"Come on, love. It's time to get ready." Anders nudged me. It had been two days since my meltdown, and I still hadn't left my room. My mother's memorial service was on this day, and I had been dreading it. Anders was already fully dressed in fancy black and red attire with some gold trim. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. I walked over to my dresser and stared blankly at the clothes before me. What was I supposed to wear? Everything seemed unfit. I finally decided on a long black flowing skirt with a white silk top that had black sleeves. I never wore it before, but Mother had adored it. In fact, she was the one who bought it for me.

Orana was in the kitchen cooking when I entered the room. She looked up at me with sad eyes. I had not seen her since the incident.

"I'm sorry about your mama. I'm going to miss her." she said meekly.

"I am too."

"I hope you don't mind, Mistress, but I'm going to be making a recipe that she taught me, for your guests." I nodded at her in approval. After the service, it was customary to have the attendees over to "celebrate" the life of the deceased. I did not want people in my home, I just wanted to hide away in my room and be alone. But this was for Mother, who I loved very dearly. I needed to be strong.

Bodahn came to my side. "Mistress, your carriage has arrived. I'm sorry that I cannot attend, but Orana needs my assistance in preparing for your guests this afternoon." I nodded yet again, and Anders took my hand and lead me outside. I climbed into the seat and stared at my feet the entire way there. Anders held my hand. He had no more words left to say to comfort me, he was still grieving over the loss of the baby. He was strong for me the first few days, but now he was wrapped up in his own despair.

The carriage slowly pulled into the Wounded Coast. Aveline and her men had spent a few hours prior clearing the area out of any ruffians that lingered. When the carriage stopped at our designated spot, I climbed out and made my way to the pyre where my mother's remains were. They had been placed over a bundle of wood and remained covered, due to her extreme mutilation. The sight alone brought a lump to my throat, but I swallowed it down. Carver, Gamlen, and Sebastian were already there, waiting for me. Sebastian offered to lead the service, being a brother of the Chantry.

Carver found me and embraced me in a hug. That did me in; tears began to fall down my cheeks. He held me tight as I sobbed into him.

"Oh Carver, I'm going to miss her."

"Me too, sister." He pulled away and stared at me with swollen eyes. He was too proud to cry, but I could tell from his face that he shed a few tears earlier in private.

"I heard about your baby. I...I don't know what to say."

"It's alright. You needn't say anything." He slowly pulled away from me, and nodded.

Gamlen wiped his watering eyes. "I still can't believe she's gone. Poor Leandra. May that bastard who did this rot in the Void."

One by one, guests arrived. Aveline, Donnic, and a few of her guardsmen had the area blocked off. Isabela, Varric, and Merrill all came together. Isabela wasn't scantily clad for once, she wore a rather nice black dress that went just above her knees and covered her cleavage. It might not have meant much to casual lookers, but to me, it proved that she showed a great deal of respect for me. This was Isabela, afterall.

When Fenris arrived, he was dressed in a lavish black overcoat, with a white collared shirt sticking out from underneath.I had never seen him wear anything other than his armor and everyday casual wear. He walked over to our now large group of nobles and family friends, head turned down.

Sebastian started the service, as it seemed all the guests had arrived. Carver, Gamlen, and I stood in front, and I clutched onto my brother.

"From these emerald waters doth life begin anew. Come to me, child, and I shall embrace you. In my arms lies Eternity. Thank you all for coming. It is with great sorrow, we gather here to put Leandra Amell to her final resting place. I did not know Leandra well, but from what I have heard, she was a kind and giving woman. And to have raised these two noble children speaks volumes to the kind of person she was."

Carver tensed beside me as Sebastian spoke of us. I could feel the tears threaten to escape but I willed them away. Gamlen however, turned into a complete wreck. Carver went up to speak. He pulled away from me to face the crowd that were gathered around us. Anders replaced him, putting an arm around me and holding me close.

"My mother was a simple woman. She did not expect much in life. As many of you know, she grew up a noble here in Kirkwall. She chose to run away with my father, who did not have a fortune or riches to offer. She chose love over valuables, and she raised us to follow our hearts and supported us, no matter what decisions we wanted to make in life. That was the kind of person my mother was. So many people live their whole lives trying to attain riches and fancy titles. My mother could have had all that, but instead she chose love, family. And for that, I am forever grateful. I would not be here today if it wasn't for her huge heart." He knelt down and whispered something close to the body and walked back over to us. They were about to start the cast off.

"Wait. I have something I would like to say." I moved forward and pulled out a crumpled up paper from my pouch. The prior night I had been restless. I stayed up all night reading the book of poems Fenris gave to me for my birthday. One stuck out to me, and I put it aside in case I gathered up the courage to speak out. I cleared my throat as I looked out at the faces of everyone who stood around me.

"I didn't prepare a speech about my mother, but I would like to read a poem I found last night." I inhaled deeply, looking down at the paper I held in my hands.

"Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following paths the Maker made for me
I took his hand, I heard him call
Then turned, and bid farewell to all
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to sing, to play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found my peace... at close of play
And if my parting left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened... deep with sorrow
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow
My life's been full I've savoured much
Good friends, good times
A loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with grief
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
The Maker wants me now... He set me free."

I crouched down to where my mother laid, and whispered "Goodbye Mother. I'll miss you. I hope I continue to make you proud." I came back to Anders who leaned over and gently said in my ear "I'm glad you spoke out. She would be happy to see you now."

Carver and a few of his Templar friends began to rub sticks together quickly to set the pyre aflame. This was one of those circumstances where we had to keep our magic at bay and just wait. Finally, the sticks lit up and they lit the pyre. I joined Carver and Gamlen, and we pushed the pyre forward into the sea. As we watched it drift away, I thought of the poem. The words struck deep within me. Not only did they remind me of my mother, but of the baby as well. And Bethany. And my father. I had lost so many close to me over the years, and this was closure for new and old wounds alike. Another tear fell down my face as she slowly drifted away from me, away from Kirkwall.

The mansion bustled with noise. Orana was serving food to everyone that had shown up. I didn't know half of the people in my own home, and I felt as if my privacy were stripped away from me. Throughout the day, friends came over to offer their condolences to me. Aveline told me stories of her father who had passed on, while Varric and Isabela kept trying to pass glasses of wine into my hand. I refused them. I knew getting intoxicated right now would lead to more tears, and I did not want to be seen crying in front of so many people I did not know.

The noise was getting to my head so I took a seat in the upper level of my library. Anders sat with me, rubbing my back. His hands grazed my back and I just wanted to fall asleep right there.

"Mistress?" I heard Orana call out to me.

"Yes, Orana?" Anders answered.

"Oh, Master Anders. We seem to have run out of wine."

"There's more in the wine cellar." I spoke softly to Anders.

"I will assist her in finding some." He leaned over and planted a chaste kiss on my cheek, before leaving me to my thoughts.

I sat still, twirling a piece of my hair in my fingers. There was this ache in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't let me be, not even for a moment. I touched my stomach, as if to remind myself that I wasn't dreaming. It was empty, no child inside. Just pain and broken dreams soon to be thrown away. I would still have to return all of the baby clothes I had bought. It crushed me to think of it, but having them here would be a constant reminder of what I had lost. Just looking at that urn across from my bed every waking moment was torture. I needed to put it somewhere else, it hurt too much.

I heard quiet footsteps coming up the stairs, interrupting my thoughts. I looked up expecting to see Anders, but Fenris stood before me. I hadn't spoke with since that fateful night, and my heart jumped in panic upon seeing his face.

"Are you alright?" He asked me.

"No, are you?"

"I have been managing." He sat down in the seat across from me, his eyes never leaving my face.

"I'm sorry, Fenris."

"What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"For making you go through this. If I had been more careful, you would have never been brought into this big mess."

"Don't talk like that again, Hawke. I have no regrets, and neither should you. You did everything you could."

"No I didn't. I should have listened to you and Anders when you told me to stay behind. The baby would still be here if it wasn't for me." I choked out, swallowing a lump in my throat.

"And if you had, now you would be blaming yourself for your mother's death. No matter what decision you made, you would be remorseful."

"And how do you feel in all this?" He finally looked away from me, and looked painfully at his hands."

"It feels as if everything I had ever hoped for these past few months has been ripped away from me. I don't even know if he was mine, but...I..." He stopped for a moment, looking as if he were debating on continuing.

"You what?"

"I would lay awake every night pretending that he was. Just wishing for this one thing, that I could truly call my own. Nothing in this world has ever rightfully belonged to me. I was a slave most of my life, and after that, I was on the run. I never stayed anywhere long, until I met you. And even now, nothing really belongs to me. The house I stay in is simply borrowed. I so desperately needed this one thing, this child, to belong to me, to us. I needed it, and now...it's as if I don't even belong here."

"I may not have been a slave, but I understand the emptiness that you feel. Everything feels so wrong. Malcolm...the baby... is just left in a fancy vase in my room. There was no such service for him. I know he wasn't even brought into the world yet, but to me, he was alive, I loved him so much. And now... he's just ashes."

"Why not have a service for him?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Fenris. No one has a funeral for an unborn child."

"I didn't mean one like today. Just something private. For you, me...and...Anders." He said the last part quietly, as if Anders' name was something sacrilegious. It was the very first time I had heard Fenris speak his name at all.

"I think that's a wonderful idea." I turned as Anders was coming up the stairs. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." Fenris nodded in his direction and Anders crouched down in front of me.

"Fenris is right. Having our own service for Malcolm will help us all accept our loss and deal with the pain head on. Didn't it feel nice to read that poem earlier?"

"It did." And he was right. After I read the words aloud, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to vocalise how I felt, even if the words had not been my own.

"When should we do this?"

"How about in a few hours, after the guests leave? No point in delaying it, now that we are all here." Anders suggested.

"We could scatter his ashes in the garden out back. That way he will still be with us." I offered. Anders turned around and faced Fenris who had been quiet.

"I have no objections."

The guests left just before dusk. My friends offered to stay back and help clean, but I assured them that Orana, Bodahn, and Sandal were being paid for a reason. I really just wanted everyone gone so the three of us could say our goodbyes to Malcolm. Once we were left alone, Anders took the urn from my room and I grabbed and lit a single candle. Fenris was waiting for us in the garden. The sky was a dusky gray and clouds were looming above, threatening to downpour on us. The wind blew throughout my hair and felt cold on my skin. I took a spot beside Fenris, with Anders on the other side of me. We stared at the flowerbed in front of us.

"Is this an adequate spot?" Fenris asked.

"It will do." I spoke quietly. "So, what now?"

"You should say a few words." Anders said.

"I don't know what to say."

"Tell him what you're feeling in your heart."

I breathed out deeply, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. I placed the candle down in front of me, it had blown out from the wind anyways. I took the urn from Anders, and looked down into it.

"Malcolm, it's your mother. You weren't with me for long, but from the moment I found out about you, I knew I loved you. I will never get to see you smile, hear you laugh, kiss away your tears, or hear your little voice. But I.." Rain started to pour on us, and now I let the tears fall freely with it. "I will love you desperately and hopelessly until the day I die. Goodbye my sweet, precious boy." I sobbed as my body trembled. It felt as if my whole world were devoid of colour, which suited the gloomy skies above us, the rain matching my tears. Anders reached over from beside me, and now it was his turn to hold the urn and say his goodbyes.

"Feeling you kick for that first time was the happiest moment of my life. I saw your whole future planned out - your mother and I growing old together with you by our side. I would have taught you about all about giving back to this world, raising you to live up to your namesake. Your grandfather Malcolm Hawke was a wonderful man from what I've been told, but what am I saying? You're with him and your grandmother now. I'm sure you know that. Just know that I will miss feeling your kicks, and I hope you are at peace." Anders bit down on his lip and I could tell he was trying his best not to break down with Fenris standing only a foot or so away. I saw Fenris' arm stretch past me, as Anders handed off the urn to him. He stared at it intently for a moment before speaking.

"I am not good with words or stating how I feel but..." He let out a deep breath. "I would not care if you were born a mage or not. All that would have mattered was that you were mine, and that would have been sufficient enough." He closed his eyes tight, and whispered a few words in Arcanum before passing the urn back to me.

In this private moment, under the now dark sky, it did not matter who the biological father was. Anders and Fenris put aside their hate for each other, and shared this moment with me. We were all connected, all felt the pain, and loss of a child that already was loved deeply. I twisted off the top of the urn and looked at the two men beside me. Anders placed his hands on one side of the urn, then Fenris joined his hands on the other. Together we swept Malcolm's ashes across the flower beds in my garden. The rain came down harder and thunder was booming from above us. I watched his ashes disappear into the dirt and I fell to my knees before him and began to weep. Anders and Fenris knelt down beside me, feeling just as I did. I'm not sure how long we stayed out there. The both of them remained completely quiet, as my sobs and howls were eaten up by the thunder that roared above us. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.

Authors notes: I have do give credit where it is due, the poem in this chapter I found online by an anonymous author, seems it is rather popular at funerals. I just changed "God" to "the Maker". My inspiration for this chapter was a Hungarian suicide song called Gloomy Sunday performed by Sarah McLachlan (there are many versions of the song as it was composed in the 30's, that i just my favorite one). Thank you to my beta and all my readers for their continued support!