Disclaimer - I don't own anything. Also, I understand this is a bit of a spoiler, but if you are sensitive to self-harm issues because be careful. There is nothing overly graphic here, but please be safe.

Chapter 6

Days passed into weeks, as a quiet month went by. The boys were in and out of the house Koenma had given them to stay, each going on various missions for Koenma or on personal leaves, but they always came back within a few days. The girls had their own responsibilities that took up their time. Genkai-sama even came to visit once and awhile to "keep on eye on her favorite dimwit" as she would say.

Hikari didn't have any particular responsibilities and often found herself by herself while she recovered. As Hikari's wounds healed, she found that she missed the physical pain they gave her. The pain had anchored her, and given her something to hold on it. Without it her emotions about the torture and towards Hiei and towards herself began to swamp her mind as if she was locked in a small room with them and had no way out. The flashbacks of her torture, as Hikari had termed them only increased in occurrence, making it harder for Hikari to keep them a secret. She had to keep them a secret. She couldn't be weak infront of these people, not in front of Hiei especially.

Hikari took to hiding in her room, outside, in the attic, where ever people weren't. Occasionally she would get a quiet knock on her door with Yukina saying, "Hikari-chan, I brought you some soup, can I come in?" Hikari loved Yukina like a sister and didn't have the heart to be rude to her, so Hikari often let Yukina in, knowing that Yukina reported all of their interactions to the others. Hikari knew her actions screamed there was something wrong, but she didn't know what else to do. Whenever she joined the team in an activity she couldn't sit still and snapped at everyone. Everyone noticed how antsy Hikari was and wanted to ask her what was wrong, but no one felt they had a right to ask. Hikari kept hoping and searching for a way to pull herself together. Hiei would watch Hikari from the various tree tops in the forest, unable to help himself and his concern for her. He longed to reach out to her, to help her know she was not alone. It helped that Koenma kept sending him on missions (at the urge of Kurama) because it kept him busy; he needed to be kept busy.

One rainy afternoon, things were worse than ever, Hikari had three flashbacks and hadn't slept for a few days for fear of having more flashbacks in her dreams. As Hikari frenziedly paced her room, she remembered that going on walks had sometimes helped to calm her in the past. When an hour past she couldn't think of anything else to do she pulled clothes and she walked in the living room. She paused, watching her housemates absorbed in their own actives of playing video games (Yusuke and Kuwabara) reading a book (Kurama) and staring out a window (Hiei). Noticing the girls were absent, Hikari remembered Yukina's invitation to a girls night out this afternoon, which Hikari declined. After a moment Hikari announced, "I'm going on a walk. I'm NOT running away or going anywhere further than the forest, so don't follow me! I will be back before sundown if not sooner." Surprised to hear any words coming from Hikari's mouth at all, the boys just nodded.

As Hikari neared the door though Kuwabara whispered too loudly, "Wait, didn't Koenma want us to send one of those communicator thingies with her if she left?"

Sighing, Hikari turned away from the door, walked to the counter, strapped a communicator to her belt and said "Happy?" in a tone dripping with sarcasm, before slamming out the front door.

The videogame music played in the background but no one moved. Finally Yusuke said, "If she is really a suicide risk as Koenma said, shouldn't we, you know, follow her or something?"

"I think Hiei already has that one covered" Kurama answered, nodding to the empty window sill and the slightly opened window.

"Oh, okay," Yusuke replied, his conscious eased he returned to his videogame with Kuwabara.

Hikari walked into the forest, soaking up the dark green around her. She knew why Hiei felt so safe here, a love of trees was something they had in common. However as she ventured into the forest it became more apparent to Hikari that the walk did nothing to appease her. With her emotions bearing upon her even more strongly than ever before and Hikari began to run, her weakened body and bandages protesting with every step.

It wasn't long before Hikari tripped over a rock and felt to the ground, rolling to a stop. Pulling herself up, she caught her arm on a tree branch and scratched it. Hikari looked in awe at the cut and the blood beading there because at that moment she felt calmed, felt a slight release from her emotions. Curious and fascinated, Hikari plopped down to the grassy earth and pulled out her belt knife, testing the edge with her finger. She felt adrenaline pulse through her as she drew the blade across her arm, next to the scratch made by the tree branch. Release filled Hikari like a drug, numbing the emotional sea and dripping it out of her in a tiny drops of crimson. Amazed by the sensation and by how little she cared about the signifance of her action, Hikari cut her arm again and again until seven marks of different sizes and severity bled on her forearm. She smiled to herself, this would work at least for now.

Hiei frowned deeply as he watched Hikari from the treetops, he didn't really understand what she was doing, but he couldn't image it was good. The marks didn't look deep enough to be suicide inspired, but intentionally harming herself could not be a good sign. For the moment however, Hiei resolved to keep the information to himself, Hiei understood Hikari's need to find answers herself - that is what he would want for himself too.

Hikari removed the bangages from her upper arm and wrapped them around her bleeding arm. Somehow she could help but smile a little as she did, she had found a way to stay strong.

Hikari returned to the house, placed the communicator back on the counter. Hikari when to her bedroom momentarily to change clothes, selecting a long sleeved black hoodie with thumb holes and choose to leave her jean shorts on. For the first time in ages Hikari felt good, no she felt great, elated even. She went to the kitchen to make some dinner, humming to herself as she went. As she was finishing a chicken and shrimp stirfry Yusuke and Kuwabara poked their heads in saying, almost in unison, "What smells so good?"

Hikari grinned wickedly, "Dinner, if you are willing to earn it."

"Earn it?" Yusuke groaned.

"Yes" Hikari replied matter of factly. "I have no idea when you two took a shower last, but it has been WAY TOO LONG, I have no idea how Keiko let you get away with it. If you want dinner, go wash." Yusuke groaned loudly and right before Kuwabara could start in, Hikari added, "If you don't hurry, we will eat it all without you".

Just as the boys had marked her tension, they also marked Hikari's sudden calmness, and almost civil behavior toward them. The only odd difference was that Hikari saddening insisted to treat her wounds personally, and became angry if any of the boys tried to help.

A week after, Hikari sought a meeting with Koenma, with the boys in toe. "I request permission to start training. I know my body and it is as healed as it can get for the present. If I am ever to be useful again I will need to get my body back into fighting shape, and with the boys" Hikari said, shooting a glare in their direction, "I have learned that I won't be stepping foot on a track or lifting a weight without your permission" Hikari said curtly.

"You mean you have changed your mind about helping with the rebellion?" Koenma asked hopefully.

"I have lived in Makai on an off for my whole life. The living world has enough of it's own assholes without setting all the baka's of Makai on it. I while I live, I will help. I have nothing else worthwhile to do."

"Fair enough" Koenma said, trying to hide his delight. "I support your interests in retraining, but I do feel I should have our doctors look over you one more time to give the okay. Even with your gifts at healing, I think being cautious won't go amiss".

Hikari stiffened and unconsciously pulled at the sleeves of her long sleeved tunic. Hiei tensed at Hikari's reaction and had to worry about how many more marks that tunic was hiding. His thoughts were interrupted by Hikari's response, "I'm no particular fan of doctors I am afraid" Hikari said casually.

"What about Yukina having a look at ya?" Kuwabara chimed in, "I'm sure she would be more than willing to."

Kuwabara, you are sweet, but I know her too" Hikari said dryly. "We were having tea together before you were born, and I have been living in the same house with her and you for awhile now."

"Oh" said Kuwabara, not sure how to slice the awkwardness in the room.

"That's settled then. Pending Yukina's evaluation, you have my full permission to start training. Welcome back to the team" Koenma beamed.

"Koenma, don't make me shatter that smile off your pacifiered face" Hikari growled, and left the room.

"Hiei, is something bothering you?" Kurama asked as the boys moved to leave the hall.

"Hn" Hiei replied.

"Okay, let me know if you want to talk" Kurama said, not offended by Hiei's refusal.

Hiei left the hall, determined to find out what Hikari was up to. He followed his mental link to her, a link he had not mustered the strength to close, and was not surprised to find her in the forest. Hiei settled on a tree to watch.

Hikari clutched her belt knife, prolonging the moment of release for just a moment, before pulling the blad across her skin. She sighed heavily. She could handle anything now. All the emotion that had built up during her interview with Koenma was gone and she had the momentary peace she craved. After making a few more slashes Hikari reluctantly stowed her belt knife and concentrated on healing these and the week's cuts previously. She didn't want to heal them, liked how the pained her during the healing process, but if she didn't heal the cuts enough to make them look old, Yukina would notice them. Hikari had enough war scars that the group on her forearm would be of no consequence and hardly cause suspicion by Yukina. Once Yukina had looked her over, Hikari would be free to cut in peace. The only difficult was keeping herself from cutting between now and the following morning. Hikari was a bit shocked by how much this short week's of habit had made her feel so dependant. She took out her belt knife and held its cool metal in her fingers. Her panic relaxed, her safety net was still secure.

Hiei gripped the tree branch with white knuckles, forcing his body not to be sick after the scene he had just witnessed. There were over 100 marks on Hikari's arm when she healed it. Over 100 in just a week?! This was bad. It looked as though Hikari had become dependent on hurting herself over night. If she didn't deal with all those emotions she was using cutting to run away from, the harm he saw now would only be the beginning. Hiei paced the tree branch thinking what can I do? Should I tell? He resolved to go back to the house and see how the night played out.

At first Hikari had figured the time until tomorrow would pass quickly if she spent it by herself in her room. She soon understood that being alone was an awful idea because alone, her desire to cut had become a need within an hour. She had just justified to herself the idea of making a few small cuts when the noise of the Wii sounded from the living room, snapping her into the realization of what she had almost done. She slipped her belt knife back into its sheath, and wondered into the living room to distract herself with company.

Hikari paced the living room as everyone engaged in their preferred leisure activities. Yusuke and Kuwabara were video gaming as always, and had started a smash tournament with Shizuru and Keiko. Yukina and Kurama were playing chess, and Hiei was on his usual window seat struggling to master angry birds on Keiko's cell phone. Everyone once and awhile a particularly profound string of curse words would emerge from the fire demon.

"Hiei-san" Yukina said when Hiei kicked over a table in frustration, "I think it is just a game.

I know!" Hiei growled, "Damn Ningenkai and its addicting games. I will triumph!" Hiei declared and returned to the game in earnest. Everyone overted their gazes from him while they covered smiles and giggles. Even Hikari was temporarily distracted by Hiei.

Hikari floated around watching the different activities before taking a seat in the corner. She was able to sit for another hour before the pacing had begun, around 6pm. Her urge to cut was most unbearable. What have a gotten myself into, and could I get out of it if I tried? Hikari asked herself, not waiting for herself to answer. When 7pm rang on the mantle clock Hikari declared, "I'm going for a walk" and left through the front door without another word. Everyone looked up briefly but returned to their activities, everyone except Hiei.

Hiei followed Hikari, convinced she was going into the woods to give into the urge that was so obviously consuming her. He had been watching her carefully all night, between rounds of the confounded angry birds game. How could the others not notice? Because they haven't been stalking her and they don't know her as well as you do, his inner voice answered. When did I start loving her again enough to protect her this way? Did I ever stop loving her when I chased her away?

Hiei was spared from hearing his inner voice answer his questions as Hikari broke into a run. She ran through the forest, up the mountain and partway down it before she collapsed from exhaustion. "Thank God" she gasped, and her world went dark.

Hiei realized that getting to this point of exhaustion was why Hikari had run in the first place – it was a planned last straw. When Hiei sensed Hikari had been asleep for several minutes he jumped down from his tree and scooped her up in his arms. Hiei studied her face for a moment and couldn't help but think here in sleep she has finally found peace. He moved stands of her black hair off her face gently, recalling how beautiful she was. How had he forgotten? How had he let things come this far? As Hiei ran the stretch back to the house, his heart ached for Hikari and all she had suffered and was suffering. At 2am Hiei arrived, climbing nimbly up to Hikari's window, unlatching it, and laying her on bed, cradling her for a moment too long. He was lucky she was so out of shape or someone less friendly might have found her before he did. Hiei tucked the soft black sheets over Hikari's sleeping form and left through the window through which he came.

A/N - I promise this will not be another self-harm/emo fic, just be patient with me. Hikari doesn't know how to trust people and she won't learn that over night. When people are faced with challenges that are beyond them, they do stupid things to try to handle life on her own. We've all done stupid things when we want to seem strong.

Jenna - I promise somewhere in the next two chapters your question will be answered extensively.