A/N: Delving into Quinn's pregnancy. Enjoy!
There is a topic which I have been avoiding, because it pains me to speak of it. I am deeply ashamed of that time, of the actions which lead up to it, and the pain which came afterwards still affects me, especially in my most vulnerable moments. I believe this affected me more than anyone has ever acknowledged, mostly because I have not acknowledged it either; no one can know you're hurting if you never tell anybody.
If I could, I would have hidden it from everybody, but as you know, pregnancy is not something that you can hide. It makes itself blindingly obvious, bloating the body you worked so hard to maintain, playing with your hormones, instigating mood swings. Even if I hadn't said a word, they would have realised it eventually, what with my running out of Glee every fifteen minutes to deal with the bile rising up my oesophagus, or my thickening figure, or my shorter than usual temper.
I was 16. Too young, some would say, but in reality, two hundred years ago, you would be expected to bear children at 16. In our society, a pregnant 16 year old is perceived as a slut and is condemned, looked down upon and not treated the same way they were before they fell pregnant. You would assume that a pregnant teenager would gather support rather than contempt, but as you may know, this is not true.
So, how did it happen? Well, Noah Puckerman happened. I can't say it was big and romantic and that he swept me off my feet. In fact, it was the furthest thing from romantic. It was after school at my house, on top of my bed; we didn't even get in between the sheets. I was still in my Cheerios uniform. And I was drunk. It is ridiculous, I know, to plead that I fell pregnant because I was intoxicated. Honestly, I wasn't drunk enough to not know what I was doing, I knew exactly what was happening, I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but at that moment, I was drunk enough that the alcohol had wiped away all of my inhibitions and I just didn't want to stop. I have never before admitted that, but I know I can here. I promised honesty, after all.
Puck was, and to some extent still is, the bad boy of the school. Nipple piercing wearing, guitar playing and mohawk haired, he used to rule the school as the worst of the bad. What can I say? I had a soft spot for his bad boy attitude, and had always admired his mohawk. He was the guy you were attracted to because you knew you shouldn't be, because he was the boy your parents always told you to avoid, because he was the one who would use you then leave you behind. In many ways, he and I were alike, only, because I was a girl, a bitchy attitude was much more acceptable.
Puck was the epitome of jock, much more so than Finn, who, though he was the captain of the football team, lacked the ability to bring the boys together; if anything, that was Puck. He was far more respected than his captain. I always found men who took charge to be sexy. You could say that's one of my kinks.
So I cheated on my boyfriend. I say that as though it was nothing, but actually, that's the thing I'm most ashamed of. I was always taught to be faithful, that adultery was one of the worst sins to commit, but there I was, Puck was in front of me, muscled arms crossed across his chest, a smirk playing across his features, suggesting that he and I hook up. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I found something to say.
"Yes."
Unfortunately, that yes led to the worst time of my life. I knew, even as Puck and I lay on my bed that I shouldn't be doing that, and that if I was, that it should be Finn I was with, not this boy with a mohawk. But Puck was there, and he was giving me wine coolers and I was trying to impress him by drinking and proving I could hold my liquor, so the more he gave, the more I drank. He kissed me and all I wanted was more.
He rolled us over so that I was lying on top of him. I liked that; I felt in control and the feeling made me more aroused than I already was. I kept thinking 'this is the time I should stop to pray,' the way I always did with Finn when I wanted to go further but knew I shouldn't, but this time the alcohol was in my blood, it was burning my veins and my brain pushed that thought of prayer aside. Puck rolled me over again so that this time he was on top and things started to get more serious; hands wandered, tongues too and clothes became far too restraining. But I still had some sense.
"Shouldn't we…you know?"
"Babe, trust me," Puck had replied and I thought, 'well, he's the one who's done this before. I'm the inexperienced one,' and went along with it. The thought that he should be wearing a condom kept niggling at my mind, and I almost stopped a few times - I knew I should stop - but I didn't want to. Clearly, I didn't have enough sense.I got caught in the moment, letting my hormones, urges and the wine coolers drive me into doing what I'd wanted to do for so long, but hadn't been inclined enough to go against my morals to actually follow through with. Besides, Finn just didn't have the same appeal as Puck; knowing he had a problem with premature ejaculation didn't really help his standing.
So that was that. I lost my virginity to Noah Puckerman. Later, when Finn and I were back together and the trauma of pregnancy and lies was behind us, I told him that he should have been my first, not Puck, but honestly, I've never regretted that Puck was my first; I regret that I cheated on Finn to have sex with him and that it resulted in my falling pregnant, but I do not actually regret that he was the first boy I had sex with. I lied to Finn because I knew that was one of his insecurities about himself, and although I may have cheated on him, I still loved him, more than I ever loved Puck.
Oh, and if you're wondering, though I can't say why you would be, I did sleep with Finn later, and out of the two of them, Puck most certainly ranks as the better lover.
A few weeks and four pregnancy tests later, I had the news that I was indeed carrying his child. I stopped breathing for a moment when I saw the first test showing positive, denial made me disbelieve the second and third, but by the fourth test I knew without a doubt that I was pregnant.
Terror doesn't quite describe the feeling at the time. I felt fear so intense that I went numb; I couldn't feel shock, or regret, or unhappiness. I couldn't think about what I had to do, what I could do. A part of me wanted to curl into a ball and pretend that it did not happen. But I was terrified. 16, reader, I was 16 years old. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of a child in my future, let alone a child while I was still a teenager.
Millions of thoughts raced through my mind; telling my mother, telling Puck, not telling anyone, having an abortion. But other thoughts too: keeping the baby, or giving it up for adoption. I weighed my options. I took a long time in considering what I was doing, what was happening and tried to think of what was going to be best for me. I knew that if I decided to have the baby, then I would be kicked out of the Cheerios. I knew that I would lose many of my friends, that I would become an outcast in our school's warped hierarchy. I knew it would break the hearts of my parents, who were so proud that I was the head of the Celibacy club, and would be Chastity Queen at the Chastity Ball. I feared their reaction the most; I had no idea at all of what they might do to me. I knew it was going to make them angry, that it would probably result in them not speaking to me for months, but I was sure that with the birth of my child, that they would come around and forgive me.
It was this line of thought which made me realise something; I'd already unconsciously decided what I was going to do. If I was certain that my parents would forgive me upon the birth of their first grandchild, it meant only one thing: that I had decided, however unconsciously, that I was going to keep my baby. That realisation sent waves of cool relief washing over my anxiety ridden body; that was the first major decision out of the way.
There's something about having a tiny life within you, reader, that forces you to reconsider your view on life. Suddenly everything else seemed less important; fighting for popularity became a sign of immaturity, cheerleading became just a past time, school was more important because it helped you have a chance at raising your child properly and your future is something you come to think of quite frequently.
But, being honest, reader, in those hours after discovering that I was with child, I got in my car, pressed the accelerator as hard as I could and shot towards the closest abortion centre. I sat in the parking lot for two hours, staring at the name of the place, trying to muster the courage to step out of my car and walk in. At one point I did pull myself from the vehicle, but I could not take more than five steps towards the entrance of the centre, and instead, sat against the hood of my car, arms wrapped around myself to stop the shaking which had overcome my body. It was then, my friend, that I realised that abortion wasn't a realistic option for me. I couldn't do it. It wasn't out of some religious conviction, but out of guilt; I could not bear the thought that I would be responsible for taking away someone's opportunity at life, especially when that life was growing within me.
"I can't do this," I admitted out loud to myself, and that was that. I got in my car and went home, never once glancing back in the rearview mirror.
The next thing which I decided was that I would not admit that Puck was the father. Although he was more intelligent than Finn, he was also far more irresponsible, what with his dalliances with older women and inability to stay out of trouble; I needed someone who was going to be able to take care of my child, even if I wasn't fully committed on keeping it and raising it myself. Another motivation behind this was that I didn't want everyone to know that I had cheated on Finn. I didn't want to be that girl, the one who cheats on their boyfriend, the one who falls pregnant to a man other than the one she is dating; I didn't want to be known as a slut. Plus, I knew Finn would never forgive me if he knew that I betrayed him.
I was fortunate enough that Finn believed that it was his baby, even though he and I had never had sex. When he tried to argue the point, I decided to attack his insecurities, mentioning his problem with premature ejaculation and claiming that he had impregnated me when the two of us were in the hot tub, and that hot water made sperm swim faster. In a testament to his own stupidity, he believed the lie. It wasn't my proudest moment, dear reader, but it was necessary. Finn, though coming from a single parent family, was much more capable of looking after a child than Puck, who I knew would not give our child enough of the love that they deserved from their father.
That was the beginning of the web of lies. I also lied to my parents, my friends, my teachers, as well as my boyfriend. They all found out the truth soon enough, before my pregnancy was even showing, in fact. In the ordeal I lost a boyfriend, I lost my parents, but I also found my friends, those who would support me no matter what mistakes I made. Mercedes Jones was my pillar of support during those times. My parents threw me out of the house upon discovering that I was pregnant - their coping mechanism, I suppose, for they had the tendency to pretend that problems within our family did not exist, even though they were overabundant. I moved in with Finn, whose mother I will forever be grateful to for taking me in without a second's hesitation, but when they found out I had lied about my baby's paternity, neither of them could look me in the eye but still asked me to leave their house. Puck was the next to take me in, but his unreliability, the disappointment of his mother, the shouting of his father and the fighting of his siblings had me jumping at the chance Mercedes offered me of moving into her house.
I was glad when everything was revealed, even though it meant jumping from house to house, and losing family and friends, because it meant that I had nothing to hide anymore. There is nothing more stressful than hiding something so big and so important from everyone that you love. All at once you want to break down in front of them and confess everything, letting the tears convey your apology, while at the same time you run home to take away your doctor's bill, desperately hoping that nobody noticed anything unusual. I hope you've never had to experience this, dear reader, for it is most unpleasant.
The entire ordeal forced me to realise that I wasn't ready to take care of a child, that it was well beyond my capabilities as a 16 year old high school student, and when Mr Shuester's wife Terri approached me one day when I escaped to my car, I accepted her proposal of adoption. It seems she was lying to her husband about her pregnancy and in fact needed a baby to make sure that the lie went undetected; and there I was, the solution to her problem just as she was the solution to mine. I don't know how she thought she would hide the fact that she didn't go into labour, and that I did and came out without a baby, but that was a problem for later.
In a conversation which lasted all of three minutes, the pouring rain drumming overhead on the roof of my car, the agreement was made and some of the stress relieved. This happened before my house jumping, but the constant moves only reinforced my decision; I had my doubts about Terri Shuester and her methods and lies, and what that would mean to a child growing up, but I was more than confident in Mr Shuester's abilities to be a good father. There was a brief interval where I considered going back on my word, thinking that Puck might in fact be a good father, and that we could keep and raise the baby as our own, but his unreliability once again shone through and I fell back to my original decision.
That pregnancy was one of the most difficult things I ever had to go through, and it made me realise how much I could handle without being completely broken. Things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to; Mr Shuester found out that Terri was lying to him, I was left with a baby on the way and no where for it to go; I was sure that the Jones family weren't going to be delighted with my being in the house with a child, even though they accepted the fact when I broke the news to them about the Shuesters. I was terrified about the upcoming labour; I knew it was going to be painful, I knew my mother wasn't going to be there, and I knew that I was going to have a baby that I couldn't raise. But I didn't have a solution and was in way over my head, so I just left things be, hoping that somehow, everything would be solved. The impending birth grew bigger on the horizon and the feeling of dread also grew the more time went on.
Contractions started right after our Regionals competition for Glee. We all rushed to the hospital after the performance, my friends wheeling me along in a wheelchair at breakneck pace, screaming for help. They were all there, with the exception of Rachel, who opted to stay behind, lest we forfeit the competition by having no one present. In the birthing room I chose to have Mercedes present, a sign of gratitude for everything she had done for me over the previous months, as well as Puck, who I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to keep out, should I have tried. And an added bonus, my mother, who was there after Regionals with an apology and a hope of reconciliation, which I thankfully accepted.
"Quinnie, I want you to come home with me," was all it really took to have her back; I'd missed her too much to fight anymore and knowing that she'd kicked dad out of the house made the decision easier. He was the one who threw me out of the house to begin with.
I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl later that night, and as I held her in my arms, crying from the love which seemed to overflow from some place within me that I didn't have any idea existed, I knew that I had to do what I had to do to be sure that she would have a good life. And I knew that involved not being able to raise her myself. So she was put up for adoption.
Standing behind a glass wall, watching her sleep with Puck beside me was one of the saddest moments of my life. I knew then that this one of the few precious moments I would have to see her and I was trying to savour it. Puck's sigh when I said I didn't want to keep her told me again that he was against my decision to adopt her out, but I don't think he understood the responsibility of raising a child, even if he thought he did.
"She have a name?" Shelby Corcoran said, after refusing to answer my question as to why she was there. Shelby is Rachel's mother and also, the coach of our rival glee club, Vocal Adrenalin. She'd just appeared next to us, asking which one was our baby, with no explanation, no comments about Regionals, no anything, just a question: "Which one is yours?"
"No," I said, shaking my head a little and not taking my eyes of her.
"Beth," Puck replied, overriding my answer. I have to say, I agree with his choice. It was a beautiful name for a beautiful girl, inspired by music, which inspired us both. It seemed fitting, not to mention it being a much better idea than one of Finn's early ideas of "Drizzle".
"Pretty. I like that name," Shelby had commented, smiled and asked what we were going to do with her.
Over the next few days papers were signed and confirmed and Beth went home to begin her life with Shelby Corcoran. I think Rachel was a little disappointed in us for letting Shelby have Beth, but if truth be told, a part of me understood Shelby's actions of leaving Rachel without any contact; as a mother, I understood how hard it was for her to do that, so I didn't begrudge her for wanting to have a chance with a daughter - it's something I completely relate to, and probably will do myself in the future, although it most likely will be with a daughter that I bore, not one that I adopted. I knew Shelby would treat Beth the way she deserved to be treated; with the love of a mother who had too much love to give and no one to give it to. Rachel might not understand, but Rachel has not ever been a mother; perhaps one day, when she too experiences the ups and downs of pregnancy and realises the full responsibility of being a parent, she too will come to accept the things which transpired between her and her own mother as necessary.
I have seen neither Shelby nor Beth since, but sometimes I will receive a letter from the former, informing me of the latter's progress. I appreciate it, even if it reminds me of the relationship I am not having with my daughter. I pretend that I don't remember the pregnancy or the fact that I gave birth to a daughter, but it never truly leaves my mind, dear reader. On her first birthday, I lit a candle for Beth and sang her happy birthday, hoping that wherever she was, she would know that I didn't give her up out of spite or hate, but out of love, so that she may have the best life possible. Puck tried to force me into conversation about Beth the next day at school, but I gave him the cold shoulder; I couldn't bear to talk about it there where everyone was watching and there was the chance that I might break down in tears. Sometimes I think that the pregnancy should have brought us closer and that we should have bonded more over the loss of our daughter, but in truth, it didn't because I didn't let it. I didn't want to be able to have those conversations about Beth because of how much it hurt. Instead, I tried to force things back to the way they were before.
But there you go, reader, that is the story of my pregnancy. You now know of my daughter, and you know that I still love her. I wish I could tell her that myself, but as life goes, I cannot. At this very moment, I do not even know where she is; Shelby is quite the traveller. But as long as she is loved and is taught to love and be kind and compassionate, then I have nothing more to ask. Perhaps one day she and I will meet and I will be granted the chance to explain, but for now, I send her prayers and hope that she receives them.
A/N: so, there we go, Quinn on her pregnancy. This was quite hard to write, seeing as I've never been pregnant, and have never had to give up a child. What did you think?
I know not everything is explained, there was really too much to cover, and the most unexplained was the Rachel/Shelby scenario, which if you watch the show, you'll get anyway, but I'll probably do a chapter explaining things soon.