Insecurity
Shikamaru internally sighed at Naruto haggard state. His azure eyes were open, though Shikamaru could tell he wanted to close them. Naruto's grip around his pen as he scribbled his signature was tight, and his stare was hard and angry. Something had happened to him for sure, the lazy genius concluded. He cleared his throat.
Naruto acknowledged him with a grunt, his hand finally stopping. Naruto flexed his fingers, relieving the ache caused by hour of writing.
"This year's graduating class is the lowest that ever been. Two students, but that's not an issue since we have a surplus of veteran and elite shinobi, even though we recieved twenty requests for retirement last week- which by the way you still need to approve," Shikamaru said, eyes scanning the papers in his hand.
Naruto's brows creased as he leaned forwards on hid desk. Didn't he approve of a dozen retirement requests just a few days ago?
"Seems like less people are interested in becoming a ninja in these peaceful times. It's more of a niche occupation now. The mortality rate for a shinobi is all time high, all thanks to the alliance."
Of course. Naruto remembered how becoming a shinobi was naturally expected; to fail was unthinkable. Even those who did not graduate were drafted into the Konoha's reserves, consisting of ninja with basic combat skills. The youngsters of the Hidden Leaf now had the choice that the older generation did not. The chance to enjoy their childhood with families; the chance Naruto never had. The feeling filled Naruto with a sense of pride, to know that the next generation will not have to suffer the ravages of war.
"Lord Kazekage has agreed to the meeting to review the current gold trade deals, but has postponed it until next month. He send his apologies."
This was the second time the meeting was delayed. The civil council were up his ass about the skyrocketing prices. Naruto made a mental note to call Gaara personally.
"Also, you haven't decided on the representative to attend the official opening of the children's clinic in thee Village of the Hidden Waterfall next week. They need an answer as soon as possible."
"Sakura," Naruto immediately replied, waving his hand dismissively.
"She'll be in the Land of Bears, talking to contractors about setting up a clinic in the Village Hidden in the Stars."
An irascible expression sharpened his features at he shot an irritated glance at Shikamaru. Why couldn't his own friend tell him that herself?
"She gave you three month's notice," he said, reading his look easily. Shikamaru could quickly differentiate the meaning between Naruto's different annoyed looks. It was a skill he picked up fast working alongside his old friend and now superior.
Naruto frowned. She did? He racked his brains, but couldn't remember. Hell, he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast yesterday. Did he eat breakfast? Or did he skip family breakfast again? Come to think of it, Hinata doesn't mention anything about breakfast anymore. Did she still make him breakfast in the morning? Why the fuck was he so bothered about breakfast?
As if on cue, Naruto's stomach rumbled loudly. Shikamaru paused, waiting for the noise to stop before continuing the morning announcements.
"It's also time to appoint a new council member since the court charged the old one with corruption. It's a pretty popular post," Shikamaru remarked, flipping several papers over, "you have over three hundred applications to look at, not counting the ones that came through today. You'll be glad to know the deadline for the position is tomorrow."
Naruto held back a sigh. "Is that all?"
"For now," Shikamaru remarked with a hint of amusement that Naruto did not appreciate.
"That list was longer than yesterday."
Another all-nighter was looming in the foreseeable future. Another night he'd quietly walk into his home like he was doing something wrong. Or another argument that meant he'd be sleeping on the sofa again.
"What's wrong?" Shikamaru finally asked, seating himself across Naruto.
"I am..." Naruto dropped his pen on the paper he was signing.
So exhausted he could barely wake up? Exhausted of how the repetitive and dull the work is? Exhausted of the arguments he's had with the love of his life? Exhausted from the pressure of having his face carved in the rocks with the previous hokages? Even Kurama couldn't eradicate the mounting exhaustion crushing him. This wasn't the kind of tiredness that would go away with a long night sleep. It wasn't an ache that would go away after spending a few days at the hospital. Naruto didn't know the cure to this mental exhaustion eating away at his sanity.
He didn't mind his job as the hokage. Hell, it was his dream from the very beginning. He vowed to protect the people, and he wouldn't go back on his word. But Naruto couldn't help angry thoughts that climbed out of the crevasses in his mind. Thoughts that pulled him down memory lane and reminded him of good times.
An enclosed office was nothing like the exciting smell of adventure in the open world, the thrill of the unknown, the shock of the unexpected, the anticipation of a battle, the eagerness to test your limits. And on days were he wasn't assigned a mission, he'd have time for leisurely strolls in the park, picnic dates with Hinata, gaming nights with the boys, or hanging out the the bath house. He'd visit Pervy Sage's memorial, pay respects to the fallen shinobi, put flowers down in his parent's mausoleum. Naruto remembered the late nights at Ichiraku's, telling Ayame and Teuchi all about his mission (and careful to not to blurt classified information).
"I'm just tired."
"I've seen you tired, this ain't it."
"I can handle it, alright!" Naruto retorted, glaring at him. He glare faltered as Shikamaru's surprise. He didn't mean to lash out.
"Don't be a drag. What's wrong?"
Naruto sighed, sinking in his chair. "I didn't think it'd be like this. I mean growing up, Old Man Hokage still had time to meet me, Granny Tsunade still went drinking at some nights, and Kakashi-sensei made it look easy."
"None of those people had a young family, Naruto. It wasn't a possibility at the time. But you? You have Boruto, Himawari and even adopted Kawaki. I'm guessing there's trouble in paradise?"
"Something like that," Naruto grumbled.
"Words of wisdom, even if she's wrong, she's right. Trust me, agreeing saves a whole lot of headache."
"But what if she's not wrong?"
"What did Hinata say?"
"That I never spend time with them."
"That's true," Shikamaru said without skipping a beat, nodding his head in agreement.
Disbelief washed over Naruto's expression at his advisor's instantaneous response.
"Hey, you're not gonna back me up? I bet Sasuke would have."
"Sasuke can barely remember what his daughter looks like. I'd be surprised if he even remembers he has a child with Sakura."
Naruto conceded. It had been three years since he last met Sasuke in person, and even longer since Sakura saw her husband.
"He's been busy." Naruto felt the need to defend his friend.
"Look, as a friend I'm telling you that you chose this job, the job you've wanted since we were at the academy. It's up to you to find that work-life balance."
"I know, I know," Naruto muttered. "I just want to give my children the life I never had, y'know?"
"Kids are going to remember the memories you make with them. Remember that."
"And I can't blame Hinata," Naruto continued dismally, "I hardly see her anymore. I swear we saw each other more when Granny Tsunade assigned us long-term missions."
"When was the last time you had ?"
There was a pregnant pause. Shikamaru failed at stifling his chuckle, the sound breaking the silence.
"No wonder your in such a bad mood these days," he commented, mirth clear in his dark eyes.
"We're going through a rough patch," Naruto stated gruffly.
"Yeah, one drier than the Village Hidden in the Sand."
"Maybe if you stop piling these fucking papers on my desk, I'd have some time."
"Don't blame me, I'm just doing my job."
"I know... you're right," he admitted glumly.
"Listen, you need to take Hinata out. Some place sentimental that you know she'd love."
Naruto tapped his chin in thought. A grin blossomed as the answer popped into his mind. "Ichiraku's!"
"Ichiraku's?" Shikamaru repeated skeptically.
"We had our first date there." Naruto smiled fondly at the memory.
"Sure, Lord Seventh and his wife at the most popular restaurant in all of Konoha, you'll have all the privacy in the world."
Naruto shrugged nonchalantly, undeterred by the sarcastic tone. "I'll rent the whole place out."
Shikamaru stared at Naruto's smugness. Once his surprise subsided, he shook his head. "I can't get used to you saying stuff like that."
"Perks of the job," he smirked.
"But first, you gotta make sure this paperwork gets done," Shikamaru said, pointing to the stack on his desk. "And I have more in my office."
Naruto took a deep sigh. Despite the workload, his date with his wife lifted his smile. It would take a whie, but Naruto was certain he'd see Hinata tonight. An almost childish excitement bubbled inside him at the thought of the two alone. He blamed life's mundane responsibilities. He couldn't wait to ask Hinata.
Shikamaru was surprised to see Naruto clocking out early. The Nara couldn't vanquish the suspicious behaviour, so he went too check the hokage's office. Lo and behold, there was not a single piece of paper on his desk. His smile had a michevious edge. It was no surprise what motivated Naruto to finish his work so quickly.
However, when Naruto arrived home, Hinata was no where to be seen. He double checked all the rooms, only to find Himiwari sleeping with her beloved stuffed toy, and Boruto snoring, his limbs outstetched haphazardly over his blanket, and Kakawi as sleeping soundly in his room with his bedside lamp dimly lit. Naruto slowly shut the door, despondent.
He returned to his bedroom and sat on the matress he hadn't felt in days. His spine had missed to soft material so much that Naruto didn't have a moment to dwell on his frustration. His head fell back on the pillow and as he closed his eyes, slumber engulfed him and the relentless exhaustion seeped out of his every pore.
At least he remembered to turn the light off.
"I yelled at Sarada," Sakura disclosed, "I know she's just curious about Sasuke. It natural to want to know your dad, I get it, but sometimes it's like she's questioning our marriage!" Sakura lamented, her miserable expression reflecting in the orange hue of her beer. "I was so angry that I screamed at Sasuke's photo for not visiting us more. Do you think I'm losing it?"
Mellow jazz flowed in the quiet bar. It was a far cry from the wild days of their youth. The three mothers sat around the table, a drink in hand. Much of their lives centred around their husbands and children, leaving a fraction of their time for themselves. There was a dire need for a social drink with like-minded people, and for Hinata, she found herself looking forward to spending time with her friends... and the alcohol. If Naruto was always late home, surely she deserved one too?
"So now we're talking about husbands?" Ino groaned. Her face were bright red from the third beer she almost finished. "We all have arguments with our spouses, right Hinata?"
"We don't argue... that much," Hinata replied, the lie slipped through her teeth.
She took a sip of the cocktail, the fruity burning sensation sliding down her throat. It wasn't often she drank, but felt that the taste of numbness was long overdue and gratefully welcomed.
"Your marriage is perfect," Sakura said, envy dripping from her tone. It was a confession she'd never openly admit were she sober. Hinata was a lucky wife, while Sakura struggled to balance her professional job and her home life. Torn between the two, somedays she felt like a horrible mother, and other times, an incompetant doctor.
"I know Sasuke has his duties, but I wish he'd he there more for Sarada like Naruto is there for Boruto and Himawari and he's the freaking hokage! I don't know how I can go on like this, and with all these clinics I'm handling, I'm considering leaving the hospital, but Shizune's begged me not to quit."
"Yeah, I bet its paradise on Earth marrying the Hokage," Ino said, nudging Hinata with a sly smile. Her face fell as she sighed, a pout forming on her face. "Sai's been getting more missions lately and I don't get to see him for a good few months. Inojin finds it harder than me... he really misses his dad."
Ino burst into tears, babbling about how much she missed Sai. Sakura gave a comforting pat to her blonde friend, subtly pushing away the fourth glass of beer away. Ino was more of an emotional drunk these days. Her party animals days were left long behind.
Hinata couldn't take it. "All marriages have problems," she proclaimed bitterly, downing her entire glass in one gulp.
Ino stopped weeping, almost glaring at the Hokage's wife. "Yeah? Well, what problems do you have with your perfect life?"
Sakura glanced at Hinata curiously as she and Ino waited for her response.
'I see my husband twice a week at most, and most of the time it's just a shadow clone. Whenever the real one gets home, he's extremely tired and passes out on the couch without speaking much to me or our children. He doesn't even eat meals that I spend hours preparing for him! He completely ignores us and yet, loves literally every other person in all of Konoha just as much as us or even more. But because of how I am, I'll can't argue with him. Any time I complain, he shuts me down with the same excuses, so technically no, we don't have many arguments. But if I don't take a stand, what kind of dysfunctional family am I enabling?'
Instead of uttering what she really wanted to, lambasting her husband to her friends, Hinata bit her tongue and held back the barrage of exasperation that wanted to tumble out desperately. It wasn't the Hyuga way to air your dirty laundry; it was to deal with the matter privately and directly with the person. Though she married into the Uzumaki clan, her blood was Hyuga. Hiding her deepest frustration behind a calm mask of nobility, Hinata wiped her mouth with a tissue, patting it carefully. She knew full well her audience was impatiently waiting for to hear her answer.
"Perfection cannot exist without imperfection, however if there is imperfection, then true perfection doesn't exist at all. All I'm saying is that there's no such thing as perfect marriage," she decided pragmatically, "I think marriage problems are common, more so than others."
Ino was a pile of tears again, leaning over the table as she sobbed. Sakura raised a quizzical brow at Hinata. Unlike her and Ino, Hinata didn't complain much about life's inconveniences, whether they were big or small. Sakura assumed the alcohol might let loose a few serets, but no such thing ever happened. Hinata was a typical Hyuga in that sense. Calm, collected and reserved. Observant and discreet.
But tonight, Sakura saw a crack in her mask. She saw a glimpse of resentment in her grey eyes and the make-up plastered thickly over her eye-bags told a similar unhappy tale. Her smile was out of politeness, maybe even out of necessity to avoid people's worries about her. Sakura was always intuitive and Hinata's polished demeanor was slipping.
"Hinata, you've always been there for me when I'm upset. If you need someone to talk to I'm always here."
The Hokage's wife pasted a smile at Sakura's concern. "Thank you, Sakura. But I think it's time for me to head home."
"I'll drop Ino off home. I'll see you tomorrow."
Hinata unlocked the door of her home. She didn't bother to switch on the light as she hung her coat on the hook, missing Naruto's white cloak next to it. She went to the bathroom. The bright light of the bathroom highlighted her every blemish. Hinata stared at herself in the mirror. The make-up around her eyes dried up, giving a unnatural powdery look. Her facial lines were deep ridges around her mouth, poking out of the corner of her eyes. And her beautiful, powerful eyes, lifelessly stared back.
Aging was a normal process... so why did she feel so ugly? Was that why Naruto didn't care whether he saw her or not? Was he no longer attracted to her?
Hot tears dripped down her artificial pink cheeks (she could remember the time when a red blush would easily creep up on her face at the mere thought of Naruto). Hinata squeezed her eyes shut and slapped on a handful of freezing water. Once wasn't enough. Hinata's gasped at the frigid temperature, unable to hold it in after the fifth splash of water. She looked back the mirror: a brutal mistake.
The foundation melted, revealing ghostly white skin. Hinata visciously wiped away the mascara that dripped down in lines, only to spread in around in messy black splotches. The humidity of the summer night frizzed her straight hair into incongrous coils. Hinata refused to frown and deepen the craters on her skin. But her chin wobbled. The whiteness of her eyes were red, filling with a new batch of tears, her throat was dry and scratchy, and there was a tightening sensation in her chest.
She collapsed beside the toilet, muffling her crying with her hands clasped over her mouth. Hinata could not risk waking Himawari, or worse, the little girl finding her mother in tears again. Hinata didn't know what excuse this time to tell the girl if she did. Hot tears trailed over her hands and soaked her dress. Hinata's petite body shook in silent sobs, an anguish she did not know how to express.
'Is this what a perfect marriage looks like, Ino?' Hinata thought wryly.
When the ache of sleep and the thought of bed conquered her sadness, Hinata washed her face again. She walked to her bedroom in an exhausted stupor. She didn't bother to switch on the light, as she entered her room. She fell onto the matress, slipping under the duvet as she rested her head on her favourite side of the bed.
Light snoring cracked the silence she had become accustomed to. Though she frowned at the strange noise, Hinata didn't open her eyes to investigate. The noise was an hallucination created by the alcohol in her system. The faint smell of Naruto's aftershave was a figment of her desperation. The sturdy body that curled around her conjured by her imagination, and the heavy arm that wrapped around her waist was proof that she was now dreaming.
Her fingers subconciously enclosed around the hand on her waist, and Hinata could have sworn she felt the gentlest cuddle. A warm hold that felt painfully real.
A/N: ...I know its been long, I didn't mean to update four months later. It won't happen again... sorry!
I think insecurity is a natural reaction if a partner isn't having their needs met in a relationship. A lack of proper communication may also lead to such issues. People have a lot of pressure to keep up a perfect image of their life even if they're really strugglinh. That's common on social media.
I see a lot of stories about young Naruhina, but I think it's more interesting to explore the marital problems in a realistic light (without making it seem like the only solution to marriage problems is cheating like some stories).
Ah, of course the important reminder: please review! Why? I love to hear your thoughts and opinions, and it is the best fuel for any author to get feedback from you, even if it happens to be constructive criticism!