A/N : Sorry this update took a while. Had problems with my laptop and no time to write till I sorted it but its all good now. Hope you all like this update. It's still filled with angst and unhappiness at this stage but I promise there will be a happy ending!

Maura watched Jane go and felt as if her world were falling in on itself. She wanted to run after her, but what then? What could she say or do to make everything better? She'd kissed Jane; they'd kissed each other. Could she really risk losing the best friend, the only true friend, she'd ever had over something that might not work out? She was in love with Jane, completely, but she knew love wasn't a guarantee of anything. Friendship was a much more stable relationship than love and though she'd dreamed about being with Jane now that the chance was there she was terrified. She needed time to think.

Slowly walking back to her car she got inside started to drive home. Half way there she had to pull over when she could no longer control the tears.

Walking into her apartment, feeling numb, Jane kicked off her shoes, stripped off her dress and went into the bathroom. Turning on the shower she waited while the water warmed up. Once ready she stepped inside and began scrubbing her skin.

What if I ruined everything? I never should have kissed her, but God she looked so beautiful standing there like that. I should have stopped myself! I should have thought about it more! Why did I have to act so damn impulsively? Things will never be the same between us. I can see it now. We'll avoid each other tomorrow, on Monday things will be strictly business at work. Maybe at the end of the day or on Tuesday we'll finally talk. We'll tell each other nothing has to change and to just forget it ever happened… but then we'll start seeing less and less of each other, we'll avoid each other, we'll ignore each other's calls, make ridiculous excuses about why we can't spend time together and eventually we'll just stop making the effort altogether. In time I'll completely lose her but I'll still have to see her at work. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?

Jane stopped what she was doing as her heart froze at the idea of losing Maura Isles. How could she survive losing someone who was so ingrained in her heart? Finally the tears came and she didn't try to stop them as she slid down the shower wall; the water pouring down on her like rain.

Things progressed exactly as Jane had predicted they would. Sunday they didn't speak, and now it was Monday. They'd been at work for most of the day already and the two women had managed to avoid each other. Jane sent Frost down to the morgue if she needed information and Maura didn't come up to the bullpen. If Korsak and Frost noticed the distance between the two women they didn't say anything. Jane was doing some last minute paperwork at her desk when she heard the familiar click of heels on the floor as Maura approached. Breathing slowly and deeply she tried to ready herself for what she knew was coming.

"Jane. Can we talk?"

"Sure, about what?" Jane replied, trying to sound nonchalant but failing and sounding strained instead. She didn't look up.

"In private?" Maura requested softly.

Jane glanced over at Korsak and Frost who tried to pretend to be busy but were obviously listening to every word.

"Ok. Just let me finish this and I'll come down in five."

"Thank you."

Jane never looked at Maura as she listened to the retreating steps and tried not to take a deep breath of the lingering scent she used to find so comforting but now found only hurt. That scent would always be a constant reminder of what she was losing.

"Jane," Korsak said softly, "I don't know what's going on between you two but it's been obvious today that something's wrong. If you want to-."

"I appreciate the offer, Korsak, but it's just a difference of opinion that will sort itself out," Jane cut him off getting out of her chair, grabbing her jacket and heading out of the bullpen.

She really did not want to have to explain anything to them right now but she knew at some stage she'd have to tell them something. They would wonder what the hell happened between the two women that had been so terrible it caused their friendship to end. Entering the elevator Jane considered briefly just leaving and not seeing the M.E, but she knew that was only delaying the inevitable and part of her just wanted to get it over and done with so she could try to somehow go on with her life. She hit the button for the morgue and tried not to think about what she had to do.

Maura fidgeted with the large ring on her finger as she waited for Jane. All day Sunday she fought the urge to contact the dark haired woman, instead she spent the time thinking about what she wanted. Kissing Jane that night had felt so right; she didn't want to go the rest of her life without ever feeling that again. So she decided she would explain her fears to Jane, explain what had happened at college and see where they could go from there. She felt sure that as long as Jane knew the truth and was willing to help her, there was no reason this love didn't deserve a chance. And after that kiss I know Jane loves me, the emotion in her eyes said it all.

Hearing the morgue doors open she took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart. A few seconds later Jane was entering her office, standing in front of her desk. Maura's anxiety raised a level when Jane didn't bother to sit down and another level when she noticed the detective looking like she'd rather be anywhere but where she was.

"I wanted to talk about Saturday night, about what happened after dinner," Maura clarified.

"I didn't think you were talking about the wine list," Jane retorted, her sarcastic defence mechanism kicking it as it always did when she was hurt. Taking a deep breath she ran her fingers through her hair and looked at the M.E., she had to do this now. Just get it over and done with like ripping a band aid off. "Listen Maura, I was thinking about what you said that night, about how it was a mistake and you're right. It was a mistake. A huge mistake! I wasn't thinking right at the time, so I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable and causing any problems between us. I'm happy to just go back to how we were before that happened."

Maura felt physically ill. Her abdominal muscles were starting to contract and her blood pressure was falling. Swallowing convulsively she tried to breathe deeply through her nose.

"Maura?"

Looking up from the desk at which she'd only just realized she was staring at she saw Jane looking at her expectantly.

"Yes?"

"Are you ok? You look a bit… green around the edges."

Maura tried to smile at the comment, but couldn't be bothered to come back with one of her statements about how that wasn't physically possible. She was too busy trying not to let the feelings of loss overwhelm her. Maura knew this was all her fault. Her reaction that night hurt Jane too deeply and now Jane had obviously decided trying to love her wasn't worth the risk. That she wasn't worth the risk. Their love just wasn't enough for either one of them to overcome their fears.

"I'm fine," she replied after a minute, looking at Jane but avoiding her eyes, "and of course you're right. After all it was just a kiss."

"Exactly," Jane agreed, "ok then I'll see you later." She said before she turned around and left.

Maura watched her go, feeling as if part of her heart had walked out with the brunette. Maybe she should be grateful it hadn't gone further than a kiss. But then why did it hurt far more than when Victoria had walked out on her? She and Victoria had shared a lot more physically than just a kiss. "Because I'm more in love with Jane than I knew was possible," she heard herself whisper into the empty room. That's why it felt as though her cardiac muscle was being dissected with a blunt scalpel. This was precisely why she tried to avoid any possibility of a relationship with the dark detective; she'd wanted desperately to avoid feeling like this.

Yet here she was anyway. Sighing she lay her head in her hands, frustrated, scared, angry, sad and at a complete loss as to what to do to get over a failed relationship that hadn't even really existed.

As soon as Jane was out of Maura's sight she leaned against the nearest wall for support. That had been the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life, but at least this way she hoped she wouldn't lose Maura completely and maybe with time things would go back to how they were before, though in reality she knew she was probably kidding herself. She'd spent all of Sunday deciding what to do and with how Maura had reacted after her initial enthusiasm, the look of fear and regret in her eyes; Jane figured this would be the best course of action even if it was tearing her up inside.

The next few weeks passed quickly. A big case took up most of their time and for almost a week Maura was out of town on business at Quantico helping the FBI again. When Maura returned the two women went out for drinks at the Dirty Robber, but the conversation was stilted and awkward. Everything had changed, just as Jane feared it would. She felt as if she had to sensor everything she said and she stopped touching Maura altogether for fear it would be taken the wrong way. Maura in turn stopped trying to joke around with her and kept her physical distance. Jane felt as if she'd gone back in time to when she first met the M.E, though even then things hadn't been this strained between them. She could feel Maura slipping away every day and knew there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Jane looked up from the paperwork on her desk when she heard Frost let out a low whistle. The click of high heels against the floor gave away who he was admiring. Bracing herself Jane looked up as Maura smiled at Frost and then looked at her.

Oh. My. God.

Maura was dressed in a tight fitting red dress, matching heels and her hair up in the way it had been when she was going to her mother's installation opening. As she got closer the detective could smell her intoxicating perfume.

"Wow. You look stunning." Jane knew she probably shouldn't have said anything at all but she couldn't help it. The M.E. was screaming sensuality and class.

"Thank you, Jane," Maura replied, still smiling.

The smile looked a bit forced to the detective and underneath the make up Jane could see the honey brunette looked tired.

"Got a hot date or something doc?" Korsak asked, grinning.

"In fact I do have a date, though there's nothing 'hot' about it. We're attending the theatre and then going out for dinner and dancing."

"Anyone we know?" Frost asked curiously.

"A friend from the FBI, I've been working with him on the case I was assisting with in Quantico. He's currently in Boston for the next few days."

"Well, you two have a great time," Frost said, winking.

"Thank you." Maura replied, "I just wanted to bring up these reports for Korsak before I left. I believe you were waiting on them," she finished, handing them to the older man.

"Oh, the Anderson case, sure was, thanks doc!"

Maura smiled. "Have a good night everyone. I'll see you all tomorrow."

Jane watched her leave, feelings of remorse, regret and at the forefront, jealously coursing through her blood. She wanted to hit someone! No, she wanted to hit herself. Maybe if she'd tried it would be her Maura would be going out with now instead of some hoity toity FBI

agent. Just the thought of Maura with someone, kissing someone, touching… Jane bolted out of her seat, grabbing her jacket.

"Frost, can you finish this report for me? It just needs a summary at the end about the recent John Doe?"

"Yeah, no problem," Frost replied.

"Where are you suddenly off to in such a rush?" Korsak asked, though the tone in which he asked lead Jane to believe he had observed more than he was letting on. Actually she thought Korsak knew a lot more than he let on. After all ever since all this started Jane had become much more irritable and short-tempered. The other day she'd thrown a complete fit just because they guy at Starbucks had put skim milk in her coffee instead of 2%.

"Maybe I've got a hot date too."

Frost chuckled at the thought and Jane threw a pen at him, scowling. "I'll catch you guys tomorrow."

Jane wasn't sure what she was doing… maybe she could catch Maura in the parking lot before she left. And then what? Ok, she didn't really have an answer for that but she felt like

she needed to do something! Jabbing at the elevator button she cursed it as it took its sweet ass time coming. Come on, come on! Finally she couldn't wait any longer and opened the door for the stairs bolting down them. She got to the parking garage just in time to see Maura drive off in a standard issue FBI car. Fuck!

There was nothing she could do now. She could call Maura but what would she say? Please don't go out on your date? She laughed in self-derision and walked to her own car. All she could do now was go home and try not to think about Maura talking, laughing and doing god knows what else all night with Mr FBI. It also made her think maybe there wasn't what she

thought there was between them. If Maura could just pick up and start dating again maybe Jane had made the right decision after all. If only she could convince her heart of that.

"Hey sis! Wait up!" she heard her younger brother Frankie call as he opened the door to the parking garage and jogged up to her.

"What is it, Frankie?" she asked, trying not to bite his head off. She just wanted to go home.

"Did you see Agent Dean? I ran into him out front."

Immediately the pieces fell in place… Maura was out on a date with an FBI agent and Agent Dean was in town, it had to be him. How could this be happening to her? An ex-boyfriend going out with her current love interest? It was like something off Jerry Springer. Not that she'd really call Agent Dean an ex-boyfriend. She'd only went out once with him and that was just to let him down easy. She'd been flattered by his attentions, but that was all. Now Maura was out with him. That must be why Maura didn't mention any names when Frost asked if they knew him, just said it was an agent she'd worked with. Maura may not lie directly but she was damn good at working around the truth.

"Something wrong, Janie? You look kind of… sick," her brother asked with concern.

"Don't call me Janie!" she shouted angrily before catching herself. "Actually, I'm not feeling the greatest; I'm on my way home now. Think I just need some rest."

"I'm going over to see Ma later, I'll let her know you're not feeling too well and tell her she should drop by to pay you a visit," he commented with a smirk.

Jane whirled, "Don't you dare, Frankie! If you do I swear to God I'll shoot you!" Frankie started laughing and Jane thought about tackling him. "God, having Ma over is the last thing I need!"

"I'm kidding, I won't say a word. Get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow."

Jane glared at her brother's retreating form before getting into her car. She wouldn't put it past him to tell her mother anyway just to annoy her. She hoped he didn't though because after this shit day all she wanted to do was go home, have a few beers and watch some TV.

Maura wasn't sure she should be going out with Agent Dean; in fact she knew she probably shouldn't, but she was still so hurt and confused by what had happened with Jane that she was doing things impulsively, definitely not like her at all. So when Dean had asked her to see him while he was in town she'd agreed without giving it much thought. That is until she'd seen the look of devastation on Jane's face when she'd informed the three of them she was going out on a date tonight, but what did Jane expect? The detective had made it clear she didn't want to see Maura and the M.E. still didn't know how to deal with the situation. Her feelings still felt so raw and she thought if she went out on a date maybe it would be the first step to putting what had happened behind her. Agent Dean was safe. She had no feelings for him beyond finding him physically appealing and intelligent enough to talk to. No emotions were involved, no one could get hurt.

Three hours later after the show at the theatre they pulled up outside the expensive French restaurant Dean had made reservations for. The show they'd seen had been quite good though Maura thought she hadn't really experienced it properly since the storyline about two people who were in love but couldn't be together kept reminding her of Jane and she kept making comparisons between the actor's plight and her own with Jane the entire time. She was pulled out of her reverie by Dean opening the car door for her. Politely she took his and as he helped her out.

"Are you having a good time?" Dean asked once they were seated with their drinks.

"I am," she smiled, "the show was wonderful and this restaurant is exquisite."

"Glad to hear it. I wasn't sure you were enjoying yourself," he remarked.

"You weren't? Why?" Maura questioned, genuinely perplexed. She couldn't recall ever ignoring him when he spoke to her or showing any distaste in anything they had done tonight.

"You just seem somewhere else… somewhere else in your head," Dean explained when Maura looked at him confused and questioning, as if asking him how she could possibly be anywhere else when it was quite obvious she was sitting right there.

"Oh," she responded, finally catching on, "I'm sorry, my mind is a bit preoccupied with something but I am trying to ignore it."

"Anything I can help with?"

"I don't think so."

"You'd be surprised. I'm a pretty good listener."

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Sure," He acknowledged with a shrug of his shoulders.

The rest of the meal progressed without incident. They chatted about a variety of topics through dinner and a small dessert. When the meal was finished they were meant to go dancing but it was already 11pm so they decided to go to Maura's for a drink and say goodnight with plans to see each other tomorrow evening.

"Thanks for the drink," Dean said, standing up from the couch where he sat next to Maura, "I should probably get going."

"Do you want another?" Maura asked standing up in front of him.

"Have to drive, I better not," he said with a half-smile.

"You can stay if you want." The offer was out of her mouth before she could think about it. She didn't know what the hell she was doing. Part of her felt like there was no reason she couldn't spend the night with Dean but another part of her felt like she'd be cheating on Jane, which was ridiculous since there was no relationship between them and never had been! She was so sick of this back and forth emotional rollercoaster! This wasn't what she was accustomed to. Her home, her work, her life, her mind, they were all ordered and controlled… until Jane. Until that kiss.

Impulsively she reached up and kissed Dean, being shocked he didn't respond right away, but soon she felt him wrap his arms around her and return her kiss and it felt… wrong. All wrong. The taste, the texture, it was all wrong! Just as quickly as she started the kiss she broke it off and took a few steps away from the confused man.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked.

"No, it's not you, it's me. I can't do this. I- I'm in love with someone else. I thought I could get over it but I can't."

"I see… I think I should stay away from the women that work in and around the Boston P.D." he joked with a half grin.

Maura smiled at this understanding. "I'm sorry. I should have known better. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's ok, really, I'm not hurt. I prefer that you're honest with me."

"Thank you for understanding." She said, meaning it. "I did have a really nice time tonight. I'm sorry I was so distracted."

"It's alright. Where love is involved distraction is expected."

"It is?" Maura asked the usual quizzical expression on her face.

Dean laughed. "You've never been in love before have you?"

"I thought I had been, but no, this lack of control is most disconcerting."

"It gets worse." Dean laughed, walking toward the door to let himself out. "But it also gets better. Thanks for the date Doctor; I'll see you around Quantico, take care of yourself."

Maura nodded but didn't move. She watched as he got in his car, turned on the lights and drove off. A part of her wanted to jump in her own car and drive to Jane. To tell her she loved her and wanted them to try, but she wasn't even sure Jane did love her. Cursing softly and very frustrated with her lack of ability to make a decision she turned off all the lights in her house, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed for the bathroom to take a long hot bath.

A/N: So there it is. Now the next direction I'm thinking of taking it in is probably going to be controversial and you all may not like it as Jane is going to consider leaving Boston for a while and transfer to New York. So fair warning on that! Though let me clarify she would not be leaving forever.

Oh and feel free to follow me on Twitter if you're so inclined LauraJDaniels