Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own, if I did Severus wouldn't die. But then again, he probably would, because I'm a bad, evil writer.
Warnings: Again, some swearing, and some suggestive sexual content.
A/N: This is actually my first fanfic, so when I got a lovely review from PikkaTay, it totally made my day. Anyway, this section deals with the war and everything pretty much up until the fall of Voldemort. It has a different perspective to the first part, and is a little shorter than I was hoping, but it kinda felt like the right place to wrap it up.
Oh, I tried to keep the characters as realistic as possible (well, as realistic as a fan can), so if they seem like they're doing something out of character, it's probably just because I interpret them differently. So, enjoy ^.^
Even as I questioned why I was here, my brain supplied the list of reasons. Lily had asked me. The Dark Lord wanted the chance at some inside information. I wanted to see a certain pair of forest brown eyes. No, you are not here for him. You're here to gather some information.
I would sit through the ceremony, watch the look on Potter's face as I congratulated the happy couple, and then leave. I wouldn't talk to anyone, not that there was anyone who would want to talk to me. I'd accept the punishment the Dark Lord would deal me, for a lack of information I couldn't really help, and I would put the whole day behind me. Well, that was the plan at least.
Once the service was over, a part of me reminding myself not to smile, I retreated to the darkest corner I could find. I didn't eat the food served, and only drank the alcohol, because, well, I was never one to say no to alcohol. I was hoping, drunk at least, the night would go by faster.
I think Lily came to talk to me at one point, Potter hanging off her arm. It was funny to watch him pull at her, trying oh so subtly, and failing, to drag her away from me. I probably smirked at him, but my mind was already muddled by drink at this point. I vaguely remembered congratulating Lily, expressing my happiness for her. I always remember the way Potter had scoffed at that.
She looked well, blessedly happy in a time of such sadness. Her skin held the glow of all expecting mothers, her stomach already plump with her growing child. Some would have thought this wedding was because of the life forming inside her, but more knew it had all been inevitable. It was just chance that Lily fell pregnant before time was found for a wedding. Sex was far more accessible in war than weddings.
Thankfully, I was left alone after that. Even Black had the manners to ignore me, rather than starting the fight we were both itching for. It was amusing watching the guests try so hard to ignore me, muttering behind their hands their indignation at my being there. Then they'd remind themselves it was due to Lily's kindness, inviting the man that had always loved her, as they believed.
Downing another drink, I had lost track of what exactly it was that I was getting drunk off, I scowled around the room. My eyes automatically slid over a certain form, the habit of avoiding that person so deeply ingrained, it still applied years later. Unfortunately, he had seen me.
The waiters knew to keep me well supplied, so I was able to take another swing of something that tasted vaguely like wine, before he made it to my table. At first he sat silently at my side, following my lead and staring out at the other guests. I hoped vainly he'd just leave, and not stir up pain I wasn't willing to face.
"Severus." My hand twitched, but that was the only reaction I would give. "I've missed you." Even in my drunken haze, I knew how to bite my tongue.
"Fuck off." Slurred words, my mind giving orders my body was ignoring. Yeah, I was drunk. "Just fuck off."
"Please Severus-" I couldn't let him finish.
"No Remus." Oops. The thought vague, dull around the edges. I hadn't meant to use his name. "I won't let you break my heart again." Rising to my feet, I gripped the table for a second to make sure I didn't fall. Counting carefully to ten in my mind, though it took me a few tries, I pushed myself away from that damn werewolf.
"Severus, wait." The words were quiet, but the tone was pleading. I half expected him to follow me, and insist on helping me home. The idiot was like that, always trying to be of use, even when he wasn't wanted.
I wouldn't admit I was a little disappointed when I was able to apparate home without being stopped. The fact that I could have killed myself, or done some serious damage, in the process didn't quite register. Stumbling through the darkened rooms, I didn't even realise I had a visitor.
"Ah, Severus." That voice, it was more than enough to sober me up, very quickly. "I was wondering how long you'd be." Light suddenly flooded the room, revealing the tall figure I had been silently dreading.
Falling quickly to my knees, I bowed my head. Trying desperately to focus my mind, I pushed thoughts of Remus away sharply. I couldn't risk those being discovered. Instead, I replayed Lily's smile, and the way everyone at the wedding had avoided me. The dull ache in my heart refused to fade, however.
"You love that mudblood?" I flinched, fighting back the relief that he assumed my heartache was for Lily. "There is just no accounting for taste."
"I'm sorry, my lord." He laughed. He laughed at my shaking voice. Taking joy in the pain written in my thoughts. Even though I could, I didn't dare try pushing him from my mind. It was too late now, he'd notice if I tried.
"Don't worry Severus," those words only shot fear through me. "I won't ask you to betray your love, I can already see you learnt nothing tonight." Bowing my head, I awaited my punishment.
Nothing came, just a soft pop, telling me I was alone once more. With him, the light left, abandoning me. I don't know how long I stayed in that darkness, tears falling to the ground before me.
When I awoke the next morning, I was painfully aware of two things. A hangover was not worth the alcohol consumed the night before. And, I would have to harden my heart greatly if I didn't want a repeat of my last meeting with the Dark Lord. I would allow myself no more thoughts of Lupin, and no more feelings for him.
I kept that silent promise to myself for over a year.
My hands were shaking. That's all I really knew. My hands were shaking, and I couldn't make them stop. They refused to still. Taking deep breaths did nothing, I just couldn't calm myself.
A part of me noted an ache in my knees, from being pressed into the hard ground just that little bit too long. Other pains slowly made themselves known. A small bruise forming on my shoulder, where I had fallen on it, being thrown out the tavern. Older pains, from punishments long gone by, that never quite fade, dimly aware at the edges of my sense.
"This is very good Severus." I would have let the breath I had been holding out in a sigh, if I wanted to risk getting reprimanded for the sign of weakness. "This is very good indeed."
"I live to serve my lord." I let those words hang in the air for a moment, carefully thinking of what I'd say next. "May I ask, who you think the child is?"
"I suspect." He paused, as though lost in thoughts. "Can you imagine Severus, someone powerful enough to defeat me?"
"No, my lord." A face flashed in my mind, almost turning my words into a lie. If the Dark Lord saw such thoughts, I'd pay the price. "Not even Dumbledore-"
"Don't speak that name!" A wave of his arm, a flash of colour, and then nothing but pain. My body was on fire, all those dull aches brought to the surface, burning with renewed vigor. Agony, it was pure agony. I couldn't even find the breath to scream.
My hands spasmed, as my feet cramped with my toes curling. My arms seized up, the muscles bunching in the most painful ways possible. Stomach muscles tensed, as my insides roiled. It felt as though every meal I had ever eaten very suddenly, and very violently, wanted to escape my body via my mouth.
And then it was gone, as though it had never come. Fighting tears, fighting any sign of the torture he had inflicted, I kept my head bowed. Apologising would only result in another round of pain, maybe even longer. It was always a risk, staying silent could be seen as defiance, while talking would undoubtedly result in the wrong words.
"Leave." Not needing to be told twice, I stood as steadily as I could, fleeing. Hopefully I wouldn't be called on again for a while.
Not Lily!
It was a chant, my new mantra. My mind repeated the phrase again and again, those the only words to pierce the panic. It was a miracle I was able to leave the meeting without drawing attention to my feelings. I had barely made it home before there were tears on my cheeks.
I wasn't fool enough to believe Voldemort would keep his word. That man would kill his own mother. I couldn't risk the life of my sister, not on such a flimsy promise. There was another option, there was always another option, but I couldn't trust myself to be brave enough.
Not Lily!
No, I had no choice. I'd do anything for Lily, anything to keep her safe. Deep breaths Severus. Taking a moment to wipe away a few stray tears, I turned on the spot, ready to beg for more than just Lily's life.
They didn't trust me, I could see it, not that anyone tried to hide it. It was unsurprising, considering all they had to go on was the word of an old fool. Manners, Severus. I reminded myself, he had agreed to my request after all.
I was a spy now, telling both sides I was betraying the other. At times, I didn't even know which side I was on. Feeding false information to one side, selling my soul to the other. All in the vain hope it would keep Lily alive.
It was naive of me to think she'd survive the war. I had spent so long trying to make myself forget we were on different sides, stopping myself from facing the fact that I ran the risk of having to kill her myself. Her and that damn werewolf, they were the only two I could never hurt. Some feelings I couldn't bury.
At first I was on lock down, held in custody. Voldemort thought I was gaining the trust of the Order of the Phoenix to feed him information. I knew, and the Order hoped, this was only half true. A constant guard watched over me. Watched me eat, watched me sleep, hell, I was lucky they didn't watch me use the bathroom. It was more than a little pointless, considering they had taken my wand.
Until a knock at my door gained my attention, pulling my head up from the book I had been allowed at the time, life was dull with the Order. I'm sure even Azkaban inmates have more freedom then I was given. My friendly neighbourhood guard had opened the door, admitting my unexpected visitor. I had wanted to point out visiting hours were over.
That conversation still hung in my mind, softly drifting about when I had too much time and not enough to think about. Certain words said for me to mull over, little hints to something I couldn't even begin to understand.
"Hello, Severus." Usually, the way he tripped over my name would have amused me. He deserved to struggle with it, deserved to feel guilt. Or maybe the hitch was cause by anger. That was more likely, considering.
"Lupin." No, not Lupin, werewolf. Beast. "Do your friends know you're here? Consorting with a Death Eater?"
"A Death Eater turned spy," I wasn't used to him smirking. The war had changed him, hardened him. A part of me felt saddened. "Yes, my friends know I'm here."
"What do you want?" Turning back to my book, I pretended to read in the hopes he'd leave me be.
"Nothing you will give me." A part of me knew his choice of words was important, but I couldn't name why. "I'm here to tell you, you've earned Dumbledore's trust."
"And the rest of the Order?" Not that I care. I tried to convince myself.
"They still think you're a lying ass and a threat." That smirk really did rub me the wrong way, it just didn't belong on his face. "Don't worry though, Dumbledore's trust will protect you."
So, here I was, sitting in a house with so many protection charms, a part of me thought it would crumble under their weight. Black was glaring at me, the only other member home. Both of us were itching to settle old scores, but simply couldn't.
"Waiting for your master's call Snivellus?" Black would never change. I chose to ignore him, mostly because he was right. I was waiting.
I was meant to be reporting in soon, delivering the information I was 'gathering'. My whole body was on edge, fingers twitching in my lap as my leg bounced. It was always like this, the wait before I was called. A part of me wondering if it would be a trip I wouldn't return from.
A loud crash echoed through the house, probably waking anyone who was there. It was early, too early for any sane person to be up. That probably explained why I was still active. Suppressing a laugh that would hurt more than it was worth, I stumbled across the small lounge room, dodging the table I had already knocked over.
I had barely taken two steps before the light switch was thrown. Raising my arm automatically to shield my unprepared eyes, I bit back a groan. I wasn't ready for light, I was barely ready to be breathing. It was amazing I was still on my feet.
"Severus?" It just had to be him, didn't it? "Merlin's beard, Severus, is that blood?" The light began to dim around me. Did Remus turn it off? No, I realised the light was still on, I was just passing out. I hope he catches me.
When I awoke, I immediately wished I was dead. Pain that had been blocked by adrenaline was back, with a vengeance no less. Things like the softness below me, and the way my head was raised told me I was in a bed. My eyes refused to open, so I knew no more.
For a while there was nothing other than a murmured voice above me, and the slowly receding pain. Eventually, my eyelids listened to me, forcing themselves open. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, shapes slowly taking form in the bright light.
Dark walls were lit by a single lamp on a small table beside my head. Shadows danced, threatening to engulf my mind, my very soul. Magic hung thick in the air, so strong I could almost taste it on my tongue. It was like being back at Hogwarts, the magic had always been so potent there.
"Just like the old days." My voice sounded terrible, even to my own ears. It was so strained, as though I hadn't used it for weeks. "You were always there to take care of me, even though I never asked you to." I wasn't sure why I was talking, though I was willing to blame the chemicals being released in my brain to aid in fighting the pain.
"You never thanked me either." He sounded like the old Remus too, not the new, hardened, one. I missed that boy, shy and quiet, in a studious kind of way.
Always able to make me smile silently on the inside. A hidden smile I didn't even share with him. Then he broke my heart, haven't smile much since then, have you Severus? Even I wasn't safe from the cruel sadism of my mind.
"Thank you." There, that would make everything better between us, said my endorphin addled mind.. He just made a small noise in the back of his throat, completing his work. "I mean it, thank you." I had to get him to see, had to make him forgive me. Shouldn't he be gaining my forgiveness?
"I'll never understand you Severus." He didn't sound happy. "I'll never understand."
"I'm sorry." I don't think I had ever said that before in my life, and I meant it so honestly. I didn't even know what I was apologising for, but I was apologising nonetheless. My eyes were trained on his face, so I saw the way my words effected him.
I watched the surprise, and the way it turned to anger. Watched the emotion rise, then fall under his impeccable control. Then his control crumbled, leaving nothing. His face was completely blank, devoid of any emotion, and it scared me.
"Did I really break your heart?" I was expecting yelling, I was expecting insults. I wasn't expecting such a calmly asked question. Not that question.
"Yes." Old hurts came rushing back, the memory floating to the surface. I could still see his face so clearly, the way it had contorted in shock and pain when I had spoken those truths.
"Did you really think I didn't care for you?"
"I knew you didn't care for me!" I couldn't control the anger, couldn't stop the hurt filtering through my words. "I meant nothing to you. I loved-" No, I wasn't going there, wasn't going to utter those words.
"What? You loved me?" Flinching, I physically pulled back, trying to burrow further into the soft mattress below me. "If you loved me, you would have said so."
"And have you rip my heart out? Have you do more damage then you already did?" There was too much pain, too much sadness between us. This conversation was doomed from the start.
"Why is it so hard to believe I couldn't, didn't, return those feelings?" He scoffed, and it was much like the smirk, in the sense that it didn't suit him.
"Fine." I spat the word out. "I love you, you stupid animal. I loved you, and you broke my heart."
What happened next, I could never have predicted. It was just like I remembered. The feel of his lips, the taste of his mouth, soft and sweet. A rustle, a sense of movement, and he was above me.
Hands, everywhere, searching, feeling, exploring. Everything I had kept pent up, every thought, every feeling, every dark little desire, was suddenly unleashed. The fury of years of heartache battered me, encouraging my every move.
His fingers were in my hair, caressing my head as though it was fragile, and more precious than life itself. My hands gripped his shirt, very much wanting the material gone. A flex of fingers, a slight twitch of muscles, a sharp jerking of arms, and buttons popped, flying across the room.
I felt him move, causing me to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. I wasn't going to let him go, not again. He fumbled, searching for something on the bedside table. The swish of a wand and a mumbled phrase into my neck was all the warning I had, before our clothes were gone. Probably folded neat in the corner, his shirt repaired, if I knew Remus at all.
Then there was just hands. Hand exploring, memorising one another through our finger tips. Lips, taking breath, sharing breath, tasting flesh. After so much pain, the pleasure was intensified.
Remus was everywhere, surrounding me. I could feel him over every inch of me, but it still wasn't enough. Even as we became one, it didn't feel like enough.
Every movement drove me wild, to the point where coherent thought was a thing of the past. I could see in his eyes, he felt the same. It went on forever, the pleasure. Until the world went white, and I feared I had blacked out again.
We lay there panting, wrapped in each others arms. My fingers travelled from his hair, down his back, feeling scars along his sides. More decorated his arms, mementos of his early days as a wolf. Lifting one of his arms, I littered lazy kisses along the raised flesh, slowly tasting it. He groaned in appreciation of my ministrations.
"I always knew," no, I wasn't ready for talking yet. Talking meant the moment was over, and I wasn't ready for the moment to be over. "I always knew you'd be my first, Severus."
"Get off me." He just had to ruin it. A bitter taste was left in my mouth, a heavy weight settling in my stomach. Those words were enough to destroy everything.
"What?" Seeing the confusion in his eyes almost undid me. His words echoed in my mind, taunting me.
"Get off me." I forced my voice to be stronger, harsher. "Get off me, and get out."
"Severus, why?" That same hurt face, the exact same look he had had all those years ago.
"I said," I tried to keep my voice calm. Feeling him push in closer to me, and I couldn't control my anger. "Get off me!"
I was wrong, it wasn't just the conversation that was doomed from the start. We were doomed. I was doomed.
Lily was dead. Lily was dead, and the man I loved hated me. I knew I deserved it, knew the pain was because of the horrible things I had done. I took the job Dumbledore offered me, if only because I had nothing else. I'd work for him, teach the next generation of witches and wizards, if only to distract myself from what could have been.
Voldemort had fallen, and little Harry Potter had lived. What was left of my heart died that night, knowing my oldest friend, my little sister, was gone from this world.
A/N: So this took a lot less time then I thought it would, yay me. Kinda happy with how this is going, though I feel bad for torturing characters that aren't my own. Everything will get wrapped up in the next chapter, and then I shall try and think of the next thing to write. Happy readings ^.^