I am sorry to report that this might be the last chapter update for the next week or so. I have been using the writing of this fanfic to procrastinate finishing the rough draft of my thesis, so now I have to get back to work. I am close to being done, and have to have the draft finished by August 15th, so I should be posting again soon. Stay patient with me, okay? And enjoy this chapter. Jenna, this one is for you .

Chapter 8

Hiei scowled to himself as he watched the team's attitudes towards his and Hikari's situation change as the weeks past. They began to view him with pity and condolence, and seemed to be resenting Hikari for ignoring Hiei's kindness. Hiei knew better and wished he had some way of explaining to the others that he deserved Hikari's treatment and that she had every right to hate him. Hikari hadn't even been that outright awful, normally she just avoided Hiei. Now that Hikari was cleared for training by Koenma she spend as much time rebuilding her strength as her newly healed body would let her. Apparently either Kurama had been talking, or Hiei had not been as secret about his feelings as he thought, because more and more he heard the gang making small comments that took Hikari to task for her negative and despondent treatment of him. Idiots, all of them.

Hikari had played Yukina's words of guidance over and over again in her head. Each day she chose to harm herself over the flashbacks and emotional pain she felt, a part of her said there was another way to seek relief. Hikari's guilt was so great that she had gotten very close to talking to Yukina instead of cutting, so close to admitting to the team that she wasn't over the torture and it was taking over her life and she couldn't handle it alone. It's not like she was the only one with problems, everyone seemed to carry their own baggage around this place, and everyone seemed to know about everyone else's baggage. Hikari longed to let them in. But every time she got close, thoughts of Hiei would stop her.

Hiei, the one who had taught her that she really couldn't trust anyone. Hiei who kept following her with his eyes and trying to break the walls she kept herself tightly wrapped in. If she let the others in, what would stop Hiei? Hikari couldn't sort out her feelings for Hiei. Ever since she moved in with the team Hiei had behaved like the man she loved, but Hikari could not forget what that man had done. Hikari tried to be cordial, but most of the time ended up snapping at Hiei, because pushing him away let Hikari push away deciding how she felt about him.

Hikari struggled even more when her chose to push Hiei away was greeted with rejection and disdain from the team. Everyone kept saying things like, "Give Hiei a break," or "Lighten up Hikari he is trying to help" and even, "Hikari stop being such a bitch, and learn how to let it go already!" The more they commented, the more Hikari pushed them and Hiei away, which lead to them making even more comments. It was a deadly cycle. Hikari drove herself into training, and cutting, and sleeping, and training, in preparation for the day she could go back to going on solo missions.

Occasionally Hikari was dragged to a team activity, usually by Yukina, which was just often enough to prove to Hikari that no one's attitudes towards her had changes for the better. She didn't want them to feel bad and pity her situation, she just wanted them to stay out of something they didn't understand and wasn't their place to understand.

One afternoon Hikari got a knock on her door. "Give me a minute, I just got out of the shower!" she called back to the door. Hikari pulled on clothes and opened the door to reveal who she had expected, Yukina.

"We are going to have a party at the Temple to celebrate Genkai's birthday, it is a bit of a surprise sort of thing. Anyway, I know how much you loved the grounds, and I would really love it if you came with us tonight."

Hikari sighed, but nodded, she had a hard time saying no to Yukina. "What do I wear to said party?"

Yukina giggled and hugged Hikari saying "Oh good, you are coming! Wear whatever you would like, the dress is casual" Yukina beamed. "We are all going to go over there in about an hour. Meet us outside and we'll catch a portal to the Ningenkai. See you then!" With one last hug, Yukina was gone, skipping down the hall gracefully.

Hikari shook her head at Yukina and shut the door. Going over to her closet Hikari prepared to dress again, this time for a party. Hikari finally decided on a pair of off-white jean shorts, under a dark grey-blue halter top dress with flowers embroidered on it. She put grey drops in her ears and pulled her hair up in a simply knot with her bangs hanging to frame her face. She completed the outfit with a pair of high laced sandals. She wrapped bandages on her each arm, stealing a style mark from Hiei in order to hide her arms from view. By the time Hikari had gotten ready for the evening and straightened up her room it was time to meet the team. Giving herself one least go over in the wall mirror, Hikari left to meet the others.

Genkai was sufficiently surprised by the gathering and she scowled at all of them. Soon though she warmed up and was laughing with everyone else at Yusuke and Kuwabara's stupid antics. When food was eaten and the main living area cleaned up, Kurama turned on some soft music and asked Genkai for a dance. It was well known that Genkai had loved dancing in her youth, but had done very little after she and Toguro had parted. Genkai accepted with a smile. As the song ended and another one began to play Genkai snapped at everyone, "Don't just stand there dimwits, get dancing!"

Quickly Yusuke was dancing and Keiko and Yukina with Kuwabara. Shizuru asked Botan to dance, and Koenma pouted about not getting there first. Tentatively Hiei walked over to Hikari. It took Hiei two songs to get close enough where he could speak to her. Finally Hiei was in front of the wall where Hikari stood. Hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the ground Hiei asked quietly, "Hikari would you dance with me?"

"No" Hikari replied simply, also unable to meet Hiei's eyes. "Thanks" she added as an after thought.

"Hikari, are you going to play with Hiei's heart forever?" Yusuke shouted out, hearing Hikari's rejection. "Give the poor guy a chance."

Hikari's head shot up to glare at Yusuke. In seconds she boiled with power and anger and pain. Struggling to control the sudden emotion Hikari slammed her fist into the wall and shouted "Damn it!" She created enough commotion that everyone had stopped dancing and stared at her. Their stares pushed Hikari further over the edge. Trembling, she took a deep breath to steady herself before speaking.

"For some reason," Hikari began, her voice freezing the room over with her cold fury, "you think I am the big bad ex lover who is torturing the poor repented Hiei by not forgiving him. Normally I wouldn't give a shit about what any of you think of me. Unfortunately I do have to give a shit because most of us live together and currently work together. Your disdain stems from your ignorance and it is staring to piss me off. You can think I am scum for any of my past offenses, which are quite numerous. I claim no sainthood. Nor would I want to. But I not scum for this. It was actually out of respect for Hiei that I didn't make the specifics of our break up public knowledge. But at this point though, I don't care anymore."

Hikari paused in talking as she walked over to Yukina, noting that she had the full attention of everyone in the room. "Words" Hikari said, "do the matter no justice, so I have a small demonstration for you."

Hikari reached out her hand to pull Yukina's face up to meet hers, icy grey-blue meeting crimson. "Imagine Yukina that you are at the end of your days, dying in regret that you never found your brother, only to discover that it was legend, not reality that your brother survived his fall off the mountain. You spent your whole life on a vain quest only to find out you will die all alone". Yukina shivered.

"That's not good enough, you have to feel it!" Hikari cried. She lowered her hand from Yukina's face and formed a small ball of darkness in it, which she then proceeded to thrust into Yukina's chest. Yukina gasped in pain as the intensity of emotion waved over her. Hikari's abilities as an empathy enabled her to create the emotions Yukina would have felt at such a moment. Emotion swamped Yukina and she fell to her knees, crying in spite of her generally great control over her emotions.

"Hikari, stop it!" Hiei cried. His voice drew her attention and she went towards him. "Your turn, Hiei?" Hikari asked mockingly. Unconsciously Hiei backed away slightly. Hikari summoned another ball of darkness in her hands as she leaned into Hiei enabling herself to whisper in his ear, "Here is what you would feel if your friends actually treated you like the forbidden child you think you are", Hikari spat, and shoved the energy inside Hiei. He groaned and was thrown back against the wall by the force of the emotion. His crimson eyes welled full of loneliness, self-loathing, anger, and fear.

Kurama tried to come to the aid of Hiei and Yukina, but instead walked straight into Hikari's next darkness ball and fell to his knees, clutching his chest. "You are feeling the desperation of being trapped inside Youko while he kills all those you hold most dear."

One by one Hikari implanted each member of the team with the emotions of their greatest fear.

"Botan, you are doomed to forever be too late to save the souls that have passed on. Right as you reach the soul, a soul eating demon devours it. You must watch all the souls you swore to protect be dragged down to the pits of hell."

"Genkai, you had your unborn child and she looks exactly like Tagoro. You hate and love that child, and are haunted by the man that left you until the end of your days."

"Kuwabara, Yukina is dying right before your eyes at the hands of an enemy that is beyond your strength. You are dying as you fail to protect her, her screams echoing in your fading ears".

"Keiko, it's the day that he doesn't come back. You are all alone."

"Yusuke, you died saving that little kid, the only thing you ever accomplished in your miserable life. You never got a second chance. This is your wake up call - welcome to hell."

" Shizuru, you are weak and powerless. There has never been anything special about you. You have never been able to protect those you care for, you cannot even protect yourself. You are forever at the mercy of your abusers."

"Koenma, the Spirit world has fallen, Botan is dead, your Father is angry, and you, the immoral, are about to die."

Hikari watched them all as minutes past by. She waited until one of them was at their breaking point before calling the darkness out of the whole team. Gasps, pants, sighs, groans, sobs, cries, and other various sounds of anguish began to quiet down. Hikari let the glowing orbs of darkness levitate in front of the person they had just been inside.

Everyone's eyes darted towards Hikari as she spoke in a measured whisper, "Imagine not only feeling the pain of that moment, but also seeing that moment in a version, say through telepathy. Imagine that not just one but all of your deepest fears played themselves out before your eyes and burned their pain into your heart until the line between reality and nightmare is blurred out of existence". Hikari turned to look at Hiei as she continued, "Lastly, imagine that the one causing this pain is your love, and he didn't even tell you why".

Hikari shuttered, and her gaze become distant as she continued flashing back to the incident in question, "It was night. We had just finished making beautiful love, and I had fallen asleep. He was afraid of how much he cared for me. I realize now that is why he did it. Hiei was scared of being attached to someone else. In that fear he panicked. The Dragon felt Hiei's emotions and somehow convinced Hiei that with the Dragon's power, I wouldn't be a threat anymore. . . I wouldn't be a source of confusion or a source of weakness. Hiei send the dragon through our mental link into my mind, and what you just felt now was only a sliver of the pain he gave me. The dragon feasted upon my core as a darkness demon, using all his methods to draw more pain and thus power, out of me. . ." Hikari choked, gained control of her emotions and then looked at the others' wide eyed expressions. "I will take those back now" she said gesturing to the darkness orbs.

Slowly the floated to her and settled into her hand, forming one great ball. After she had retrieved them all, Hikari took the glowing dark mass that had formed in her hand, and pressed it into her own chest. She gasped out with pain, overcome by the strength and power everyone's emotions had added to the darkness. Hikari clutched her chest gasping for break, as she fell to her knees.

"Fool" Genkai croaked. "Our deepest pains were poured into that darkness, taking it back now will destroy you!"

"Can't. . . let. . . it. . . go . . . free" Hikari panted. "I. . . take. . . responsibility. . . wasn't. . . trying to hurt. . . you all. Just. . . needed to show you. . . needed you to understand. . . think. . . now of me. . . as you will. . . I don't care. . ."

Yukina was at Hikari's side, still tearing, but at a loss for words. Hikari's own brain was thinking fast, half overrun by the strength of others' emotions now inside her. "Kurama" Hikari breathed at last, "a thorn . . . if you please. . ."

Seconds later Kurama was also at Hikari's side, a thorn from his rose whip in his out stretched hand. Closing her eyes, Hikari yanked the thorn across her palm, slicing it deep.

"What are you. . ." Kurama started, but stopped as darkness, not blood, dripped out of the wound and began to form another orb.

"Serving darkness, even as a darkness demon, still required the demon. . . to follow the rules of . . . sacrifice for calling in its power. . . in this case. . . equivalent exchange, my physical pain for the emission of this emotional darkness. . ." The orb grew in size until it was the size of a compact tennis ball. With a cry of effort Hikari too the ball and shoved it into the ground under her feet. The earth trembled for a moment and then stilled. Completely drained, Hikari teetered backwards, only to be caught by a fire demon's strong arms. Closing her eyes Hikari whispered, "Now do you understand Hiei, what you have done?" She passes into unconsciousness with no response except the shattering fall of Hiei's black tear gems hitting the floor all around then, while he clutched Hikari to his chest.