"All rise for the honorable Judge Richard Bailey."
Alex gets to her feet, glancing around the courtroom and wishing she could see Olivia smiling at her from the gallery. She has to hold herself together, no matter how afraid she is. She has to stay strong. It's the only way she'll be able to get through this.
Alex recognizes the prosecutor sitting on the other side of the courtroom. He's not the same attorney who arraigned her – he's a senior prosecutor who is used to high-profile cases. Christopher Simmons. Alex has never liked him. She's always found him to be more interested in his own ego than the victims she works hard every day to protect. He's a good attorney – better than good, really – but he cares more about his win/loss ratio than justice. She's thankful that Liz is defending her – she knows Liz won't let Simmons put her away for a crime she didn't commit.
She hopes.
The judge sits. "You all may be seated but the accused." Everyone sits except Alex, who suddenly feels even more vulnerable than before. She can feel a million pairs of eyes on her, scrutinizing her, wondering if she really committed the heinous crime she's accused of. "The state of New York vs. Alexandra Cabot will begin today. Alexandra Cabot, you are charged with two counts of sexual abuse in the first degree. You have pled not guilty to these charges, correct?"
"Yes, Your Honor," Alex says, trying to keep the tremor from her voice.
"You may sit, Miss Cabot." Alex sits, carefully looking straight ahead and avoiding Liz's gaze, and Judge Bailey turns to the prosecutor. "We will begin with opening statements. Mr. Simmons, if you please."
"Thank you, Your Honor." Simmons rises from his seat and walks toward the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a heinous crime has been committed. An innocent six-year-old girl has been violated in the worst possible way by someone whose job is to uphold the law, not to break it. Someone whose job was to protect her, not to hurt her . . ."
Alex is barely listening to the words being said about her. She has to focus. She has to think. She can't let this get to her, and she needs to strategize. That's what she's good at, after all – figuring out loopholes, figuring out how to manipulate things to her advantage. If she shows emotion, if she gets upset, she loses, and she can't lose. Not this case, not Olivia, and not herself.
Serena reaches over and squeezes her arm, and Alex takes a deep breath to calm herself. With or without Olivia, she can do this. She's Alex Cabot, and she's strong enough. She has to be.
Liz gets up to make her opening statement, but Alex's mind is racing, not taking in anything Liz says. She tries to transport herself to a better place, a safer place. She pretends she's back in Olivia's arms, cuddling with her girlfriend in their bed and drifting off to sleep, snug in Olivia's embrace. In just a few short hours, she'll be back home, and the thought sustains her.
Liz sits down beside her and Serena leans over to ask Alex, "Are you okay?"
Alex nods and tries to focus. The prosecution has just called their first witness – Ms. Bradley. She sits down and states her name and address for the record.
Simmons steps up to question her. "Ms. Bradley, can you walk us through the events of May 2, 2002?"
Ms. Bradley explains how she was walking past the conference room and heard Lauren crying, then went in to see what was wrong. She tells the same story she's told several times before, and Alex tries to remain impassive as she listens. She wants to jump to her feet and scream that Ms. Bradley doesn't know what she's talking about, that she hasn't hurt – that she would never hurt – Lauren, or any child, ever. But she has to stay composed.
Simmons asks a few questions about Ms. Bradley's relationship with Lauren, then says, "Nothing further."
Liz approaches the witness stand. "Ms. Bradley, did you actually see Ms. Cabot touch Lauren in any way?"
The teacher hesitates. "No, but –"
"And your testimony is that Lauren disclosed to you that Ms. Cabot had molested her?"
"Yes."
"What exact words did she use?"
"She said, 'Alex touched me under my skirt'."
"Has Lauren ever made any allegations of this nature in the past?"
"No."
"Has she always been entirely candid with you?"
"Yes."
"Has she ever told you something that wasn't true in the past? Something she imagined or made up?"
Ms. Bradley smiles tightly. "She's six years old."
"Exactly."
"Six year olds don't usually make up claims of child abuse."
"But Lauren didn't specifically describe any kind of abuse to you, did she?"
"No, but –"
Liz raises her hand. "Nothing further."
Alex feels her heart pounding in her chest as Liz sits down beside her. Her head is spinning, and she grips the tabletop tightly in an attempt to anchor herself, to keep herself grounded. She feels like she's going to faint. There's no way out of this – either Lauren's credibility is going to be destroyed, to the point that when she makes an allegation against her stepfather, she won't be believed, or Alex is going to go to jail for a crime she didn't commit. And she fears it's going to be the latter.
She needs to be in Olivia's arms, with Olivia holding her and reassuring her that she loves her, and that she'll be there for as long as she can be. Although Olivia would say it's too early to tell, there's a sinking feeling in Alex's stomach that tells her that she's going to be convicted for this, that she's going to jail, that she's not going to see Olivia for a long time, and she doesn't want to waste a moment. She needs to be with Olivia while she still can.
Liz can feel Alex trembling beside her and glances at her. Alex's face is completely white and she looks like she's about to pass out. She quickly stands. "Your Honor, the defense requests a short recess."
The judge peers at her over his glasses. "Ms. Donnelly, we'll be breaking for lunch in an hour."
Liz looks at Alex again. Liz can tell she's close to her breaking point. "Your Honor, may I approach?"
Judge Bailey sighs and gestures for the lawyers to approach.
"My client needs a break," Liz says in an undertone. "She's not feeling well today and she needs some air."
"Guilt can do that to you," Simmons says.
Liz glares at him. "She needs a short break."
The judge sighs again. "Ms. Southerlyn, why don't you go get your client a glass of water? We'll have a recess in an hour."
Serena nods and the lawyers sit down again.
Another witness is called, but Alex isn't paying attention. Her head is swimming, and she shakes it to clear it. Olivia! she screams in her head, clamping her lips shut so as not to verbalize the thought. Olivia, Olivia, Olivia . . .
Serena steps out of the courtroom and nearly bumps into Olivia, who is leaning against the wall beside the door. "How is she?" Olivia asks anxiously.
Serena shrugs, debating whether or not to tell Olivia the truth. "She's not doing too well," she finally says. "I'm going to grab her a drink of water."
Olivia closes her eyes and counts to ten. "I need to be in there with her."
"I know, Liv, but trust me, she's in good hands."
"No, she needs me. And – and I need her."
Serena sighs. "I'm sorry, Liv. But you can see her at lunch, in an hour."
Olivia sighs too and brushes a hand through her hair. "Okay."
Alex feels a hand on her shoulder and Serena presses a glass of water into her hand. "Drink this," she says quietly, and Alex brings the glass to her lips, obediently taking a sip.
Alex looks up, her eyes suddenly hyper-focusing on Serena's. "Did you see –?"
"Shh. Yeah, I did. She's fine."
Alex nods and has some more water. It seems to calm her slightly. "Thanks, Serena."
Serena isn't sure if Alex is thanking her for the water or for telling her about Olivia, but she nods anyway. "No problem." She sits down on Liz's other side.
Alex takes another sip of water and tries to keep her mind on her trial. Some psychologist is speaking – Alex isn't sure why; she must have missed that part. ". . . hyper-vigilance, changes in eating and sleeping habits, change in school performance, and regressive behavior."
"And how much time have you spent with Lauren Davis and her family?" Simmons asks.
"I've spoken to her for several hours on three occasions and spoken with her parents at length."
"And to your knowledge, has she exhibited any of these behaviors?"
"Yes, most of them, in fact."
"And is this unusual?"
"No. For children her age that have been sexually abused, many of these behaviors are common."
"Thank you, Dr. Jacobs," Simmons says. "Nothing further."
Alex's chest feels as if it's caving in, and she struggles to breathe. Dimly, she recognizes that she's having a panic attack. This is a no-win situation, for her and for Lauren, and she knows that there isn't anything she can do to help the little girl. She's failed, and Olivia isn't even here to tell her otherwise.
Finally, the judge calls a recess. "We'll break for lunch and be back in one hour," he says.
Alex feels as though she's in a daze as Serena helps her to her feet and guides her toward the door.
Olivia's waiting for them and immediately wraps her arms around Alex, holding her close and sheltering her with strong arms from the crowd of onlookers that has gathered. She presses a kiss to the crown of Alex's head, not even caring about their audience. "Come on, baby," she says quietly. "Let's go to one of the lawyers' rooms."
There are several rooms within the courthouse for lawyers only that are well supplied with coffee and vending machines, and Alex will be safe from the mob there. Olivia will do what she can to protect Alex while she still has the chance, futile as it may be. In her heart, she fears that this is going to be over before it even begins.
She takes Alex's hand, finding it cold and clammy. She feels Alex trembling and gently turns her around, wrapping an arm around Alex's shoulder to steady her and keeping a tight grip on her hand as she leads her toward the opposite end of the courthouse, Liz and Serena at her heels.
Alex is silent except for a few quiet whimpers as she lets Olivia take her to the lawyers' room where they are going to eat lunch.
Olivia sits Alex down on a couch that looks as though it's a hundred years old and lowers herself down beside her. She takes Alex's hands and holds her gaze. "Princess, what's wrong? What happened? Talk to me."
"I'm going to go to jail," Alex finally says, in a quiet but level voice.
"Baby, no," Olivia says, even though Alex has voices her own fears. "The trial hasn't even really started yet – you haven't presented your evidence – Lauren hasn't even –"
"It doesn't matter. I'm going to jail."
"No, Alex. You didn't do it."
Alex shrugs and looks away from Olivia. "Even if I don't go to jail, Lauren's stuck with her stepfather. Either they believe that I hurt her or they believe that she's a disturbed child who doesn't even know what happened to her and that all of her allegations, including the ones against Anderson, are false." But despite herself, she feels herself starting to calm in Olivia's presence. Olivia always has that effect on her.
"Sweetheart, don't think about Lauren. We'll take care of her. You just focus on you, okay?" Olivia pulls Alex into a warm hug, holding her tightly and rubbing her back until she feels Alex relax in her arms. She kisses Alex's forehead and pulls back slightly, gazing into Alex's baby blues and tucking a strand of silky blonde hair behind her ear. "Let's have something to eat. I got you a sandwich."
Alex tries to force down her lunch, but even with Olivia holding her and gently stroking her hair, she can't stomach more than two bites. Olivia doesn't push her to eat anything more and holds Alex until Liz tells them it's time to go back in.
Alex clings to Olivia, not wanting to return to the courtroom, or be separated from Olivia. She has to admit that she's afraid, and she wants to prolong this for as long as she can.
"Alex," Serena says quietly, "come on." She holds her hand out to Alex.
"It's okay, baby," Olivia says, pressing a kiss to Alex's temple. "I'll see you in a few hours."
Alex bites her lip, but nods obediently and takes Serena's hand, allowing her friend to help her to her feet. She mutely follows Serena and Liz back into the courtroom and starts toward the prosecution table before Serena takes her arm and shakes her head slightly. Alex flushes. Instinctively, she's moved toward the prosecution table, but now she's been reminded of her place, and she ducks her head in shame as she sits down at the defense table. Serena squeezes her hand, but it's not enough. What Alex really needs is Olivia, and she's sure that a month from now, she won't even have that.