I do not own Axis Powers Hetalia.

Alfred's Teenage Journey

By waterrain

Alfred was glad to be back home, he did a couple of cartwheels, and home sweet home. No more bland hospital food. He was enjoying the fresh air and decided to climb Arthur's apple tree.

"Alfred!"

"What is it, Arthur?"

"Get down from there! What if you fall and break your arm or leg?"

"Don't jinx me, Artie." Alfred stated in a relaxed tone as he picked an apple and brought it to his lips.

"If you do not get down right now I will come up there and get you."

"I got a few questions to ask you, Arthur."

"Alfred, Just say them already no need to be so dramatic."

"What is it called when another person touches your lower area and that sticky stuff comes out?" Alfred asked suddenly and the English teen nearly fell out of his apple tree, but managed to catch himself and took a deep breath before asking an important question to the American.

"Alfred Jones, Are you trying to make me fall off this tree?"

"No. What is it called when another person-"

"It's called a hand-job."

"Why the heck is it called a hand-job?"

"Have you heard of a blow job? What do you think it means?"

"No. Well I think it's a job in which a person blows bubbles or something like that." Alfred commented cheerfully, Arthur closed his green eyes, and sighed heavily.

"No, Alfred. It's does not involve blowing bubbles. Hand-Job...Blow-Job notice the somewhat similar name? So a hand-job involves a person rubbing a person's private area with their hand and making cum come out. Of course it's also called-"

"What's cum? Is that what that sticky stuff is called?" Alfred asked curiously and he wondered why the English teen was staring at him. "What?"

"Alfred, I have some serious questions for you." Arthur said calmly as he looked at the thirteen year old teen.

"Just ask no need to be dramatic, Arthur." Alfred stated flatly as he looked at the fourteen year old teen.

"Do you masturbate?"

"What does masturbate mean? Is it something dealing with fishing?" Alfred asked him and he wondered why Arthur groaned.

"Alfred, Have you had a wet dream?"

"What's a wet dream?" Alfred asked him and he wondered why Arthur suddenly hugged him.

"I feel so sorry for you, Alfred. You poor clueless little lamb." Arthur said in a low voice, he had his forehead on Alfred's shoulder, and sighed heavily. "How are you so bloody clueless?"

"I'm not clueless. I know how to count, my ABC's, basic math, reading, writing, and stuff. I know the names of the planets." Alfred stated firmly as he carefully pushed Arthur away and crossed his arms in annoyance at being called clueless.

"Alfred, Let's play a word and meaning game." Arthur managed to say calmly. "Cock."

"Why are you talking about roosters now?" Alfred asked curiously and he smiled brightly. "Are you planning to buy a cock or do you just want to learn how to take care of one just in case you get one? I hope if you get a cock that you won't be having it for dinner."

'Bloody hell.' Arthur briefly thought and he rubbed his forehead. 'What he is saying sounds wrong on many different levels.'

"Pussy."

"So you want to buy a cat?"

"Bitch."

"Artie, I know that I'm not being one because I'm not being unreasonable and junk. So are you talking about a female dog? Are you talking about the first female-fronted American heavy metal band ever signed to a record label?"

"Dildo."

"Huh what's a dildo? Is it a person or place or thing or animal?"

"Testicle."

"Some kind of test?"

"Phallus."

"Huh? What is a phallus?"

"Stunt cock."

"A rooster that has a stunt rooster doing dangerous stuff like jumping off a hen house."

"Dick."

"Are you talking about Dick's Drive-In? We don't have any Dick in this state."

Arthur closed his green eyes, he rubbed his forehead, and decided to look at Alfred.

"Alfred, Have you ever been given the talk?"

"What do you mean by the talk?"

"The talk, Alfred. The talk."

"What talk?"

"Have you ever been given the talk by anyone?"

"People talk to me all the time because-"

"Have you ever been given the talk…The one that deals with sex and certain functions of the lower body."

"Hmm, I think I wasn't paying much attention. Well, I know that I have a penis and that I can somehow get a girl pregnant by using it by doing something with it."

"Alfred, Alfred, Alfred. Why the bloody hell did you not pay much attention to the sex talk?"

"I don't know, Artie. I might have been sleepy or hungry or lost in trying to find the meaning of death or something. Why does it even matter?" Alfred commented calmly and he tilted his head to the side. "Besides the word sex sounds lame and I don't like anything that sounds lame."

Arthur's cheeks were red, he felt like shaking Alfred, and saying 'Yes, It does bloody matter and do you have any idea how sexually frustrated I'm because of you'.

"What's wrong, Arthur? Do you have a fever?" Alfred asked in a worried voice as he looked at the English teen.

'I'm fourteen years old and I know a lot about sex due to the internet. Due to having the talk, reading books, and watching adult movies also known as porn. I look at Alfred and want to do some of the things I saw in the adult movies.' Arthur thought and he sighed heavily. 'Alfred is thirteen years old, very clueless, thinks the word sex sounds lame, and so on. Fate is such a bitch.'

"No, I'm silently swearing and cursing fate for being such a bitch to me." Arthur replied and he shook his head. "Oh, Fate is such a cold hearted bitch."

"You really should have your mouth washed out with soap." Alfred commented calmly as he easily climbed down the tree. "Anyway, I'm going to ask Mattie what is a dildo and stuff. Is it a person or place or thing or animal."

Alfred started to walk away and after a moment Arthur quickly climbed down from his apple tree after hearing the American saying that. Matthew came outside to check up on his twin.

"Hey, Mattie! Arthur and I were talking about all kinds of stuff. Mattie, What is a dildo?"

Arthur swiftly tackled Alfred, the green eyed teen looked up, and noticed Mathew's expression was rather scary.

'Bloody hell. If only I had just jumped down instead of climbed down.' Arthur briefly thought and he got off of Alfred.

"I do not know." Matthew lied and he crossed his arms. "Alfie, Your favorite cartoon is about to come on. You have enough time to make some popcorn and grab yourself a cola."

Alfred walked inside while Matthew stayed outside and looked at Arthur.

"Kirkland, Why the hell did you say the word dildo to my younger twin? What are you planning?" Matthew asked in a low voice, his eyes narrowed, and arms crossed. Arthur decided to quickly leave and made sure to lock his door. Alfred wondered how he did on the word & meaning game with Arthur, but he will ask him later along with getting information out of the English teen.

Please Review and Thank You.

Bitch is a female-fronted American heavy metal band, formed in Los Angeles in December 1980. They gained notoriety as a result of their theatrical live performances inspired by Alice Cooper, which featured tongue-in-cheek sadomasochistic themes. Bitch was first artist ever signed to Metal Blade Records, and are also the first female-fronted American heavy metal band ever signed to a record label.

Dick's Drive-In, or simply Dick's, is a fast-food restaurant chain located in Seattle, Washington. Founded in 1954, Dick's is Seattle's oldest, continuously operating fast-food restaurant. Dick's has, according to the Puget Sound Business Journal, attained status as a Seattle icon.