I don't own. Blah, blah.
I've never loved mornings. I have never really hated them either. They just kinda…were. This morning? Not on that list. When I woke up, groggily and remembering why I don't drink much, my bed was empty. After leaving the club last night, Jamie and I hardly spoke and once we got home, he just changed and went to bed. Facing away from me. So un-like Jamie.
So here I am, showering in Alice's bathroom, listening to her stupid little dogs bark and dreading the upcoming conversation that I know Jamie and I are going to have soon.
Since the dinner last night, my mind has been on crazy overdrive. I can't help but question why I didn't just come clean with Jamie. Why didn't I just tell him who Edward was? That would be a great reason to keep the two of them away from each other and they would definitely not be going out riding like they are today.
I would be lying if I didn't admit that at the forefront of my mind, I am the most filled with thoughts on Edward's comments. Sure, he had been a huge ass at the end of our relationship, but not like that. I would also be lying if I didn't admit that it turned me on a little to remember that part of our lives. Of course Jamie and I have a great sex life, but it wasn't quite like it was Edward. He was my first and everything that entails.
"Bella?" I can hear Alice's voice coming through the bathroom door, interrupting my thoughts.
"Yeah?"
"Breakfast is on the table. Uh…"
I can tell whatever she is saying; she must want it to be private.
"Come in Alice, it's not like you haven't seen it before." Plus, the glass is textured, so she'll only see my shape anyway.
"I just wanted you to know that Jasper and I are going to go out into the garage and start getting the bikes ready. I thought you and Jamie might want a little privacy." She gives me a sad smile and I realize that moment that I have been dreading has suddenly come a little sooner than I had imagined.
"Thanks honey. I appreciate that."
She turns to leave but gives me one last look.
"He's a good man. Treat him like one, okay?" She pulls the door open and starts to leave.
"What are you talking about Alice? I thought you were on my side?"
Letting out a breath she looks me in the eyes and I can see her serious face.
"I am Bella, but I don't want you to hurt him. He has been nothing but great for you."
"Alice, you make it sound like we are going to break up. Why are you so sure that I am going to hurt him? Why can't he be my future?"
With a grim smile and one foot out the door, Alice gives me her honesty in full force.
"Because he's not Edward."
After she is gone and I am finishing my shower, I wonder where her head is. Only yesterday she was telling me that she was glad I had met him and that maybe he was the best thing for me and now? Now, she back to where she started.
After I make it downstairs, I see Jamie sitting at the table with a huge spread of breakfast in front of him. Alice really went all out.
"Good morning." I say as I make my way to the coffee pot.
"I've already got it over here." Jamie says as he gestures to the cup that is sitting by the plate. The plate –might I add, that is full of my favorites.
"Thank you." As I sit and we begin to eat, I keep wondering how to bring up last night. How do you start a conversation like that?
"Why didn't you tell me that you were engaged?" Jamie just took the words from my mouth and started the conversation for me.
With a huge sigh and a tight closing of my eyes, I take a breath.
"I wish I could tell you. I really do, Jamie. I guess…..it never came up? I don't know. At first I didn't want to talk about it and then, too much time had passed." I push the food around my plate and try to find words to explain something that I really don't understand myself.
"Did you love him?" Jamie asked and then quickly scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure you did or you wouldn't have been marrying him, right?" It's a question, but he isn't really looking for an answer.
I take a long drink out of my cup and look out toward the garage where I'm sure Alice is trying to hear our conversation.
"Yeah, I did. A lot." I take a huge breath and lean forward, resting my arms on the table as I blow it out.
"He was my everything, my world. " I can feel my eyes stinging as I struggle to bite back the tears.
"There was an accident and it drove us apart. I finally had all I could take and I left." I finally look up from the table and meet Jamie's gaze.
"I won't lie to you, Jamie. You deserve better than that. More."
Leaning back again, I feel like I can't sit still, can't concentrate.
"I loved him so long and so hard that it nearly killed me when we split up and some days, that heavy weight still sits on my chest, Jamie. I thought it would go away you know?" My lip is quivering; I really don't want to cry.
"Baby." Jamie gets up from his chair and pulls me into his arms.
"I know what that weight feels like. I do. After Tori was killed, it felt like I would never get out from under it. Like I would suffocate, but time made it easier."
I've had time. 4 years of it.
"I promise you, it will get better." He kisses my forehead and I can't ignore the overwhelming shame that fills my every pore. This man is more incredible than I deserve.
"I'm sorry, this is crazy." I say, wiping my tears from my eyes and being so thankful that he is so understanding.
"I get it, Bella. I do." He is amazing.
"There are still days that I miss her so bad it hurts."
Victoria was Jamie's wife. A beautiful redhead that looked so full of life from the pictures that I have seen. But, a drunk driver took that from her and from her 6 month old baby when he got behind the wheel one night. I remember the night Jamie sobbed into my arms and told me the story. It made me feel selfish for not being appreciative.
Taking a deep breath, I know I have to pull it together; it's crazy that I'm drowning in the past when I have such an amazing future staring at me.
Hearing a truck rumble up the drive, it only takes about 2 seconds to figure out whose it is. Black exterior, black and chrome rims and a door that would take a running jump to get up into? Yep, that is Edward Cullen's truck I would bet money.
My suspicions are confirmed when he gets out of the driver's door followed by a bickering Emmett and Rosalie.
Why does he have to be so good-looking? I just want him to look hideous one day! Just one day! Of course, at this point I realize that I look pretty shitty right now. At least I have on my silk robe and good house slippers. Maybe that will overshadow the fact that my wet hair is still plastered to my face and there are still black smudges under my eyes from not wiping from under them after my shower.
Alice and Jasper climb on the back deck with us and everyone follows. Of course, Emmett immediately goes for the food that Jamie put on the table, but I don't mind, I don't think I could eat anyway.
"You guys ready?" Jasper asks, but I'm pretty sure he has directed that toward me and Jamie.
"Yeah, let me go grab my wallet." Jamie says with a little too much enthusiasm.
After he leaves, an awkward silence falls over the group. It's apparent to everyone that we all remember the words that were spoken last night.
"Look, Bella. I'm sorry about last night, okay?" He isn't being genuine. Edward forgets that I know him better than anyone. Well, I assume that. I guess I don't actually know him. Or I haven't in the last four years. It hurts too much to think that there may be someone else out there who knows him more now.
"Look, Edward. Let's just forget it okay?" I beg him with my eyes. Please, please, please make this easy on me.
Raking his hand through his hair, a signature Cullen move, my heart twists a little.
"Sure, B." He doesn't look so sure.
"Alright guys, let go see how many bones we can break." Jamie jokes as he walks over to me and places his arm around my waist. "I'll see you later, Babe." Jamie pecks me on the cheek. He looks to be pretty excited about his trip and I can only pray the boys go easy on him. Your first time can be kind of rough and Jamie doesn't know anything about moto.
As the group moves down toward the truck, with the girls following their significant others, I grab Edward's hand and pull him back toward me as the group moves on out to loading the truck in the driveway.
As soon as I touch him, I regret it. Damn heartbeat racing. Wish that thing would get in tune with my head. At least one of them know he isn't supposed to be affecting me like this. I can't help but notice that Edward is a little too excited that I have pulled him to me, so I drop his hand immediately.
"Look, I still haven't told him about us. So, be discreet please?"
He does that thing where he twists the bottom half of his jaw to the side and sticks his tongue in one of his jaw teeth. He always did it to drive me crazy when he didn't want to agree with me on something. It is a cocky little smirk that I hate to admit, I didn't even realize I missed.
"One condition." He motions his head toward the drive where the gang is loading up. "Tell me why you didn't tell him about us."
What do I say? How do I answer a question that I don't even have the answer to? A question that I have asked myself so many times over the past few hours.
Closing my eyes, I drop my guard, just for a moment, but it's gone. I wish I knew the right words. I wish I had some magic phrase that would make him realize what I went through. The pain he caused me. But instead, I say the only thing that I can come close to believing was the real reason I never said anything to Jamie.
"Because it hurt too much."
Dropping my head to the ground and turning to go back into the house, I can barely hear him.
"Bella." He's started down the steps and toward the garage but he has turned the upper half of his body toward me.
"I think you know that we are going to have to talk about everything eventually." He clenches his jaw and it makes me wonder if maybe he has hurt too. "You should know, no matter how messed up everything got. There was never a time…not a single fucking second that you didn't own every part of me." He gaze holds mine but a second longer and then he's gone.
I barely even have time to process this before Alice and Rose have joined me back on the deck and Rose has her arm wrapped around my shoulder and Alice is staring at me with those eyes that say 'I love you, but you're an idiot.'
"Say it Alice." I practically have to choke out because I am trying so hard to not cry. Owned him? Owned him. He has no idea what I went through. The pain of watching him fall apart and push me away for a year. Owned him? Fuck him.
"You're fucked." Short. Simple. To the point. So Alice.
I chuckle and wipe the wayward tear from under my eye.
"See why I stayed away for so long? Things are too hard here. Back home, everything is simple and light." I pull my robe closer to my body, knowing I want the security of the action more than the warmth of the material.
"Sweetheart, this is home." Rose says as she presses her temple against mine.
"You know what I mean." As we walk back toward the French doors, I realize that if I'm ever going to move on, I'm going to have to talk to Edward eventually. God, I really don't want to. At all. I would have to lay everything bare and tell him all the things that I have locked away and never want to remember.
"Umm, Bella, you don't happen to own a pair of hot pink thongs with a black lace-up bow in the front, do you?" Rose asks while looking away from me toward the kitchen. I can't help but look down; can you see through my robe? I don't remember putting those on this morning, but I was pretty out of it when I got out of the shower.
"Yeah, why?"
Rose doubles over in laughter. She can hardly breathe through all that baby in her belly. Then I see her point and I nearly have a heart attack. There, in the middle of Alice's kitchen floor are the thongs in question, shredded and hanging out of Alice's yippy little dog's mouth.
"Oh no, Alice!" I shout as I follow the trail of clothing. Between the two of the little ankle-biters, I bet I don't have a single item of clothing that isn't shredded, pissed on or full of dog shit.
~o0o~
I'm sitting here in front of the vanity with rollers in my hair, trying to breathe through my nose…calmly. I've been sitting here for 45 minutes trying to do my hair and make-up while Alice claims to rustle me up some clothes. Because nearly everything I had in my suitcase, everything, is gone. My new dresses, my favorite pair of jeans, even my new black pumps that I just bought 5 days ago are ruined! Fucking dogs. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have left the case open on the bed, but I don't have animals in my house! I don't know these things.
This vacation went from shitty to 'I need to take my ass home.'
"Hey, here you go." Alice packs a pile of familiar clothes in the room. Several actually. Standing and looking at them, I realize why they look so familiar. They're mine. Well, they were.
"I'll let you get dressed and then we'll run to the mall and pick you up some underwear. I know that bra can't be comfortable." Alice snickers and leaves the room. She is right though, it really, really isn't. Rose is a lot bigger than me and Alice is a lot smaller, so here I am in Alice's training bra, being squeezed to death. Okay, so it's not really a training bra, but it feels like one.
Picking up the clothes, I'm assaulted with so many memories. Fox t-shirts, an Alpine Stars hoodie, and I can't help but chuckle when I pick up the faded and worn pair of DVS slippers and I remember how much I wanted these. Edward bought them for me as happy Wednesday gift. It all still smells like I used to, that strawberry body wash and shampoo I used to use. Checking behind me to make sure Alice is gone, I sniff the shirt that was at the bottom of the pile, the one I have been trying to avoid but can't.
It was Edwards. He won it his rookie year and when he outgrew it, I stole it. I used to wear it to bed nearly every night. Pulling it to my nose and burying practically my entire head in it, I realize it still smells like him. Going from shirt to shirt, I realize they all do. How pathetic is that? Even then he was the center of my world. Why can't I just pretend he never existed?
~o0o~
Walking through the small shopping center, I feel like I've stepped back in time 4 years. Here I am, with Rose and Alice (granted Rose is a lot bigger around the middle now) wearing ripped jeans and a FMF tank, and I must be 18 again.
"Ohh, Carter's is having a sale!" Alice squeals and makes a b-line for the store.
"I swear, you would think that she is the one having the baby. I bet Samantha already has every outfit in there. She buys her something every time she comes!" Rose chuckles. She is so beautiful. Of course, Rosalie Hale-McCarty always was. But to see her as a mom? She is breathtaking.
As we browse through the store, my heart hurts a little. Tiny little socks and precious baby shoes. Sometimes I wonder if my baby would have been a boy with Edward's crazy copper hair or a girl with his beautiful green eyes. I wonder if I'll ever be a mom…if I will ever want to be again?
"Bella Swan?" As soon as I hear the voice, my temper spikes and I see red. Damn these old clothes! It must be them, because when I was dressed in my summer dress, I was cool and calm and now in this stupid outfit, I feel like I'm that 20 year old hot head again!
"Bree Tanner." Not a question. A statement. Stupid bitch.
"Look at you. Exactly the same." Coming from someone else's mouth, I wouldn't think much of it, but from her mouth? A barb, for sure.
I can't really say that she looks all that different either. Well, minus the new nose and boobs. She looks like the same cheap skank that she was then.
She walks forward and wraps her fake nails around my arms and pushes her fake boobs in my vision, and air-kisses on each side of the face. I hate when people do that, what does that even mean?
Bree Tanner was a girl that was obsessed with Edward while we were in high school. In all honesty, they were kind of going on when I came into the picture and he told me that she gave him head once. Gahh! That thought makes me want to puke in my mouth. All she ever wanted was to be on the arm of the best rider at the race. Attention starved and all that.
"I heard about your dad, I'm sorry. I'm sure Edward was just crushed. I know how close they were." She picks up a onesie and looks at it. Like I wouldn't notice how she just snuck his name in there?
"Thank you, Bree." I turn and move toward the back of the store where Alice and Rose seem to be distracted by a display of PJ's. Really guys? Can't you see that I am corned up here?
"Do you see him often?" She giggles, "Edward, I mean." Spinning on my heels, I turn back toward her and realize that I wasn't going to get away quite that easy.
Technically I saw him just this morning. Technically he isn't interested in you. Technically, you might know what his dick tastes like, but I know what it feels like.
Oh god. Did I really just think that?
"In passing. He's fine."
"Oh good, I know how bad things got after that whole accident mess. I was so glad to hear that he was cleared and no charges were pressed, you know? I know how messed up he got afterward and…"
"Bree! I thought I smelled cheap perfume." Rose smirked at her with her hand on her hip. Thank God she came to save me!
"Rosalie Hale. I would ask how things were but I can see that you've been, uh, busy?" She sneered at Rose's belly like she was 15 and knocked up.
Logical thought just left my brain and I can't remember any desire other than to punch her in the face.
"Bree," I start with the sweetest voice I can muster." Obviously in the four years since I last saw you, you still have no fucking clue or tact. Rosalie is married and expecting her first child. A wonderful time for her. So you'll excuse the three of use, who have grown up, are happy and, oh I don't know, have fucking lives that we need to get back to. We've wasted enough brain cells talking to you." And with that, we left.
Once we got back to the side walk, Alice and Rose just gawked at me. My anger was starting to dissipate and I was glad I got that off my chest. It felt really good. Maybe 4 years of being proper had helped to create all this tension in me all the time.
"What?" I question as we throw the bags in the back of the car.
"There you are." Rosalie grins.
Huh? Of course I'm here. We rode together. I start toward the passenger side and I can hear them talking quietly saying something about 'He was right.'
Before I can question them about it, the phone rings and its Jamie. Just what I need to calm me down.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Babe. How's it going?"
"Good, we just finished up at the mall; I had to pick up some underwear and bras."
Silence on the other end.
"Why?"
As I tell him about the disaster that was this morning, I thought he would feel bad for me after Cujo and Killer ate all my clothes, but much like Alice and Rose, he just laughed at me.
"Well, it's good that Alice had some of your clothes left, right?"
"Yeah." Even if I look like an idiot who is yelling and cussing at everyone. " Are you having a good time?"
"A blast, baby. This is a lot of fun. I wish we had already done this before! It's awesome. Such a rush, you know?" He sounds so happy.
"I actually called because we ran into someone who wanted to talk to you, hold on a second."
I could hear him passing off the phone and mumbled voices. Who could he be talking about?
"Bellabee?" As soon as I hear her voice I have to fight back tears. Smooth honey pouring over me. I instantly see a little girl crying over her first period, talking about my first date with Riley Biers, learning to put on eyeliner.
"Moma Es." I barely choke out.
"Oh Baby, get your butt over to the track and see me and Pops."
At this point, I'm crying so hard I can hardly talk but I think she can understand me. "I'm on my way."
I hope you guys liked it! I know it's been a long time, but I will be honest, I hadn't gotten a lot of response so I hadn't been inclined to update much, but for some reason I started to get more reviews and interest in the story, so I started working on it again. Funny how that happens, huh?
As of now, (I created a new outline) the story has 16 chapters and an epilogue. You got some more clues to the past this chapter and they will just keep coming from here on out. My goal is to have this completed by the end of the year. We'll see. Review and I will get the next out even faster!