Episode 3

Warnings: Canon-typical fighting, WOW the Kanan fluff, so much soft Kanan in this one. Also quite a bit of romantic angst

Summary: You, Kanan's padawan, are struggling to hide your feelings for him during your training, especially when confronted with old Jedi rules around attachment. A mission goes awry. (Reminder—this is an AU where there is nothing romantic between Kanan and Hera).

Word Count: 4.1k

Kanan Jarrus felt the wind whipping small, loose pieces of hair into his face. He stood atop one of the tall, thin hills of Lothal, the ones that resembled spires. No ordinary person would be able to climb one of these pillar-like hills, but Kanan was no ordinary person, and neither was the opponent he faced.

"Let's go again," Kanan said, facing you, his lightsaber lit.

You smiled before jumping high into the air, coming down toward Kanan and swinging your saber with you. Kanan blocked your blow, and the two of you spun, leaping expertly from hilltop to hilltop, locked in battle.

You were getting so fast, Kanan was having a hard time keeping up with you. It was like the world's swiftest game of chess—you saw each move Kanan would make before he made it, he in turn saw the move you would make to block his before you'd thought of it, and so on. Training you was, Kanan knew, making him a stronger Jedi. You were both growing in your powers, together.

Kanan leapt onto the spire-like hilltop on which you stood, its pointy top barely able to hold all four feet. He continued the fight, but you blocked his saber, pushing upward with the Force as he pushed his blade down toward you. He would never hurt you, of course, but he knew you needed to practice with the best in order to be the best, and so he didn't hold back.

You stared up into his eyes as his saber blade pressed down against yours. He could feel your breath on his face, your confident stare locked on his. And for a moment, he lost focus. He looked at you, looked at your face, darkened from the Lothal sun, your brilliant eyes lidded with delicate lashes, your lips parted in concentration. He took in the sweet, subtle scent of your hair as the wind blew it in his direction. Inside him he felt there was a symphony of noise, of feeling, but all Kanan's ears could hear was the sound of the wind, the sound of your breath. The Force told him your next move, but his moment of distraction had cost him. You whirled around, crouching, and as he jumped to avoid your blade, he felt his grip on his lightsaber loosen. As if pulled by a strong magnet, the lightsaber slipped from his fingers, flying into your hand. You brought both saber blades close to Kanan's neck, crossed.

"I win," you gloated, smiling mischievously.

"I let you," Kanan retorted, unable to stop his smile from taking over his features, so immense was his delight at watching your joy.

You snorted. "Yeah, right." You powered off both lightsabers and handed Kanan his own.

"The sun is starting to set," Kanan remarked, looking out at the sparsely clouded sky. "We should get back to the Ghost." He turned, looking in the direction of the ship. You said nothing.

"Y/N?" Kanan asked, turning around to look at you, and the instant he did, he saw your eyes roll back into your head, your body going limp.

"Y/N!" Kanan shouted, panicking, and he reached out his hand, but missed you by a wide margin. Your body crumpled into itself, sinking into gravity without your muscles to hold it up, and Kanan watched as you fell from the top of the narrow hill.

The visions were confusing. They came into your head in pieces, not fully making sense. You saw hands, white, grayish hands, and you felt afraid. You saw Kanan's face. You saw a lightsaber blade, one in a color you'd never seen before. You heard someone scream.

"Y/N! Y/N, please wake up!" you heard from somewhere far away. The visions faded. You began to feel your body. Ouch. Something hurt.

You opened your eyes. Blocking out the fading color of the Lothal sky was Kanan's face, above your own, looking down at you, worry fading to relief in his features.

"Thank the stars," Kanan said, and in spite of himself he pulled you into a tight hug. You breathed quickly, feeling his heart beating next to yours, his cheek against your cheek. Your body felt like it was dancing, moving quickly, even though your limbs were completely still. To be this close to him, and without any warning—

"What happened?" Kanan asked, pulling away from you, allowing you to sit up.

"I...I saw things," you said, rubbing your back, feeling your body growing sore from the fall.

"You had a vision?" Kanan asked, sounding surprised. You weren't sure what to make of his tone—was it normal, for Jedi to have visions? "What did you see?"

You remembered the flashing images, and felt once again a spark of fear. "I saw you...I saw someone else...something else...and I saw a lightsaber. Kanan, it was red." You saw Kanan's face stiffen. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing good," Kanan said, and you felt through the Force his fear, saw his eyes stop seeing you for a moment as his brain worked furiously, lost in thought. You stood up, and Kanan came out of his reverie. "You fell from quite a height," he said, standing with you. "I was only able to slow your fall, with the Force. I couldn't catch you. It all happened so fast." You heard the guilt behind his words, and you tried to hide the pain felt the pain in your back and legs.

"I'm fine," you said, turning to walk back in the direction of the Ghost. Kanan grabbed your arm and put it around his shoulders, trying to help you, but this was a difficult position in which to walk—partially because Kanan was almost a foot taller than you were, and partially because this closeness made your breathing go shallow, made your heart beat a little too quickly.

"Kanan, I can walk," you complained, but he put his arm around your waist and held you tight, lifting you a bit as you both made your way back to the Ghost. The feeling of his hands around you made your breath catch in your throat.

"Don't worry about the vision," Kanan said, mistaking the cause of your fast heartbeat. "I'm sure it's nothing." You felt a wave of calm wash over you, a calm you associated with Kanan's Force presence. You knew he was reaching out with the Force, trying to comfort you, and you welcomed this, trying to breathe more slowly. The feeling of his presence in the Force was the best thing in the world, as far as you were concerned. You wished he could always be next to you, not for the calm, but for the specific aura he left in the Force, the specific vibration you'd come to know so well.

"Who uses a red lightsaber?" You asked Kanan as your tangled bodies made their slow progression back in the direction of the ship. "I didn't know there were any red kyber crystals."

"There aren't," Kanan replied, sighing. "A kyber crystal turns red when under the influence of the dark side of the Force." You shivered, and he tightened his grip on you, pushing waves of Force calm over you both.

"How do you know this?" you turned your head to look at him, at his face looking out over Lothal. It looked like he was seeing something else, seeing back in time.

"My master," he answered. "She knew much about the Sith, the ancient enemies of the Jedi."

"What happened to her?" You asked, and Kanan stopped walking, hanging his head, as if he had dreaded the moment you would ask this question.

"She was killed," he answered softly, and you extricated your limbs from his, stepping to stand in front of him, putting a hand on his forearm in comfort. "At the end of the Clone Wars, when Order 66 was declared...the order to exterminate all Jedi..." he cut off, and you thought you saw a glassy sheen in his eyes.

"Oh, Kanan," you said, your heart breaking for him, and you couldn't help yourself. You put your arms up around his shoulders, hugging him around his neck. When you lowered yourself, you realized a bit too late that this gesture might have been too forward. You blushed. Hey, he did it first. You tried making excuses for your behavior, even to yourself, in your own head.

"The ways of the Force are mysterious to all of us," Kanan said, sounding like he was feigning contentedness in his voice. "The balance that it strikes—sometimes, in order to do what is right, we must make sacrifices." You nodded, stepping away from him, trying to give him space. He resumed his walking, and you followed.

"I'm sorry," you said. You were sorry-about his master, about overstepping your boundaries, about his past—you could list a whole set of apologies. Kanan shook his head.

"As Jedi, we must give up our attachments, even to those we care about the most." You intuited in this statement an unspoken portion of the sentence—even to our masters. You felt yourself blush again.

"Why?" you asked, afraid of the answer.

"Attachment leads to fear of loss," Kanan explained. "Fear leads to anger, and then to hate, which leads to suffering. A Jedi must forgo attachments in order to be one with the light side of the Force."

These words stunned you into silence. This bit of Jedi wisdom clicked certain things into place, for you. You understood why Kanan kept so few possessions, understood now why he was so careful in all of his interactions with you. Perhaps he was worried you'd grown too attached to him. You felt your stomach flip, thinking of all of the feelings you'd pushed aside, all of the glances between the two of you, all of the times you'd failed to control your thoughts. You felt ashamed. You would not allow Kanan to see these feelings. You must commit yourself to his Jedi teachings, fully. You would not forsake him, would not forsake his begotten Jedi Order. You would be strong enough to let go of all of your feelings, let go of your attachments. You had to be.

Back on the Ghost, Kanan sat in his chambers, trying to meditate, but failing. He felt the carefully cultivated stillness inside him start to crack, his insides turning into a storm, turmoil flailing around within his Force presence.

He knew where his conflicted feelings were coming from. He'd tried to push them away for so long, for months, almost a year, since...

Since that very first moment, in Capital City, he admitted to himself, and he shuddered. He felt wracked with guilt. He worried he was going to fail you, worried he was going to ruin your training, all because he was developing an attachment to you, all because he felt about you in a way that was inappropriate for a master and padawan's relationship. He felt sick. When he'd seen you fall, earlier, from that hilltop...it had become clear to him that his feelings for you had grown out of control. He needed to fix this, and fast, but meditation, and therefore wisdom, still alluded him. He groaned.

"What's with you?" Zeb said, the door sliding open.

"Ever heard of knocking?" Kanan asked, opening his eyes and giving up.

"Nah," Zeb growled, smiling. "I got a message for you, from Hera. New mission."

"I'm listening," Kanan said warily, pushing his thoughts aside, trying to clear his mind.

"Commander Sato's got intel on the location of a shipment of shield generators. Trouble is, the shipment is in a secure location...a location that will require a small, stealth extraction."

Kanan smiled. This was exactly the kind of mission the ghost crew would excel at. "Let me guess," Kanan started, but Zeb cut him off.

"Yeah, the generators are aboard a Star Destroyer," Zeb said, scratching his head, smiling cheekily.

"Well, we've visited more dangerous locales," Kanan laughed. "When do we leave?"

"Tomorrow, bright and early," Zeb said in a sarcastic salute.

"At ease, soldier," Kanan teased, as Zeb grunted and walked away, down the hallway of the Ghost and into his own quarters. Kanan could hear Sabine down in the lower deck, the sound of her spray paint cans filling the quiet hull. Kanan reached out with the Force, felt Hera's presence in the cockpit, and yours—your presence, coming from your sleeping quarters, was agitated, fearful. Kanan's brow furrowed. He knew you'd been shaken by the vision you'd had earlier. Maybe that had not been the best time to mention Order 66. Kanan felt remorseful. He tried, from where he stood, to push a Force calm in your direction, over your entire quarters. He felt your acknowledgement of his Force presence, but to his surprise, you blocked him out completely. This alarmed him. You must be really upset. He started in your direction.

"Come in," you said from behind the closed door, before he'd knocked. Kanan chuckled. You'd picked up a few of his moves. Kanan pressed the button on the door panel and entered, seeing you in a kneeled position, looking like you were trying to meditate.

"You should try to get some sleep," Kanan suggested peacefully. "We've got a new mission. We leave early tomorrow morning. Hera will brief everyone on the way." You nodded, but kept your eyes closed, your face scrunched in concentration.

"Y/N, you don't need to worry about your vision," Kanan repeated himself. "I won't let anything happen to you." At this, you opened your eyes and looked up at him, and Kanan saw in your face that you were truly rattled.

"Y/N," he said, crossing your room and sitting down in front of you, reaching his hand out to put it on your knee. "What's wrong?" You said nothing, looking at him with a pained expression. Kanan felt through the Force your anxiety, and tried in vain to push calm over you once again, but your Force block remained in place.

"Y/N, what is it?" Kanan couldn't help himself. He reached out a hand to touch your face, something he'd never done before. He watched as your features softened, fell into a dreamlike state, none of your facial muscles engaged. Perhaps this gesture was all right, he reasoned. Perhaps it was working to calm you.

"Come on, Y/N," he said, encouraging you, "I thought you didn't like secrets?" The silence that followed was deafening. Neither of you drew a breath.

"Heard we have a new mission," Sabine said sardonically from the doorway, and only then did Kanan realize that your face and his had drawn closer together. You both sat up straight, quickly, Kanan dropping his hand. "This is my bunk too, you know," Sabine said causally, her voice infused with a bit too much chaotic energy behind its calm façade. "And if we have to get up at the crack of dawn, I'd like to get some sleep."

"Right," Kanan said gingerly, standing up quickly. "Goonight," he told you uncertainly, but you weren't looking at him. Sabine's mocking smile came in between the two of you before she pressed the button on the panel and the door slid shut.

"You look tired," Hera commented when you reported to the main hull from your quarters. The ship had already taken off, and the crew was meeting to be briefed.

"Well, it's early," you said, feeling Hera's eyes on your face, her scrutiny a little uncomfortable. "And Sabine snores."

"I do not!" Sabine yelled from your shared room, scandalized. Kanan emerged from his quarters.

"Did you sleep okay?" he asked you, quietly, putting his hand on your shoulder. You worked to make sure your Force presence betrayed nothing. "As okay as ever," you said, avoiding his eyes. Chopper beeped as Sabine walked out into the hull.

"Chopper's right," Hera said, "we'll reach our destination quickly—the coordinates Sato sent us were close by, and we need to go over the plan. Where's Zeb?"

"Here," Zeb said groggily, emerging from his room, his voice low. Chopper beeped again. "What do you mean, morning breath?" Zeb growled, kicking Chopper's metal side. The droid spun around.

"Enough," Hera said sharply. "It's no easy task, invading a Star Destroyer. Is everyone listening?" There was some mumbling. "Good," Hera acknowledged. "We'll enter their range with our power off, fully cloaked, so they can't pick us up on their scopes. We'll need you two," she continued, gesturing to you and Kanan, "to work your magic to make sure we float in the right direction, right to their trash chute. That's where we'll dock—because they open and close it daily, and are constantly releasing debris, they won't notice our presence there."

"We hope," interjected Sabine. Hera nodded.

"The shield generators are only one floor above the trash compacter, in one of the storage bays," Hera said, looking around at her crew. "The four of you will have to be sneaky."

"Good thing sneaky is our way of life," Sabine replied slyly. Chopper beeped in agreement.

"Now that you're briefed, prepare yourselves. We'll arrive out of hyperspace in less than an hour." Hera finished her speech. The crew moved around, stretching. Zeb reached into a storage compartment, pulling out a sack full of dried Yala meat. Sabine put her helmet on and laid back on the flight couch, looking like she was trying to catch a few extra minutes of sleep.

"Y/N," Hera said, more quietly, trying to speak with the others out of earshot. "Are you prepared for this mission? I know you took a fall yesterday." You frowned.

"Of course," you said quickly, "I wouldn't call it a fall. It was nothing."

"All right," Hera said carefully, looking over your shoulder to see Kanan staring at your back like a hawk. When he caught Hera's eye, he looked away quickly, putting an innocent guise on his face, gesturing for Zeb to hand him some of the Yala meat. Hera rolled her eyes.

"You know you can always come to me if you...need to talk about anything, right?" Hera asked you, still lower than the others could hear. You looked up into her kind face.

"I do know," you said, giving her a small smile.

Kanan ran quietly through the halls of the basement levels of the Star Destroyer, feeling you right on his tail. The docking procedure had gone exactly as planned. He knew Sabine and Zeb were behind you, and the group had only met four stormtroopers thus far, much to Zeb's chagrin.

"The shield generators are being held just ahead," Kanan told his crew. "Zeb, try not to make too much noise with the guards."

"Can't promise anything," Zeb said, cracking his knuckles. You and Kanan stopped in front of the shut door as Sabine went to work, trying to open it without a passcode. Kanan stole a glance at you, but your face was still immobile. He felt you blocking him out with the Force, pushing against him with what must be a lot of effort. He didn't understand this, but now was not the time to address it with you.

"Get ready," Sabine said, gesturing for Zeb to get into position. The doors to the storage bay opened.

There was nothing there. No one, no stormtroopers, no crates or bins. Certainly no shield generators.

"I don't understand," Kanan said, walking forward, you and the rest of the crew following him.

"Don't you, Kanan Jarrus?" The unfamiliar voice rang out from the back of the dark bay-sized room, the doors Sabine had just opened slamming shut behind all of you.

Kanan's entire chest froze. In an instant, he drew his lightsaber, and he felt you do the same, next to him. With horror, the four of you watched as the figure emerged from the darkness.

"I've been waiting a long time for this," the man said, but he wasn't a man, with that grayish skin, the bulbous head, the yellow eyes. "Do you know what I am?" the being asked.

"Inquisitor," Kanan spat, as if it were a dirty word.

"The Grand Inquisitor, in fact," the inquisitor corrected, his voice soft and slow, menacing. He waved his hand and you, Zeb, and Sabine all flew to the side of the bay, crashing into the wall.

"Y/N!" Kanan yelled, but before he could look back to make sure you were okay, the Grand Inquisitor had converged on him, his double-bladed lightsaber glowing red. Kanan fought him, pushing aside his fear, but the inquisitor was skillful, and Kanan watched as his own blue blade lagged.

"Kanan!" he heard you yell, and he felt out with the Force, connecting with you at last. Kanan put his hand up and caught the lightsaber you had just thrown to him. This gesture made the fight more equal. Kanan and the Grand Inquisitor remained locked in combat, their sabers humming as the blades moved faster than the light they reflected.

Kanan felt it before it happened, and jumped out of the way just in time. Zeb had thrown the explosives up to the ceiling, and with a loud boom the metal pipes and tubing fell on the inquisitor, hiding him from view.

"It was a trap!" Kanan yelled, signaling for all of you to follow him. "We need to get out of here!"

"On it!" Sabine responded, quickly concentrating on the side panel and opening the doors. The crew sprinted from the storage bay, down the halls.

"Hera, we need a lift, now," Zeb yelled into his comms.

"What about the shield generators?" her voice replied.

"There aren't any," Kanan said.

"Meet me in the hangar on the east side," Hera said quickly, keeping up without asking questions. "A floor above you." The group ran, flat out, the hallways miraculously clear.

"Kanan, I need my light—" you started as you all sprinted toward the hangar, but from behind you, a swinging sound cut you off. Kanan turned to block the Grand Inquisitor's helicopter blade.

"Go!" Kanan shouted, as Sabine opened the doors to the hangar, full of stormtroopers.

"Finally, a little fun," Zeb said, getting to work fighting and blasting. Kanan fought the Grand Inquisitor with the two blades, yours and his.

"I am thrilled to make your acquaintance, Kanan Jarrus," the Grand Inquisitor said through the sound of the lightsabers crashing.

"Most people are," Kanan retorted, pushing the Grand Inquisitor back a step with the Force.

"Unfortunate, that they will be deprived of your company from now on," the Grand Inquisitor said, swinging his lightsaber down toward Kanan's neck. The inquisitor was too quick. Kanan looked up in horror as the red blades came close to his face—

"No!" you shouted, using all of your Force strength to push the Grand Inquistor away from Kanan. From above, the crew heard the sounds of the Ghost pulling into the hangar.

"Now or never," Hera yelled through her comm, and Sabine and Zeb jumped up onto the ramp.

"Run, Y/N!" Kanan yelled, running toward the ship, feeling you right behind him. You both jumped toward the ramp at the same time. Kanan landed, turning to you, but you weren't there.

"Y/N!" he yelled, whipping around. There you were, suspended, stiff as a board, in the air, the Grand Inquisitor holding you in the Force, smiling from below.

"No!" Kanan yelled, using all of his effort to pull you toward him, and succeeding. The Force was on his side. He reached out, the Force flowing through him. You were almost there. You reached out your hand to grab his.

A boom from the hangar knocked everyone from their feet, knocked the Ghost upward and backward. Kanan shook his head, trying to clear his blurred vision from the blast. He looked down and saw a battalion of stormtroopers at the door to the hangar, holding a canon. There you were, splayed on the ground of the hangar, not moving.

"The ship is damaged," Hera said over the comms. "Is everyone in? We need to go, NOW."

"No!" Kanan shouted through his comms, but he couldn't hear properly, couldn't see. "Y/N!" he roared as the Ghost pulled up and away from the hangar, watching your figure retreat away from him, the Grand Inquisitor stepping over your body, smiling.

You couldn't hear anything. The blast had left a ringing in your ears, in your head, in your whole body. It hurt. You looked around. Where was Kanan? Where was your lightsaber? You needed to fight—you needed to—

Everything was blurry. You felt the Force tug on you, and you looked up, seeing Kanan's terrified face looking down at you, moving away, farther away, flying away in the Ghost. You could see his face, see him screaming something, but you couldn't hear what he was saying. Everything went blurry again.

"Interesting," you heard a malicious voice say above you. "Very interesting."