I've forgotten he's killed almost every vampire he's ever made.

The tense silence stretches out.

"She's safe." I say eventually, to gauge his reaction. "Simon, Elise an' Demetri are with her."

As soon as I mention his name the muscle in his cheek speeds up. So he knows. Question is, does it bother him?

Our starin' contest is interrupted by Alice.

"Jazzy, she's safe, that's all that matters surely?"

J turns to face her, his expression unchanging.

Come on, come on. I think to myself, please J, give me some sign, somethin' to hope for.

"Jasper." Carlisle coughs in his best Doctor's manner. "Perhaps Charlotte will tell me where Bella is so that I can go and check on her?"

Pete reaches forward an' gently touches the back of my arm in warning.

I wait for J to turn back to me before shaking my head forcefully.

"For the love of god." Rosalie huffs. "Can't we just let her sulk in peace for a while?"

J rises to his feet, lip curled but thankfully still with fury in his eyes.

"She's not sulkin'!" I shout, anger rising. "She's my sister an' your stupid sister brought that fuckin' viper into our home knowin' what she was plannin' on doin'!"

"Charlotte." Carlisle is working himself up to a good chastisement I can tell. "I don't think . . . ."

"ENOUGH!" J roars suddenly, rattlin' the windows an' rainin' plaster dust down from the ceiling. "I WANT MY FUCKIN' WIFE!"

Suitably cowed we freeze in place.

He eyeballs everyone in turn an' by the time he gets to me his eyes are empty voids. My brother is gone.

Leaping over the desk he backhands Pete, knockin' him into the wall an' hurls himself at me. We crash to the floor rolling into the mercifully cold fireplace.