Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Narp!

oOo

While the Queen and her advisors were still discussing what to do about their unfortunate situation or whether anything could be done at all, the battle ships of the Trade Federation were already on their way to invade Naboo.

But unknown to the leaders of this mechanical army, these ships were not only carrying mindless battle droids. Two stowaways were also on board of two different ships.

As the commanding droid of one such transport went past an especially dark niche, his olfactory chemoreceptor picked up traces of unusual chemicals. Quickly running a check in its internal database of organic molecules, it found them to be mostly synthetic analogues to biochemical substances that gave flowers their scent and a bit of evaporating ethanol. Swiftly cross-referencing its discoveries with its algorithm to separate threats from non-threats, it found flowers to be not threatening and so didn't further inquire where that scent was coming from, much to the relief of the Jedi who was still reeking of perfume and who for now remained hidden in said dark corner.

A short time later, Obi-Wan could finally abandon the cramped hiding spot on the transport ship and stretch his legs again. He was glad that they had finally arrived on Naboo; at least there was some fresh air here. He sniffed his robe again, the corners of his mouth slightly twitching downwards in disgust. With his luck, the smell would stubbornly cling to him right to the end of this mission. Hoping that water might help some against the overwhelming smell and that he might escape from the battle droids unnoticed, he jumped into the nearest pool of swampy water.

Wait, pool of swampy water? Wasn't this supposed to be an invasion of Naboo? And wouldn't reason dictate in that case that the invasion army be sent to some kind of strategically significant location, like the capital city of Naboo, where the Queen and her court resided? Obi-Wan looked around to the huge trees and marshy landscape. Unless the Naboo were microscopic life forms who resided on the underside of a big leaf (and the Padawan very much doubted that), they were not in Theed but somewhere in the wilderness, miles away from any kind of civilization, much less the Palace of Theed.

"Marvellous!" Obi-Wan groaned. This was certainly not his day. The negotiations hadn't even had a chance to fail as they had never started in the first place. He stank like he had bathed in perfume (and girly perfume, no less), and his baaad feeling had been nagging at him all day, gradually getting stronger. And now, the battle droids had spotted him and immediately started shooting at him. But Obi-Wan was not completely helpless. In seconds, he had neatly disposed of the droids. But just as he wanted to apply himself to the task of locating his Master in this tangled forest, another two droids appeared. He disposed of them just as efficiently as the first two, but then yet another two of these mechanical pests appeared…

After Obi-Wan had reduced about two dozen battle droids to smoldering heaps of metal and wire and still new ones kept appearing when their predecessors were destroyed, he decided that he had had quite enough of that. Deeming that under these circumstances finding his Master without wasting precious time trying to find out if the supply of droids ever ran out was his top priority, he made his way through the trees and the holes filled with murky water towards Qui-Gon.

With every step, the bad feeling that had been plaguing him all day grew stronger. Obi-Wan wondered what the cause for that bad feeling was. Was it the huge invasion army presently on its way to the capital of the planet they were supposed to protect? Was it that their mission was quickly going down the drain, their attempt at keeping the peace having failed completely? Was it that he was now dodging blaster bolts from the droids chasing him? Was it that the Sith were only using this political fiasco to take over the Republic?

Just as he rounded the next corner, Obi-Wan spotted his Master and a tall, lanky amphibious creature with long, floppy ears. At once, he knew that this strange thing Qui-Gon had apparently picked up was responsible for his persistent bad feeling, which had been steadily becoming less and less elusive as he had drawn nearer to his Master and his rather dumb-looking companion.

Obi-Wan let his Master take care of the droids chasing him, even though it made him look rather stupid for not being able to handle them himself. But his plan worked, and no new droids came forth. Maybe it was just another of these days where Obi-Wan felt that everyone was out to get him.

While Qui-Gon was taking care of the droids, Obi-Wan took another look at what was apparently Qui-Gon's newest project. By now, Obi-Wan was used to having to deal with the pathetic life forms his Master picked up just about everywhere. But this looked to be the most pathetic one by far.

Obi-Wan wondered if it could speak; at least it looked like it had the larynx necessary for producing words.

"You saved my again!" it said, in an annoyingly shrill voice.

No, obviously it couldn't speak.

Obi-Wan turned a slightly accusatory gaze on Qui-Gon, while the irritating creature still was gawking at its rescuer.

"What's this?" he enquired, a little cross that his Master had picked up yet another pathetic life form that would invariably end up in Obi-Wan's care when his ever-living-in-the-present Master lost interest in it.

"A local," Qui-Gon answered. Duh, as if Obi-Wan couldn't have figured that out by himself.

Cutting short any sarcastic remark from his apprentice, Qui-Gon decreed: "Let's get out of here before more droids show up."

And with that, they left the local, hoping that it wouldn't follow.

But obviously, the prospect of more droids was both startling and terrifying for the stupid alien, who was probably a Gungan, from what Obi-Wan had read about them in preparation for this mission, even though he didn't look anything like the pictures he had seen.

"More? 'More' did you spake?" And with that, he ran after the Jedi. "Ex-squeeze me, but de mostest safest place would be Gunga City. Is where I grew up. 'Tis a hidden city."

Obi-Wan almost groaned. Trust Qui-Gon Jinn to find the only creature in the whole Galaxy whose manner of speech was even more annoying than Yoda's. But as they were still somewhere in the wilderness with nothing but miles of swamp and forest around them and probably at the antipode of Theed, maybe they could get some transport or at least directions to the capital city of Naboo.

His interest awoken, Qui-Gon enquired: "A city?"

The creature (Obi-Wan suspected that it probably had some such ridiculous name like Container Container, Bin Bin, Pot Pot or Jar Jar) nodded:" Uh-huh!"

"Can you take us there?" Qui-Gon requested.

Great, Obi-Wan thought. A whole city of brainless Gungans who couldn't adhere to the rules of proper grammar.

But then, Jar Jar, who was the one to bring up this secret, hidden city, said: "On second thought, no. Not really, no."

Incredulous, Qui-Gon asked, turning towards the Gungan: "No?"

Obi-Wan also looked around. This was completely illogical. First, Jar Jar had practically offered them to bring the Jedi to this city full of idiots, and in the next second, the creature had changed its mind.

"'Tis embarrassing," the Gungan admitted, "but, ah, my afraid my have been banished. My forgotten. Da bosses would do terrible tings to me. Terrible tings to me if me goen back dare."

Although Obi-Wan admired the Gungan bosses for having enough common sense to banish someone as annoying and destructive (even if he didn't do it on purpose) as Jar Jar, he also pitied the pathetic creature, because the Jedi wouldn't give up so quickly. They would have to convince the bumbling Gungan to take them to their secret city, anyway, if they wanted to prevent a political disaster and rescue the Queen.

"You hear that?" Qui-Gon wanted to know.

Jar Jar lifted one floppy ear to listen to the distant sound of battle droid transports rumbling through the swamp.

"Yah!" he shrugged, clearly oblivious what that sound meant for him.

So Qui-Gon stepped closer to him, uttering a barely concealed threat: "This is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way."

Still, Jar Jar didn't grasp the meaning, and although Obi-Wan considered what was just said excessively blunt even for his Master, the Gungan apparently still needed to be further convinced of the severity of their situation. A stronger argument was needed to get through Jar Jar's thick skull. So Obi-Wan stepped closer to the Gungan, too, staring into his yellow eyes, and said: "If they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny pieces and blast us into oblivion."

Obi-Wan couldn't quite keep the sparkle of amusement from his eyes as he said that. Well, maybe it was a bit overdramatic, but at least it served his purpose. Glancing apologetically at his Master for this necessary exaggeration, he had to concede that this was not even near the truth. Well, maybe Jar Jar would be crushed, ground into tiny pieces and blasted into oblivion, but Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan wouldn't be proper Jedi if a few of these spindly battle droids could harm them.

Finally understanding, Jar Jar just said: "Oh!"

One could almost see the gears in his mind shifting. Obi-Wan mused that they probably hadn't been oiled for some time.

"Yousa point is well seen. Dis way, hurry!" Jar Jar urged, pointing in one direction and turning in a completely different one. Obi-Wan had to duck to prevent being struck by Jar Jar's flapping ears.

Now, the Gungan was very much in a hurry. He led the way towards a small lake in swift, long strides, trusting that the Jedi keep up with him. Maybe it had been a bit much, Obi-Wan admitted. Now, Jar Jar was nervous and anxious to reach safety, even if that meant facing the bosses and the punishment he was risking by entering Gunga City. After a few minutes, they arrived at the edge of a lake.

"How much further?" Qui-Gon asked. Obi-Wan was sorely tempted to tell his Master to be patient, as that was what his Master always told him. Before he could decide whether it would be simple teasing or impertinence, Jar Jar informed them: "Wesa goen underwater, okeyday? Ah, my warning you. Gungans no liken outsiders, so don't 'spect a warm welcome."

"Don't worry, this hasn't been our day for warm welcomes," Obi-Wan told the Gungan, but with Jar Jar, one couldn't be so sure if he picked up the sarcasm behind that statement.

But now that they were standing knee-deep in the water, Jar Jar was stalling, nervously shifting on his feet. No amount of talking on Qui-Gon's part got him going again. And after reasoning with the Gungan for five minutes, even the Jedi Master's patience was growing thin.

But then his apprentice, who had obviously learned a thing or two about pathetic life forms under Qui-Gon's tutelage, came to his rescue. He picked up a stick from the ground, waved it in front of Jar Jar a few times and then said encouragingly: "Go, get it!" and threw it out into the lake.

All of his doubts overcome by the need to get the stick, Jar Jar gave an enthusiastic cry before somersaulting into the lake, chasing after the piece of wood.

Obi-Wan smiled apologetically at his Master, who couldn't quite keep the corners of his mouth from twitching in amusement. Then they got their breathers out and waded into the lake to follow Jar Jar.

Just at that moment they heard the cry of a strange bird which sounded distinctly like a malicious cackle. Qui-Gon looked around but couldn't spot the animal that had made the strange sound. Obi-Wan just hoped that it wasn't meant as some kind of ominous foreboding.

At that moment, Jar Jar reemerged. "Yousa follow me now, okeyday?"

Apparently he had found the stick and he didn't have any more qualms now that he was in the water.

Diving into the lake, they found that it didn't look like a rather small lake anymore but rather like half an ocean. Funny how deceptively small the thing looked from the outside, but that was probably on purpose to keep the hidden city hidden.

Diving down towards the huge illuminated bubbles on stakes that formed the city of the Gungans, Qui-Gon and his Padawan shared a surprised glance. Apparently it was only by pure luck that this "hidden city" was still hidden, as the whole lake would probably glow like an entire herd of glowworms at night when the inhabitants turned their lights on.

The Jedi and their guide entered one of the bigger, more central bubbles, passing through some kind of vertical water surface that kept the inside of the city from being flooded.

And apparently the will of the Producer… erm, Force was with them, as they were not dripping wet as they by all rights should have been, but only slightly damp.

"So good bein home!" Jar Jar exclaimed once they were inside. But they had only ventured a few steps into the city before Jar Jar and the two Jedi were stopped by some military-looking Gungan riding on what looked like a giant featherless chicken without wings. Absently, Obi-Wan wondered how they had brought the creature all the way into the lake as it didn't exactly look like it could swim.

The approaching Gungan was obviously some kind of guard of the city.

"Hey, yousa. Stopa dare." the guard told them.

It seemed that Jar Jar knew him: "Heyo-dales, Capt'n Tarpals. Mesa back!" he said, smiling up optimistically at his long-time friend.

But it seemed that his hopes were disappointed. Capt'n Tarpals groaned: "Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada in big dudu dis time."

Upon hearing this, Jar Jar seemed to shrink a bit, looking even more pathetic than he usually did. Obi-Wan felt sorry for him, it seemed like the Gungan was now in serious trouble thanks to the Jedi. He decided that he would convince his Master to help the poor creature, even though he would probably regret it later.

Soon, they were surrounded by more mounted Gungans. The Jedi tried to look as unthreatening as possible, just standing there, their hands hanging straight down. For Jar Jar, this tactic didn't work, though. Although he was the one looking the most harmless of the three, he got zapped by one of the electrostaffs.

"How wude!" he retorted.

Obi-Wan got the feeling that this was not the last time he would hear that exasperating expletive.

A short time later, Qui-Gon stood in front of the Gungan equivalent of the Jedi Council, his Padawan standing a few steps behind him. Jar Jar was off somewhere to the side, handcuffed and being restrained by two guards.

"Yousa cannot bees hair." The leader of the Gungans informed them matter-of-factly.

Obi-Wan thought that this remark was not very suitable, as they obviously were here already.

"Dis army of Mackineeks up dare is new weesong."

Yeah, whatever, Obi-Wan thought.

Apparently his Master could gain some meaning from this babbling, or maybe he had just done some lucky guessing.

Whatever it was, he stated without missing a beat: "A droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them."

But Boss Nass, as he had been introduced earlier, wasn't very convinced by this argument.

"Weesa no like da Naboo. Da Naboo tink day so smarty. Day tink day brains sooo big."

Now where did they get that idea, Obi-Wan thought. But maybe these Gungans were not as dumb as they sounded. Just because they talked in a strange manner didn't mean that they weren't capable of reason. He looked over to Jar Jar. Well, at least it didn't mean that most of them weren't capable of reason. After all, Master Yoda also had a very strange and backwards manner of talking, and still he was one of the wisest Jedi ever. So he gave it another try. Maybe these Gungans could be reasoned with after all. He stepped forth a few paces and patiently explained in the simplest words that came to his mind:

"Once those droids take control of the surface, they will take control of you."

But his argument met a thick wall of indifference. "Meesa no tink so. Day not know of uss-en" Boss Nass said.

Never one to give up quickly, Obi-Wan tried once again: "You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this."

But he was fighting a losing battle against the bullheadedness of "da Boss".

"Weesa no caren about da Naboo" Boss Nass explained disdainfully.

To Boss Nass, this was all very strange and suspicious. First, Jar Jar had come back once again when he had personally threatened him with the worst punishment he could come up with. And now he had returned anyway. This time, though, he wouldn't give in to Jar Jar's pleading look. This time he would be punished as they had told him last time they had sent him away. This time, they would really tickle him till he was unconscious from laughing.

Then there were these strange Jedi who stank like the strange fragile and colourful plants the Naboo had brought on their planet, and he also thought he detected tiny whiff of gooberfish. And now there was that young guy who used all these big words. Boss Nass didn't understand half of what this Jedi had said.

But now the tall and hairy one said with a small wave of his hand: "Then speed us on our way."

And suddenly, he seemed like such a nice and reasonableguy who just wanted to do his job, so "da Boss" immediately agreed: "Weesa ganna speed yous away."

Near enough, Obi-Wan thought.

"We could use some transport," the tall Jedi continued with another wave of his hand.

"Wesa give yousa una bongo," Boss Nass decreed at once. "Da speediest way tooda Naboo 'tis goen through the planet cooooore. Now go," he ended.

Finally, Obi-Wan thought, glad that he didn't have to listen to these Gungans any longer. Obviously, diplomacy had already failed for the second time on this mission, and before Obi-Wan started quoting every bit he had ever read about the Gungans, the Naboo and symbiont circles, Qui-Gon had resorted to a Jedi mind trick to convince the Gungans.

"Thank you for your help. We leave in peace," Qui-Gon said as both he and Obi-Wan bowed to the Gungan council.

As they turned around to leave, Obi-Wan asked: "Master, what's a bongo?"

He hoped that his Master knew exactly what was awaiting them, because if he didn't Obi-Wan had a suspicion that a bongo was not a means of transportation but in fact a drum.

"A transport, I hope," was his Master's answer. Great, so he didn't have a clue, either.

Just as they were about to leave the council chamber, Jar Jar warned them: "Deysa setten yousa up. Goen through da planet core? Bad bombin'."

Obi-Wan supposed that if it was "bad bombin'", it must be something really terrible.

"Any help here would be hot." Jar Jar added with a miserable grin.

Obi-Wan almost stumbled. Had that actually been a correct (if somewhat awkward) sentence from Jar Jar? But he had already taken pity on the wretched Gungan and so did the one thing that would make sure that Qui-Gon did everything to help that particular pathetic life form.

He informed Qui-Gon: "Master, we're short on time."

Obi-Wan knew that this would only make his stubborn Master do his best to prove his apprentice and his seemingly uncaring attitude towards these pathetic life forms wrong by showing him that said life forms could turn out useful in the end. And he was right. His Master quickly made up a reason why they would need the Gungan.

"We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help."

Right, as if Jar Jar were capable of navigating anything. He would probably even get lost in his own closet. But still, Obi-Wan quietly bowed his head and acquiesced. This was working out just the way he had planned, for a change.

His Master once again approached Boss Nass, asking: "What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?"

"Hisen to be pune-ished," the Gungan leader informed them with no small amount of glee in his expression.

Dejectedly, Jar Jar lowered his head.

"I saved his life. He owes me what you call a 'life-debt'. Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now," Qui-Gon argued. Obi-Wan strongly suspected that his Master had just made that up on the spot.

"Binksssss, yousa haven a lifeplay with disen hisen?" Boss Nass asked, clearly annoyed at the prospect of having to let Jar Jar go without getting to tickle him first.

As Jar Jar nodded emphatically, the Gungan leader slobbered, sprinkling his fellow councillors with spittle, and then shouted: "Begone wit him!"

With a pleased smile, Qui-Gon bowed once again, then turned around and headed towards his waiting apprentice.

To Obi-Wan's surprise, Jar Jar immediately insisted: "Count me outta dis one. Better dead here than dead in da core." Then, he hit his haid, and shouted: "Yee gods! What mesa sayin'?"

And with that, he followed the Jedi out of the council room.

As Qui-Gon was away accompanying Jar Jar who was tying up some loose ends before leaving, Obi-Wan went to the docking bay to enquire what a bongo might be. As he had suspected, they were to be given what looked like a small drum. How that should get them anywhere, much less this frightful "planet coooore", was completely beyond Obi-Wan. Fortunately, Gungans were not exactly the brightest people, and as Obi-Wan claimed that they were to be given a transport, the Gungan gave it to him without question. He didn't even have to apply a mind trick.

When Qui-Gon and Jar Jar returned, Obi-Wan's Master quietly remarked, nodding to their acquired transport: "So this is a bongo? I told you it was some kind of transport, didn't I?"

Obi-Wan simply said nothing.

And with that, they left Gungan City, on their way to the fearsome core and hopefully Theed, the capital of Naboo.

oOo

Edited on 24th December, 2010