Hindsight – chapter 3

Morgan raised his hand to knock on Reid's door. They'd barely spoken a word at work all week, and it was starting to distract the others as well as him. Fortunately they had the weekend off, so he decided to drop in on Reid. They could talk this out without the rest of the team watching.

It had been good advice Emily had given him over the phone, she probably knew them both better than the rest. Spencer was like a little brother to her, someone who shared her love of books and languages, and someone who she looked out for. He remembered the look on Reid's face the Monday morning after she left for London. He'd given into his dairy cravings and needed vitamins, looking through Emily's empty desk, in hope she left some, he found the note.

'Look in your bottom desk draw, Em x'

Reid had gone back to his side of the partition and there in his draw he found a full bottle of vitamins with another note attached.

'Again with the dairy? x'

"I love dairy," Spencer had mumbled popping one into his mouth, smiling at the fact she was still taking care of him even though she wasn't there.

And she still was. Despite her own discomfort at the phone conversation between herself and Morgan that followed his revelation, Emily had told him he needed to speak to Spencer. They had never really discussed what Morgan had felt in the months after her 'death', but she knew he blamed himself, just like Spencer was shouldering the blame for Maeve's death.

"When I came to you for advice on dealing with Reid, you urged me to tell him about what I experienced. That it would help him understand what I went through," she paused. "Maybe you should talk to him too."

He knocked again; still no answer. "Hey kid, I'm not leaving till we talk. I will wait until you answer the door." Morgan heard shuffling on the other side of the door. The door open and he saw Spencer, in his robe and pyjamas.

"I'm not in the mood to talk," the young doctor told him, shifting uncomfortably.

"Then why did you open the door?"

"Because I know you're stubborn enough to wait and impatient enough that you'll kick my door in if I don't answer." Spencer moved back into the apartment, leaving the door open for Morgan to follow. It was dark in there. The curtains were almost closed; only a slither of light coming in through their parting. Morgan shut the door behind him, and sat on the sofa next to Reid.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Morgan had told Emily he would talk to Reid, but he had no idea where to start. Luckily, he didn't have to, Reid spoke first.

"How did you deal with seconds thoughts after Emily was gone?"

Morgan flashed back to that night in the warehouse, Emily on the floor, wooden table leg protruding from her, blood everywhere. "I didn't. I concentrated on what she died for," he took a breath. "I had them, but I was focused on her legacy. I made sure Declan was protected.

"When she came back, that was when I dealt with the 'what ifs'. I didn't know if I could be in the field with her anymore, I requested that we do the take down training together. I needed to know how I would react in that situation again."

"Why didn't you tell her how you feel when she came back? You never told her that you-"

Morgan cut him off "I was angry that we'd been lied too. But that hadn't been her call; she was still unconscious when we were informed. I needed time to adjust to the fact she was back. I lost count of the amount of times that I stopped myself from reaching out to touch her, just to make sure she was there, not a figment of my imagination." Morgan looked at Spencer, he understood. "Every night Emily was gone I would have the dreams. She pulled through, and when she woke up in the hospital I would tell her, then she would kiss me. Every morning I would wake up, and remember she was gone."

Spencer nodded in agreement, having had similar dreams himself. He waited for Morgan to continue as he wasn't ready to share his own dreams.

"By the time I was ready to say something, thinking if she didn't feel the same at least she would know. I was absorbed in working up the nerve to talk to her about it that I didn't realise what she was going through. She wanted everything to click back into place after she came home, but she realised it couldn't. She needed to make a change before it drove her crazy." Morgan felt bad for telling Reid the things Emily had told him in confidence, but he knew Reid wouldn't repeat this to anyone, not even Emily.

"I knew something was wrong, and not wanting to repeat what happened last time; I confronted her at JJ's wedding. She admitted she had been thinking about leaving since coming back, and told me about the Interpol offer."

Spencer cleared his throat, gulping back the lump that had formed while his friend spoke. "You held her so close when you were dancing, as if she would disappear if you let go."

"I was scared, she was leaving, voluntarily." Spencer looked at him expectantly, waiting for the rest of the story. "But I realised I had a chance to say goodbye, or at least make sure she would keep in touch wherever she went. Everyone was leaving, you made sure Garcia got home, Hotch took Beth and Jack home, JJ and Will to the hotel her mother had arranged. After I helped you get Garcia in the cab," he paused, thinking of how tipsy their friend had been. "I turned back to Rossi's house, and she was hugging him goodbye, he whispered something in her ear and they both slightly turned towards me and she nodded back to him. As she was walking towards me I waved goodbye to him. She asked me to take her home."

Spencer held his breath, overwhelmed by Morgan sharing his experience with him. He was a very private person, and Spencer was grateful Morgan for trying to comfort him, that he was able to confide in him. Morgan needed to say this as much as Spencer needed to hear it. Despite his grief he was glad he was able to provide a safe place for his friend's confession.

"In the cab, Emily asked me to come in to talk, she wanted to explain."