Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I can't think of anything witty right now, so you'll just have to believe me if I say the usual boring thing: NO! I don't own anything.

oOo

"There are too many of them," Captain Panaka sighed. But he didn't refer to the battle droids. Maybe they could get the young Jedi to dispose of them now that he had apparently recovered from his shock of seeing Hanké dressed up as Queen – a sight that had already shocked many of the more gentle souls visiting the Palace of Naboo. No, that wouldn't be a problem. But as the Captain assessed the situation, he realized that the whole group would sooner or later go to Coruscant, which meant that they would have to take at least six of the handmaidens with them. That was definitely at least five and a half too many for Panaka.

But the Jedi Master interrupted Panaka's train of thought.

"That won't be a problem," he dismissed the Captain's concern. Qui-Gon thought that Panaka needn't worry about all these handmaidens bothering him, experience had taught the Jedi Master that they would probably all flock around his Padawan in no time.

Then turning towards the Queen, the Jedi Master said: "Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us."

"Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is with my people," the "Queen" spoke in a terribly squeaky falsetto voice that sounded strained as nature had clearly intended it to be a deep basso one instead. The worst thing was that at the same time, she spoke in a droning monotone voice. The combination was sure to give anyone a headache in no time.

Once again, Obi-Wan had to admire his Master's incredible self-control as Qui-Gon calmly answered without missing a beat: "They will kill you if you stay."

"They wouldn't dare!" Sio Bibble insisted.

"They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion legal. They can't afford to kill her," Captain Panaka added.

Qui-Gon disagreed. "Of course they can afford to kill her. Have you seen their spaceship? They have lots of money. At least this much." And with that, he started opening and closing his hands in front of Panaka's face, flashing all of his ten fingers to illustrate just how much lots of money was, rather like a small child would do to demonstrate any amount bigger than three.

"And do you know how much a bounty hunter charges for disposing of someone? Certainly not more than this!" To make his point clear, he flashed his fingers three times.

Obi-Wan was blushing furiously by now, embarrassed by his Master's childish way of handling huge figures. Up to this point, Obi-Wan had been sure that his Master knew how to properly evaluate huge numbers. Why, he had only done so yesterday! But presumably, Qui-Gon had once again decided to live in the moment, dismissing everything he had learned about numbers in the past. In his opinion, counting was probably overrated, anyways, and most of his pathetic life-forms couldn't count any further than 3.

"So you see, they could easily have her killed, and they definitely can afford it. And if they don't want to hire some assassin, they could use their very own droid army for that," Qui-Gon persisted. Then, turning to the would-be queen, he said: "There is something else behind all this, your Highness. Here's no logic in the Trade Federation's move here."

Hearing this, Obi-Wan's head jerked up. Was his Master actually thinking about the logic of their situation? Maybe his student could get him to see the advantages of logical thinking yet…

But Qui-Gon's next sentence destroyed all of Obi-Wan's hopes of finally getting his Master to join the logical side of the Force. "My feelings tell me they will destroy you."

"Our only hope is for the senate to side with us. Darth Sidious… erm I mean Senator Palpatine will need your help!" Sio Bibble implored.

The speed with which he changed his opinion from getting the Queen to stay to getting her to leave clearly marked the man an average politician in Obi-Wan's eyes. In the Padawan's experience, most politicians would simply take on the opinion the majority of the people surrounding them held.

And what had that remark been about someone called Darth Something?

But before Obi-Wan got the chance to further inquire, he was distracted by the "Queen's" shrill yet monotone voice: "Either choice presents great danger… to us all." She finished, addressing her handmaidens. No, not the handmaidens, but one handmaiden in particular, Obi-Wan noticed.

"We are brave, Your Highness," was the handmaiden's answer.

Well, this is a hint if I ever heard one, Obi-Wan thought. This young woman was most likely the real Queen, giving her not-so-well-chosen decoy some not-so-well-concealed instructions.

"If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now," Qui-Gon urged.

Clearly, the longer they stayed here – which was in the middle of a rather frequented hallway, for Force's sake – the greater the danger of being discovered by the Trade Federation.

"Then I will plead our case to the senate," the Queen finally agreed. "Be careful, Governor."

They marched into the hangar, with the two Jedi in front. In a corner, some pilots were sitting huddled together on the ground, surrounded by droids.

"We'll need to free those pilots so that they can die a meaningless death later on in one of the exploding starfighters. The climactic battle wouldn't look half as dangerous if some poor guys' starfighters didn't blow up," Panaka said. He was about to aim his machine gun at the droids (and probably shoot half of his colleagues in his attempt to free them because his gun was set on rapid fire) when Obi-Wan put a hand on his forearm.

"I'll deal with that," the Padawan said confidently, striding towards the group of battle droids. The Captain sent a disdainful look after him.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon was nearing one of the yellow-painted droids. When he was barely a meter away from it and about to run straight into it with his next step, it raised its hand and ordered the advancing party of Jedi, Queen and handmaidens to stop.

"I'm ambassador to the supreme chancellor," Qui-Gon immediately answered the droid's challenge.

Obi-Wan didn't think that pulling rank on these droids would accomplish much; pulling lightsabers would definitely work a lot better.

"I'm taking these people to Coruscant."

Or telling the enemy exactly what their plans were… But not even Obi-Wan had anticipated just how dumb these droids were.

"Where are you taking them?" the droid in command asked.

"To Coruscant!" Qui-Gon replied.

"Coruscant ? Uh, that doesn't compute," a slightly bewildered droid answered.

Its galactic geography program clearly was in desperate need of an update if it didn't know the capital planet of most of the Galaxy.

Not even realizing its embarrassing lack of knowledge, the droid decided after some deliberation: "Uh, wait. Uh, you're under arrest."

Great, now it was stammering, too! Next it would probably start to have real thoughts or feelings, as if it weren't just a few computer parts wired together.

But Qui-Gon abruptly stopped the character evolvement of this particular droid by suddenly springing into action and neatly cleaving it in half with his lightsaber. This was the cue for his Padawan to dismantle the droids still guarding the pilots while Qui-Gon ushered everyone on board.

"Come on! Move!" he ordered.

There were still a few more droids shooting around the hangar haphazardly, but apparently their fighting skills were just as abysmal as their geographical knowledge. Although there were many easy targets (such as the pilots still sitting on the ground somewhere or the handmaidens running around hysterically) the droids only fired when they were sure not to hit anything more alive than a wall or maybe the floor. Unsurprisingly, they were not a huge challenge for the two Jedi.

Most of the droids had been destroyed, but the now freed pilots made no move to get up from the ground. Realizing that their backsides had been glued to the floor, Obi-Wan – who really got a strange feeling from using it in such an unconventional way - used the Force to unstick the bottoms of their pants from the marble floor.

"Go!" he shouted to get the pilots moving. As soon as they realized that they had been freed, the pilots stood up and rushed towards the ship while Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan took care of the remaining droids.

That was when Obi-Wan's bond with Qui-Gon suddenly flared to life and his Master mentally communicated: Just out of purely scientific curiosity, do you think that the legs of these droids would go on walking if their upper body was removed?

Although Obi-Wan couldn't help but wonder where his Master got these ideas from, his own curiosity was piqued and – purely for scientific purposes, of course – he immediately bisected the droid standing right behind him, watching in amusement as the legs indeed marched on, even without a head to guide them.

When no more droids were left for further fun experiments, they all boarded the silver space ship they had chosen for their escape. Just a few seconds later, their sleek ship took off towards the blue sky of Naboo.

oOo

Obi-Wan was slowly making his way towards the cockpit, a step behind his Master, when they encountered Jar Jar who was bending over some kind of important-looking control panel near the hyperdrive generator of their ship.

Qui-Gon walked on, oblivious, but Obi-Wan noticed that the Gungan was staring at a huge red button that had "DANGER! Self-destruction!" written all over it, mesmerized by its red glow. Slowly, the Gungan lifted a hand, anticipation shining on his face. Huge, red glowing buttons had always been a weakness of his. He could never resist the urge to push them. And although that was the way he had blown up the heyblibber of the Gungan boss, clearly he hadn't learned from the experience.

At the last moment, his arm was yanked back by a somewhat exasperate Jedi Padawan.

"Please try not to randomly push buttons, especially not if they are red and glowing," Obi-Wan admonished the dim-witted creature who probably hadn't even realized how close he had gotten to destroying the hyperdrive and possibly the whole space ship along with it.

Which was not so bad as Obi-Wan preferred an ignorant Gungan over a panic-stricken one any day.

Spotting a room that only contained astromech-droids and thinking that Jar Jar couldn't do too much damage in there, Obi-Wan gently directed him into that room and then firmly told him: "Now, stay here and keep out of trouble. Do NOT push any buttons, red or otherwise."

With that, he closed the door, hoping that the Gungan would keep out of the way for some time.

oOo

Qui-Gon had already arrived in the cockpit and was joined there by his Padawan just as they exited Naboo's atmosphere.

"There's the blockade," the pilot informed them just as said blockade came into view.

"Aww, it's still there, just where we left it," Qui-Gon said.

Of course it's still there, where should it have wandered off to? Obi-Wan thought. Though this would probably be much easier if it had left for some inexplicable reason.

But the Padawan needn't have worried as most of the ships were only there for show and couldn't actually do anything. Only one of the numerous battle stations opened fire as they tried to get through the blockade.

And although this should have made escape that much easier, the Padawan hadn't counted on the exceptional flying skills of Naboo's best pilots. Obviously they had never gotten past the first lesson at flying school, that being "How to fly straight ahead to make an easy target for any nearby battle ships with malicious intent". Unsurprisingly, they were hit, although it took quite a few shots, making Obi-Wan wonder if the one aiming the shots had ever reached the lesson termed "How to successfully hit easy targets that fly straight ahead (no evasive moves) in case of an illegal blockade around a peaceful planet that doesn't have its space ships equipped with guns and whose pilots would never let the experienced Jedi fly their precious ship, even though they would be much better suited to avoid the laser fire aimed at their ship".

"The shield generator's been hit!" the pilot exclaimed as alarms started to shrill all around the spaceship. But instead of doing something about it, he just went on flying straight ahead.

When Obi-Wan stepped forward to reluctantly offer his piloting skills – even though he was an able pilot, there was still Qui-Gon, the notorious backseat driver, and the current pilot of the ship who would certainly never let him fly the way he planned to – his Master gave him a pointed look accompanied by a slight shake of his head.

As the one manning the guns on the battle ship was clearly as unable to hit their ship on purpose as the pilot of their ship was capable of flying anywhere but straight ahead, Obi-Wan took a step back again and instead focused his attention on a small round screen that showed the astromech droids trying to undo the damage of the single shot their ship had taken.

The Padawan figured that nothing of real importance had been hit as the shot had only blasted away part of the ship's hull and the damage was probably only superficial and mostly of a cosmetic nature.

But it seemed that the person operating the guns on the Trade Federation's battle station was much more apt at shooting droids trying to fix the damage that at shooting ships and was slowly obliterating the small machines, though why anyone would aim at the droids who were a much smaller target than the ship was beyond Obi-Wan.

"We're losing droids fast," he said nonetheless.

Qui-Gon was frowning worriedly but said nothing.

Captain Panaka however couldn't refrain from stating: "If we can't get the shield generator fixed, we'll be sitting ducks."

Right at that moment, yet another little droid was shot.

"The shields are gone." The pilot was clearly agitated. Still, Obi-Wan thought that they wouldn't have any more difficulties if they just started flying in a less straightforward manner.

But that that still wasn't deemed necessary as just seconds later, the last remaining astromech droid finally managed to plug something back in, and all their systems were online again. He had just done the exact same thing Obi-Wan had done when the Gungan transport-thingy (he still refused to believe that the Gungan boss had meant this thing when he had said they would be given a bongo) had given up its will to live. This was in fact a widely recognized method of first aid for vehicles on the brink of death.

"The power's back!" said the astounded pilot. "That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shields up at maximum."

Finally they flew past the barrier of battle stations and prepared their jump through hyperspace. Or at least that's what everyone expected, until one of the numerous screens in the cockpit started glowing alarmingly red.

"There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant. The hyperdrive is leaking," the pilot breached the bad news.

For a second, Obi-Wan wondered how they had managed to get their hyperdrive damaged when the only thing that had been hit was the surface of their right wing, which was about as far away from the hyperdrive generator as you could get. But then he remembered the way Jar Jar had looked at that red button earlier. He knew he should have kept an eye on the Gungan instead of trusting a simple door to keep this disaster waiting to happen from getting into trouble. And now Jar Jar had probably completely smashed their main engine because he had pushed the self-destruct-button after all. Luckily the mode of self-destruct was one of quietly leaking power instead of an imminent huge explosion.

They wouldn't get much further, so Obi-Wan applied himself to the task of finding a planet in the vicinity that they could possibly reach with their limping ship.

Obviously, Qui-Gon for once agreed with his apprentice: "We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship."

A sensible decision, in Obi-Wan's opinion... but wait, had his Master just said they needed to refuel their ship? That would mean that there hadn't been enough fuel to get them to Coruscant in the first place! Why would the pilots pick the one ship on the whole of Naboo that was not refuelled after it had been in use?

But he refrained from commenting. Instead, he did a bit of research to find some hospitable, republic-friendly planet they could reach. Personally, he would prefer somewhere with a pleasant climate, lots of nice, non-hostile people and if at all possible some nice scenery. Not that he got to choose very often, and as a Jedi he would usually go where he was needed, but now he had a choice of some agreeable planets.

First wanting to ask his Master's opinion on whatever suggestion he made without distracting the pilots, he used their bond: Master, let's go to this planet. It's called Florida, there are lots of beautiful beaches, the weather is sunny and pleasant and getting our ship repaired there won't be a problem. There probably won't be any danger to our mission, as well, since that planet is a well-known residence for retired citizens of the Republic as well as many former senators and therefore the senate doesn't shirk expenses to keep it nice and safe.

He had not expected his Master's instant dismissal of this suggestion: No, right now it's spring break ant the whole planet is swamped with partying students. Not exactly a good idea, don't you think?

I see. Obi-Wan conceded. Well, then how about this one? Its name is Scotland. The weather is probably neither as warm nor as sunny, but this planet has a kind of rugged charm to it. The people there are supposed to be really nice, too, and I think we could both easily pass as locals.

Still, Qui-Gon didn't agree. Haven't you heard about the huge monster that's supposed to live there? I don't think the Council would be ecstatic if we managed to get the Queen eaten. What else do you have?

There's another planet, France. It's renowned for its exquisite cuisine and…

His Master interrupted him. Do you speak a single word of their language? Well, it doesn't matter, anyway, since we won't go there. I don't like baguette, and I have a phobia of frogs.

Any other planet Obi-Wan suggested was dismissed in a similar manner. Soon, the only planet left, located at the outer limit of the reach of their ship, was an inhospitable desert planet. Because it was their last available option, Obi-Wan said aloud: "Here, Master. Tatooine. It's small, out of the way, poor. The Trade Federation has no presence there." And it's the only option you haven't already dismissed, Master. That were the only positive things the Padawan could say about that planet while still refraining from lying. He didn't really want to go there. In fact, he had a very, very bad feeling about this, the worst feeling yet to be exact.

These ominous feelings were quickly banished from Obi-Wan's mind, though, when Captain Panaka asked: "How can you be sure?"

It was a bit irritating that the Captain had so far doubted every single one of the Jedi's decisions, constantly criticizing them, but he had yet to make a good suggestion himself.

Before Obi-Wan could answer, though, Qui-Gon explained: "It's controlled by the Hutts."

Obi-Wan would rather face all the drunk students, mysterious monsters and baguette-eating frogs the Galaxy could throw at him than one single Hutt, but right now his Master would ignore any remark coming from his apprentice, anyway, so it was no use speaking his mind, especially when the only thing he would get for doing it was another snide comment from Panaka.

This way, his Master was the one who had to deal with an irate Captain Panaka. "You can't take Her Royal Highness there. The Hutts are gangsters. If they discover her-"

"It would be no different than landing on a system controlled by the Federation, except that the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us the advantage," Qui-Gon cut him off.

And with that it was settled: they would be going to Tatooine, the last planet in the whole Galaxy that Obi-Wan wanted to visit.

oOo

Edited on 29th December, 2010