Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note
Chapter 44 Awake
I just woke up from a fractured fairytale
Dark….
It was dark.
And alone.
I was alone?
Where was he?
Who?
Him.
Who?
The one who mattered.
Who?
Was he dead?
Yes. Dead.
He was dead.
Who?
Him.
Who?
L. L was dead.
Who?
L Lawliet was dead. Kira had killed him.
Kira…
And I along with him.
My eyes opened.
I was awake.
I frowned. I was in my room? Truly my room, where I had spent my childhood. I sat up warily. Why was I here? Was something wrong? Had something happened to Mom or Sayu? Why else would have, the thought was halted abruptly. I swallowed.
Why else would have L let you go?
The words echoed mockingly in my head, accompanied by the smirk I had seen on Light's face. L was dead. My eyes closed slowly My palms coming to rest on the sides of my face, my knees coming up to my chest.
A dream? Had it been a dream? I wondered, my breath coming out in short gasps.
A nightmare, I corrected myself. I opened my eyes again, my hands falling limply to my sides. There was a flash of red out of the corner of my eye.
My heart stopped beating as I lifted my wrist, a tattered red ribbon tied around it. I stared at it wordlessly. The red looked like a wound on the abnormally pale skin. My fingers brushed the silk once, searching for confirmation.
L was dead. He was never coming back. Because of Kira.
Because of Light, I corrected.
I waited for myself to shut down, to sob and cry. My hands began to shake. I tasted metal. I saw red.
I was angry I realized with a startled laugh. I hurriedly smothered the hysterical noise. I may not have been alone.
Instead I stared at my shaking hands in wonder. I was angry. Enraged. To the point where I wanted to kill him myself. I wanted to kill my brother. The image of him covered in his own blood, his mouth agape in shock; eyes lifeless and glazed, made me shiver.
I shook my head, dispelling the thought. I was no murderer. I wouldn't lower myself like that. I forced myself to stand and staggered to the bathroom.
When I looked into the mirror, I saw a ghost.
The ghost's eyes were wild, animalistic even, and red rimmed. The ghost was pale, as they often are, lips thin, looking too big on her too thin face. Her hair was lank. Her face…older. There was a sharpness to her features not put there by grief or the refusal of food. How long had she been here? Wallowing in the dark while the bloodshed continued?
I turned away, disgusted with myself.
I vomited. Whether from self-pity, disgust, grief, or anger, I didn't know. Maybe it was from being too full after being empty for so long. I wiped my mouth, the sour taste now residing in it matching the feeling I felt after seeing myself.
I needed to get out, to move, and run and scream and do something.
I had promised.
I had promised him I would catch Kira.
I started throwing things into a bag, a plan vaguely forming in my mind. Successors. I nodded to myself. His successors. I would find them.
I picked up my laptop. I threw it out the window and into the street. It shattered. My phone followed. They couldn't find me. I wouldn't let them.
I reached into the drawers grabbing handfuls of clothes. I paused. A white shirt. A too large white shirt. I picked it up slowly, electricity flowing through my fingers as I touched the worn material. It was his. Somehow it had made its way here from my room at headquarters. Mercy on Light's part? Or pity from my father? Or had L sent it before his death?
I didn't care. I laid it carefully in the bag. The scrapbook went on top.
I changed into discreet clothes and went down the stairs. I didn't care if they were home at this point to hear me. I would run if I had too.
The house was empty. I realized this the second I walked downstairs. they were simply gone. I eyed a newspaper on a table for the date.
September 12, 2012.
It had been so long. Far too long.
Years. I had been fucking gone for years.
My fists clenched and I was gone.
I ran from the house.
Absolute chaos.
I was in absolute chaos.
My little fairytale had skipped right over its happy ending. There was no wicked stepmother, just a brother who thought himself a god. The poison apple had put me to sleep, but my prince had been murdered. And so I had slept. But not anymore.
I didn't stop running for a long time. Air was irrelevant. The fact I hadn't been fully conscious in years hadn't stopped me.
Perhaps it was cowardice that made me run. Perhaps it was bravery that made me stop. I didn't know.
But I did stop. I stared up at the building that loomed above me. Headquarters. I didn't hesitate to go inside.
I knew from the moment I entered the investigation team had abandoned the place for years. The security system was nothing more than a gentle hum, and dust covered everything. I disabled the system.
When I stepped inside the lobby, I stopped. I regarded the room silently. Everything was gone. I should have expected this. It wasn't like L to forget loose ends.
Was it denial or certainty that forced me up the stairs? I didn't know.
But I still went.
I stopped outside of the most familiar door. L and Light's room before L had unchained Light. The door easily swung open.
It was empty as well with the acceptance of the mirrors. Flashes of silver covered in dust and grime. I could see my faint reflection. I seemed to be leering at myself. I turned to the mirror closest to me. I wiped the filth from its surface.
"Why are there so may mirrors in here?" L sighed and leaned backwards.
"That is an irrational addition on my part. I seemed to have convinced myself that Kira will be unable to kill me this way. The mirrors will act as a sort of talisman, revealing his presence before he can act. That of course is not the case, but I feel more secure."
"I would find it more unsettling then reassuring."
"I suppose, but the only thing more frightening then looking into a mirror alone, is to find someone behind you."
"You're wrong, L," I muttered to myself. "There's nothing more frightening than finding yourself alone."
I ripped the mirror from the wall, flinging it to the floor. It shattered, the pieces reflecting my crazed expression. I didn't want to see myself. I didn't want to see anyone. I screamed, blind fury finally escaping me.
I kept destroying the mirrors, breaking them, making them impossible to see myself in. When the mirrors were all broken, I dropped to my knees and began hurling the shards, wordless screams continuing to come from me.
I stopped, my shoulders heaving and gasping for air. My hands were bleeding as well as my knees. I shakily got to my feet and left, leaving the glass behind. Regardless of what just happened, I forced myself to keep going, stopping outside of his room. Just his. Not his and Light's, but his.
The door opened easily. Against my expectations, the room wasn't empty. Not completely. The laptop perched upon a small box in the center of the room prevented the complete emptiness. My breath caught in my throat. L didn't make mistakes like this. There was a glimmer of white and red upon the laptop.
The white queen.
I moved forward slowly, hardly believing what was happening. I dropped to the floor, my fingers wrapping around the small chess piece. I lifted the lid of the laptop, my hands shaking. It flickered to life, a request pulsating on the screen.
Password?
I typed in seven letters.
Lawliet.
Words began to appear on the screen.
Perhaps this is too cliché, a final letter, a request between too lovers. Had the situation not been so grave, I'm sure you would have laughed at the prospect. But then again, I never claimed to have mastered the art of the romantic.
Where do I begin? At the beginning, I'm sure you'll say. You seemed to like the idea of a beginning, though endings always remained so elusive for you. Perhaps it is your youth, the idealistic naivety, that prompts you to block endings. You are too aware that happy ends are rare and often unjust.
None the less, I'll start at the beginning. There is little too be said of my story before I met Watari. I was orphaned and was placed in his care; I will not bore you with details, though I'm sure you would beg for them.
Under Watari, my knowledge grew and through a series of events, I became a detective. Here however, is where my shame begins, and my reluctance to speak.
Watari is a shrewd man. He realized the fleeting nature of the title I had taken on. He decided that even in the event of my death, the title "L" must continue. He reached the conclusion of successors. I agreed. I did not think myself above death, and would not allow my own selfishness to prevent him from attempting to recreate me so to speak.
He went back to the orphanage he had raised me in, an institution he owned and called, "The Wammy's House." There were other children there of course, but they were gradually pressed onto other orphanages or homes. When the House was empty, Watari brought in two children. Two young boys.
They were to be called A and B. Alternate and Back-up. They were cruel names, though unintentionally so on Watari's part, just as what my code name stood for. Lost One. An apt name, one that did not cause me hurt or pain, but could have to another child.
Both boys were trained, A quickly becoming my first chose of successor while B was second. Gradually, Watari began bringing other children, not only possible successors, but gifted children.
What occurred next is not the fault of Watari, though he would take the blame. The error lay with me.
A committed suicide due to the pressure of taking my title.
B shortly left the institution, insane. He left to become a murderer in an attempt to surpass me. He attempted suicide, but an agent of mine stopped him. He was later killed by Kira.
Perhaps that is what began my pursue of Kira. I was a murderer; even worse, a killer of innocents. Perhaps it was own inner hypocrisy that began the slow burn. Perhaps it was many things. I do not know. I do not pretend to be a God.
I tell you this because you have a right to know. I tell you this because I want to give you something before you attempt to do what you have promised.
Go to Wammy's House. My third successor will be waiting for you. He is called Matt. From there, you will speak to Roger and then join my first successor, Near. From this point, I do not know what will occur. My second successor, Mello, will appear eventually. I only hope he does not alarm you.
I suspect you may have waited to read this. Perhaps you haven't been able to for years. You may be dead by your own brother's hand or kept his prisoner. Maybe you've escaped and never returned here. There are many maybes, many things to consider. Maybe you have accepted Kira. My mind can't help but consider the possibility.
This is the final goodbye. I have left no notes, no secret messages, no photographs. After this point, you will never receive anything from me again. Death is final.
I could ask you to erase me from your memory and allow your life to move forward. I find I am too selfish to ask. I do not want to be forgotten. Not by someone who spoke to me and touched me and laughed with me. Not by someone who loved me.
Forgive me. I am only rambling now.
Live your life as you wish and as it makes you happy. I forfeited my choice in the matter when I toppled my king.
I'll end this letter now before my own better judgment forces me to erase it. I'll end it with a word that will truly express my final farewell.
Always,
L Lawliet
Always.
Not love or sincerely, but always. I felt myself smile sadly.
It suited him.
I closed the laptop and opened up the box beneath it. The chess pieces were inside along with an envelope. I picked the envelope up, feeling something heavy shift inside. I turned it upside down and let the contents spill into my hand.
A passport.
I flipped it open. The name was Rei Asahi, the same name I had among the task force.
A ticket.
The ticket was from Tokyo to London. I frowned. How the hell had L arranged a ticket that could be used at all times?
A card.
It was a credit card, Rei Asahi printed along the side.
A key.
The large brass key felt heavy in my hand. I held the cool metal for a moment before looping the key through the ribbon wrapped around the white queen.
I slipped everything into my bag, except the chess piece and key which I kept in my hand.
"Well, Kira," I said to myself a small smile on my face. "Looks like it's my move."
The princess opens up her eyes without a kiss
That she won't forgive
Because this good girl's pissed
~Author's Note~
First off. Yes I'm a bad author. I updated late twice in a row. Though this time it was because both my computer and I were sick. And I killed off L and made the heroine comatose for about five years. Yes I suck.
But I needed some way to fill the time jump. I figure it's not too out of character because Rei had faced trauma early on in order TO CAUSE this. Yes. I had this baby planned out from the get go. Was L always going to die? Sorry ladies…but yes. But as one reviewer kindly pointed out, this never was described as a saving L story.
From this point on, there will be no romance with the exception of flashbacks and dreams. Rei is not suddenly going to go for Matt, Near, or Mello.
But at least now Rei is alive, awake, and kicking. Expect some serious sass and pissyness from her. Near and Mello are not going to go over well with her at first. Hey, she won't go over to well with them either. Matt is another story. They'll be okay right away.
The lyrics are from a song called…Survivor. That's right. The song I took the title from. It's a good song from a bad movie called The American Mall. Don't watch it. It's terrible. For those of you who have seen the trailer I made, that's the song I used. It's pretty badass.
I REACHED OVER 800 REVIEWS!
Wow. Thank you guys so much. I have a feeling the number will slow down though after this, because L really is dead.
World without L is just a word: Thanks! It's nice to know you'll still be reading despite the loss of L. Now your world really is just a word…
AlbinoButterfly: It hurts me too…
Nicole: Sorry. L is dead for real. you can try flaming if you like. I think flames are funny.
SaberAmane: YES!
Sexymcmuffinattractivecake: Dear Mother, please stop picking names that make your daughter feel awkward. Love, Alex.
A fan of course: Yes…I'm sorry.