A/N - I miss this story, and I am looking for more distractions in my life so I want to resume writing it. If any of my old readers have not give up on me, then please enjoy, new readers are welcome. I am in the process of editing some of the old chapters, mechanical stuff mostly. Thank you for your patience, my dyslexia does not affect my imagination and ideas, but it does have a certainly amount of sway over the clarity of how those ideas come across. Perhaps I will invest in a beta. Enjoy.
The rest of the day passed quietly. With no current mission from Koenma each member of the team was left to their own devices for the day. Once Hikari got her blushing under control she came back inside and dressed for her first day of training in awhile. Though she had been medically cleared by Yukina to start training before she had left on her search for Hiei, Hikari had had no time to do any. She craved the physical exertion to ground her mind. Her mind whirled with too many things she did not want to process and think about, so she threw herself into training. Dressed in a long sleeved black hoodie, and short black workout shorts, Hikari made her way to an area of the training ground that was less used by the others. She didn't want to be watched by the others, or told constantly that she needed to take it easy or to rest. Being babied was the last thing she needed right now. Instead she briefly stretched her tight muscles and took off at a run around her forested training course.
Shizuru and Keiko had gone into town for work, but both promised to come back later in the evening. Botan had smiled at everyone, hopped on her oar, and gone to escort those who passed on today to the spirit world. Kurama spent the day in his greenhouse, nursing his variety of demonic and venomous blooms. Kuwabara and Yusuke got into another wrestling match soon after breakfast, and went outside to settle the issue, which turned into their own training session together. Hearing their yells and exclamations from far off, Hikari shook her head and wondered, is the 'mine is bigger than yours' rivalry something that guys are born with, or are they just quick studies in self importance?
Hiei returned to his room and paced, allowing his concern and trepidation to finally have an outlet. He stressed about his relationship with Hikari and the best way to help her and to earn her forgiveness. Worrying and caring so much about one onna still scared him. Allowing himself to have love for anyone, except perhaps Kurama, was so against his nature that it made his insides squirm, and yet, yet this was Hikari. If there was anyone in the world he could love, it would be her. His thoughts settled on the woman he had come to cherish so deeply. How do I keep her talking to me instead of retreating when she has a flashback? I know we have to rebuild the trust that we broken, but she needs to be able to trust me NOW if I am going to be able to help her.
Hiei sighed and settled himself on his window seat in his room, looking out over the yard, and sharpening his senses to keep an eye on Hikari's training. The more he watched, the more his concern rose. She's working too hard, she is tiring herself out too much, Hiei raged, and jumped to his feet to put an end to her training. But just as quickly as his rage came, he forced himself to pour a bucket of cold water over it. If I treat her like a child, it would cause her to resent my interference just as surely as it would if she acted so towards me. I cannot control her life, and cannot control her trust. All I can do is show her that she can depend on me, and try to deal with my own demons so I don't hurt her again.
Hikari ran until her hips began to complain about their continuous over rotation. She had not measured the distance of her run, but at her current pace, she had probably ran around 20 miles in the last few hours. After ascending a particularly tall hill, she slowed her pace to a walk, and then stopped altogether to lean against a tree. Her legs would be feeling this run tomorrow for sure.
Her pause in running was just enough that the exercise no longer distracted her from melting pot of thoughts boiling in her head. She was so angry at herself for not being able to control the flashbacks, angry that her way of control through self-harm had been found out, and angry that she had been so weak as to use such a method in the first place. I have Hiei now Hikari told herself, but right after the thought she felt loathing bubble up inside of her at the idea that she of all people had to be dependent upon another. Trust is for the weak, that is what I have always believed. Am I so weak as to need to trust someone?! I am supposed to be the strong one. Hiei has his own deep struggles, I should be helping HIM, and not be constantly on the edge of falling apart.
Hikari reached for her belt knife almost instinctually. When she realized what she was doing she froze, the blade suspended in her hands. Just a few marks, and this turmoil of emotions will subside, and I will be in control again. She pulled up the sleeve of her hoodie, and pressed the silver to her left arm. NO! I cannot restart my relationship with Hiei like this. I cannot rebuild trust if I am already trying to hide things from him. She sat there for a long time, blade in hand, shaking with indecision, nausea clawing at her stomach, and bile rising to her throat. After what felt like hours she found the courage to roll down her sleeve again, and put the belt knife back in its sheath. With her head spinning she closed her eyes and let the darkness of exhaustion take her.
To find calm and focus, Hiei had retreated into a meditative state for most of the afternoon, sending threads of his awareness out around him, noticing everything but focusing on nothing. Around 4pm he was startled out of this state by a knock on his bedroom door. Dragging his mind back to the present, he moved his body out of his seiza position and opened his door to Hikari standing there, eyes fixed upon the floor in front of her. Curious and slightly concerned, Hiei gestured for his onna to enter. He settled himself on his window seat, but instead of looking out the window, he kept his focus in the room, trying to show his mate that she had his full attention, without making her feel nervous. Whatever she wanted to say was weighing heavily on her mind.
After a few minutes, Hikari swallowed her fear and spoke, "I have been doing some thinking today, regardless of how I tried to avoid doing so. I don't want to be your mate in the state that I am, I am far too weak – I cannot be strong and I have little support to offer you. If things stay as they are, I feel like any relationship we have will center around my issues and needs, while you are left to deal with yours alone. I don't want that. I get that I am not the only one who has been broken here, and I don't want to burden you with my. . . my shit when you have already more than your fair share to deal with. Maybe after I get things sorted, we can try again or. . ." Hikari's voice faded off, not knowing what else to say.
Hiei remained silent for a while and then said with as much kindness as he possessed, "Can you get things 'sorted' on your own? Your mind betrays that today was hard for you, and I don't think that difficulty will resolve itself with time alone. Dealing with things on your own, how long would it take for you to return negative solutions and shut me out? Can postponing the emotions you don't want to face bring you healing?"
"I. . . I don't know. I guess I will find out. But it is not right for me to be so needy. If I can't get things worked out, then I am not worthy of our relationship, I am not worthy of you."
Hiei fought both to smile and to roll his eyes at his beautiful baka of an onna, but restrained himself, knowing that not long ago he had struggled with the same emotions. Instead he settled on saying, "Many years ago, when Kurama and I were first forging a friendship we were both suffering from the baggage our previous lives had given us to carry. In my shame of my perceived weakness, I tried to reject Kurama's friendship. Somehow the stupid fox figured out what I was up to and told me simply, 'Sometimes we give and receive comfort, at the same time'. I don't think I really understood him until now."
"I don't understand."
Hiei took a deep breath of his own, fighting against his aversion to expressing emotional things, and his dislike of extended conversation. This conversation was more important that his social ineptitude. If he wasn't careful, he would lose his mate tonight.
Hiei thought about asking Hikari leading questions to get his point across, but decided he didn't want to leave room for misunderstanding and took a direct approach. "Last night" he began, "when we were admitting, as you called it, the things we didn't want to talk about, but would need to talk about eventually in our relationship, there was sort of a trend in my ummm, comments. The darkness that I face has to do with the abandonment I endured as a child, and my resulting certainty that I cannot be loved. One who cannot be loved has no worth. What I did to hurt you in a way confirmed my perception that no one should love me, that my life is not worth such kindness."
Hikari's heart broke at her mates words, and before she could think better of it, she has crossed the room and put her arms around him, resting his head on her chest. Hiei allowed himself a moment of indulgence, basking in her calming scent, her tenderness, her beauty, and the feeling of safety he felt around her before continuing. His onna was incredible.
"I think I understand the feelings you have expressed tonight" Hiei said, moving his head enough to look into Hikari's beautiful blue-grey eyes. "What I think might make a difference in your feelings is your understanding that helping you in turn helps me. If you let me in, and let me support you, you will be showing me that my fears and concerns are flawed, that though I am not worthy, there is someone who can love me, and if she is brave enough to love me, I might be able to be brave enough to love her back."
Hikari opened her mouth in what Hiei knew was some sort of objection and pressed on before she could voice it, "I don't think the demons you face now with triumph over you forever, I believe in your strength to conquer all opponents who stand in your way. No, I do not expect you to conquer them right away, neither of us know how you could do that. I do not think you will be free from slip-ups, but I think you will win in the end. Your ordeal in the woods today shows that you had an interest in trying to fight it, at least in that moment."
Hiei shifted himself to be holding Hikari instead, giving her time to think over what he had said, and taking a moment to not be talking. He had fought his natural resistance to talking about personal things tonight, but it had not been easy or particularly pleasant, just necessary. He marveled about how his love for the woman in his arms had begun to change him.
Hikari pulled her knees into her chest and rested her head on top of them. If Hiei had been so open and forthcoming, she owed him the same. She knew how hard this conversation must be for him to be having.
"I am afraid" Hikari said, swallowing audibly in her suddenly dry mouth. "I want what you have said to be true, but as you have also said, I have no idea how to conquer these flashbacks, I have only succeeded in finding ways to run away from them, and those ways are not particularly health either I suppose" Hikari continued, unaware that she was rubbing her left arm. "I appreciate your support and confidence in me, but I don't know if I can win this fight, and I can't stand the thought of hurting you if I lose."
There was another period of silence as Hiei tried to genuinely consider Hikari's fear. "I think I would be hurt most by secret keeping, by you being in pain and not telling me. But I don't want to make you feel suffocated by my concern, or overwhelmingly guilty when you slip. I think one of the reasons this is so hard is because you keep it such a dark secret. I don't think you realize that I, and probably the others too, think it is completely understandable that going through such abuse and torture as you did would have some lasting effects."
Hiei laced his hand in Hikari's, gentle stroking her thumb with his. "What if you report to me every night about how things had gone during the day, with the understanding that I will understand there will be days you will report that you stumbled. I promise to not take those days personally."
"I would be so ashamed" Hikari responded, failing to keep a small quiver out of her voice.
"Maybe at first, maybe for awhile. The hope would be that if we keep your struggles from being a dark secret, the days you need to depend upon hurting yourself will get less, as you learn that I and the others are here to support you. Maybe your flashbacks will never go away, that is a risk I am willing to take in our relationship. If you were whole and perfect, I don't think we would be matched well as mates. We are matched well because we both know profound suffering."
This last was too much for Hikari, and she collapsed into heart broken sobs. Hiei rubbed her back as she cried herself out. He did not know exactly what Hikari was feeling, but he understood she was overwhelmed and let her cry.
Hikari wanted to cry, to cut, to run, and to be held in Hiei's arms forever all at the same time. The weight of her sobs and her emotions wore out her tired body, and she drifted off to sleep, still in Hiei's arms. Hiei closed his own eyes, allowing himself to sink into his own sleep-like meditative state. A hour passed before Hikari stirred in Hiei's arms, and when he opened his eyes, his crimson eyes were met by the blurry blue-grey of his mate's eyes.
"I'll try" Hikari whispered, her voice raw from crying. "I don't know what will happen, but I know I want to try."