Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, but I do like chocolate!

oOo

Shortly afterwards, the two Jedi had left the Gungan city with the not-bongo. Aboard was also Jar Jar Binks, possibly the most pathetic life form Qui-Gon had picked up in years – surely the most pathetic one Obi-Wan had ever met in his time as Qui-Gon's apprentice.

Obi-Wan was driving with Jar Jar sitting next to him. Qui-Gon was sitting in the back. Obi-Wan wondered why his Master left it to him to steer their strange vessel because Qui-Gon would invariably start to tell him where to go and how to drive, even though his apprentice was an excellent pilot. He simply was an incorrigible backseat driver. In addition, Obi-Wan suspected that his Master didn't want to sit next to Jar Jar.

"Dis is nutsen!" the Gungan declared loudly.

In Obi-Wan's opinion, this statement effectively summed up the situation they were currently in. Some minor bureaucratic squabbling was quickly turning into full-blown war complete with an invasion of this planet, their seemingly easy mission to keep peace had failed spectacularly before it had even started properly, and now they were deep inside what had looked like a comparably small lake on the surface, on their way to Theed with a short detour through the planet core.

But before Obi-Wan could finish thinking about what had gone wrong so far and, much worse, what would probably shortly go wrong on this mission, Jar Jar interrupted his evaluation of the situation by randomly stating: "Oh, gooberfish!"

And although it was obvious that they were at that moment passing through a school these so-called gooberfish, Obi-Wan decided to put an end to Jar Jar's random babbling which had been going on for some time now. Apparently, the Gungan was enormously agitated and just couldn't keep his scant wits about him.

Trying to get Jar Jar to think about something else and maybe calm him down a bit, Obi-Wan tried to make some polite conversation. And as the weather seemed to be the wrong thing to talk about so many miles below the surface of this planet-spanning ocean and Jar Jar wouldn't know anything about politics (not that the Padawan was exactly dismayed that he didn't have to talk about politics, which were one of his particularly favoured topics), he asked politely: "Why were you banished, Jar Jar?"

As there was a chance that he would have to put up with the Gungan even longer than with the girlish scent stubbornly clinging to his clothes, Obi-Wan figured that he might as well get acquainted with Jar Jar. It could well be that the Gungan might become the representative of his people in the Senate, and his stupidity might be used by evil, scheming politicians to gain emergency powers.

Sitting in the back seat, Qui-Gon smiled benignly. There went his Padawan again, finally acknowledging their travel companion, which relieved the Jedi Master greatly, as he didn't really want to talk to his newest project. Fortunately his Padawan hadn't started some small talk about the weather, as he usually did when faced with people he didn't want to talk to, especially politicians. Admittedly, that was about the only topic one could stand to talk about with politicians, because it was a generally agreed-upon fact that good weather was good and bad weather was bad, and even the most dishonest and devious politicians had to agree to that.

And whenever his apprentice just needed something to occupy someone, he made a remark about some current political issue, trusting that the person opposite to him would then start ranting on and on about it, leaving Obi-Wan to think about something else and only requiring him to make some non-committal noises or gestures from time to time.

Pointing his thumb over his shoulder at Qui-Gon, Jar Jar interrupted the inner monologue: "Sorry, my forgotten what yousa were asking. Dissen Jedi was thinkin' too many. Yousa please repeat your question?"

Patiently, Obi-Wan repeated his question. He was already used to the long intermissions in conversation caused by his Master's incessant silent comments.

Jar Jar explained: "It's a longo tale-o, buta a small part of it would be mesa… clumsy." He looked away and lowered his head dejectedly.

Incredulous, Obi-Wan asked: "You were banished because you are clumsy?"

He still didn't know what to think of the Gungan, whether to feel pity for the sad creature because now one could stand him for an extended period of time and he didn't seem to have any friends, or to be annoyed by him to the point of not being able to stand him for any extended period of time and not wanting to be his friend.

"Ahh, yousa might'n be sayin dat," Jar Jar admitted, clearly embarrassed.

As they sank into the depths of the lake, Jar Jar explained his predicament, waving his arms around wildly: "Mesa caused mabee one two-y little bitty axadentes, huh? Yud-say boom da gasser, den crashin der boss's heyblibber, den banished."

Obi-Wan frowned slightly, concentrating on where they were going and at the same time wondering what a "gasser" was or how something that was called a "heyblibber" might look like. It sounded like some kind of vehicle, anyway. He found it rather unfair to banish someone just because that someone was responsible for some (or rather, in that case, numerous) accidents. But then he supposed that if someone crashed Mace's – sorry, Master Windu's - speeder, these unfortunate ones would also be kicked out of the Jedi Order rather unceremoniously.

While listening to Jar Jar's account of unfortunate accidents and thinking about Mace's speeder, Obi-Wan was additionally trying to evade the huge half-fish, half-flea that he could see chasing them in the rear-view mirror without a panicked Gungan next to him. Jar Jar had already gotten dangerously close to hitting the huge red EJECT-button with his uncontrolled gesticulation when he was just generally excited. Obi-Wan didn't want to find out what he would be like when he was terrified.

But the not-bongo wasn't quite fast enough to escape the sticky tongue the huge fish-like monster was flinging their way. As they came to an abrupt halt, everyone turned around to look for the reason of this unexpected stop. Upon seeing the thing that was about to eat them, not-bongo and all, Qui-Gon looked slightly surprised, whereas Jar Jar was shocked, giving a shrill cry of astonishment.

While the others were still staring at the monster, Obi-Wan was turning back to his controls, trying to find a way out of this situation that didn't involve ending up in the stomach of this thing.

"OOOH, big gooberfish! Huge-o teeth!" Jar Jar cried.

As if they couldn't see that for themselves. Besides, this gooberfish didn't look in any way similar to the smaller animals they had encountered earlier which Jar Jar had also referred to as gooberfish. Maybe the Gungans simply labeled every creature that lived in the water as "gooberfish" by default.

As the gooberfish made away with this nice dinner in a tin it had just caught, a huge creature that looked like Godzilla appeared in the background, caught the tiny gooberfish (well, tiny in comparison) with its "even more huge-o teeth". Obi-Wan could already picture the outcome of this. Any minute now, his Master would finally have reason for one of his favourite sayings.

And really, the gooberfish let go of its dinner as it was ripped into pieces by Godzilla. Apparently, gooberfish wasn't to the taste of Godzilla, as the monster threw away half of the meal it had just caught after taking a bite.

Any second now, Obi-Wan thought. Come on, you only get one chance to say this in a situation where it actually makes sense, the Padawan silently urged Qui-Gon.

But the Jedi Master stayed quiet. The only thing that could be heard was agitated breathing from Jar Jar, who was clearly in the early stages of cardiac arrest.

"Master?" Obi-Wan asked, concerned. "Are you all right?"

His Master was still staring out the rear window of their transport, a faraway look in his eyes.

Then, he snapped out of it. "What?" he asked, still a bit confused.

"Don't you want to impart some of your famous wisdom on us, Master?" Obi-Wan asked, half concerned, half teasing. "You know, this might be your only chance to say your favourite sentence without sounding completely random."

"Ahh, yes," Qui-Gon agreed, still a bit absent. "Of course. Now, here we go: Your focus determines you reality!"

A worried frown formed on Obi-Wan's face. "No, that's the wrong one. This one doesn't ever make sense. I meant the other one. Master, are you sure you're all right?"

Qui-Gon waved his Padawan's concern away. "Yes, I'm all right. Just a bit preoccupied because your piloting skills almost got us eaten. So which one of the many things I always say do you want to hear? How about 'You must focus on the here and now, my young apprentice'? Or would you rather like 'Be mindful of the Living Force, Obi-Wan'?" Qui-Gon enquired.

Obi-Wan found it rather unfair to blame their almost ending up as dinner for some huge carnivorous inhabitant of this underground ocean on his skills as a pilot. But what worried him a lot more was that Qui-Gon couldn't seem to remember his favourite bit of wisdom.

"You know, the one about there always being a bigger fish." He reminded his Master.

Now it was Qui-Gon's turn to frown. "But why would I want to say that right now? It is in no way applicable to this situation. I think you have completely misunderstood the deeper meaning I've tried to teach you with this. You mustn't take everything literally! Clearly you still have much to learn, Obi-Wan."

Deeper meaning? Not applicable to this situation? Obi-Wan thought he hadn't heard quite right. There's a deeper meaning if he says that there's always a bigger fish?

But the damage was already done, and now his Master started headlong into a long lecture about bigger fishes and hidden connotations, while Jar Jar insisted: "Mesa tink we goen back now!" just as they entered an underwater tunnel that would lead them even further towards the planet core.

Wonderful! Obi-Wan thought. This mission is getting better by the minute.

oOo

On the droid control ship, the viceroy of the Trade Federation was glad that he had at least something positive to report.

"The invasion is on schedule, my lord," he said.

He didn't mention that the battle droids had a computer virus somewhere in their programming (they had the compulsion to say "Roger, Roger" ever so often) and that not only had they lost the two Jedi somewhere on their ship, but most probably said Jedi had somehow managed to get down on the planet all without the hypersensitive (and also extremely expensive) security system noticing anything. The lord they were currently talking to would be less than thrilled if he learned about that. Which is why they didn't tell him. It was the Sith Lord`s birthday and they didn't want to spoil his mood or else the birthday party would be not only exceedingly boring but also rather painful, as Darth Sidious had the maddening habit of zapping everyone with Force lightning while shaking hands whenever he was in a bad temper.

"I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system," the larger-than-life holoprojection said.

The blue figure that represented Darth Sidious looked conspicuously like Senator Palpatine with a hood drawn over his face almost to his chin. But every time anyone approached him about that, he insisted that the similarities in appearance were completely coincidental and that the political power the Sith wielded were "not in any way related to the respected senator and rather good-looking future supreme chancellor from Naboo".

At first the Trade Federation was a bit worried that their Sith ally would so openly support the senator of the planet they were currently threatening in his bid for the office of supreme chancellor, but when Sidious told them with an evil cackle that this was all part of his master plan, they decided to go along with it as they had been promised that their actions would be legalized subsequently. And besides, it was still his birthday.

But the viceroy still had doubts about the political situation. "The Queen has great faith that the Senate will side with her. And besides, she's an annoying slip of a girl who started threatening us with reduced pocket money. She even claimed that we would be grounded for a week."

Throwing an anxious glance at the hooded man in front of him, he asked: "Do you think the senate will take such drastic measures?"

But the man who could easily have placed third or even second in any Palpatine look-alike contest assured them: "Queen Amidala is young and naïve. You will find controlling her will not be difficult. After all, she's just a teenager. And you're all grown… aliens… or whatever. Just give her something to distract her. A magazine for girls with lots of stupid love stories and pictures of horses, a sappy romantic movie, a few girls to giggle with, an invitation to a pyjama party… or maybe even better, just hand her some poor handsome young man and she won't stop squabbling over him with her handmaidens for the next month. I am sure you can handle her."

"Yes, my lord," the Neimoidans agreed at once.

Without even saying goodbye, the blue Sith flickered out of existence.

As soon as he couldn't hear them anymore, the associate of the viceroy pointed out: "You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi."

"No need to report that to him until we have something to report." The viceroy warned. "And besides, didn't he tell us to 'hand her some poor handsome young man'? And didn't we just do that?"

His assistant gave him a quizzical look. He feared that his boss had lost a few of his marbles.

But the viceroy further elaborated: "Well, I am no judge of these things, but I think that, by human standards, one of these Jedi would certainly qualify as handsome. And didn't we just more or less send the Jedi to the Queen? She will probably become all weak-kneed and shiny-eyed over her 'heroic Jedi hero' or some such nonsense. And from what I've heard, these human girls really like muscles and attractive features. And I think she will especially like the long hair and the beard of her oh-so-wonderful rescuer, don't you? And before we can count to three, the queen will have fallen for that grey-streaked hair and the impressive stature of Master 'What's-his-name'. And then she will be lovesick and unable to do anything against us. And besides, we still don't want to disappoint Lord Sidious. It's his birthday, remember?"

And with a quiet chuckle, the two Neimoidians walked down another of these endless corridors, priding themselves on their intricate knowledge of the workings of the human mind…

oOo

Edited on 26th December, 2010