Road Trip Part 4
Chip kept to himself as much as possible whilst the bus moved at negative five miles per hour down the busy interstate. He stopped trying a long time ago to push Gloria off his shoulder and was just happy she stopped drooling.
"Mmmph." Chip raised his brow as he looked over to see Gloria squinting in the afternoon sun. With another groan she raised her head. "Wha-Where am I?"
"On a bus. Congratulations." Chip replied, taking the opportunity to straight out his shoulder pad.
Gloria rubbed her eyes. "Bus? But we were just- and why am I wearing a child leash!" Coffee girl demanded, throwing her arms out.
"So you didn't run into traffic." Chip answered, not even bothering to look at her.
"Why would I-Oh..wait." Gloria sighed, throwing herself back against the worn leather seat as she registered the passed out Nancy, Tilly, and Cricket next to her. "Guess Tilly was right."
"Yeah." Chip snorted. "You really lost it back there-ow."
Chip rubbed his arm with a pout after Gloria half heartedly punched it. It barely had any kick, probably as a result of her exhaustion, but still!
Gloria closed her eyes with a sigh. "Whatever, at least the walking's over."
"Actually we still have a mile to go when we get to Medium Town."
"Medium town?" Gloria raised her brow. "Wow. You know my dad's been there a couple times."
"Amazing." Chip replied sarcastically as he leaned on his fist against the bus window. "Tell me more."
"Yeah, he usually goes there for the pepper festival they have every year, they throw it around this time actually. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky." Chip rolled his eyes, apparently barral water removed the ability to detect sarcasm.
"Maybe." The former ceo replied absentmindedly, his gaze quickly snapping back to the rows of people around them, especially the suspicious parrot lady.
"My dumb cousin Emily's always bragging about how much spice she can take." Gloria rambled. "It's so annoying, she's always pulling stuff like that. "
Chip raised his brow, he leaned away from the window slightly. This was probably the first time she was talking to him without spitting venom every two sentences. He wasn't quite sure what to do. "Oh yeah?"
Gloria nodded. "She's just always gotta remind me how she's superior to me in every way, I don't know why, it's not like it's that much of an accomplishment to be better than me….blort sometimes even you're.." Gloria trailed off with a laugh, shaking her head. " 's just how some people are I guess….man you're lucky you don't have anyone like that in your life."
Chip leaned back with an offended frown. "Seriously? You're kidding right?"
Gloria raised both brows. "What? You also have a highly accomplished cousin who's constantly trying to show you up?"
Chip flattened his gaze. "Uh, try a highly accomplished dad."
Gloria snorted, shaking her head again. "That doesn't count. I'm sure he doesn't try to show you up."
"He doesn't have to." Chip replied, looking out the window again with an arm cross. "He shows me up just by existing on the same planet. Do you know how many, 'Wait Really? There's no way you're Tom Whistler's son' I've gotten in my life?"
Now it was Gloria's turn to frown. "Alot?" She asked dumbly, obviously still dazed out by the barrel water.
Chip sighed again. "Yeah, alot."
A short silence settled between them again. Then Gloria suddenly hiccupped. "This one time to get back at Emily I faked owning a house, and made Bill pretend to be my husband."
Chip blinked as a surprised frown quickly took up his face. "Wait, really?"
Gloria nodded with another snort, and as she went into more detail Chip couldn't help ,but be at least a little grateful for the distraction.
Gloria talked the whole way, til she eventually tired herself out again and went back to drooling on his shoulder.
"Woah," Cricket and Tilly awed together as they stepped off the bus. Just beyond the bus stop sign, a sea of tented booths and kids waving around pinwheels surrounded them.
"What do you know." Gloria yawned as she rubbed her eyes again. "We did get lucky. Can't believe we got here right at the pepper festival."
"So that's what this is." Nancy mused, stretching her arms above her head. "Almost like we're back home at the farmer's market."
"Yeah except way cooler! Can we look around mom?! Can we please!?" Cricket begged, already vibrating with the need to scurry.
Nancy sighed with a tired smile as she looked back at the pay phone that caught her eye earlier. "Yeah, why don't y'all go ahead. I need to call your dad anyway and uh…tell him the news."
Cricket's excitement seemed to die a little as Nancy got in line behind five other people. She waved him off anyway, and with one last fleeting glance her kids dragged a reluctant Chip and Gloria towards the festival.
"Woo! This is one spicy churro." Cricket waved a hand above his sweaty forehead, taking another bite of the pepper shaped dough stick as everyone sat beneath the shade of a nearby oak tree.
"Eh, not bad." Chip said around a mouthful of spicy churro as he leaned against the tree. Tilly was captivated by the pinwheel Gloria bought her as she sat atop Chip's shoulders.
They'd walked the whole festival and were now contently people watching.
"Okay your turn, Gloria." Cricket said.
Gloria hummed, pursing her lips. "Oh okay see that guy over there." She pointed to the purple haired guy excitedly cheering his girlfriend on over by the test your strength game-predictably enough with a pepper shaped hammar. "He's-"
"Wearing my khakis!"
Everyone raised a brow as they turned to look at the wide eyed Chip.
Tilly frowned. "Well that's certainly creative Chip, but it wasn't your turn-"
"No, guys those are actually my khakis, look!" Chip pointed at the man, and at that moment the purple haired guy chose to turn just enough for everyone to get a clear glimpse at the initials C and W sewn in on the back pockets.
Gloria blinked. Then her eyes suddenly widened as she let out a loose gasp.
"Oh my gosh!"
"I know right, he doesn't even have the hips to pull them off-"
"Not your pants idiot. Look. the woman next to him's wearing my sweater as well, you know what this means?"
"Your fashion sense isn't as outdated as we all thought-Ow!" Chip winced, rubbing the place Gloria punched his shoulder with a pouty frown.
"It means these are the guys who stole the Kludge!"
Cricket let out a loud gasp from behind them, climbing up Chip's shoulder to catch a glimpse. "Wait really?! How do we know for su-"
"Hey Bash, did you remember to lock the truck we stole." They suddenly heard the woman ask. 'Bash' nodded with a smirk. He took out a very familiar pair of keys with a very familiar corn shaped bottle opener hanging of them and twirled them around his finger. "You bet I did Bella."
"I love it when you remember to do the things I tell you." 'Bella' cooed, nuzzling his shoulder with her cheek.
"I love it when you tell me to do things." He cooed back.
Meanwhile everyone except Tilly held back the urge to puke as the criminal love birds began rubbing their noses together.
"Okay they definitely stole the Kludge." Cricket deadpanned, shaking his head before he actually did puke. "What are we gonna do?!"
"Perhaps inform law enforcement?" Tilly pitched.
"But they could be gone by the time the cops get here!" Cricket argued. "We can't let them leave with the Kludge!"
"So what do we do, put them under a citizen's arrest?" Chip sarcastically asked. "Trust me, not very effective."
Tilly hummed, absentmindedly leaning over Chip's hair like a desk. "Maybe we don't need to go that far. They say most petty criminals perform their crimes when no one's looking because of the pure shame. Maybe if we just confront them, they'll be so ashamed of their actions they'll just give us the Kludge back."
Cricket, Gloria, and Chip's eyes flattened at the same time and together they shared an unimpressed look.
But, they had nothing better so they decided to go through with it, which was how they unfortunately ended up sprawled out on the ground like road kill after thoroughly getting their behinds handed to them.
"Wow kicking butt sure works up an appetite Bash." Bella mused to her man. "Should we grab ourselves a spicy churro?"
"Only if we get to eat it Lady and Tramp style."
"Ooo, you know I love it when you read my mind."
"You know I love reading your mind."
"You know I know you love reading my mind." Whatever else they were saying to each other got lost in translation as they smooshed their faces together and walked off.
"Okay so now what?" Chip asked, nursing his bruised cheek as he sat up. "Bonnie and Clyde know we're after them. We don't have much time."
"I don't know, that churro line is pretty long." Tilly pointed out. "I'd say we have at least another hour."
Cricket scowled, throwing his arms up. "Urgh, those jerks! I wish we could just make them give us the Kludge back!"
"And then knock their teeth out for stretching out my khakis." Chip added with a narrowed eyed head nod.
"Yeah or-Wait a minute.." Cricket's eyes abruptly widened, he hopped to his feet as if captured by a eureka moment. "That's it! Chip, you're a genius."
Chip gave him a puzzled look. "It took you til now to realize that?"
Gloria raised her brow. "Cricket, what are you talking about?"
Cricket spun around to face everyone. "Tilly, remember that day in the farmer's market when Gramma wanted to find a pepper hot enough for her chili!?"
"I do," Tilly nodded. "It was also the day you and Chip started a turf war and Chip got his tooth melted off by those extremely hot peppers Gramma found, but what does that have to do with any-...oh..wait, Tilly's connecting the dots..."
"So we're gonna stop them with a pepper?" Chip asked, skeptically.
"It stopped you didn't it?" Cricket quirked his brow.
Chip huffed, his mouth forming a pouty frown as he crossed his arms.
"We just gotta trick them into eating it." Cricket continued. "And while they're rolling around on the ground in agony. We'll swipe the keys!"
"Wait, wait, how are we even supposed to find a pepper that hot?" Gloria reasonably asked.
Tilly hummed. "Well, Gramma said that a short man with a cloak and pepper shaped beard led her to those peppers."
"Great." Chip replied sardonically. "So just where are we gonna find one of those-"
"Did somebody say, a short man with a cloak and pepper shaped beard?"
Everyone looked up with wide eyes to see, well exactly that standing before them.
"Woah!" Cricket awed. "You came here all the way from Big City?"
"I go wherever the heat goes boy." The man replied, placing his hands on his stout hips. "Now come, I have what you seek."
"Is that dead animal I'm smelling or old taco meat?" Chip snidely asked as they entered the pepper man's tent. Chip then winced as he rubbed his head after bumping it against one of the overhead poles. Karma strikes again.
"Welcome to my pecant pepper palace!" The pepper man said, gesturing to the vast array of peppers hanging from the tented walls. "Normally I'd give a tour first, but since I know what you're after, I'll cut right to the chase."
The short man chanted something in gibberish and pulled back a pair of curtains to reveal a chest with a skull shaped lock on it. He opened it to reveal a handful of bright red peppers. "Behold! The pepper to top all peppers, the sultan pepper!"
"Woah!" Tilly and Cricket awed. Chip kindly twisted Tilly's head to face the other way when he noticed her eyes watering in pain. Gloria did the same for Cricket.
"Okay so, how much are we talking here? Like twenty bucks or?" Chip asked, already digging around in his pocket for loose cash.
The pepper man suddenly frowned. "Uh, aren't one of you going to try it first?"
Chip and Gloria frowned, eyeing each other from their peripherals.
"Uh, we were just gonna buy it actually, um, no taste needed." Gloria explained.
The pepper man's frown creased, and he shook his head. "No, you don't understand. I have to know that whoever's going to take possession of the sultan pepper can handle its power. I thought since you all know Alice one of you'd surely be able to prove yourselves worthy."
"What?" Chip shot back. "Why? We're not even going to eat the stupid pepper."
The pepper man sighed, slowly closing the chest. "If you aren't worthy, you can't have the sultan pepper."
"Urgh, you've gotta be kidding me!" Chip complained.
Cricket groaned. "We've come this far only to be turned away now?! Why must you be so cruel, universe!?"
Tilly sighed. "I….Wait a second, Chip!"
Chip frowned as Tilly looked up at him. "You're the only one here who's had the sultan pepper before, if anyone can handle it, it's you."
"Him?" Pepper man asked skeptically. "I don't know, he doesn't exactly seem to be a prominent follower of the heat." The pepper seller gestured to Chip's obvious sunburn.
Chip jerked back, for once not offended. "Yeah, that stupid pepper literally melted my tooth off."
"Hey, that was actually a whole handful of peppers." Cricket intervened. "So just one can't be near as bad, right?"
Chip scoffed. He felt everyone's eyes on him as he took a step back. "You guys can't be serious?"
"Chip, you said it yourself the sun itself couldn't burn your mouth out now." Gloria added. "And it's for the sake of the Kludge."
Chip shook his head, unbelieving of what he was being asked of. "Why, why do I have to risk keeping my taste buds for the sake of a truck?!"
"Because," Cricket took a second to cough pitifully. He then looked up at Chip with the most puppy dog esc expression he could muster, going as far as to bat his eyelashes like Chip did earlier with Rachel. "We believe in you." Chip could have sworn a couple of stars popped out of the kids eyes as he said it.
Chip's gaze fell flatter than a dime. "Gee, thanks."
And then Gloria suddenly sighed, as if just now taking pity. "Okay, okay, how about this,"
Gloria turned back to the pepper man and asked him to open the chest again. She took out a single sultan pepper and split it down the middle. Coffee girl held out one of the halves to Chip. "I'll eat one and you eat one. That way you're not the only one suffering, alright?"
Chip's eyes widened as he stared at the pepper. "Wait, what? You would do that? Seriously?"
Gloria sighed again. "You're right, it's not fair that you're the only one risking something here. It's all our fault the Kludge got stolen."
Tilly and Cricket suddenly shared a look. "You know what, you're right." Cricket proclaimed snatching another sultan pepper from the chest and splitting it with Tilly. "We're all in this together."
Chip blinked as he looked around the room in disbelief.
They were completely serious, weren't they?
Chip sighed. "Actually," The blonde scrunched his eyes closed as everyone watched him shove his half of the sultan pepper into his mouth.
"I think I got this solo." He said just before the flames kicked in.
A second passed, no one dared breathe. Then another, then another.
Okay, he was beginning to feel light headed ,but it could definitely be-uh oh.
Chip stumbled slightly, having to grip a random table for support.
Tilly's eyes widened as she and Gloria rushed to his side.
"Chip, are you okay?" Tilly asked. He didn't answer, couldn't. "Chip?…Chip.."
"Hey Bash, is it just me or is that an ambulance siren?" Bella asked as she took another bite of her spicy churro.
"Pft, clearly some people can't handle the heat." Bash smirked. "Unlike you, my little fire minx."
"Or you my little heat devil." Bella cooed, smothering his face with pecks as he did hers. "You look amazing in those stolen khakis by the way."
"So do you in that sweater. I do have a bit of a confession to make though Bella." Bash admitted when they came up for air. "I am just a tad thirsty."
"So am I!" Bella declared woefully. "Oh we're so in-sync."
"I love that about us." Bash agreed. "Let's-"
"Free milk here! Come get your ice cold, free milk!"
The two lovesick criminals looked up to see a random bozo in a black cloak selling bottle milk over by one of the booths.
Bella rejoiced in their luck. "Hey dairy jockey, hit us up with some ice cold milk, to melt our hot, steamy love."
"As if anything could melt our love." Bash proclaimed as the cloaked man sighed, handing them each a bottle.
Bella paused, letting Bash drink first, mostly because she wanted to lick the milk mustache off his face once he was done.
"Ah," Bash sighed as they both got their fill "That was…that was…" Bella frowned as her soul mate started to pant. "Hot!" He suddenly shouted, falling to the ground in agony.
"Bash!" Bella cried, grabbing his hand as she kneeled next to him. "What's-Actually now that you mention it, that milk was a little-" Bella paused to loosen her collar. "Hot."
Oh cripe, it was pompeii in her mouth!
"Oh you think that's bad, try eating a whole bag full."
Bella turned back to the milkman and demanded. "What did you do!?"
"Oh what did I do?" The man smirked. "I just, smashed the hottest pepper known to man and put it in the milk you just drank." With that he threw off his cloak to reveal…..a man they'd never seen before in their life…
"Um.." Bella squinted. "Do we know you or..?"
"What? I'm Chip Whistler, you literally just met me toda-Urgh, nevermind." The blonde man shook his head. "All you need to know is that you and your partner in crime's about to be in a world of hurt if you don't get a little untampered milk in you." 'Chip' shook one of his bottles back and forth like a bell.
Bella's eyes widened with a gasp. "Give it!"
"Ah, ah." Chip wagged his finger at her as she tried to jump up and nab it. "Not so fast, see there's this thing people do when they want something they,oh ..what's the word." Chip snapped his fingers. "Oh that's it, pay. They pay for it."
"Okay fine, take all the money we have just-"
"Yeah see, that's not gonna work." Chip replied with a smirk of his chipped teeth. "I'm kinda good on cash right now, what I could really go for is a 1988-no actually let's make it a 1989 Kludge pickup, you wouldn't happen to have one of those by chance would you?"
Bella hastily grabbed the keys from Bash's pocket and tossed them to Chip. "We parked by the taco booth, take it!"
"Wow, how generous." Chip smirked.
Bella half haphazardly lunged for the milk again only to go face planting into the dirt. "Give us the milk already!" She was gonna have to go mute after this.
"I also want my khakis back." Chip explained, putting his hands on his hips. He perked up as a whisper Bella couldn't quite hear came from a nearby bush. "Oh and the ugly sweater too I guess- Ow!" Chip just barely managed to duck past the flying shoe aimed at his head.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Gloria asked with an arm cross as Chip handed her the Kludge keys.
"Hm?" Chip raised his brow, shrugging a second later when he couldn't think of it.
Gloria sighed, gesturing to the writhing bandits still sobbing in agony on the ground.
"Ohhhh them. I mean do we really have to-"Chip cut himself off as Gloria grabbed the milk herself and poured it on the bandits. They deflated almost immediately, sighing in relief now that their tongues had a chance to cool.
"You're evil." Gloria said as they started their trekk back to the Kludge, for once though it didn't sound like she was insulting him.
"Chip that was amazing!" Cricket cheered once they found the truck- thankfully still completely intact, just with a couple more dents to add to the scrapbook- Chip humbly waved him off.
"I knew I could do it."
Chip then coughed out a smoke ring, rubbing his stomach as he finally allowed himself to slouch. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go lay down for a while." With that he climbed into the back seat, and folded his blazer into a pillow.
"C'mon pick up…" Nancy groaned as she twirled the quarter in her palm.
"..Hello? This is Bill Green speaking."
Nancy sighed. "Hey Bill, It's Nanc. Look I gotta tell you some-"
The biker stopped short with a frown as she heard a loud, obnoxious car horn go off.
A familiar car horn.
Nancy gasped and turned to the side of the phone booth to see the Kludge right next to the sidewalk, Gloria and Cricket waving at her from the front seat.
"Hello? Sorry I didn't catch that. Who did you say-"
"Uh, wrong number senior. Bye now!" Nancy smashed the phone back into its holder and bolted out the booth.
"Bout time." Alice grouched as she hopped into the front seat. "What took y'all so long?"
"Traffic." Nancy, Chip, Gloria, and the kids answered unanimously.
Alice looked at her son with a frown. Bill just shrugged from the back. "Well I'm just glad. Y'all made it here in one piece. Good job everyone."
"Oh it was nothing." Cricket laughed, waving his father off. "Could do it again in my sleep if I had to."
Alice raised her brow, not bothering to ask as she rolled down the passenger side window.
"Oh Alice." Gloria called from beside her. "We actually got to stop at the pepper festival in Medium Town and we decided to get you a little something."
Alice's eyes widened as Gloria handed her a plastic bag full of Sultan peppers. "Well I be darned, thank you kid."
Gloria smiled, before biting her lip a second later. "Um, actually it was uh, Chip who found the vender. So, uh, really you should thank him too." Gloria gestured over her shoulder to the passed out blonde snoring up a storm against the backseat window.
Alice frowned. "...well alright then."