An uncomfortable "family meeting" between Anders, Fenris, and I made my head spin. We were discussing arrangements for after the baby was born, if Fenris proved to be the biological father. Living arrangements and custody disagreements were being thrown back and forth, and I mainly played referee. Anders wanted the child to remain solely in our care, whereas Fenris of course, wanted days alone with the child, as he had every right to.
"You don't even have your own place! You are squatting in a borrowed mansion. Not to mention that you wouldn't even know how to childproof it. There are broken glasses everywhere, and you never take care of it. And what if that Danarius of yours returns looking for you? Do you really see it best to have an infant in your care?"
"This shouldn't even concern you, mage. If Hawke's offspring is mine, then you should have no say in this matter. You will simply be a roommate!"
"How dare you? You can't even begin to imagine how much I already love this child. I ought to-"
"Enough!" I interrupted them. "Anders, I will help Fenris make his mansion a safe place, if it concerns you so much."
"Yes, that will make everything so much better." he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. It was only a few days after he found out about my dreams of Fenris, and was clearly still very insecure about it. I shot him a pleading look, not wanting to get into it in front of Fenris, and Anders sighed out.
"Fine." he mumbled. Given the circumstances that occurred a few nights prior, I completely understood why he felt so protective over me. I couldn't begin to imagine how hurt I would feel if I heard him moaning another woman's name in his sleep. He had not mentioned it since it happened, but every now and then I would see sadness in his eyes, and realise he was thinking about it again. I felt terrible, but there was little I could do about it. He would just have to trust me.
Later that evening I went to Fenris' mansion to help with said task. Anders mentioned that he would be at his clinic late that night so I took this opportunity to help Fenris out. I told Bodahn where I would be, should Anders get home and worry before we were done.
Fenris and I scoped his whole place out, and I remembered just why Anders had shown concern. Empty bottles of wine lay shattered across most floors, cobwebs everywhere, and his place was completely disheveled from top to bottom. Oh what fun this will be, I thought to myself.
We spend a good few hours picking up and sweeping shards of glass off the floor and cleaning the bottom level. By the time we reached upstairs, I was exhausted. We went to one of his sitting rooms to work there, and I sprawled out across the couch.
"This baby will be the death of me." I said as I plopped myself down. "You'd better keep this place clean after all the hard work I just put into it!"
"It seems you are lacking the stamina you once had." he gently teased. Oh I have plenty stamina elsewhere, I felt like joking, but it was too inappropriate, I concluded. Fenris sat on a chair across from me, intently looking at my belly.
"Hawke, I want you to know, that I do not approve of this...arrangement."
"You mean of Anders?" He sighed out, brushing a hand through his white hair.
"The thought of him being the one taking care of my child is most unsettling. I do not think you realize how upsetting this is for me." I sat up, making eye contact with him.
"I know, but what would you have me do Fenris? Anders is living with me now."
"I know this, and although it displeases me, I have accepted it. But this child, if it belongs to me, I'm not sure I can trust him as you do." His hands were growing restless and he was fidgeting in his seat. I could tell this was a very uncomfortable topic for him.
"Do you trust me?"
"What?"
"Do you trust me?"
"I...yes, of course I do, Hawke."
"Then please, trust this decision I've made. This child is mine. I would not let any harm come to it, you should know that. I am its mother, and if I am able to trust Anders, you needn't worry about its safety. Plus, you know how busy Anders is. He won't be around mostly until night time." I thought hard about what I just said for a moment. "If you would like, you could have the daytime with the baby - when you aren't busy, that is - and at night, I will be there when Anders comes home. There will be no reason for you to worry." I said, and reached out and gently touched his arm. His eyes moved to my fingers, and his expression softened.
"If that is what you wish, then I will abide by your demands."
"It's not a demand Fenris, I'm just trying to make everyone happy. You have no idea how exhausting this all is. No matter what I do, no matter what I suggest, someone is left grumbling."
"I did not mean to cause you stress."
"I know. And I am doing my very best to make sure things are fair to you. When I found out about this baby, I was terrified that you would flee."
"What makes you think I would abandon my own?"
"Well, you abandoned me." I said, staring at my belly while I rubbed it. Little Hawke was moving around like crazy as we spoke. Fenris knelt down in front of me, and placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up at him.
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you, and I would never leave my own blood."
"And if it's not yours, what then?" His eyes closed. He thought for a moment, before looking at me again.
"Then things will return to the way they were before. I will not leave your side. I owe you for helping me with Hadriana. Wherever you go, Hawke, I will follow." He trailed his hand from my face and gently rubbed my stomach, feeling Little Hawke moving about. A smile crept across his face as he moved his skin across mine. He pulled away and stood.
"I should get back to preparing this room. You look spent. Rest awhile." He moved away from me and started placing objects back in their respective place. I lay back down, watching him from across the room. I had no energy left in me to walk home, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
Images of Fenris scattered into my mind as I slept. I recalled the first time I met him, seeing him stand on those steps in the alienage. I heard him curse all mages and their kind, after watching his fist plummet into Hadriana. Then, we were making love again. It all played throughout my mind, every kiss and moan of ecstasy replayed. His skin against mine, his lips caressing me, him and I joining as one. It felt surreal. "Fenris, I need you." I whispered into his ear.
Then, there I stood before him, pregnant and naked. His eyes intently on mine, he came forward and pulled me into his arms. "Hawke, the baby..."
"What about the baby?" I asked him.
"Danger." he whispered. He started to disappear before me, and I tried to run after him. "Fenris?" I called out, but then I felt myself falling.
And fall I did, right off of his couch and onto his floor. Fenris rushed over to my side as I slowly opened my eyes and he helped me up.
"Easy now." he said as he pulled me back onto the couch. "Did you injure yourself?" I rubbed my back which was now a little sore.
"I'm alright."
"And the baby"
"Still moving around." Fenris sighed with relief, and then moved back over to the shelf he was working on. I watched him organize the area, and every now and then, he would turn over his shoulder and smile smugly in my direction. The third time I caught him doing it, my curiosity got the best of me.
"Whatever are you grinning about?"
"I do not recall you talking in your sleep that night I spent at your mansion."
"It's a new quirk I've attained from this pregnancy." I nervously joked. "What did I say?" I thought back to my dream. Fenris had a devilish smile plastered on his face.
"That you need me." He said in a low voice, and I felt my face turn red. "You also sounded the way you did that night we were together." I couldn't look at him. This was the last time I would allow myself to fall asleep in front of him while I was pregnant, I scolded myself. I buried my head in my hands and he laughed.
"I'm sorry." I sheepishly said.
"I'm not. I quite enjoyed watching you squirm on my couch. That is, until you fell off of it." He laughed. His laughter was cut off by the sound of his front door slamming shut.
"Hawke?" I heard Anders call out. His footsteps neared as I heard him running up the stairs.
"I'm in here, Anders." I called out to him. He came into the room, worry plastered all over his face. I was still lying on the couch when he entered. He glared over to Fenris whose attention was once again on the shelf he was organizing.
"Do you have any idea how late it is?"
"I'm sorry. I was tired."
"And you didn't think to walk her home?" he questioned Fenris.
"I was busy, and she was already falling asleep." he said coldly, still focusing on his task. Anders shook his head and leaned over. He scooped me up into his arms and began to carry me down the stairs. I looked towards Fenris but he did not look my way. I noticed his hands were clenched and his eyes cast down.
Once we left the mansion, Anders, still carrying me, whispered into my ear "I do wish you would not sleep over there. I know how you get in your sleep, and it should be me you wake up to that will satisfy your urges." These words toyed with my loins as I instantly began to ache for him.
I leaned my head towards his ear and quietly said "Well then, I will have to make it up to you." Anders steps quickened as he tried to hurry home. I burst out laughing, and began to whisper seductive suggestions into his ear and sucked on his earlobe. Once we were home he could not get me undressed fast enough. And this time, he was not so scared that he would hurt me. He pulled me into his lap and laid back as I mounted him. As I began to sway my hips into him I leaned down and whispered "I love you."
Another vivid dream swept over me as I slept. Again I was naked, standing before Fenris, who was also without clothes. His hands glided over my shoulders and down my arms as I felt another set of arms wrap around my waist. I turned my head over my shoulder and there was Anders who claimed my lips in a kiss. He too was naked and his hands began to roam my body. He kissed my shoulders and Fenris sucked on my lips. Suddenly, they both pulled away and stood in front of me, their eyes full of fear.
"Trouble." Fenris said.
"You must run." Anders spoke.
"Why? What's going on?" The both of them placed their hands on my pregnant belly, and began to fade from my sight.
"Where are you going?" I called out after them. Before me, they slowly turned towards each other and their bodies morphed together as one. I could not distinguish any features. Whatever stood in front of me was dark, a shadow with a hood pulled over its face. A dark hand reached out and glowed the way Fenris' did right before he killed an enemy. "No!" I screamed as this figure reached down and impaled its hand through my stomach, into Little Hawke. I looked down, and I was bleeding everywhere. I fell to my knees and began to cry. The dark figure stood over me and chanted "Gone."
I woke up panting and drenched in sweat. I looked down and felt my stomach. Little Hawke was fine. Anders turned over to me, waking up from my movement.
"Love?" he asked,
"I'm...I'm alright. I just had a nightmare." He turned over and wrapped his arms around me.
"Sweetheart, your pulse is racing. Lay back, it's alright." I lay back down and shut my eyes again. That was the second dream that night where it felt like I was being warned of something. It was just a dream, I kept telling myself, but it felt so real. I leaned into Anders and he stroked my hair. Being near him relaxed me, and slowly, I was able to fall back asleep.
I awoke in the morning with Anders. We got ready together and headed down the stairs. He was heading to the clinic and I was going to visit with Isabela. I passed Sandal and Bodahn on the way out.
"Good morning Master Anders and Mistress Hawke. You just missed your Mother. She left not twenty minutes ago."
"That's alright Bodahn, Anders and I were just leaving. I will see her when I return."
"Very well." he said.
If only we weren't in such a rush to get out the door, maybe we would have noticed the white lilies sitting on the table.