Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Tatooine (and honestly I wouldn't want to), I don't own Tom Cruise (Scientology already does that) and I don't own Wookipedia (though I find it incredibly amusing). And I don't own all the rest, of course.

oOo

In the meantime, the Viceroy back at the droid control ship had to explain their rather awkward situation to the evil Sith Lord.

"And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?" the Sith Lord, easily recognizable by the hood drawn over his face almost down to his chin, inquired.

The Viceroy looked rather at unease when he answered: "She has disappeared, my lord. Evidence suggests that she is in fact the evil Witch of the North and is currently buried under a flying house. We found her feet sticking out from beneath said flying house, all rolled up, but effortlessly identifiable by the striped stockings."

The Sith Lord didn't say anything. The viceroy's assistant whispered something in his superior's ear.

Nute Gunray instantly turned a sickly pale green colour and then continued: "Or maybe she was on the single Naboo cruiser that got past the blockade. We are still making enquiries which. The only thing we can say for sure is that she is gone. Whether she's lying under some flying house, dead, or is running around the Galaxy, very much alive and a huge threat to your plans, we don't know yet."

"I want that treaty signed," The Sith Lord insisted, and he would have sounded almost like a petulant child if not for the cold threat distinctly audible in his raspy voice.

The Viceroy tried to reason with him: "My lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. Only Tom Cruise could do that, seeing as impossible missions are his speciality. It's out of our range. It's not like we have a huge and technologically highly advanced space station available to track a tiny vessel that has been badly damaged and is limping towards some neighbouring systems – which they are probably not, as we didn't even properly hit them earlier and they should be already halfway to Coruscant by now. Surely they wouldn't be so stupid as to stay in the vicinity or blast their own hyperdrive into pieces."

Unimpressed, the hologram of Palpatine Sidious replied: "Not for a Sith – although I have to make clear that Tom Cruise is not, I repeat, IS NOT a Sith Lord. Sure he's kind of creepy and all, but he's a long way from being such an awesome and fear-inspiring creature of the Dark as I am."

At that moment, another Sith stepped into the hologram, once again easily identified by his hood and the angry glower he sent the Trade Federation leaders.

"This is my apprentice Darth Maul. He is not Tom Cruise." The striped Sith apprentice folded his arms across his chest and tried his best to look menacing – which he should damn well do, as there's a chance that the title of this episode also referred to him. "He will find your lost ship." And without saying goodbye, the two bluish forms faded away.

"This is getting out of hand!" the Viceroy said anxiously. "Now there are two of them. I just hope they don't multiply… just imagine they were like bacteria, doubling their number every hour or so. We would be up to our necks in Sith Lords in no time! I don't think that this Galaxy can take any more than two at a time, and I'm not even sure about that. These guys give me the creeps. I get the bad feeling that one day, a Sith is gonna be the death of me…"

"We should not have made this bargain," the Viceroy's advisor agreed. "Even though they gave us a huge discount, I fear we're still paying a price entirely too high… maybe we should have left our money in the savings account, they offer a steady 0.3% rate instead of galactic dominion…"

oOo

"An extremely well-put-together little droid, Your Highness. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives," Captain Panaka said.

He was standing in the throne room of the Naboo spaceship, right next to the only surviving astromech droid, presenting it to the Queen and a few of the inevitable handmaidens.

A few paces behind stood Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan, who was extremely grateful for the fact that this time, the Queen was actually played by a woman. The rather masculine Queen they had rescued before was currently standing behind the throne, dressed up as a handmaiden.

"It is to be commended. What is its number?"

Great, now they want to commend a droid? Next they'll want to give a proper burial to the ones that didn't make it! Obi-Wan thought, frowning slightly. Given enough time, they will probably make that droid their national hero and build huge monuments of it plugging that loose wire back in.

But of course he didn't voice any of these thoughts, although his Master seemed to have caught at least some of them since he was conspicuously looking anywhere but at the Queen or the Captain… or even anyone, for that matter. In fact, he was staring at the ceiling. Obviously he also considered awarding a droid a medal rather useless.

Meanwhile, Captain Panaka ostentatiously bent down to read the droid's number, pretending that he didn't know it already. It was the one he had wanted to take back home as a souvenir because it looked just like the one that had been on Star Wars the other week. Being a huge fan of the movie, he had wanted to take it with him, figuring that no one would miss such a small and comparably cheap droid.

That was why he had it renamed after the famous droid on the holonet, but now he felt more than just a bit stupid as he announced the droids number, pretending he didn't know about its famous counterpart.

"R2-D2, Your Highness."

Fortunately, neither the Jedi nor the Queen nor one of her handmaidens seemed to ever have watched the small and still rather unknown holonet show that was Panaka's favourite and so didn't recognize the name.

"Thank you, R2-D2," the Queen said in her usual droning voice.

Panaka supposed that the handmaidens playing at being queen were talking like that because it wouldn't be as obvious that the voice was not always the same. It was not easy to detect the differences when they were talking in that flat, monotone way. The Captain thought it stupid, nonetheless. Why don't they get themselves a menacing black suit complete with helmet and a breathing apparatus to go with the voice? He thought. But then he shook his head, wondering where such a strange thought might have come from.

Artoo beeped happily, excited to at last receive some recognition for his work.

"Padmé! Clean this droid up as best you can! It deserves our gratitude," the Queen ordered, trying but failing to conceal a naughty smile.

Padmé walked over to Artoo obediently, but sent her decoy a silent death glare. I am so making her pay for this later on. She knows exactly that I hate cleaning; I'll just ruin my fingernails and my pretty dress. You just wait till I'm the Queen again…

Sabé, who was being Queen right now, savoured her momentary power. Serves her right for making me wear all that stupid makeup and for ordering me to clean her wardrobe the other week. That ruined all of my fingernails and my pretty dress. But being Queen is great, she decided, even though you had to put up with all the elaborate hairstyles and the heavy dresses. But then, they were all young women – well, most of them, anyway – and they could hardly deny that they secretly liked dressing up as Queen, even though they were complaining quite a bit about the traditional clothes.

Then, in her best royal manner, Sabé addressed Panaka: "Continue, Captain!"

But the Captain didn't answer; instead he threw the Jedi a less than happy look. That was Qui-Gon's cue to disclose their destination to the Queen.

"Your Highness, with your permission we're heading for a remote planet called Tatooine."

Not that he actually bothered to ask for anyone's permission on this Obi-Wan thought sarcastically.

"It's a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation."

But as seemed to become his habit, Captain Panaka begged to differ: "I do not agree with the Jedi on this," he stated, frowning disapprovingly at Qui-Gon.

"You must trust my judgement, Your Highness," Qui-Gon said, looking at the Queen intently.

Why this should in any way convince Queen Amidala – the genuine one or the fake thing – Obi-Wan had no idea. That was until he sensed Qui-Gon reach out to the Force and send a massive Force suggestion in the general direction of the throne, effectively eliminating any individual thoughts and opinions on the matter the Queen and her entourage might have had.

Go ahead, just mind-whammy everyone into obedience. It makes life so much easier if you don't have to make your strange decisions sound reasonable! Obi-Wan thought, grateful that as a Jedi he was immune to that kind of influence.

He also had to admit that there was one advantage to his Master's approach: at least they could avoid a long and boring discussion about their destination.

oOo

In another part of the ship, Padmé kneeled on the floor, reluctantly cleaning Artoo.

The little droid felt distinctly uncomfortable, as the young woman was complaining incessantly under her breath: "That treacherous bitch! I can't believe she makes me clean that stupid heap of junk! Her own Queen, whom she owes allegiance! I can't believe she did that! I will so take revenge for that. 'Revenge of the Queen', that sounds pretty good. I won't let her be me anytime soon. That girl is a menace, probably even The Phantom Menace. Maybe I should simply fire her and be done with it. I won't take such disrespect from my employees. And look at my pretty dress, all dirty!"

She continued scrubbing Artoo superficially (because naturally she resolved do such a bad job of cleaning anything that no one would get any ideas of ever ordering her to do that again), and still the litany of curses and complaints she was muttering didn't cease.

With her quiet grumbling she had already scared two of her handmaidens, Captain Panaka, a pilot and Obi-Wan away. They all had wanted to enter the room Padmé was in and had immediately turned around again when they spotted her.

Only Jar Jar seemed to be dumb enough to approach the fuming Queen, who had a reputation of beheading people for the slightest reason when she was furious.

"Hello!" the Gungan said, cautiously peeking out from behind the door. "Sorry. Husa are yousa?" he asked.

Thankfully, Padmé remembered her manners. Her mother – whom she had tried to behead in a teenage tantrum some months ago and who hadn't spoken with her daughter since – had always told her to be especially patient and polite when addressing someone who was mentally challenged, as was obviously the case with this Jar Jar creature.

"I'm Padmé," she said, keeping her answer as simple and easily comprehensible as she could. It was not the Gungan's fault that he was not exactly the fastest thinker in the Galaxy, after all, and she felt sorry for him. His child-like innocence and strange way of speaking made her smile slightly.

"Mesa Jar Jar Binks!" the Gungan introduced himself.

"You're a Gungan, aren't you?"

Jar Jar nodded vigorously, enthusiastic that someone had heard of his strange people. Now, Padmé was truly curious about this unexpected companion.

"How'd you end up here with us?" she wanted to know.

"My no know. Mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom! Getten berry scared and grabben dat Jedi and pow – mesa here." He explained. "Mesa getten berry, berry scared."

Padmé just smiled up at his, trying to puzzle together what Jar Jar had just tried to tell her.

So first, he had a nice breakfast. That much I understood. Then, the Jedi exploded – boom – but that can't be right, the Jedi are here, so obviously they didn't explode. Maybe it was the breakfast that blew up? No, that can't be right, either. And what was that about sacred berries he kept going on about? Do Gungans worship food? Maybe these sacred berries were his breakfast… or maybe the Jedi were supposed to be his breakfast, before they exploded… I think now I'm completely confused.

And so a very, very bewildered Padmé simply smiled politely at the Gungan, not trusting herself to answer.

oOo

Some hours later, a somewhat smallish, dusty-red planet came into view.

"That's it – Tatooine," the pilot stated.

"There's a settlement," Qui-Gon added. "Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract attention," he ordered.

It was a desolate planet: except for the occasional settlement, there were but a few farms or camps of the indigenous nomadic tribes. The landscape looked bleak, huge plains of sand dunes next to rocky cliffs, all of it barren. Not a single spot of green could be seen on the entire planet.

Obi-Wan checked the holonet for information on Tatooine.

Wookiepedia, the holonet encyclopedia, told him:

"Tatooine is a desert planet in the Outer Rim. It is controlled by the Hutts, Jabba the Hutt being the most prominent one. Its economy is mostly based on smuggling and gambling, but the demand for alcohol of any kind has also slightly increased over the past few years. Experts predict that the market for alcoholic beverages will grow even more in the next ten years or so, giving rise to many run-down cantinas sprouting in the few settlements.

The planet is not part of the Galactic Republic. Due to this, many criminals such as smugglers or bounty hunters prefer it as their home base.

[…]

Slavery is still allowed and part of everyday life on Tatooine. The majority of the population focuses on the few bigger cities like Mos Eisley, Mos Espa or Anchorhead. A small number of people live outside these settlements. They are usually moisture farmers, trying to scrape a living from the barren desert, but they aren't very successful. The problem with moisture farming is that moisture has to be watered regularly in order to thrive, which is obviously difficult to do on a desert planet. It is generally considered one of the less brilliant decisions of the Galactic Senate to fund the project "Water for Tatooine from Tatooine". Apart from these people who came from all over the Known Galaxy, there are a few native tribes such as the Jawas or the Sand People. The Jawas are scavengers for any kind of mechanical parts and mostly sell droids they picked up somewhere or built from whichever of the parts fit together. They are easily recognizable by their small stature which is hidden inside wide brown cloaks – not unlike the ones Jedi traditionally wear – and the only thing that's showing are their glowing eyes. They are usually not a danger to anyone except droids, which they will gladly capture if they are left unattended for a few moments.

The second native tribe, the Sand People, live in the desert. They are nomads and move their settlements two to three times a year. Usually they don't come near the spaceports, as they are a very secretive people. Their religion even prohibits the exposure of skin to anyone including their own family. Scientist are still trying to find out how they manage to multiply. This sacred rule is the reason why the Sand People are completely swathed in many layers of clothes and wear masks for all their life. Their lore states that their god and creator George Lucas has given them these sacrosanct rules some thirty years or so in the future. Nobody has yet come to understand why they stubbornly use the past tense when speaking of that future event, though.

[…]

Tatooine is famous for its fast and very dangerous pod races. They differ significantly from the more usual pod races that exist on other planets such as Malastare, though. …"

Obi-Wan decided to skip the part about pod racing, not being especially interested in that kind of sports.

"Although the Tatooine tourist board hopes to change this as soon as possible, the planet is not exactly welcoming to visitors who are neither smugglers nor bounty hunters. Most people on Tatooine speak Huttese, some of them also speak or at least understand some Basic. The people who live on Tatooine are usually suspicious about anything even remotely associated with the Republic. Therefore it is advisable to bring along some Wupiupis, the local currency. Wupiupis can also be acquired at any bank on Tatooine, of course, but they charge much higher fees for money exchange there than on most other planets."

Obi-Wan quickly scanned the rest of the article, but didn't find anything else that seemed interesting.

They were now quickly approaching Tatooine's surface.

oOo

Edited on 29th December, 2010