Chapter 17

The words that were submissions to the challenge I set myself are highlighted in bold letters.

Disclaimer: I can't think of a humorous disclaimer right now, so you'll have to do with the normal one. I don't own this stuff.

oOo

The next morning, Qui-Gon woke up to the delicious smell of homemade pancakes. Shmi was already in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, and just a few minutes later, a hungry Jedi Master joined her.

"Mmmh, that smells nice," he said, hungrily eyeing the growing pile of pancakes Anakin's mother was preparing. There were also some muffins and toast.

Qui-Gon used the Force to steal one of the still hot muffins. Munching contentedly, he asked: "Did you sleep well? I hope my apprentice didn't wake you. What was Obi-Wan thinking, calling me in the middle of the night? Oh, by the way, has he returned that podracer yet?"

Shmi shrugged. She had had a rather less than refreshing night, but that was by no means due to comm. calls in the middle of the night. Rather, Qui-Gon's incessant and thunderous snoring had kept her awake most of the night, along with half the neighbourhood, she imagined.

"It would have been a miracle if your apprentice had managed to move that thing in the first place. I've never heard of Anakin's podracer moving in any way, that is if you don't count falling apart as a movement. But just take a look in the back yard; it should be there under some dusty covers."

With that, she shooed Qui-Gon out before he could eat any more of her carefully prepared breakfast before it was actually served.

oOo

About two hours later, after everyone had had a hearty breakfast, Qui-Gon went out to check whether Obi-Wan had already returned the podracer. He couldn't find anything except for a huge pile of junk in one corner, so he immediately called his apprentice (who still sounded distinctly sleepy) to lecture him on punctuality and dependability, and demanded that Obi-Wan bring back the racer as soon as possible and immediately cease this childish footle.

Before his Padawan could launch his excuse (he had never taken the podracer, yeah, right) Qui-Gon hung up on him, because Padmé, Jar-Jar and R2-D2 were approaching. Together, they wanted to follow Anakin, who had left shortly after breakfast to talk to Watto, and try to convince the Toydarian of their plan.

Qui-Gon took off at a quick pace. He was still a bit irritated with Obi-Wan, who was usually so reliable, and now he blundered twice in one night. That was not acceptable. Qui-Gon decided he would have to have a serious talk with his apprentice once he was back.

His companions had a hard time keeping up with the Jedi's long, determined stride. Padmé especially looked less than happy.

"Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know?" she queried, sounding less than convinced of the soundness of Qui-Gon's plan. Yesterday night, it had seemed like a good idea to let Anakin take part in the race, after all, what did they have to lose? But now that she was sober again, she wasn't as sure any more.

Qui-Gon lifted one eyebrow. "Oh, look who is talking. The girl who's reluctant to trust our fate to a boy we hardly know but who will marry said boy she hardly knows without so much as a second thought or a marriage contract."

Padmé looked at him doubtfully. There was only one boy she hardly knew and still would marry gladly, but he wasn't here at the moment. And besides, at twenty-five, she doubted he could still be called a boy.

Dispelling these distracting thoughts with a determined shake of her head, she fixed the imposing Jedi Master with a disapproving glare.

"The Queen will not approve," she threatened. Padmé thought she was becoming rather good at the politician's game of making subtle hints with otherwise seemingly everyday statements.

Too bad that Qui-Gon was never one to take a subtle hint.

"The Queen doesn't need to know," he answered, the glint in his eyes and the slight grin on his face entirely lacking respect for a certain monarch. It seemed he was hugely amused by his small conspiracy.

Padmé opened her mouth and snapped: "How can I not know? You just told me what you intend to do. I sure hope you don't expect that I erase my memory, not that I know how that is done, anyway. But you must realize that…" Padmé caught the bewildered glance Qui-Gon threw her. "Or maybe you don't realize. I'm pretty sure that Padawan of yours figured it out ages ago. I assumed he would have pointed it out to you; he seems quite fond of stating the obvious. But I should stop talking about this; it's probably for the best that you don't know. Forget what I just said. I'm not the Queen, really not. Still, the Queen… um, I mean, I don't approve."

Padmé sat down in front of the shop, pouting and annoyed that she had almost revealed her real identity to Qui-Gon. To her vexation she realized that she couldn't order the Jedi around when she was disguised as the handmaiden persona, but she was reluctant to disclose her real identity to the sometimes rather careless Jedi.

Qui-Gon, though, was already halfway inside the shop, and Watto came flapping towards him.

"The boy tells me you want to sponsor him in the race," Watto said eagerly. If the tall human was dumb enough to bet all his money on Anakin, well, Watto wouldn't stop him, especially if he could make a profit from it. He desperately needed money to pay his rent.

But Watto doubted that Qui-Gon had much money. "How can you do this?" he asked. "Not on Republic credits, I think," the Toydarian gloated.

Qui-Gon already had another use in mind for his 20,000 credits, so he presented his comm link and showed him a bluish hologram of the Nubian cruiser. "My ship will be the entry fee. Look, it's small and transparent and blue, and it revolves."

Watto was impressed. "Not bad. Not bad, huh? Nubian, huh?" he said, stroking the bristly stubble on his chin in contemplation. A small, virtual spaceship would surely fetch a nice price.

"It's in good order, except for the parts I need. It needs a new virtual hyperdrive. And you can't have the comm. link, it's a special one for Jedi. Oops, I shouldn't have told you that. Forget what I just said," Qui-Gon added, performing his customary mind trick, not that it had the desired effect on Watto.

But the Toydarian's mind was occupied with other things.

"What would the boy ride? He smashed up my pod in the last race when throwing a tantrum because he didn't win. It would take some long time to fix it."

"It wasn't my fault. Really!" Anakin argued in his best whiny voice. "Sebulba flashed me with his vents, and that really winds me up. He does it deliberately to provoke me. And since there were no Sand People around to take my fury out on, I kind of took it out on the pod. But I actually saved the pod… mostly. I only smashed it with a crowbar. Not with a lightsaber, so it's just injured and not dead, not like the Tusken Raiders who will kill my mom. And Sebulba should know better than to annoy me. I'm so gonna blow up his planet when I have my Bubble of Doom. You think that's a good name for a dangerous space station? Or would you prefer Lethal Weapon Sphere? No matter, I'll just ask Sidious, I'm sure he has a few nice ominous-sounding suggestions. So, back to the pod: It really wasn't my fault, and I didn't smash it as badly as I could have" Anakin prattled.

"That you did. Heh heh heh," Watto chuckled, amused at the boy's delusions of grandeur. Anakin truly was one of a kind, always good for a laugh. "The boy's good. No doubts there, huh? Maybe a bit insane, as well, but still one of the funniest people on Tatooine. Except maybe for that young Jedi guy, but he's funny in an involuntary kind of way. Anakin really does the darndest things, and he says all that funny stuff about what he'll do when he's grown up and gone to the Dark Side."

Qui-Gon gave Watto an insincere smile. Clearly, this Toydarian was a few steps short on reality.

"I have acquired a pod in a game of chance. The fastest ever built," Qui-Gon lied, with a completely straight face and a meaningful sideways glance at Anakin.

"I hope you didn't kill anyone I know for it, huh?" Watto joked. He felt slightly unsettled when Qui-Gon only gave him a one-sided grin that clearly said: "There's always a bigger fish."

Watto judged it cautious to return to the matter at hand.

"So, you supply the pod and the entry fee, and I supply the boy. We split the winnings 50-50, I think, huh?"

But Qui-Gon didn't agree. "If it's going to be 50-50, I suggest you front the cash for the entry, especially seeing as I don't have any cash right now except for the Republic credits. If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus the cost of the parts I need. And if we lose, you keep my ship. Well, not the actual ship, since I still need that one and it doesn't even really belong to me, but you get to keep the stylish blue hologram of the ship. Either way, I'll cheat you… I mean, you win."

After a tense moment, Watto agreed. "Deal!" he shouted, and slapped his palm on Qui-Gon's to seal the agreement.

Qui-Gon and Anakin smiled at each other. They had successfully fooled Watto into taking part in their foolhardy plan.

With another smile and his habitual lack of farewell, Qui-Gon left the junk shop.

"Your friend is a foolish one, methinks," Watto stated once the Jedi had left.

Anakin's answer was a sullen stare and a spiteful crossing of his arms, followed by a long and detailed lecture about the awesomeness of Qui-Gon Jinn and all things Jedi.

oOo

Obi-Wan was once again trying to fix the hyperdrive, a futile exercise of his mechanical skills since that thing was broken beyond repair. Still, sitting around doing nothing didn't help their situation, either, Obi-Wan was at least occupied and, for the moment, comfortably free of handmaidens.

He would have gone outside if it weren't for the dozen or so animals that had chosen to amble around their ship. Granted, they looked innocent enough, and their looks were those of docile herbivores. But that was the problem, because if they were, in fact, herbivores, they would starve out here in the desert if they ate anything short of sand, which was the only thing abundant enough to maintain the bulk of these beasts outside.

Obi-Wan was reluctant to test this hypothesis, so he stayed inside as a precaution. Not that he couldn't handle these beasts, but if he went outside, the handmaidens would soon follow him, and he didn't want to find out if these animals found them as tasty as the handmaidens did him.

So, Qui-Gon calling on his comm. link was a welcome distraction from his pointless attempts at repair.

"Good morning, Master."

"Good morning, Padawan. How are things back at the ship? Oh, never mind. I have good news. With a little luck, we'll have the parts we need by tomorrow." Qui-Gon thought he heard a relieved sigh at that point. "You see, we found this Chosen One, he's a really bright and nice boy. I think you'd like him. He wants to help us, so he'll take part in that really dangerous race tomorrow. If he wins, we get the parts we need. If we lose (which I don't think we will)… uhm… we kind of lose the ship. But that's all right. We won't lose, I'm pretty sure of that."

"What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here a very long time." Obi-Wan was concerned about the lack of caution Qui-Gon currently displayed in handling this difficult situation, and the thought of spending a very long time on Tatooine didn't exactly sit comfortably with him, and not only because of the cramped quarters that teemed with handmaidens.

"Well, it's too dangerous to call for help, and besides, we don't want the Council to think we're sissies, do we? And anyway, a ship without a power supply isn't going to get us anywhere. And… there's something about this boy."

Before Obi-Wan could voice any more of his concerns, Qui-Gon had hung up again.

"Do I really ask too much if I want a proper goodbye now and then?" Obi-Wan mumbled dejectedly.

The two pilots who sat at a table in the corner fixing random stuff gave him sympathetic smiles.

oOo

"And… there's something about this boy," Qui-Gon finished, deep in thought.

Smiling up at the tall Jedi, Shmi joined him on the balcony. They watched Anakin down in the backyard, doing some last-minute work on his pile of junk… oh, sorry, his podracer.

"You should be very proud of your son. He gives without any thought. Without any thought of reward, I mean. Although he does do a lot of things without any thought at all," Qui-Gon remarked.

"He knows nothing of greed," Shmi agreed. "And I have to admit that he knows just as little of common sense or reason. He has-"

"He has special powers" Qui-Gon finished the sentence for her.

Shmi looked up at him. "That's not exactly what I was about to say. I wanted to point out that he has his own logic, which can be very weird and twisted at times. Like one moment, he would kill all the Jedi just to save his wife from dying, and the next he will choke her himself. Still, yes, he does have special powers."

"He can see things before they happen. That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It's a Jedi trait" Qui-Gon elaborated.

Shmi nodded. "He does know things before they happen. For example, he usually knows his own intentions in advance, and that's a pretty tricky thing to figure out. I mean, we're talking about Anakin here, and it's kind of difficult to comprehend the way his brain works." Anakin's mother sighed. "He deserves better than a slave's life. I've always had ambitions for him; I wanted him to become the ruler of the Galactic Empire, or at least the second in command. But I guess I could live with him becoming a Jedi. You do offer your members a decent dental plan, do you?"

"Had he been born in the Republic, we would have identified him early." Qui-Gon considered Anakin a moment, before he explained: "The Force is unusually strong with him, that much is clear." On a sudden impulse, he asked: "Who was his father?"

Shmi lowered her eyes for a second. After a moment's hesitation, she firmly stated: "There was no father. Besides, once doesn't count. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. I can't explain what happened. My knowledge in biology has always been rather limited. We were quite drunk that night, and then we started kissing and suddenly there was that bedroom and… well, much the same as what happened last night…"

Qui-Gon silenced her with a gesture. There was no need to talk about that right now. He only hoped that Obi-Wan would never find out about that, or he would never hear the end of it.

Shmi looked up at him hopefully. "Can you help him?" she almost pleaded.

"I don't know. I didn't actually come to free slaves," Qui-Gon answered sadly. "But I think I can make an exception here, we're talking about a potential Chosen One, after all. And let's not forget that there's always a bigger fish."

Shmi was not exactly sure what all of this had to do with fish, nor what a fish exactly looked like, but Qui-Gon's answer sounded promising.

oOo

Down in the backyard, Anakin was joined by some other children who looked in turn admiringly or condescendingly at his so-called podracer.

"Wow, a real astro-droid!" one small boy exclaimed. "How did you get so lucky?"

R2 whistled happily at the children.

"That isn't the half of it," Anakin bragged. "Here, see that girl over there? She's a real catch, and she's all mine. I'm gonna marry her when I'm grown-up and handsome. And see that tall man who is standing next to my mother? He's my newest daddy, since last night. And he'll free me and take me away, and I will become one of these badass Jedi. And then, later, I will be the ruler of the entire Galaxy, or at least the second in command. And…" Anakin paused for effect "I'm in the Boonta race tomorrow," he finished smugly.

"What?" his little friend gasped. "With this?" he asked incredulously. "But… that's impossible. I mean, look at that thing. It's built out of junk you stole from Watto's shop!"

The little green Greedo-alien added in his best fake mocking voice: "You're such a joker, Ani." For good measure, the alien threw in his best fake mocking laugh.

Two girls who were hanging around with the other kids sneered.

"You've been working on that for years."

"It's never gonna run!"

"Come on, let's go and play ball because I can't think of anything more futuristic to do right now. Keep racing, Ani. You're gonna be bug squash," another boy jeered.

"You can only become bug squash if you were a bug in the first place!" Anakin shouted after them.

"Don't worry, Anakin," Padmé tried to cheer him up. "I'm not exactly an expert, but I think your racer is super-califragilistic-expialidotious."

"Super…what?" Anakin asked, though a smile brightened his face. Whatever it was Padmé had said, it had started with super!

"Super-califragilistic-expialidotious." Padmé elaborated. "I used to have a nanny who always said that. She wasn't my nanny for long, though. My parents fired her because she was kind of creepy. She would burst into song every other minute, and she associated with people who lived on the ceiling because they laughed so much. She made me give my pocket money to an old woman who sold food for birds. After we threw her out, she flew away with her umbrella, though I suspect that it was really a highly sophisticated spaceship. She was very fond of scuttlebutt, knew everything that was worth knowing about almost everyone in town."

Padmé shrugged. "The knowledge I gleaned from her gossip helped me blackmail my way into politics, so I guess it was useful, after all."

Jar Jar had offered his help with the racer, so he had grabbed a wrench and tried to figure out what to do with it.

"Keep away from those energy binders. If your hand gets caught in the beam, it's gonna go numb for hours, even though it looks like it would electrocute you instantly," Anakin warned the Gungan. It was not really any power coupling, though. Anakin had used two of these special effects lamps that produced lightning, but were completely harmless.

"Okay!" Jar Jar agreed. Just two seconds later, he had already managed to get his tongue into the power coupling. Unfortunately, it didn't kill him instantly, but at least it shut him up effectively, if you were willing to overhear his pathetic attempts at speech that were even more garbled than was usual even for him.

On top of that, he even managed to get his hand stuck in one of the dustbins that served as engines.

"You know, I find that Jar Jar creature to be a little odd," C-3PO remarked.

R2-D2 heartily agreed, but 3PO seemed reluctant to act on the astromech's suggestion of assassinating the annoying creature.

"You don't even know if this thing's gonna run," Kitster, Anakin's friend, insisted.

Anakin assured him: "It will!"

At that moment, Qui-Gon joined them in the backyard. "I think it's time we found out," he said, handing Anakin new batteries for the game pad that took the place of the steering device. "Here, use this power charge."

"Yes, sir!" Anakin shouted enthusiastically.

"Come on, Kitster. Let's move away." Qui-Gon and the boy stopped at a safe distance of the pod.

Jar Jar's hand, though, was still stuck in one of the two dustbins.

Had it been a real podracer, Jar Jar would have been just seconds away from being shredded into tiny pieces. That was not the case, though, but Padmé helped him free his hand, anyway. After all, if Jar Jar was convinced that this was the case, he might lose his hand because of the placebo effect.

R2-D2 and C-3PO stood at the wall, watching the stupid Gungan once again. To their artificial intelligence, it seemed completely incomprehensible how the Gungans could survive under natural selection if all of them were as inapt as Jar Jar.

R2 beeped a few choice words that would make anyone familiar with binary beeping blush furiously.

"You're quite right," 3PO agreed, though as a protocol droid he was a bit more considerate in his choice of words. "He's very odd indeed."

Seconds after Jar Jar had been freed with Padmé's help, Anakin pressed a few buttons on his game pad. The device gave a few beeps and vibrated in Anakin's hands.

"It's working! It's working!" Anakin shouted excitedly. He pressed a few more buttons and elicited a few more beeps.

Qui-Gon, Padmé and Shmi all looked at him with bright smiles on their faces, glad that their seemingly only chance of acquiring the spare parts was functioning so far.

oOo

Beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep

Maul slowly opened first one eye, then the other. For a few moments, the world swam before his eyes. His memory of the last night was hazy at best. He could vaguely remember first picking up some hitchhiker and then entering a small and seedy cantina. After that, everything was a big, dark blur, which apparently had been exchanged for a big, light blur while he was sleeping.

Maul blinked a few times and sat up. Immediately, his hand went up to his head and he groaned miserably. This must be the most sithly hangover he had had so far. He probably shouldn't have drunk all these beers yesterday. His mouth tasted like an unwashed armpit that had been used as an ashtray.

The insistent chirping of his comm. link resumed. Maul rubbed his face once, groaned loudly as he got up and stumbled to the comm. station. How he had gotten back to his ship was a mystery to him.

Even the soft noise of his favourite ring tone sounded to his hung-over head like the tintinnabulation of at least a thousand bells tolling the Imperial March.

Lord Sidious was calling to ask whether he had found the Queen and killed the Jedi already.

Maul flinched and once again grabbed his throbbing head. Sidious' voice sounded even raspier than was usual and was grating on Darth Maul's nerves.

"My apprentice, did you spend the night drinking again? Your eyes are all red and yellow. Oh wait, that's how they're supposed to be. Before you go after the Jedi in that condition and get yourself killed by some pathetic apprentice, sleep it off. In the meantime, I will make arrangements to topple Valorum and make sure that someone much better suited for that post gets elected Chancellor."

Darth Maul didn't need to be told twice. He grunted a few unenthusiastic "yes, Master"s before his Master said goodbye and hung up. Then, he stumbled back to bed and was asleep instantly.

He was never even aware how surprised and just a tiny bit jealous a certain Jedi Padawan would have been had he known that even Sith Lords ended their comm. calls with a polite goodbye.

oOo

Edited on 17th January, 2011