Chapter 13

Hiei woke to warm wetness on his cheek, dog breath on his face, and to a beautiful laugh at the edge of his sleepy hearing. As he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes he hear Hikari say with a giggle, "Shadow, stop that right now! I told you to let Hiei sleep you silly!"

Hiei saw that Shadow was indeed a dog, a white wolfish sort of dog with deep brown eyes currently perched on his chest. Hikari lifted the creature from off him and put it on her lap as she took a seat on the bed Hiei was currently lying in, bed Hiei knew was not his own.

"Where am I?"

"My room" Hikari replied simply. "I couldn't exactly put you in yours and let you run off again when I wasn't looking. I figured my room would work just fine, only-".

"-you didn't take into account your curious puppy?"

"Exactly."

Hiei nodded, as he observed the room around him recognizing it from the few times he had been in it before. He moved himself into a sitting position, sliding the soft grey and black bedding down to his waist.

"Shadow's curiosity makes him a bit disobedient sometimes, but he is really great company for nightmares. . ." Hikari trailed off.

"Your nightmares started again after I. . . we. . . separated?"

"Yea, the night after, just my luck I guess" Hikari said, trying to shrug off the topic, and then realizing what she was doing, she stopped, thought for a moment and then continued, "I have been thinking that we need to start over, start us over again".

"We can't ignore everything that has happened, Hikari" Hiei replied matter of factly.

"Of course not, that's not what I mean" Hikari sighed, trying to gather her words. She scooted closer to Hiei on the bed and took his hand. Leaving her eyes glued to the bed sheets Hikari said, "If there is hope for me to ever trust anyone Hiei, it would be you. I don't know why, but I know it would be you. I agree that we have a lot of things to sort out, but I think we have to rebuild first. I don't think either of us will be able to be honest about our feelings or talk about some of the personal demons we are facing until we have learned to trust each other again. Does that make any sense?"

When Hiei didn't respond right away Hikari kept talking to fill the silence, "Like, maybe we should start by getting to know each other again, spending time together, and re-finding some of the good we have forgotten. Seeing if we still have something we want to last."

Hiei stroked Hikari's hand gently to show he was listening and with his other hand reached for a lock of her hair, tucking it behind her ear. Damn, she was so beautiful. Hiei cupped her face in his hands and pulled her head up gently to meet her eyes with his own. Her eyes were filled with love, and fear, and hurt, and hope. Then on impulse Hiei pressed his lips softly and quickly to Hikari's, moving away when she gasped in surprise.

"I think your idea is worth a shot. I don't think you should waste more time on me-"

"Hiei" Hikari cut in.

Putting up his finger to silence her Hiei finished with saying, "but I am glad you want to. I love you."

"I love you too." Hikari whispered, meeting Hiei's eyes on her own.

"What concerns me about your plan is what will happen to you in the mean time. This" Hiei said, tracing his fingers over Hikari's left arm and the marks he knew were hidden under the sleeve, "I can't stand by and watch it happen. I understand or at least I have guessed that for some reason doing that is giving you relief from something that is troubling you more than you can bear to face. I even have some guesses as to what that something is, BUT" Hiei continued, preempting Hikari's objection, "I think we can save the why for another time".

"I. . . don't know" Hikari replied, surprised to feel her body trembling.

"What else might help?" Hiei offered gently.

"I don't know".

"Running seemed to that one time" Hiei reminded her.

"Yea, I guess so."

"But?" Hiei prompted.

"I don't want to make a promise to stop and then break whatever fragile trust we do have when I fail."

Hiei didn't respond. The silence between them hung heavy in the air. Hikari felt she had to offer Hiei something but struggled to know what. Finally she said, "Let's play a game. We'll go back and forth admitting the things we both don't want to talk about, so those things are out in the open. Then if we find trust in each other again later we will have a place to begin. I'll start. I intentionally hurt myself to avoid feeling emotions and seeing things I cannot handle".

Seeing things? Hiei thought, but outwardly he only nod and offered, "I pretend I don't feel anything or care about anyone because it is easier that having people I care about."

And as if a dam was broken admonitions spilled out of both demons as if they had privately been yearning to voice their concerns out loud.

"I am afraid of getting close to other people because I don't know what I will do if I lose them" Hikari said.

"I am afraid of losing you" Hiei countered.

"I don't know how to move on from your betrayal at the end of our last time together."

"I can never forgive myself for what I and the Darkness Dragon did it you."

"I am afraid to sleep at night because of what I will see in my dreams."

"I have been consumed with loneliness my whole life, except the time I had with you as my mate."

"I don't care if I live or die, my life is meaningless".

"I don't think I am worth loving or living. Everyone who says otherwise is probably lying. My life is a mistake, my existence is forbidden" Hiei mumbled, fixing his eyes on the grey wall.

Hikari forced a sob away at Hiei's frank declaration and tried to speak, "I. . ." but her confession about the flashbacks got stuck in her throat. Everything else Hiei could have already known or guessed, but this she had hidden from everyone. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, in and out several times before saying "I starting cutting because I am haunted by the abuse of the torture at Demon City. I relive it again and again, Part of me believes I am still trapped there, and this here with you and Koenma and the team is the fiction in my head. I am afraid I will never be free."

Hiei couldn't help his sharp intake of breath. This had been her big secret and it was horrific for someone who had suffered so much to be enduring so much more. Out of things to say Hiei wrapped his arms around Hikari and pulled her into him, laying her head on his chest and ran his hands though her hair. She probably doesn't even realize she is shaking Hiei thought.

Awhile passed with the two demons tucked into each other on Hikari's bed. Kurama knocked on the door to Hikari's bedroom. When there was no response he hesitated before twisting the door knob and slipping inside. On the bed he saw Hikari and Hiei both sound asleep entangled in each other's arms. As silently as he came, Kurama left, deciding it was not worth waking them for a dinner that could always be reheated.

Hiei woke to a dark room and pained moans. After a moment he remembered where he was and realized it was Hikari who was moaning and crying? Her face was wet with tears. On past instinct Hiei wrapped his arms around Hikari, put his mouth near her ear and whispered, "Shhh. . . you are safe in the arms of one who loves you" and as an afterthought added a new line, "I am real". Hiei continued by making nonsensical soothing noises before repeating his message again. Hikari's body relaxed into him and quieted. Hiei lay with her in his arms and drifted back to sleep thinking, this is where we belong.

The next time Hiei woke it was again to something very close to his face. Lips kissed his nose playfully, then his forehead, then each of his eyes, and finally his mouth by which point he was awake enough to return her kiss. Rolling on top of Hikari, Hiei deepened their kiss with both gentleness and passion. When they parted to breathe Hiei moved his head to kiss down Hikari's neck and collar bone, feeling her body tense and excite at his touch. Hiei grinned happily in the knowledge that at least this sweet spot of Hikari's had stayed the same. Hikari's hands ran themselves up and down Hiei's back as she moaned in a very different way than she had in her nightmare. Hiei kept kissing Hikari's body until he got to her breasts, remembering what they had once looked like without clothing covering them. Hiei tempered his desire telling himself that clothing on was needful now, sex at this point would be empty in comparison to the love making they had once shared. Suddenly worried Hiei shot up and looked into Hikari's eyes saying, "I'm sorry, is this too fast? I guess I got carried away. . .it's been so long. . ."

Hikari grinned slyly, "Well I did say we should try to start over from the beginning right? If I recall correctly this is about how things were when we first met, during the fires of demon mating season".

Hiei felt himself brake out into his own grin at the memory. "Yes indeed."

A knock on Hikari's bedroom door made both Hiei and Hikari jump, disentangling themselves from each other as the door opened and Kurama popped his head in. Realizing what he had interrupted and their attempts to cover it up Kurama smiled broadly and said, "when you two are. . . ready. . . there is some food for you".

As if in reply Hikari's stomach growled loudly. Hikari and Hiei grinned at each other like children before calling the faces into more stoic expressions. "Thank you Kurama" Hikari said, suppressing a giggle, "We will be down soon, probably after a shower".

As Kurama's raised an eyebrow in her direction Hikari threw a pillow lamely at him, and blushed madly as she said, "Separately perv! Geeze!"

"Awww" Kurama and Hiei said at the same time, which only added heat to Hikari's blush.

"Get out you two pigs!" Hikari said with fake indignation. Kurama smiled as he closed the door behind him. Hiei stood up from the bed, gave Hikari one last peck on her cheek, and went to the door after Kurama. But before Hiei left the room completely he turned around and said, "You know Hikari, I think with all this warm weather we have been having you should keep your window unlocked, just in case you have a sudden passion for some fresh air".

Hikari buried her face in the nearest pillow to hide her blush, and Hiei simply winked before exiting the room, glad that Hikari realized the same thing he had - their rooms were in close enough proximity that the windows could be a useful discrete method of travel, and for Hiei, an opportunity to help Hikari ease out of her nightmares. He had never told her, but her presence brought peace to his own dreams. Another thing I will have to admit to her in this new honestly thing, Hiei thought, she is not the only one of us whose sleep is haunted by demons. With a bitter sweet smile Hiei opened and closed the door to his own room, there would be time yet, time enough for all.