Chapter 5

Derek lay in his bed later that night, the pain of Meredith's rejection shooting through his body. He had never felt like this before. It felt as if his heart was being stabbed by a thousand knives. Every time he closed his eyes, images of her danced in front of his eyes, tormenting him to no end. He tossed and turned, not able to find a comfortable position. He yearned for her, needing the heat of her body next to him to find peace. His mind had been spinning ever since those cutting words passed her lips. Could the night before really have meant nothing to her? Had she just become lost in the moment? Had all of the heat and passion he had felt simply been a figment of his imagination? He felt… he didn't know how he felt. Hurt, betrayed, devastated, and slightly angry. She had led him on and then brutally dashed his hopes of finally finding true, pure love. His heart, his soul ached. As pathetic as it sounded, he felt as if he would never be able to experience happiness again. He got out of bed and walked to the door. Down the hallway he skulked and ended up in his study. He poured himself a generous helping of bourbon, when he found that the scotch was gone. The liquid scorched his throat as it went sliding down, three large gulps in quick secession. After the first glass was gone, he poured another and another and another. As he fell down into the pit of drunken bliss, the pain subsided as his mind became clouded. He laid down on the leather couch, taking another swig of the liquid. After a little longer, he slipped into a dreamless sleep.

Tears spilled down Meredith's checks as her hair fell out of the tight bun it was wound in and cascaded down her back. The sound of ripping material filled the air, as she stepped on the hem of her dress and the satin shredded. After her run-in with Derek, she wanted nothing more but to leave that stifling mansion, but her father was nowhere to be found. She ran outside, but found that the carriage was not there. Her father must have told Spencer to come back at one. It was eleven thirty now, so she knew if she wanted to leave, she would have to get there herself. She knew that being out on the streets at night was dangerous, but she didn't care. All she wanted was to be home. So, she started running. Luckily, she had figured out her way back home, so she didn't have to worry about getting lost. The sound of her heels echoed amongst the brownstones and she was almost sent sprawling when her heel caught on a crack. She was able to right herself, but her heel had broken. With that, she removed her heels and continued on barefoot. She ran blindly for several minutes, tears welling in her eyes. She felt horrible for what she had said. The pained look on his face would not remove itself from her mind's eye. The lies that had spilled forth from her mouth now disgusted her, filling her mouth with a repulsing metallic taste. If only he knew that the night before had been the most wonderful experience she had ever had. She wanted to feel him next to her again, taste his lips, run her hands through his hair, press herself up against his strong, muscular chest. The corset she was wearing started to feel as if it was breaking her ribs, as her breath began to come in short gasps. She stumbled to a stop and lowered to her knees, her lungs on fire. She clawed at the dress, trying to loosen the corset. After no such luck, she got back to her feet and continued on.

"Why did we have to choose the mansion on the outskirts of the city?" Meredith asked herself. She started to run once again, feeling as if she would pass out at any moment. Pieces of the hem ripped off, littering the sidewalk behind her, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore, except Derek. Tears fell even faster, as the love she felt filled her chest, making it even harder to breathe. She loved him. She loved him with every piece of her. She loved him and she had pushed him away. She despised herself.

After a few more minutes, she finally reached the house, gasping for air. She flung open the door, surprising the maids that were sitting in the parlor. Christina jumped to her feet.

"Meredith, what happened?"

"I…I did something horrible, Christina. And I can't fix it," Meredith cried, her shoulders shaking. Christina walked over and wrapped her arms around Meredith. Meredith sobbed into her shoulder, not caring how much this went against the laws of society. She needed a friend and Christina was that friend. She led Meredith upstairs and helped her out of her ruined dress. She went to the wardrobe and started to pull out a nightgown, but Meredith gestured for her to stop.

"Pull out what I was wearing earlier. I have an errand I have to run," Meredith said. Christina looked at her questioningly, but did as she was commanded. Meredith pulled on the outfit and slipped into her boots. She left her hair down and walked out of the room and back downstairs, Christina following at her heels.

"Where are you planning on going?" Christina asked, concerned about her mistress.

"I am going to right my wrong," Meredith stated confidently. "Call out to Spencer and tell him to get the carriage ready."

"Yes, Meredith," Christina bowed her head, then turned and headed out to the carriage house. A few minutes later, she returned. "He will be ready in a few minutes. May I ask, what is this wrong that you must right?"

"I rejected the man I love and who loves me," Meredith said, looking into Christina's eyes. A smile crossed Christina's face.

"I wish you the best of luck in winning Mister Sheperd back." Meredith smiled at her and pulled her cloak on. She walked out the door and to the carriage, where Spencer helped her up.

"Where to, milady?" Spencer asked politely.

"The Sheperd Mansion on Apple Blossom," Meredith stated.

"Right away," Spencer replied, as he climbed up into his seat. The carriage lurched as the horses started forward. Meredith settled back into the seat, looking up at the bright stars. They seemed to be smiling at her, urging her on in her journey. A smile crossed her face for the first time in the whole day. She was going to tell Derek she loved him. She was going to take a risk and not care what might happen. She was going to live the way she wanted. She was not going to hide anymore.

In a few minutes the carriage pulled up to the curb next to the Sheperd mansion. Meredith stepped down out of the carriage and looked up at Spencer.

"Don't wait for me. You can just get my father and take him home. And make sure he knows that I'm safe."

"Yes, ma'am," Spencer said, before starting the horses down the street. Meredith walked up the walkway to the door. She quietly knocked on the door and a maid opened it.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Could I see Derek Sheperd, please?" Meredith replied.

"He is not accepting visitors right now."

"Please, this is urgent," Meredith pleaded.

"Alright, just be quite." The maid opened the door wider, allowing Meredith in. She led her down the hallway to a closed door.

"I can go in by myself," Meredith said. The maid looked at her, not amused. This mysterious woman was not making her job easy.

"Fine," the maid said and retreated back down the hallway. Meredith turned the door knob and silently opened the door. In the flickering candlelight, she could see Derek passed out on the couch. Her heart broke a little more, realizing that the drunken heap in front of her had been her fault. She tiptoed over to him and placed a cool hand on his cheek. She gasped when she found him laced with fever. He murmured in his delirium and moved slightly. His eyelids fluttered open for a few seconds and he looked up at her.

"Are you really here?" he muttered, staring up at her in confusion. She caressed his cheek, a light smile on her lips.

"Yes, yes I'm here," Meredith calmly replied. "And I'm going to take care of you." She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. The smell of bourbon was strong in her nostrils and she gently pulled the glass out of his reluctant hand.

"No, don't take it," he mumbled, as his eyes closed once again.

"If I don't, you'll drink yourself sick," she replied, starting to turn to place it back on the table. Before she could, though, he reached out and clutched her hand.

"Don't leave me," he said, his eyes pleading. She returned to his side and took his hand, pushing back the hair that had fallen over his face.

"I love you," he whispered before slipping back into unconsciousness. She looked down at him, her eyes glowing with the love she felt for him.

When she knew he was asleep, she replied, "I love you, too."

She slipped her hand out of his grasp and walked out of the room, in search of some water. She quietly snuck down the hallway and tried to find the kitchen. Rain began to pour down outside, lightning flashes lighting the long hallways with eerie, white light. Goose bumps ran up and down Meredith's arms, as the judging stares of Derek's ancestors followed her down the hall from their framed prisons. She was playing with fire being here, borderline of being burned. But she didn't care. She had to take care of him, especially since she was the one that had brought about his condition. After trying a few wrong rooms, she finally reached the kitchen. She grabbed a large bowl out of the cupboard and a rag and filled the bowl with cold water. She walked back out of the kitchen and to Derek's study once again. She kneeled next to him and dipped the rag in the water. After ringing it out, she wiped it gently against his forehead. The cool water woke him slightly and he turned his head to look her in the eye.

"That feels nice," he mumbled, smiling at her. He reached out his hand and pulled her closer. He then placed her hand on his cheek. "That feels better."

She smiled and leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "You need to sleep now. You're not going to get any better if you don't."

"I don't want to sleep if you're here. You might go away again." Meredith's heart broke when those words reached her ears. She had hurt him so much, more than she could have ever imagined.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," she said, as she smiled down at him. "I promise."

"I still don't want to sleep. I just want to lay here with you. I want to talk to you, learn more about you."

"Anything I tell you tonight, you probably won't remember in the morning."

"I'll remember. I remember everything you tell me." Meredith smiled at this, her face glowing in the flickering candlelight.

"Do you really love me?" Derek's question cut through the air, making Meredith's heart skip a beat.

"You heard that?" Meredith asked, flustered. She could feel blood rushing to her checks.

"Why are you blushing? Did you not want me to know?"

"No… I wanted you to know. I just wanted it to be a better time than this."

"Well, I'd say this is the best time for you to tell me. Especially after the incident at dinner." Meredith looked down at the floor, not able to meet his eyes. "Why did you say those things?"

"I was scared. I was scared of people finding out about what happened and me being cast out of society. I was scared of falling in love with you and then you rejecting me."

"So instead, you rejected me after I fell in love with you."

"Yes. But I didn't mean anything that I said. I don't want you to leave me alone or stop caring about me and making sure I'm alright. And I lied about our night together. It was amazing. I never felt that… that whole. It was like you were filling this void that I had never realized was there." Derek lay there, looking at her, speechless. He had never felt more joy before in his life. She loved him. She hadn't meant what she had said. But was she willing to be with him, despite all of the lies they would have to tell and the secrets they would have to hide?

"But, will you stay with me? Even though I still have to get married?"

"I will stay as long as I possibly can. Maybe even longer."

"I don't want to ask you to risk your position."

"Derek, I'm sitting here in your study in the middle of the night during one of the biggest thunderstorms of the season. I don't care about my position anymore. All I care about is being with you." She leaned in and kissed him full on the lips. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into him. The kiss deepened, as they became lost in each other. After a few moments, they pulled away, breathless.

"Shouldn't you be heading back home?" he asked her, as the thunder sounded once more, but not as close.

"I don't plan on leaving quite yet," she said, as a smile spread across her face. She gestured for Derek to move over. After he did, she crawled up and lay down next to him. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she relaxed back into him, their bodies like two fitting puzzle pieces.

"I love you," she whispered in the darkness.

"I love you, too," he whispered back.