Author note – this chapter touches a darker place. WARNING - Mentions drug use and suicide.

Hindsight – chapter 5

"I spent the rest of the night just holding her." Morgan stopped, not wanting to divulge the other kisses they shared, or the fact she snuggled into his chest when the alarm sounded in the morning and sleepily asked for five more minutes. He would never forget look in her eyes as she gazed up at from him from her spot on his chest.

"Morning," she whispered.

It took all of his will power to not roll them over and make love to her. There was no way he would have been able to let her go after that.

Reid sat back on the couch; he could feel the tears on his cheeks. "But Emily still went to London."

"I didn't kiss her to make her stay, I couldn't do that to her. I didn't want to ask her to stay only to have her regret it later," Morgan admitted, remembering the taste of her tears on his lips as they said goodbye at the airport. "We haven't spoken about it since. Everything happened quickly after she gave her resignation to Hotch, we never had any time to ourselves. And it's not the kind of conversation you have over the phone or through a webcam."

Reid was unsure of how to respond. They sat in silence, absorbed in their own thoughts, taking comfort that someone else understood.

After a while, Reid spoke.

"I'm sorry I told I was angry at you," he paused. "Thank you for sharing with me."

Morgan nodded his head in acknowledgment. "Did it help?"

Reid thought about it for a minute, recalling every word the older man had said. Spencer didn't reply, simply stood up and went to his kitchen. As he rummaged through a cupboard he heard Morgan follow him, and he started to explain. "You said you dealt with Emily's death by continuing what she started." Spencer found what he had been looking for. Holding the items in his hand, he contemplated them for a moment before handing them over to Morgan. "I would appreciate it if you could get rid of these for me."

Morgan looked down at the syringe and two vials of clear liquid. He looked up at his friend, realising what he had been planning.

"These are the only ones I have. I haven't been using, you can check for track marks if you like," Spencer told him. "I first contacted Maeve to seek help for my headaches. She was trying to find a solution for me." He took a breath before continuing. "She told me she loved me. I wouldn't be doing her legacy any justice by taking my own life."

Morgan nodded in agreement and went to flush the contents of the vials down the toilet and crushed them and the syringe with a loud stomp of his boot. He cleared the debris with the dust pan and brush he found, careful not to touch the glass with his hands. In the background he heard Spencer move about the apartment and shut his bedroom door. They both needed a few minutes to themselves.

By the time Reid emerged fully dressed from his bedroom, Morgan was back sat on the sofa, two coffees in front of him on the table. At some point the curtains had been opened and there was light in the room. He knew Morgan wanted him to elaborate.

Sitting down on the sofa, he leant forward to take a sip of his coffee. Putting his cup down, Reid rested his elbows on his knees. Staring out the window, he started to talk.

"We've all lost someone we love. Hotch lost Hayley, Rossi lost Carolyn, and you lost Emily. All of you dealt with it on your own, telling the rest of us that you were okay, and we accepted the lies because we knew you were grieving." He paused. "I wanted to keep everything associated with Maeve honest. Everyone would expect me to start feeling better, but the feelings that I have won't go away. If I had admitted this to anyone, they would have worried that I wasn't getting better. I didn't want to lie about her."

"So don't lie to me about your grief, tell me about her life."