My body was frozen. It felt as if I had been paralyzed but could feel and hear everything. Fenris' body shook violently as he held me while Anders' hands waved back and forth. I could feel heat radiating from him as he tried to save the baby and I.
"There's so much blood!" his voice was panicked.
"There must be something you can do!" Fenris was pleading with him.
"The only thing I can think of is not pleasant and I...I don't think I can do it."
"You're running out of options, Blondie." Varric said frantically.
"In order for me to try to save the baby, I would need to cut her open but I don't know if it will even work. The baby might already be too far gone. It is too young to tell if it could even live outside her body, healthy or not." His voice was shaking and as I heard the words I wished I could tell him to be brave, that I would be alright. I just wanted my baby to live. "And not only that, but she will be able to feel everything." Fear surged through me, but he needed to do this. I tried so hard to open my eyes, to yell at him to hurry up, but try as I did, nothing worked.
"Hawke would want you to at least try." I heard Fenris answer for me. The room was quiet for a few moments which felt like an eternity, then finally Anders spoke.
"Hold her down. I need her still, and the pain will be great."
I felt Fenris pull me into his arms and hold me tight as Varric held my legs down. I was terrified. My heart felt as if it was going to explode from my chest, it was beating so rapidly. My robes were lifted up and my undergarments pulled down. Modesty did not exist in this moment, as fear consumed every thought in my head. I felt a cold blade graze my pelvis.
"Forgive me, love," Anders whispered, and then came the pain. The blade sliced through my skin in a quick movement. Pain scorched throughout every nerve in my body and I jolted forward, screaming in agony.
"Hold her down!" Anders yelled, and Fenris gripped onto me tightly. He was holding me to his chest, his arms across mine in a tight embrace as Varric straddled my legs with his body. I started wailing as I felt Anders make a second incision into my uterus.
"Oh Maker, it hurts!"
"It's okay, I'm here. It will all be over soon." Fenris whispered into my ear. I screamed at the top of my lungs once more before passing out. I felt nothing after that, and was pulled into a dream.
The grass was a bright jade and the sun was beaming over head. I was back on my farm in Ferelden, running through a field. I turned a corner to look behind a tree. What was I searching for?
"Come find me, Mommy!" I heard a little voice call to me. I smiled, and understood I was playing a game of hide-n-seek with my child. I turned around, trying to find where Little Hawke went off to. There was a rustling in a bush across from me and I smiled as I slowly approached it. Giggling came from the bush and it shaked with movement. I slowly reached a hand around the branches and as I parted them I yelled "Gotcha!"
Little Hawke was not there, but instead lay a pool of blood and innards. No, this can't be, I thought to myself. I whipped around and the lush green grass started to dissipate and crumble into ashes. The color around me turned into a gloomy grey color. A butterfly on a tree nearby turned into a spider as all the leaves fell off the tree and it crumbled into nothingness.
"Where are you?!" I yelled out, but I received no answer. I fell to my knees and began to weep.
When I opened my eyes it was dark. I glanced around and realised I was in my room. I tried to sit up, and winced in pain. Anders was sitting in a chair across the room and when he noticed he quickly came to my side.
"Shh, lay still."
"A...Anders?"
"Yes, love. I am here." He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing every knuckle tenderly.
"How long was I out for?"
"Two nights."
"My...my mother?" He bowed his head.
"So it wasn't a nightmare then."
"No, it wasn't. I am so sorry." he looked up at me and stroked my face slowly. "You were lucky to have her as long as you did. When the pain fades, that's what will matter."
"I didn't try hard enough to save her. If I had paid more attention, I would have seen those flowers. I would have been able to save her in time." Guilt and sorrow consumed me. A tear rolled down my cheek and Anders wiped it away with his thumb.
"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I'm here for you, whatever you need." I tried to sit up, and pain shot through me once more. My memories flooded through me in that instant, and I remembered everything. The blood, the excruciating pain, what had happened?
"Anders, the baby?" I asked, panicking.
His eyes glued to the floor, he spoke just above a whisper. "We lost it. I'm so sorry."
"No.." It couldn't be true. I put a hand to my abdomen, and what had once been a hard bump was loose, stretched out skin. Little Hawke was no longer inside of me. I began to shake uncontrollably.
"What happened, Anders? Please, I need to know."
"I had to cut you open to try to save him, but he was already gone." his voice was shaky, as he held back tears that threatened to escape from his eyes.
"Him?"
"Yes, it was a boy."
"Could you tell if...I mean...was he?" Anders knew what I was trying to ask, without me having to elaborate any further.
"No, his facial features weren't distinct enough to tell if he was elven or not. I'm sorry love, we will never know."
"What did you do with...him?" Anders sighed out deeply, and caressed my face.
"Fenris and I...we both thought it best you not see him the way he was. It's been a few days, and he would have started to decompose. So we...I...turned him to ashes. He's over there in that urn." He pointed across to the desk, and sure enough there was an urn sitting there. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing it sitting there made it real. I saw in my mind both Anders and Fenris lifting my deceased child, and somehow coming to this agreement. The vision was haunting, and I couldn't bear to think of it.
"No!" I yelled, and despite my pain I jumped out of bed and knelt down in front of the urn that held my baby, Little Hawke, Little Malcolm. I bowed my head and the tears fell down my face. Anders rushed over to me and took me in his lap. Tears fell from his eyes onto my face, mixing in with my own.
"I'm so so sorry I couldn't save them for you, sweetheart." By "them", he meant my mother as well. Not only did I have to overcome the pain of losing the only parent I had left, I had to deal with losing my unborn child whom I'd grown to love. The way my mother died was so gruesome on its own, I had no idea how I would ever get the picture of her face sewn onto that body out of my mind.
Anders rocked me back and forth, whispering words of love into my ears. We must have sat on that floor for hours, holding each other and crying. Finally he got up, helping me to my feet. I winced in pain.
"You should have a bath, it will help you feel better." I sighed out, remembering when Mother said the exact same thing when I was heartbroken over Fenris. It seemed so menial now, that I would have felt so horribly over a man. This was real pain, real loss. I felt completely broken and didn't know how I would ever feel joy again.
Anders drew me a bath and lead me over to the basin. He helped me disrobe and that's when I saw the deep scars above my pelvic bone. Anders had been able to heal the cuts, but the pain was still there. My stomach was loose and ugly, and I covered it with my hands, ashamed.
"It's okay, love. Your body will return to normal soon enough." He said and lifted me into his arms and placed me into the tub. Anders sat on a stool beside the basin, as he grabbed a cloth and started washing my body. I held my knees to my chest as he poured water over my head and back. I felt completely numb to everything around me. I closed my eyes and envisioned my mother's smile, her laughter. I could still hear her dying words echoing through my mind. She told me she was proud of me. I failed her, and yet she was proud. Anders poured some cleansing lotions into his hands and rubbed them throughout my hair and all over my beaten body, his touch ever so gentle. He once again poured water over me, as if to clean away all the pain that covered my whole body.
"The water's getting cold, love. You should get out now." Was it? I hadn't noticed. I stayed silent, as he grabbed a drying cloth and lifted me into his arms once again. He sat me on my bed as he dried off my body and hair, paying great attention as to not hurt me. When he was done drying me, he grabbed one of my night robes and wrapped it around my body. I sat at the edge of my bed, staring blankly ahead. I felt him sit behind me, and begin to brush my hair gently. He leaned forward and planted small kisses along my jaw as he gently combed the brush throughout my dark strands. When he placed the brush down, his hands found mine as he placed a small vial in my palm.
"It's a sleeping potion. You should take it. It will help you rest." I unscrewed the top and swallowed, wanting to be able to sleep so I could forget the pain, even for just a moment. Anders pulled me into his arms and held me.
"I love you, Marian."
That was the last thing I heard before the potion took effect, and I fell asleep.
I was dreaming, and once again I was on my old farm in Ferelden. White flowers bloomed in the trees and in a distance I saw little Malcolm on a wooden swing, turned from me. He was giggling and singing a silly song. I approached and his swinging stopped. He grew quiet. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he turned around. I was met with mossy green eyes. He smiled and wrapped his arms around my neck. I kissed his pointy ears and whispered "You look just like your father. I love you and will miss you, my boy."
Authors notes: Phew, that was SO hard to write. I knew what I wanted to happen in this chapter, but to actually write it was very emotionally draining for me. I based the dream sequence off a music video. If you want to see it, go to YT and type The Howling - Within Temptation. There are 2 versions of this video, so if you are watching some kind of video game video, you are watching the wrong one :P Please let me know how you felt about this chapter :-) It is the one I put the most effort into so far.