Chapter 12

Hikari cleared her mind, letting each wayward thought that came to her pass on without examination. She focused on what she knew of Hiei, choosing for the first time not to filter any of her thoughts or feelings, but to just let them all come. She saw his rare smirk of a smile, the sword calluses on his palms, and his deep crimson eyes. betraying that there was warmth under his cold exterior. She felt his tenderness from the past relationship, his protectiveness, and his passion, the surprising softness of his lips. She remembered the sacred beautiful of their intimacy, his tentative and tender touch, so different and so much more than she had expected. She heard the tremble in his voice the first time he told her he loved her and the relief he felt when she returned the sentiment. She felt the gentle pressure of his hand clasped in hers.

Moving on, Hikari immersed herself where their relationship soured, finding Hiei's overwhelming fear of attachment, fear of himself, and fear of love. She recalled all the mixed messages he sent her in their relationship, his confusion reflected in his actions. She dug into his self hatred and sense of worthlessness and abandonment. She tried to feel his body shaking as he shed enough tear gems to form her necklace. She imagined his love for Yukina and Kurama, his respect and caring for the team, and his hatred for the family and thieves who betrayed him.

Feeling her body shake with the weight of the emotion and the memories, Hikari took several deep breaths, told her body to calm down, and sunk deeper into finding Hiei, projecting all she had remembered and felt into an emotional image of Hiei. Hiei carried so much with him each day, so much depth of person that he constantly tried to keep from spilling out for others to see. He was a shocking mixture of strength and vulnerability, of self imposed loneliness and longing for closeness to another, of gentleness and coldness, of pride and self loathing, his hopefulness towards life sunk deeply by oceans of fear. Hikari reached out with her mind, power, and heart over the vastness of Makai to find a being from whom these emotions emanated.

Kurama tightened his grip on Hikari draped on his back as he and Yukina still journeyed to the cave. The forest they were now walking through was litered with foliage and stray roots to trip on, and the temperature of the air around them had dropped at least twenty degrees. However, Kurama doubted it was the temperature that gave Hikari's body the constant tremor it had for the last ten minutes or so. Concerned, and unable to get a good look at Hikari, Kurama looked at Yukina next to him and said, "How is she?"

Yukina's studied Hikari's face, eyes pinched tight and skin beaded with sweat. "Hanging on" Yukina replied, hoping to herself that her assessment was true. How are you?" Yukina asked, changing the subject, "will you let me carry some of your pack for you now? I know Hikari is not very heavy, but I am sure your back would be tired even by carrying a child this long".

Kurama realized his own face and body was soaked with sweat and his breathing was labored. He didn't want to put Hikari down until the reached the cave where he had the best chance of keeping her safe. If Hiei lives through this and Hikari doesn't, Hiei would never forgive me Kurama thought to himself. Resigned, Kurama answered, "If you could, I am afraid it would be helpful, just for a little while. I don't want to put her down until we get to the cave".

"Of course" Yukina replied, taking the pack Kurama offered him and slinging it across right shoulder, opposite the pack of medical supplies on her left. Fortunately Kurama's bag of provisions was lightened already during the previous three days of their journey. After a few minutes of silence, Yukina voiced the question that she kept turning over in her head, "Kurama, why do you think Hiei left?"

Kurama sighed, this was the question also plaguing his own mind. "If we had found him already, I would have said he left out of the pain Hikari made him feel, both in making his greatest fear a reality and his comprehension of the agony he put her through, the woman he loves. I can only imagine his natural self loathing would have intensified to some extreme degree, causing him to go back to his ways of rejecting those who care about him because he believes he is unlovable. Maybe that was his original motive, to run away from what he could not bear to feel and face. But now it is apparent that he is hiding, that he doesn't not want to be found. The fact that he is still missing worries me. I don't know how much faith I have in his judgement in such a state. So, I suppose he probably left for the reasons I said, except that those reasons don't explain why we haven't found him."

"I wish he had given us a chance to show him that he is wrong. I mean, what he did was awful, but it was also between him and Hikari, you know? I care about him regardless of some of the decisions he has made, and regardless of him being the forbidden child because he is a good man underneath it all, you know?"

"Yea" Kurama said quietly, "I do know. He has saved my life many times over our years as friends. I think he is afraid sometimes to be good, because he thinks someone as cursed as him could never be good."

"What my people did was unforgivable. All he did was be born, and he didn't even have a say in that. I wish. . . I wish there was a way to help him know that we as his friends don't care about any of that. I wish. . . " Yukina sighed.

"I think that is why his relationship with Hikari scared him so much, because she did see past his mask and found him to be a good, though prickly, Hiei. I think he hurt Hikari to prove to himself that he is the monster he has always been labeled as."

"And to push her away" Yukina added, "Her leaving would prove to him that he isn't worthy of relationships and doesn't deserve them, I think. But at the same time, if anyone can prove him wrong, can get through to him that he does not have to be the monster he is accused of being, it is Hikari, especially now after what happened. If she can still genuinely love him, maybe he can believe he is lovable."

"I hope so."

"Oh, look up ahead, I think we have found our cave" Yukina said in triumph, "just beyond this grove of trees I think".

"Perfect, let's pick up the pace then, its starting to get dark" Kurama replied.

Though there were many beings in Makai, very few comparatively were capable of feeling all Hiei was at that moment. Hikari supposed Hiei had left because of his inability to control or hold back the emotions he was feeling, so as she searched, she looked for emotions that seemed patterned with rawness, and emotions anchored to experiences similar to those Hiei went through. Though Hiei wasn't the only demon to every undergo romantic drama, his particular experiences were colored with so much opposing emotions that Hiei pattern held more uniqueness than most.

As the time past, a voice in Hikari's head kept reminding her that she didn't know what she was doing, that this was a vain endevor and that Hiei was already gone. She ignored that fear, or at least tried to, but she couldn't help but be filled with continual urgency and growing frustration. I can't loose him now. She felt so close, as if she was right next to the rock he was hiding under. "Hiei!" Hikari pulsed, not with her mind, but with her own emotions. "HIEI JAGASHI, where are you, damn it!" and then finally in despair "I love you. . ." To her last pulse of emotion she felt a resonating pang from. . . from where? It almost felt too close. It felt like Hiei. Confused, Hikari lost her concentration, and began to wake up. She felt hard stone against her back and backside, indicating she was propped up against the cave wall Yukina and Kurama had evidently arrived at. She felt the warming fabric of a blanket around her shoulders and front. Her mouth felt dry and tired, and her body ached from the tension in her muscles, an unintentional side effect of concentrating so hard with her mind.

It wasn't until Hikari opened her physical eyes that she realized it, "Holy shit, no wonder I can't find him, he has been following us the whole time!" But what Hikari thought was a declaration, actually came out as a cracked and incomphensible string of sound to Kurama and Yukina.

"What's that Hikari?" Kurama and Yukina said, almost in unison.

"Water" Hikari croaked this time, and once understood, Kurama had her water bottle to her lips. Though she tried to drink slowing, Hikari still coughed and sputtered a bit from swallowing the water while trying to breathe. When she felt her mouth and throat lubriated enough Hikari tried her message again, "I have been having such a hard time finding him because I was searching for him outward and forward from out position, but Hiei has been following us the whole time, or at least for much of the time we have been in Makai. He's probably in the forest somewhere outside this cave".

"How do you figure that?" Kurama asked gently.

"I was getting frustrated and tired, I let too much of my own emotion creep into my search. At the end, rather than searching for his emotions, I projected my own out, my anger and fear and frustration and. . . at the end. . . my love for him. . ."

"We felt it also" said Yukina quietly.

" I think he expected the other emotions I sent out, so he didn't react, but my love took him off guard, and I felt a pang of his response afterward. He has been guarding himself so well, but no one else would have a response to my love colored with so much hurt, and disbelief and . . . longing as this was. We have to find him" Hikari declared, shooting to her feet. She regretted her speedy movement instantly as the resulting head rush made the world around her spin. Hikari closed her eyes to steady herself and opened them to find Yukina and Kurama at her sides. "Just stood up too fast" Hikari explained. "I'm fine. We have to get moving, we-"

"Are wanted by some very powerful people miss Hikari, people who are willing to pay us well" said a voice from the mouth of the cave, and as if from no where, a horde demons filled their exit way.

"Shit!" was all Hikari could manage. "Yukina, get behind me and pull out that dagger. Kurama?" but Hikari didn't need to say anymore, the red head beside her had drawn his rose whip and stood bracing himself for the demons' attack. Hikari only had one moment to curse her suggest that they hide in a cave because if its duel nature as a cage, before the demons slammed into her. Hikari had managed to grab her katana from the ground and have it up in defense, but that had cost her precious time, leaving her unprepared. She wasn't connected with her surrounds, she hadn't had the one moment she needed to gain her awareness of the enemy around her. Thus, what would have been an easy battle resulted in receiving many hits Hikari normally would have avoided. None of the demons were very strong and she had Kurama at her side, but Kurama seemed to be in the same position as she was, unprepared. He spun and lashed with his whip, taking down demon after demon. Hikari sliced heads and arms and legs from bodies, but it was all she could do to keep swinging. She didn't have a moment to take advantage of the shadows and darkness the cave had to offer, to summon up their strength and power. The waves of demons kept swarming her and Kurama. After Kurama fought several demons that were identical to each other he realized it, "Hikari, these are copies of the actually demons! See how easily they die? The real demons must be in this mess somewhere, try to see if you can locate demons that seem to have more depth to them!"

"I don't think they are in the cave. If I were them I wouldn't be, I would send my copies and stay away until the battle is decided." Hikari grimaced, knowing the could only keep up fighting this barrage of demons for so long. From a quick glace she saw Kurama had a wound to his left thigh that bleed freely, as well as several cuts along his arms where he must of have used them to deflect blows. Kurama was breathing hard, and Hikari was sure she also must be breathing hard, her tired body has its own share of cuts and scraped. Hikari staggered back as her head rang from a strong blow to her temple, her ears ringing in response. Yukina threw her knife at the demon attacking Hikari, trying to buy Hikari time to get her bearings. Slashing out wildly, Hikari battled on as she shouted, "Thanks Yukina, now stay back! You cannot die because of me!"

If I believed in gods I would be praying right now Hikari thought to herself, we need a fucking miracle.

As if in answer to her thoughts, the demon horde in front of her began to disappear. Immediately she felt more than saw Kurama sink to the ground beside her. "Yukina, Kurama's leg, please so to it" she panted, standing in front of Kurama to defend them both. In a matter of minutes all the demon copies had disappeared or been slashed to oblivion by Hikari's blade. She spared a glance behind her to confirm Kurama and Yukina were relatively alright before sprinting to and out the mouth of the cave, towards Hiei. Hiei must have been the one to kill the original demons, effectively stopping the tide of demons coming at the trio. At first Hikari feared Hiei was going to disappear, to leap away into the night, and be gone forever. But no. . . he wasn't moving, he was waiting for her. She ignored her aching head as she dashed about the forest. After about a half a mile Hikari found him, slumped against a tree base, arms crossed, and head lowered.

Fear tore at her and ran with all her soul to him, falling to her knees next to him and throwing her arms around his neck, pulling the fire demon towards her, resting his head on her chest. Hiei didn't move, and he didn't struggling, just laid in Hikari's arms, seemingly emotionless. Hikari stroked his head and ran her fingers through his gravity defying hair, all the while whispering over and over again, "I love you, I love you."

After what seemed like hours, Hiei's beaten voice asked, "How?"

"How what, Hiei?"

"How could you love me?"

"You left before I could explain. I loved you in spite of what you did, or at least I grew to love you again. But I also needed you to understand what you did, because. . . I needed you to know. . . because. . . you needed to understand you cannot do it again."

"You should not love me after that."

"Hiei. . . what hurt most is that I didn't understand, that you were hurting and confused inside and never told me. We are both strong demons, when emotions are involved our power will inevitably get away from us. I know. . . I knew you didn't realize what you had done. . . but. . . and this is my fault. . . I needed you to be sorry before I could forgive you. I needed you to know with enough hurt that you wouldn't do that again. I needed you to know, so that I could trust you to look into me and find my love for you to be genuine, scarred, and bruised, but also genuine. And. . . I lost me temper. . . that night or I would never have let things happen the way the did. . . I am sorry I hurt you."

"You're. . . sorry?" Hiei said in disbelief.

"In showing you what you did to me, I did it to you. . . and that is unforgivable. . . and yet, I beg your forgiveness. There are so many awful and unflattering things me, I am not good or kind, I am easily hurt and rash and emotional and -" Hikari was cut off by very tentative lips pressing against hers. Though she rambled in moments of tension, Hiei always remained one of few words. But here, though this kiss, he said everything that needed to be said. It was long and sweet and tender, a kiss of new lovers taking a leap of faith.

A/N - Ummm, I am not planning on this being the end of the story, I dislike the idea of ending the story at a possibly happily ever after or a beginning. It will not be easy for Hikari and Hiei to reforge their relationship and learn to trust and open their bonds with each other again. Hikari has her demons of flashbacks, and self-harm to struggle against, and Hiei has demons of his own. Is there interest in me continuing the story this way, or will that just seem like I am trying to drag it out? Review if you have an opinion on this or anything else story related. Thanks!