One month had gone by, and I was starting to feel like my old self again. Sure, there were times where I still felt pain when I thought about Fenris, but he was making it easy for me to move on. He became very distant and cold, and any time I tried to show him an act of kindness, he brushed me off. We never spoke of our night together, and the only time we socialized was when I needed him to help me in dealing with the Arishok.

The Viscount grew increasingly worried about the Qunari, and many times I had to intervene on his behalf. Fenris had some experience with their kind, so I usually brought him along with me any time I had to deal with them. Isabela on the other hand, she practically ran in the opposite direction when we had to go into their compound. There was something she was hiding, and I had no idea what it was.

Since my night at Anders' clinic, he became even more attentive than he was before. He would come to my house frequently to help Mother and I with dinner. She had grown to adore him, and kept nagging me about when I would become "serious" with him. I told her we were just friends, but she knew better than that. The fact was, I had started to really fall for Anders. Thinking back to when I had first met him, I had longed to be with him because he was the only one out of my allies who really understood where I was coming from. He had lived a life as an apostate mage, and I felt that this had connected us. It was him telling me he was afraid of hurting me that had made me back off, and then Fenris came along. I pondered to myself, if Anders hadn't pushed me away, would I have even shown an interest in Fenris? It was all so confusing. My heart wanted to mend and move on, but I felt as if I needed closure from Fenris to do so. All the while, Anders never pushed, or pressured me for anything more. He knew I was getting over a broken heart, and was allowing me the time and space that I needed to heal. It was all very sweet.

One evening, Anders asked me to come to his clinic. He mentioned there was something urgent he needed to talk to me about. When I showed up, he looked terribly worried. I rushed over to him instantly.

"Is everything alright?"

"Things just keep getting worse. I had Templars practically on my doorstep the other night."

"Don't tell me these things. I might have to lock you up to keep them off you," I teased, trying to lighten his mood.

"Sweetheart, I'm not letting anyone lock me up, you included," he smiled at me. We generally had the same, laid back sense of humour which made me feel comfortable to be silly around him. His smile soon dropped, and he became serious again.

"The Knight Commander is out of control. Even her own people have been talking about it. The curfews, the midnight raids on mage's families, everyone I know forced into hiding so they won't be made tranquil." He was right. Lately there had been an increase in arrests of mages, and I had been worried myself. Knight Commander Meredith was really cracking down.

"If they want you, they'll have to come through me."

"You're at just as much risk as I am. What if your money and position isn't enough? The thought of them hurting you..." his voice broke, and I could see that he was not just worried for himself, but for me as well. "Everything I've done to control this, I don't care. I would drown us in blood to keep you safe." His eyes told me that he meant every word he was saying. I felt my heart racing. He had been so sweet and affectionate with me, but never had I heard him, or any other man convey such concern and protection over my well being. Not since my father had died.

"I don't want to see you lose yourself. To the Templars or Justice."

"I'm sorry, I can't be anyone but who I am. There will be more violence, I know that. If you tie yourself to me, I'll only hurt you." Oh please no, don't push me away again Anders. I couldn't possibly take him rejecting me a second time after what I had just been through.
"Nothing would hurt as much as loosing you."

"I have no control around you. I never thought I'd meet another mage like you...another apostate. You could have a normal life. Don't tempt me. Not unless you are ready for what that means."

"What I know is that out of everyone I know, you are the only person I feel safe with. You are the only one who understands what my life has been like. I don't want to be without you in my life, even if it means we can only be friends."

"Marian, I have tried to be just your friend. You are the most beautiful mage, no, woman I have ever met. I am just afraid that I won't be able to give you the life you deserve. I am an apostate mage who has a spirit of vengeance within my body. He has become a huge part of who I am, and sometimes, I feel like I am losing who I used to be. I am a former Grey Warden, plagued by nightmares every night. You could find a man who isn't as terribly messed up as I am. I just..." he paused for a moment, and then took my hands and held them in his. "I want you to be happy."

His hands were warm against mine, and looking into his amber eyes and seeing the look of adoration he was giving me, I suddenly felt that this was where I was supposed to be all along. This was a man who was putting my needs first. He wasn't pushing me away for his selfish reasons, but instead was thinking of the life he could offer me. I was ecstatic and terrified at the same time.

"We could make each other happy Anders. I know that having Justice inside of you is a struggle every day, but I am willing to help you work through it." He smiled and brought my hands to his lips and kissed them both tenderly.

"Just, think about it for a few days. Will you do that for me Hawke?"

"I will."

The next day I went to visit Anders at his clinic again, and he had patients lined out the door. There was some kind of nasty virus going on, and it seemed every refugee was there at once. I decided - since I had some healing powers - I would help him out. I was not nearly as skilled as he was in the arts of healing, but I knew a little. He gladly accepted my offer.

We had a young boy on the table who was on the verge of death. His mother was clutching the boy's hand, tears running down her face. He had lost all colour and was unconscious.

"Here, put your hands on his chest like this," Anders grabbed my hands and lowered them to the boy.

"Now, focus on his core. Picture in your mind you can see the virus inside of him. Close your eyes, and concentrate hard, Hawke." I stood there, Anders behind me, his hands on mine. I could feel his breath on my neck, and it became hard to concentrate, but I did as asked. I closed my eyes, and focused on my hands above the boy's torso. I thought of the virus that had been eating away at his body. Then suddenly, I could visualise it. I saw red lines coursing through his skin, the virus attacking all of his cells, and destroying his very being.

"You see it now, don't you?"

"Yes," I responded, my eyes still closed.

"Good, now use your healing. Think of counter-attacking the virus with your magic." I focused on the red lines I could see in my mind, I thought of destroying them, one by one. I could feel warmth emanating from my hands. I visualized green light entering his body and attacking the virus. I heard the boy gasp, and I opened my eyes. The boy was sitting up, and the mother started attacking his face with kisses. It had actually worked. I had done minor healing before, mostly for replenishing energy, but nothing to this extent. The mother leaped over to me and embraced me in a huge hug.

"You are wonderful, thank you so much, Serah!" I was overwhelmed by her embrace. She hugged me tight, and from behind her Anders was beaming at me. He had the biggest smile I had ever seen on him, and I smiled back. For a moment, I thought it was him who had done the healing, as his hands were over mine, but no, it was all my doing. I had never felt so accomplished in my entire life. And I owed it all to him.

The rest of the day went like this. Anders helped me hone into my healing powers, and by dusk we had gotten through all of his patients. I was beyond exhausted and I felt like I could collapse.

"Long day?" he asked as he sat beside me on the cot I was already sitting on.

"I have no idea how you do it. And you don't even charge these people for saving some of their lives."

"It's not about the money Hawke. It is for the greater good. People need to know that not every mage is out to harm them."

"I know. I just mean that most people in your position would expect something in return. You don't. You're a good man, Anders." He put his arm around my shoulder and held me close.

"Hawke, I don't want this to sound forward but, will you spend the night here with me? I need you to see something." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You want me to spend the night with you?"

"Yes, but I promise I will be the perfect gentleman. It's just important for you to understand who I am, what I go through every night. I have awful nightmares, and I want you to understand that it is a nightly occurrence. I thought you should see it firsthand before deciding if you want to be with me or not."

"Your bad dreams are not going to put me off Anders. That's just silly."

"You say that now, but could you really be with a man who wakes up screaming almost every night? Surely it would drive you crazy." He looked downwards. Obviously this was something he was very insecure about. I rubbed his back, trying to comfort him.

"The last time you slept here Hawke, I did not allow myself to fully fall asleep. That's why I sat up in that chair. I did not wish to frighten you."

"It's alright Anders. I will stay the whole night."

"You will?"

"I promise." I laid down on the cot and motioned with a finger for him to lie with me. He lay down on his side and pulled me into his embrace. Despite having worked hard all day long, he still smelled sweet of sandalwood. I nuzzled into his chest and listened to his heartbeat. His arms were strong, and I felt at peace. I looked up at him, and his brow furrowed. He was clearly still uncomfortable. I reached up and stroked his cheek.

"Anders, I will not judge you, and I will not run away because of your nightmares. Please close your eyes and get some sleep. It has been a long day for us both." He sighed out loud and closed his eyes.

"Anything for you." Soon after that we were both fast asleep.

I awoke to being nudged in the ribs hard. I looked at my side and saw Anders thrashing around, kicking and moaning. He was sweating profusely. He was clearly in distress from a nightmare. I reached down to shake him gently.

"Anders, it's okay." He violently grabbed my wrist, his eyes glowing blue. It was as if Justice was taking over.

"No!" he yelled, but his voice was not as demonic as it had been when Justice had taken over. It was as if it was a mixture of the two. I snapped my hand away and started shaking him by the shoulders.

"Anders, it's me!" Slowly his eyes returned to their normal and he seemed confused.

"Hawke? I...oh no. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I'm here for you." He sat up and buried his head in his hands.

"I didn't want you to see me like this. I mean, I did, for your own good, but I can't help but feel embarrassed."

I grabbed him and held him in my arms. I wiped the sweat off his forehead with my hand.

"You are awfully warm Anders. Why don't you remove your shirt?" He narrowed his eyes at me and gave me a sly smile.

"Why Hawke, you aren't trying to seduce me, are you?" I laughed, and he did too. It was nice to hear him joyous after what had just happened. He lifted his shirt over his head to reveal his large arms and chest. I couldn't help but stare. He looked good. Really good.

"Enjoying the view?" he teased me.

"Possibly." I blushed and he pulled me into his arms once more.

"Get some more rest sweetheart, I will try not to wake you again." I lay in his arms, and drifted back to sleep.

There was a banging at the door to his clinic as I opened my eyes. I heard Anders grumbling beside me.

"Oh, why must they come so early?" He whined. I smiled and pat his head.

"It's okay, I will tell them to come back later. I got up and walked over the door. I turned back and smiled at Anders as I pulled the door open. Still grinning I turned around and right in my face was Fenris, inches away from me, standing next to Aveline. My smile immediately dropped.

"Hawke, I've been looking everywhere for you. The Viscount says he needs you to speak with the Arishok immediately. I grabbed Fenris and went to your house but you weren't there. I figured perhaps Anders might know your whereabouts."

"And clearly he does." mumbled Fenris, peering into the doorway to see Anders half naked on the cot. Anders was aware of this and quickly put his shirt back on. My cheeks burned up. This did not look good at all.

"I'll head there right away. Thanks for coming to find me Aveline." I said as I marched right past the both of them, deliberately ignoring Fenris. I could feel Fenris' eyes glaring into the back of my head without actually looking at him. He had such anger in his eyes when he saw me there with Anders. To hell with him, he had his chance and tossed me to the side as if I were disposable. This was going to be a long day. I just knew it.

Authors notes: Thank you to everyone who sent kind words my way after my last post, I appreciate it more than you know :-) I now have a beta - Shinkshinkshink check out her story Beauty and the Berserker. It is a fantastic read, had me in tears many times.