I don't own Death Note

Chapter 46 Guilt

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," I muttered, ignoring the pressure beginning to build in my ears and wincing when they popped painfully.

"Your hands are shaking," Matt pointed out.

"Are they?" I asked sarcastically, rolling my eyes at him. "I hadn't noticed."

"Do you not like flying?" His voice was unperturbed and he ignored the barbs my voice was laced with.

I looked at him wearily. He really didn't care how rude I was to him. I sighed. "I'm fine with flying. I just…" I brushed the inside of my elbow, "I'm not feeling well," I finished lamely.

"Air sick? The flight attendants can give you something for that."

"Then I'll really puke. I don't do well with drugs of any kind."

Matt took in this information. "When's the last time you ate or drank anything?"

I shrugged. Matt smirked.

"Finally I can reach a conclusion. No wonder you're cranky, your blood sugar must be low. So what do want? Something within reason obviously, we're sorta a couple thousand feet into the air."

"How bitchy do I have to be before you stop being concerned?" I asked in irritation.

"Much more. I've had a lot of practice," Matt said with a low chuckle. "So, food. What do you want?"

"Whatever you're having," I said uninterestedly. "And by practice, do you mean Mello?"

He looked up in surprise. "Yeah," he said warily, his brow furrowing.

"You talked about him when you were yelling at Roger. It was sort of obvious," I explained. Matt took this in and shrugged.

I took this as signal to drop the topic for now. Instead I stared out the window watching clouds.

"Here," Matt said. I turned back towards him. He offered me a chocolate bar.

"Thanks." I took it, peeling back the wrapper and taking a bite. Matt tucked his own chocolate bar into his bag.

"They're Mello's favorite," he said.

"And you're sure Mello's a male?"

Matt looked at me for a long moment before bursting out into laughter. I stared at him, as did several other passengers. A flight attendant looked over and looked to be debating between coming over and simply shushing him from afar.

"If he heard you say that…" Matt trailed off, laughter dying down.

"Sorry. Pissy and likes chocolate? Forgive me for making the assumption."

"Don't be sorry. Happens regularly. Well usually people see Mello before making the assumption, but I guess the description would lead you down that road."

"It happens regularly?" I asked through a mouth of chocolate.

"Well, maybe not now. For all I know he could have scrapped the girly haircut and tight pants."

"He sounds like an interesting guy," I said with a smile.

"He's my best friend," Matt said.

"I rest my case. But what's he like? Besides chocolate, pissyness, and tight pants?"

Matt leaned backward taking in a deep breath. He pushed his goggles down over his eyes.

"He's…competitive. And born with an inferiority complex. He's explosive and is just as likely to say hello as he is to punch you in the face."

"Huh," I said mulling that over. "What about Near?"

"Exact opposite. He's got a superiority complex and has as much emotion as a rock. He doesn't really have a drive. His motives don't really make sense, considering I have no idea in hell what they are. For now, I've labeled him as wanting to get Mells' goat."

I finished the chocolate bar, feeling better, but still shaky. "What about you?"

"Me?" he asked skeptically.

"Yeah, what's your analysis on yourself?"

He paused thinking about it. He frowned and pushed his goggles up. "I'm just Matt," he said finally. "I don't have a motive besides getting to be Mells' Robin to his Batman."

"I like that." I smiled. "And I'm just Rei."

He snorted. "Hardly. You're L's girl. That's a bit more than just you. It means you've gotta be fucking awesome."

"I'll accept that as a compliment despite the expletive lodged in that sentence."

"You're alright," he said with a grin, lounging in his seat again.

"And you are far too trusting," I shot back. "You've haven't been holding back at all. What if I have some other motive and plan to murder you in your sleep?"

"Like I said, you're L's girl. Not trusting you is like not trusting L. He sent you to us, which means not only do you have a purpose in all this, but he cared enough for you that he would have us watch over you." Matt fiddled with his sleeve, most likely wishing for a cigarette. "So, I'm gonna trust you until you give me a reason not to."

That stopped me. "I have plenty of reasons for you not to trust me, Matt. I'm a little more entangled in this than you think."

He gave me a strange smile. "What's to a better place to discuss them then here? No one's really listening, the plane is nearly empty anyway, and if you whisper, the sound of the engine will cover the sound of anything you say." He rummaged in his bag. He pulled out his DS. "Look, I'll even play while you're telling me and put the headphones in to make it look like we're not taking."

"Fine," I conceded not really having anything to argue back at him. I took a cursory glance around the plane and began to whisper.

"I'm sure you're familiar with the movements of the task force prior to L's death. However, what I'm quite sure you're unaware of, is the people involved in the investigation. I don't mean the identities of the task force members, but rather of the suspects themselves." I paused for a moment. "My brother was accused of being Kira." Matt's fingers didn't falter. "I had to agree with L's accusations. The evidence fit too well and the changes of my brother's personality only served to convince me even further. He was confined, along with his supposed girlfriend who was suspected to be the second Kira. Her name was Misa Amane. Only a few days into the confinement, they both experienced changes in personality. My brother seemed to revert, while Amane seemed to have no recollection of anything to do with Kira." I stopped again when a flight attendant walked down the aisle.

"We were eventually forced to release them, but L kept them both under close observation, even allowing them to assist with the case. Kira had disappeared after the initial confinement, but reappeared only a few days into it. We managed to track this new Kira and corner him. Unfortunately, he was murdered before we were able to question him. My brother and Misa both seemed to revert and the Kira killings resumed once more." I sighed pressing a hand to my temple. "We discovered Kira's method of killing. A notebook that killed anyone whose name was written in it. There were rules and conditions that went a long with it, but now is not the time to go into them. We also learned about the being who gave the notebook its power; a shinigami. A god of death, you would say in English. L and Watari were both killed shortly after this by the shinigami as L was attempting to prove a rule false that was keeping my brother and Misa free.

"After that, it's blank; for me at least. L's death was a blow, especially when I knew of my brother's involvement. I would have recovered more quickly, but my brother drugged me to keep me out of the way. I was the only one still suspicious of him, and if I had died, it would have been odd, since I was clearly not a threat. Not on my own anyway." I gave Matt a smile. "After I woke up, I went to find you."

Matt was quiet, taking all the information in. "What's your brother's name?" he asked finally, his voice low.

"Light. Light Yagami. I'm telling you this Matt, because I don't want you or Mello vulnerable to any sort of attack from him, disguised as it may be. L seemed convinced I would not be leaving Near's company for a while. I'm not sure when I would ever get a chance to tell you this, so for now it's a bit fragmented. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps."

Matt nodded. "Saying I'm glad you told me doesn't exactly seem to be the right sentiment, but it's as close I'll get." Matt reached down and pulled up a bottle of water. "Here, you should drink all of this. Then you should sleep. Jetlag is gonna fuck you up no matter what you do, but this way at least you'll be functioning when we land."

"Thanks," I whispered. I downed the water quickly and did my best to fall asleep.

I stared at the dark haired figure before me. He was standing straight and he looked healthier then he had in a long while. The bags under his eyes were almost gone, though traces still remained.

"I should have known the minute I fell asleep I would have a nightmare about you, L"

He smiled, tilting his head. "Are you quite sure this is a nightmare? Normally, I would agree with you, I am not usually a sight one associates with a good dream."

"Oh, shut up," I muttered. "I've had quite enough with your 'I'm not good enough for anyone' act. I love you, despite your own stupidity when regarding yourself. And let's not forget the new addition of martyr to your long list of titles."

"I take it that still angers you."

"Of course it does! You let yourself be killed! Why didn't you behave more cautiously? Why didn't you focus more on Rem's involvement? Why did you let your guard to drop around Light?"

"And here we approach the reason for my visit. The true question Rei," he said looking me straight in the eye, "is why you did not ask yourself these questions?"

I froze; all my fury dissipating.

"A tad hypocritical don't you think? To so vehemently blame me for my own demise when you also could have acted to prevent it." I couldn't breathe. "But you are the one who is really guilty, aren't you? My martyrdom, as you put it, was to allow Kira to be captured, by either you or my successors." His gaze turned cold. "I hardly expected for you to simply shut down like that. It was disgraceful. You wasted my sacrifice, Rei."

I stared at him in horror. His shoulders sagged and his gaze sank to the ground.

"Is that what you wish me to say? Do you want me to blame you?" He looked up again, his gaze pleading. "Do you really wish to burden yourself with this?"

"I thought you said this wasn't a nightmare?" I choked out.

"It is not. If you really would like me to interpret this for you, it is your subconscious continuing to blame yourself for my death and at the same time trying to rebel this urge because you know I do not hold you accountable. I chose my death, Rei. You have nothing to do with that."

I shook my head. "This the drugs taking; or in this case, the lack of them. This must be like some messed up fever dream…"

"What must I do to prove my sincerity?" he asked fervently, far more expressive then he had been in reality. "Do I really have to reaffirm my wish for you to be happy and know I love you?" He shook his head fiercely. "You are still the most stubborn impossible creature I have ever met." He swore under his breath.

"Sorry," I said weakly.

"Damn it all," he muttered. "When will you learn I have your best interests at heart?"

"Maybe when I learn to stop placing myself in situations that get me hurt."

"So never," L said flatly. I laughed weakly.

"Probably," I agreed.

"Will you at least try?" L pleaded. "You cannot dwell on this; it will only complicate the task before you."

"I know, and I will, but it may take me a while."

He smiled weakly at me.

"I love you."

"I love you too," I muttered back.

His lips brushed against mine.

The dream dissolved.

I woke up with a jolt, the plane touching down bumping the entire plane.

"Any nice dreams?" Matt asked distantly.

"Yeah, actually," I answered.

I love you, L.

~Author's Note~

Alrighty there, a little transition, and then we hit you hard with Near's snootiness, and later Mello's badassery. If anyone is curious, I'm following the anime timeline. It's really only because I have better access to the anime and I personally like the anime ending better. It sort of redeemed Light a bit in my eyes rather than his dramatic fail in the warehouse.

I hope things will move more quickly after this. I'm reeeeeeeally hoping this is under sixty chapters, but I doubt it will happen. I break chapters as they feel natural to me, so it's a long shot, but we can hope.

School is out in a week for me. I hope to finish the fic before the ending of July. I have a lot of writing ahead of me.

Thanks for all the reviews!

World without L is just a word: I'm doubting my ability as well…especially cuz this chapter sucks compared to the last one, but what can you do? I would eat Matt. God, your reviews just make me grin ear to ear. They just really make me happy.

ILBB: What are you talking about? I have said nothing about pregnancy. *OHOHOHO.*

AlbinoButterfly: Roger is a mean old man. You are awesome. :D

A fan of course: Soichiro is not dead…yet. LOL. MATTY IS SO SPECIAL!

SaberAmane: Roger is indeed mean. You'll see ;)

Jayne Foyer: TEEHEE. Rei is going through very minor withdrawal symptoms right now. At the moment, it's isolated in her hands shaking.