Anders kicked off his boots as he came into our bedroom. I had gone to bed hours before, and he was just getting home from the clinic. He was drowning himself in work. Only a few days after the funeral he was back at the clinic - for weeks it was rare if I saw him during the day at all. The weight on the bed shifted as he climbed into it. He put an arm around me, and I immediately pushed him away and rolled to the opposite side, facing away from him.

"Please love, I just want to hold you. You haven't let me in so long, and I miss you."

"Not now Anders, I'm tired." He let out an aggravated sigh and flipped over, facing the wall. I lay awake for awhile, listening as his breathing got heavy and he finally started to snore. It wouldn't be long now until his nightmares took full force and I would eventually move to the couch in my library. It had been nine weeks since we lost the baby, and his nightmares were getting increasingly worse. I just let him ride them out on his own, if I tried to wake him in an effort to calm him down, he would only want to hold me afterwards, and I wasn't ready for it. Any time he initiated physical contact with me, my body froze up and I wanted to scream. The thought of being intimate frightened me. After Malcolm passed, he was the only thought that consumed my mind. If I let Anders hold me, he would eventually want to make love, and the image of it made me feel sick to my stomach. Would I ever want to be intimate again? Would I ever want to try for another child? I doubted it. Eventually, Anders would grow tired of my bitterness and he would leave me, I convinced myself. Better to push him away now and save us both from more heartache. I had lost my father, sister, then my mother and child in one night. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I didn't need to drag him down with me any more than I already had. Quietly, I slipped out of my room and headed to the library where I tossed myself onto the sofa and eventually fell asleep.

By the time I made my way to the main quarters in the morning, Anders had already left. Bodahn told me of an urgent letter that arrived earlier. The letter was from the Viscount. I quickly got dressed and headed out the door.

The Viscount informed me of a Qunari delegate that had gone missing. He feared that the Arishok would no doubt blame him for this, so off I was in search of a missing Qunari. After Aveline and I intimidated a few guards at the Hanged Man, we discovered that the Grand Cleric was somehow involved.

When we got to the Chantry to question the Grand Cleric, a woman - Mother Petrice, who we had run into a few years previously when she was a Sister, told us that a Templar of the name Ser Varnell was responsible, and were given a map to his hideout. Aveline, Merrill and I went to fetch Fenris before heading to the location.

I knocked on Fenris' door a few times, and when he didn't answer, I let myself inside. I had barely seen Fenris at all since the funeral. I had just begun leaving my mansion and taking on tasks for the city again two weeks prior. The only time I ran into Fenris was when my instructions from various jobs led me to The Hanged Man, and we had not seen him there on this particular night.

"Fenris? It's me." I called out. He poked his head around the corner and slowly lumbered towards me.

"Hawke, what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but we have an issue with a missing Qunari. I thought maybe you could assist us."

"Of course," he said as he walked over to a rack and took his sword. His hands fumbled on the handle and it crashed to the floor.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." he leaned forward and grabbed his weapon and we walked out the door.

On our way to the hideout, I noticed that Fenris was a lot slower than usual. He kept falling behind and had very little to say, not that the last bit was really out of character for him, but there was a voice inside my head that was nagging. Something was not quite right.

"You guys go ahead, we'll catch up."

"Very well." Aveline replied and her and Merrill walked ahead of me. It took Fenris a few moments to catch up, and before he could walk any further I held out my arm in front of him so he could not progress.

"Hold up. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing, I told you earlier, I am fine." he contended with me, and that's when I noticed the distinct smell of wine on his breath.

"Fenris, have you been drinking?"

"What concern of it is yours?"

"It is every concern of mine if I am bringing you into a possible ambush! Are you drunk?" I demanded.

"No. I only had a little. Let me do this, Hawke." He started to walk ahead and I pulled him back once again.

"I swear to the Maker, if you're lying to me..."

"I told you, I am fine. Let's be on our way now." He was adamant, so I decided to let it slide. He seemed coherent other than being a little slower than usual, so I put my concerns to the back of my mind and decided to focus on the task at hand.

We were soon under attack by a group of Qunari haters. The missing Qunari had been slaughtered upon our arrival, and now they were prepared to kill us. Merrill and I stayed back as Aveline and Fenris stayed in front and delivered blows to the fanatics.

One after the other, they charged at us. I turned my attention to Fenris and noticed that he was struggling more so than usual. His blows were delayed, so I cast a protective aura over him to help keep enemies away from him for the time being.

The fanatics were dying down as many of them had fallen. I finished one off when I whipped around and saw that Fenris had stumbled over, the aura no longer in effect. He was breathing heavily and when he tried to stand he faltered and fell. Ser Varnell had a wicked grin as he headed towards Fenris, weapon drawn. Fenris staggered, trying to lift his sword that seemed too heavy for him, when I ran over and pushed him out of the way. Varnell's weapon struck my arm and I screamed out.

"Hawke!" Aveline yelled and soon she was on him. I held onto my open gash, applying pressure to it. I was all out of mana and had no health potions left due to the lengthy battle, so I tore off a section of my robes and wrapped the wound. By the time I bandaged it, Ser Varnell was dead as were the rest of his followers.

Aveline, enraged, stomped over to Fenris who was just getting up. She grabbed him by the collar and slammed him into a wall.

"What in the Void is the matter with you?! You could have gotten Hawke killed!"

"I...what?"

"You're a drunk, Fenris, and I will not tolerate this any longer. How many times in the past month has either Donnic or I been called upon to escort you home from that dive you are so fond of? How many times have you been too inebriated to even get yourself home? Enough is enough!" She screamed at him, her face red with a fury I had never seen in her before. She let go of her grip on him and he slumped over. I slowly approached them, unable to process what I just heard.

"Fenris, is this true?" I asked him and he did not answer me.

"Hawke, your arm is bleeding. We should get you fixed up." Merrill softly said, coming to my side.

"I have it under control. Anders can fix it when I get back home. I need to speak with Fenris alone. You two go ahead." Merrill nodded and started to walk off. Aveline turned her head once more before she left.

"This is the last time, Fenris. I mean it." and then they were out of sight. Fenris slouched against the wall, sheathing his sword. I turned to him, concerned and outraged at the same time.

"Do you have a death wish or something?!"

"And what if I do?" he responded coldly.

"What was that? Don't you dare play games with me. This isn't funny."

"Did I stutter?" he glared at me, anger in his eyes. "What do I have to live for? There is nothing for me anymore. Everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, only pain and suffering is present. That child was the only thing that could have given me meaning. All I have left in this world is a possible sister who I can never contact, without knowing if it will lead Danarius right to me."

"I'm still here Fenris."

"Yes, you're still here, looking just as you always have. You have your precious Anders to take care of everything for you, isn't that right, Hawke? You're just going on with your merry lives, nothing stops you for an instant. Tell me Hawke, did you spend any time grieving over the loss of our child, or did you just run off to the Viscount the very next day?"

Fury took a hold of every fiber in my body, and before I realized what I was doing, my hand was across his face, striking him in one hard movement.

"Don't you dare question my degree of loss! Have you forgotten that not only did I lose a child, but my mother in that very same instant? Do you know how hard it's been for me to get out of bed each day? Oh, how I would love to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine night after night, but I have a whole city looking at me to solve all of their damn problems! You do not get to judge how I choose to heal, you have no right!" I was grabbing him by the shoulders now, shaking with rage and disbelief at his ignorance. Fenris' eyes went wide, and he buried his face in his hands.

"No, I...I didn't mean it. I am sorry." He lowered his hands and took notice of my arm finally, the bandage was doing it's job but blood could be seen through it. He grabbed my arm, staring at it in shock.

"This...this was my fault."

"Anders will heal me. I will be fine."

"But you could have been seriously injured. I almost lost you once, I could not bear to lose you again. Not by my own hands...not now." his hands were shaking and his complexion was pale as he held onto my injured arm. My other arm reached out to him, and I lifted his chin so he was looking at me in the eyes.

"You want to make it up to me? Don't let this ever happen again, Fenris. You're hurting, if there's anyone that understands, it's me. If you want to drink yourself into a stupor, I get it. But do not put others at risk because you are too proud to back down from a fight. Do you understand me?"

"I do."

"Good. Let's get out of here. I need to get my arm fixed."

My estate was dark when I finally arrived. My entire staff had gone to bed, as it was very late. I made my way up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door behind me. Anders was in bed asleep, but the fireplace was still going strong. He mustn't' have gotten home much longer before I did. I sat on the bed and slowly nudged him awake.

"Anders, I need you to look at my arm."

"Hmmm?" he mumbled groggily, eyes adjusting. "What did you say, love?"

"My arm," I moved it in front of him and removed the bandage. His eyes grew wide and he jolted upwards fast, taking hold of my sore limb.

"Maker, Hawke! What happened?" He asked, inspecting my wound.

"We ran into Ser Varnell again. Him and a bunch of his followers attacked us." He waved his arms over my cut, and it began to heal.

"Oh Sweetheart, are you alright?"

"Yes. Thank you, Anders." I said, pulling my arm away from his grasp as soon as the gash fully closed up. His hands latched onto it once again, and he tenderly kissed the spot that just had been healed. I stared at the floor, not wanting to look at this man who was so devoted to me, when I had been neglecting him for months. His hand reached out, and turned my face so that I was looking at him.

"I know you're upset, and I know that you need your space. I just need to tell you that I am here for you, and that I love you. No matter how much time you need, I will be right here, missing you."

"Oh, Anders." I could not stay away any longer. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he held me close.

"Maker, I've missed this." he whispered into my ear, his embrace growing tighter.

"I'm so sorry, please don't ever leave me." He pulled away from me, both his hands wandered up to my face and grasped my cheeks.

"I could never possibly leave. You're the love of my life. Don't ever for a second doubt my devotion to you." His lips met mine and I kissed him with a passion that had been held back for over two months. I thought that it died along with our child, but it merely remained dormant and was now awakening again. He softly moaned into me as I sucked on his lower lip, his hands stroking my hair. I pulled away and held his hands in mine.

"I've been so scared Anders. Everyone around me seems to die. I thought that maybe pushing you away would be the best for both of us. I don't want to hurt you too."

"No Sweetheart, don't talk like that. After the baby...I couldn't stand to lose you too. You're my whole world, please don't leave."

"I won't. I promise."

"And I promise to be here for you more. I know I haven't been around much. It's just been so much easier to focus on my work. But you need me, and I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to."

"No, stay. Hold me in your arms tonight. I can't promise I'll be ready for anything more than that for awhile, but I need to know that you won't give up on me." Anders pulled me into another tight embrace and laid us both down on the bed, pulling the covers over us.

"I waited for three long years to feel your touch. I swear to you, I can wait as long as you need me to. I will be forever faithful at your side."