Rachel Berry. Where do even begin to describe Rachel Berry? Well, you already know some of what has transpired over the years between Ms Berry and I, but you know nothing in detail, I believe, and there has been quite a lot which has happened.
Rachel Berry was the outsider of the school, the girl with gay fathers, the strange girl who had a passion for musical theatre that no one except Kurt Hummel understood, although even that did not raise her appeal to be a friend in his eyes. She flaunted her talent whenever she could and by the time we reached sophomore year, there was not a single person in the entire student body of McKinley who had not heard her sing. If there was talent show, hers was the name at the top of the list, if there was a play, her name was on the list, if there was any chance at singing at all, even if that singing was carolling, that's right reader, her name was on the list, a gold star sticker next to it.
Gold stars are her signature; they seem to motivate her somehow. I think she believes that by putting a star next to her name that she will someday become one, as though it's a constant reminder both to herself and to others where she would like to be one day. I admire her for this, for her big dreams and her certainty. She pursues her career with a single minded determination, and the only time I have ever seen her falter in that pursuit is over a boy. Over Finn Hudson, to be more precise.
Oh, yes, I know what you're thinking: "but wasn't he your boyfriend?" But we've been over this have we not? Rachel liked Finn for most of the duration of our early high school years, and as we head into Senior year, it seems that her feelings for him will have lasted the entire four year span. I knew it, I always knew it when another girl was staring at my boyfriend, but I never imagined that anything would ever come of those stares, at least, until Finn joined Glee and all of a sudden, he and Rachel were spending copious amounts of time together, organising the team and motivating them to do better. And I felt Finn slipping away. I knew he was falling for Rachel, but I knew at the same time that he was deeply attached to me. Torn between two girls must have been unpleasant for him, and it seems he never really made up his mind either, because for two years he bounced between the two of us. Sometimes I wonder whether Rachel and I are the victims of Finn, rather than Finn being the victim of us.
The history of our love triangle goes a little as follows: Finn was dating me, but kissed Rachel one day in the auditorium. Finn realised he was wrong and didn't do it again, but Rachel kept up her pursuit of him. Sometimes I think she is incapable of simply letting things go and must always pursue the things she wants until she dies of exhaustion, but anyhow, I digress. Finn found out that I lied to him, and broke up with me. Soon afterwards, he and Rachel were dating, or at least that's what Rachel thought until Finn told her otherwise. However, Regionals occurs and Finn tells Rachel that he loves her, right before they go onstage. So goes Sophomore year. Junior year was as follows: Finn and Rachel are going strong, until lies are exposed, revenge is sought and a break up occurs. Rachel tries to get Finn back, apologising for her mistake, but Finn decides that he loves me. So, with Finn and I back together, we expect Rachel to back off - no such luck. But the more Rachel's pursuit of him goes on, the more Finn slips away again and eventually breaks it off with me, yet again, to be with her. She, in a rather unexpected move, rejects his advances in New York, and it isn't until we're back at school that their relationship begins all over again.
I can't help but think that the three of us are stuck in some vicious cycle, forever doomed to happen again and again and again. Repetitiveness is dull and for this reason, well, it is one of the reasons, I don't believe that Finn and I will date again. Even should he dump Rachel, I don't think I shall take him back; it was insensitive of him to call an end to our relationship at a funeral, after all. But the real reason is this: as much as he and I loved one another, we weren't suited. I was controlling and he was stupid and fumbling and let me take control all the time; there was no balance. It's true, we matured, and my controlling streak became a possessive streak which was no more healthy, and Finn started to stand up for himself a little more, it was maturity which, although good for ourselves, was no good for our relationship. I do believe that he and Rachel balance each other out a little more; for every grand dream Rachel has, Finn is there to ground her and make her remember where she is. She listens to him and he listens to her and cares about how she's feeling and they're both willing to make sacrifices for the other. Whether their relationship lasts beyond high school, I don't know; I'm in no position to make judgements on that, and really, it is not my place to say, anyhow. All I can say is that Rachel can have him.
It's strange that I say that now, when a little while ago, I would have said that Rachel and Jesse St James, one time rival Glee clubber from another team, Vocal Adrenalin, were perfect for each other, what with their ambition and single minded purpose towards fame. They once dated and it ended with Jesse breaking an egg upon her head. He did, however, take her to Prom; I don't think he truly regretted what he did to her, but I don't think his heart would have been in it at the time either - he did what he had to do to stay part of his team, that's something I understand. Perhaps in the end their diva ways are too much for each other; should anything more long term come out of their relationship, I'm sure it would end in a screaming match - or a sing off. Two competitive natures in the same relationship most likely would not have gone over too well, but then again, I could not say for sure; they possibly could have made it work.
I've not the slightest idea what is going to happen with Rachel and Finn in a year's time when Rachel decides that she is going to New York for college and Finn probably wants to stay in Ohio to be close to his mom, who, while married now to Mr Hummel, he has gotten used to fending for. Perhaps Rachel can convince Finn to move to New York with her, perhaps with the help of Kurt. Maybe they'll try a long distance relationship, but I doubt that would work for either of them; Finn will be too distrusting and Rachel is too high maintenance to be in a relationship with a boy who is not close at hand. Maybe they won't be in a relationship then, or maybe, and this is the most unlikely option of them all, maybe Rachel will stay in Ohio and attend college here. Whatever the case, it will not concern me at all.
For myself, while a lot of what happened between Finn and Rachel was my business, I've happily concluded that it is not anymore. I can let the two of them have their time without me hovering around Finn, trying to seduce him; in essence, I will do everything that Rachel could not bring herself to do. I will send them on their way at graduation with smiles and waves, thankful that I don't have to have the drama of their relationship in my life anymore.
That isn't to say that I dislike Rachel Berry, reader. She and I have built a strange relationship, consisting more of mutual respect than actual friendship. I am the only one in the school who tells Rachel how it is, without mollycoddling the girl and she always runs after me when I am hurt, much to my astonishment. There's a sense of trust between us with everything except Finn; when we aren't fighting over him, we can be quite friendly and supportive of each other.
For example, when Rachel went through the phase of wanting a nose job, it was I who sat in the doctor's surgery with her. Admittedly, she wanted my nose, which is the reason for my being there, and I sat there the majority of the time flicking through the magazines, but there was something about that day which drew us closer together in a way which no one else in Glee would understand. It wasn't the nose job itself which made us closer, it was the fact that Rachel wanted to be someone else, and she was willing to change her face to do so, which, I, having already done, completely understood. She convinced me to sing about the experience with her.
I Feel Pretty/Unpretty was sung in front of the entire Glee club, much to their shock; they didn't know Rachel and I could get along long enough to work on a song together, nor did they think that our voices would compliment the other's so well. I could see the shocked looks upon their faces when Rachel and I sat there on our stools, our pianist Brad playing along behind us and our voices filling the room. I spotted Santana's incredulous expression, Finn's confused one, Mr Shue's proud one and everyone else's appreciative expressions. I had some reserves about singing with Rachel, to be sure, but she convinced me.
"Please Quinn, you're the only one who understands enough to sing this song with me. I got the band to mash the two songs together and they sound amazing, but I can't sing it on my own. It needs your voice," she'd said.
"I can't believe it; Rachel Berry is admitting that she needs help singing a song."
"Well, it is a duet, Quinn. Besides, I think it will be a good chance for us to set aside our animosity, otherwise we won't have a chance at Nationals. What better way to bond than over song?"
"Why should I do this with you, Rachel? After all you've put Finn and I through?"
"I can't fight my feelings for him and I can't promise that I'm going to stay out of the way of you and Finn forever, but I'll try. Besides, I know you understand what I'm going through and I think this mash up will be a perfect mode of expression, for both of us. And you can't deny that you care because you did come with me to the surgeon and you are letting me model my new nose on yours. I just want to feel pretty, Quinn; I know you can understand that, even if you are a naturally beautiful girl, so I hope you'll consider my offer of singing this duet," Rachel had said and turned her back after thrusting the sheet music of the mash up into my hands.
Reader, I'm not an idiot, I know that part of Rachel's wanting my nose was because Finn was dating me and because she wanted to be dating him. I agreed to go to the doctor with her because I was certain she wouldn't go through with the procedure; I hoped that she wouldn't. I also knew that even agreeing to singing this song with her wouldn't cause her to stop flirting with my boyfriend, so I disregarded that promise. But she was right, I did know what she felt; mind, reader, that this was before the Lucy Caboosey revelation, so Rachel's words weren't meant to imply anything about that, but that's how I felt them. I knew exactly what it was like to want to be pretty, and I also knew that Rachel didn't need a nose job to be pretty; she already was, but after my own surgery, I was in no position to tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing in regard to their own bodies. So I ran down the hall after the short brunette girl, still holding that sheet music in my hands, pulled her to a stop by the arms and said yes.
It might sound silly, reader, but I felt honoured singing a duet with her. I know that one day I'll be able to look back at that moment, one day when Rachel is gracing the Broadway stages, and I'll be able to say "I sang with her". Working with her was a nightmare; she nitpicked every detail, forcing me to practice until we were both note perfect, before school, between classes, every afternoon. I spent far too much time with her that week, I tell you, my friend, and I was ready to kill the girl after the first few practices, but I do admit that I admire her dedication to her art. I thought it was just Finn that she forced that many practices upon for their duets, but it seems she is like that with everybody. Before long, we were back at each other's throats, but for those few moments when we were joined in song, it was glorious.
I suppose I do little things for her, like the matter with the nose job and singing the duet with her because they are my little ways of indirectly apologising to her for all the years of torture I subjected her to. I want to remember the Rachel Berry I met when I was 6, I want to go back to that time and tell her that in years to come I would be horrible to her, but that she should remember that I still cared about her and that I would never forget the friendship we struck up in that hospital ward. I do feel guilty for all of that, reader, and every time I do something for her, it is laced with guilt for those early high school years. I could have loved 6 year old Rachel Berry throughout our childhood as my best friend, and if I had had her, perhaps I would never have felt so insecure about myself and would never have been depressed. But as it stands, things did not proceed that way.
I considered asking her about that time in hospital while we were working together on the mash up, but I thought it would confuse her and hurt her feelings, so I swallowed the questions which threatened to spew forth from my lips and let it be. There was no need to cause her consternation or hurt. I let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. But I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have her know. Perhaps, one day, when I am sure that things are more stable between the two of us, I shall ask her. There is graduation looming on the horizon, after which I may never see her again, so perhaps then would be the perfect time to reveal to her that I was that girl she met all those years ago.
Glee club is not the only club in which the two of us belong; we are both members of the school's Celibacy club. Now I know what you're thinking: "the Celibacy club! But you've had sex! You admitted it!" and yes reader, I am guilty. Rachel is another matter; completely virginal, she refuses to have sex until she is at least 25, which, though an admirable proclamation, is not at all realistic. Just as she herself said the first time she joined Celibacy club: "girls want it as much as guys do," and seeing as those words left her mouth, I do believe that she has experienced some of those hormonal urges. If anything, as much as I believe she is strong willed, I don't think she is going to remain a virgin until she is 25.
As for me, well yes, there was Puck first, then Finn later and more recently. With Puck, it was a mistake - or a drunken choice, whichever way you see it - but with Finn it was completely intentional. It was, I suppose, dear reader, a way of cementing our relationship; I'd never had sex with him before, and I thought that perhaps if we did, then he would be less likely to run off with Rachel Berry, whom I know he was eyeing, even as we were dating. This was perhaps a silly reason, but at the same time, it wasn't the only one; what can I say, reader? I'm only human after all and like Rachel said, girls want it just as much as guys.
"Why then are you in the Celibacy club?" you may ask. Well, I must say that, like with some other things in my life, it is a matter of image and how I portray myself to people. The Celibacy club is something to settle the mind of my mother; while she knows I have had sex, with my falling pregnant and everything, she believes that after that experience that I would not do it again. So, I rejoined the Celibacy club, in an effort to sooth her worries, and she, fully believing that I am committed to abstinence from sex, had no idea that I was sleeping with my boyfriend in our house, in my bed, while she was at work. It helped greatly that I am the only other person living in our house; it meant there were no worries about my father or sister walking in on us, and while Finn may have jumped at the sound of a car horn, I knew that we ran no risk. It was a pleasant feeling, knowing that you didn't have to look over your shoulder every five seconds for fear of being caught.
You may be disgusted by this, dear reader, but to be honest, though I somewhat stupidly fear your judgement on most things, this is not one of them. Judge as you like, this is one life choice that I cannot regret. I have a right to do with my body as I wish, and while Finn was an awkward, and somewhat terrible lover, I was satisfied enough that I did not give it up. Now that he and I are no longer together, obviously I am not sleeping with anybody. And do not think that I am some 'easy girl', stranger, as you read these words, because I would not have sex with a man that I do not know very well. Finn and I dated for the majority of high school before we slept together, and while Puck and I may never have dated, he and I knew each other for at least two years previously. I need to build a trust with a man before I will let him near me in that way, I hope you understand that. So as it is, unless Finn and I get back together, which I have already told you, I am unwilling to do, or if Puck and I do, which is even less likely, then I will not be having sex for a while, and the Celibacy club shall therefore be relevant in my life.
Anyhow, reader, that is all that I have to say about both my sex life and Rachel Berry. While the latter may again re-emerge in later entries, I assure you that the former will not.
A/N: So, thoughts? Any at all?
I know there are hints of Faberry but it's not a line I'm going to pursue. Like the show it's all about the little moments which lead up to nothing between them. There's most likely going to be quite a bit more about Rachel later, because I didn't quite cover everything here.
Also, I'm thinking this story could have a sequel, although, not in diary form. It's still just a thought though. Gotta do one thing at a time!