Disclaimer - I own nothing.

Chapter 4

Hikari felt consciousness slipped back to her, pain, searing pain all over her body, remains of the tortures she endured. She deduced that the only way she could be in a bed this soft while being this hurt was if she was in the spirit world infirmary. . . again. Hikari stretched her mind out to feel her surroundings as her body began to wake. As her senses returned she felt a familiar presence touching her mind gently. At first she was comforted by the company of the presence, but when the familiarity turned into recognition, Hikari's comfort turned into fear and rage.

Panicked, Hikari forced her eyes to open and confirming her fear when she saw him sitting on a chair next to her bed, his red eyes studying her. Emotions ran thrown her with such force that she began to shake, but through the emotion cut two strong thoughts – I have to get out of here and I'm going to kill him. In response to both, Hikari swung her legs off the bed and teetered as the rest of her wobbly body followed. She felt arms, his arms, try to steady her and she shoved him off with all the strength she had, which only manages to make him take a step back. Hikari caught his red eyes again, and felt like it was all some awful dream. What was he doing here? Was this their newest form of turture? If so, how had they found out about them? She turned away from him and the questions she could not answer with strength born from raw determination. Hikari shoved the infirmary door open and took off towards Koenma's office.

Hikari's new found energy spurred her on at a speed she could normally only do at full strength. In a few short moments Hikari was at Koenma's hall. Without ceremony and to the dismay and shock of the ogres standing guard, Hikari threw open the doors to the room and walked inside, eyes blazing.

As it so happens Koenma was meeting with the boys, debriefing them on their rescue mission of her. Ignoring all the shocked faces at her arrival Hikari strode up to Koenma, grabbed him by his shirt collar and screamed, "I'm going to kill you! You broke your promise, you baka!" Hikari was squeezing Koenma's neck blue before the team comprehended what was going on and Yusuke and Kurama pulled Hikari off of Koenma.

Koenma gasped for breath as Yusuke addressed his captive, "What the hell is going on!"

Hikari's quick lived emotional energy dissipated almost as quickly as it came. Hikari's tortured body slumped against Kurama as she whispered, "I only asked one thing from you, bastard, when you asked for my service. One fucking thing! And you swore you would grant it."

Koenma looked away as he pleaded, "Hikari I. . . you were dying and they are the best. Without his work you would be dead right now, don't you realize that?"

Hikari prickled and blazed in her anger, Koenma had obviously said the wrong thing, "Do you think I care ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE?! I didn't follow through with committing suicide on your request, because you promised I could do some good. . ." She trailed off into a choked sob before continuing, her emotions and the pain in her body over powering her. "You let him in my mind, he was in the fucking room when I woke up, just sitting there. How in the hell is that keeping your damned promise?" At the last Hikari fell to the floor, her legs unable to hold her anymore. Seeing she was no longer a danger Kurama and Yusuke let go of her arms. All eyes turned to Koenma for his response.

Koenma looked at a loss for words. He finally settled with saying, "I couldn't let you die. You are too important. By the time I realized your life was in danger, Hiei was the only one who could have found you. I needed his help. You needed his help."

"No" Hikari whispered, as she yanked herself to her feet, stony in her expression. "What I needed was to be free of him. Now I hurt all over again." She paused, as her body clutched at air that wasn't in her lungs, and then said, "I'm done, Koenma. You failed to keep your part of our agreement while I have gone above and beyond in holding up mine. You will get no more service from me."

"But Hikari" Koenma spluttered, "we need the information you have about the rebellion, please, for the sake of Reikai, we need you."

"Sorry," Hikari replied, her voice coated in ice, "life's a bitch." Hikari turned to exit only to find herself drained of all energy and falling towards the unforgiving floor of the hall. As she lost consciousness, Hiei caught her limp form, having come into the hall and without anyone realizing he had witnessed almost all the encounter. Hiei's expression was also stony, but the presence of a black tear gem rolling along the floor betrayed his true feelings.

"Hiei," Yusuke said with awe, "What the hell did you do to her?" Without a response, Hiei scooped up Hikari's limp body and whisked her off back to the infirmary.

"Koenma?" Kurama prompted, feeling like they all deserved an explanation.

Koenma sunk deeper into his throne chair before answering. "They didn't part well. . . Hiei and Hikari. Some terrible things were done. . . marks were left that Hikari will carry forever. She couldn't live with the memory of it, and was at the point of taking her own life when I sent Botan to find her."

"Why did you want her?" Yusuke asked.

"Because she is has all the qualities that would make a damned good spirit detective, which are very hard to come by I'll have you know! I was taking advantage of an opportunity. I persuaded Hikari to work for me as a detective, assassin and spy. . . because. . . I promised her. . . she would never have to see Hiei again. . . She knew and personally I agreed, that . . . if she saw him again, the memory of what happened would be too much to bear. . . " Koenma choked, and began sobbing in his own right.

"What did he do to her?" Kuwabara asked quietly.

This time it was Kurama who answered. "Hiei was afraid of his feelings for Hikari, and her's for him. His caring for her was a weakness and he felt, at the time, only a temporary end to his eternal loneliness. He didn't think he could ever keep such happiness because he was cursed so profoundly at birth. So, Hiei used his knowledge and intimacy with Hikari to. . . hurt her in the way it would destroy her most. More than that I cannot say".

"Oh," was the only reply Kuwabara could muster. The room came to an unspoken understanding that they conversation was done, and everyone filed out of the hall, leaving Koenma with his head in his hands.

In the days that followed Hikari's condition worsened rather than improving. It was as though she had given up fighting her wounds and torments, and was letting herself die. Her body had other plans – it raged continuously with fever and infection, fighting to exist. Hiei paced up and down her bedside in desperate frustration. No one knew how to calm him, for all intensive purposes it was Hiei's fault he was so upset. But Hiei kept telling himself he couldn't let her die. She could hate him, she should hate him, but he couldn't let her die because of his mistakes. He couldn't. With that resolve he sat in the chair by her bed and sunk into her mind once again. He found her lying on a dark, almost black pool, floating half sunk in its depths. He walked to the pool and prepared to plunge in, but as soon as his foot touched the water it rippled and a chill ripped through him and resonated in his bones. How in the hell can she stand that water Hiei thought, and then deciding that it didn't matter, he leaped into the water and submerged himself. When Hiei came up for air, everything in him was shaking violently, the cold and hurt and pain of the water was overwhelming. All the while Hiei noticed that Hikari's figure was still motionless. Is she dead? Hiei fretted and began a fast swim over to the dark figure on the water.

When Hiei got to Hikari's side he saw her eyes were open, cold and blue-grey in color, and staring directly at him. He body might be numb, Hiei realized, but emotion and live still surged behind her eyes. Understanding that he had to explain his presence Hiei said, "Hikari I. . .you need to come back. You are lost here and it's going to kill your body. You can't. . . I mean I won't. . . I . . ." Hiei sputtered and sighed into silence.

The quiet shifting of the water was the only sound for several minutes before Hiei tried again. "Hikari. . ." Hiei whispered almost too quietly, "I'm sorry".

"Bullshit" was Hikari's dark and immediate response. "You just don't want the responsibility of my death. You would say anything you thought would bring me back, true or not."

"Damnit, you stubborn Onna!" Hiei cried, grabbing her hand and putting it on his heart, "Feel it yourself, look into me and see I don't lie".

Hikari couldn't help but gasping as Hiei's waves of regret and sorrow and apology washed over her, emotions all tied to her, emotions she didn't think him capable of. She didn't know what to say. He hadn't been lying. For a long time neither said anything. "I will never forgive you" Hikari said finally.

"I'm not asking you to, I shouldn't be forgiven. I'm just asking you to try to live".

Hikari knew her body was in bad shape from all the torture she had been trying to keep from her thoughts. Hiei was right, if she didn't start to work on healing herself, she would die. Do I really want to die? She thought miserably. Yes, her heart replied. No, her mind insisted. Hikari realized that she didn't know what she wanted. She had liked feeling useful to Koenma and she was a damn good spirit detective, but. . . she was so tired of hurting all the time. Unfortunately Hiei was in her mind already, so he heard her thoughts. Fortunately he chose to just listen rather than intervene. She is in so much pain Hiei thought, I cannot resent her desire to die.

"I will try" Hikari answered tiredly, as she pulled herself from the water she had been sinking into and walked to the land's edge of her mental plane. Hiei withdrew and left Hikari to what he knew would be a long healing.