Misery Business

Written by: Spirit-the-Titan

Fandom: South Park

Pairings: Stan/Wendy, eventual Stan/Kyle

September 14

(Kenny's POV)

It was Sunday evening, and Kyle and I had been hanging out. We were walking down the sidewalk to his house, since I had been invited over for dinner, when he asked of me a huge favor.

"You want me to what?" I asked, shocked. He looked angry for having to say it again, as a bright blush formed across his nose.

"I want you to ask Stan if he has feelings for me!" he grumbled, hands shoved into his coat pockets. "You know, hypothetically. And not directly, either. You guys have Home Room together, right?"

"Well, yeah…"

"That's perfect! You can talk to him about stuff, making up questions and anything he says that seems remotely close to a confession, let me know."

"How the hell am I supposed to pull this off?"

"You'll think of something, you're clever." I sighed deeply.

"Kyle, you're making a huge mistake," I told him sternly, and he frowned.

"Why? You think I should go about it another way? I know! I could write him love letters from an anonymous person and—"

I stepped in front of him by this point, stopping him by forcefully placing my hands on his shoulders. I stared down at him… which was a little hard to do, with him being two inches taller than me.

"I mean you're making a huge mistake by continuing to pursue him. What ever happened to you not having feelings for him anymore?" He looked away and blushed.

"You know how persistent I can be…" he mumbled. I rolled my eyes and removed my hands from his shoulders. "Come on Kenny, you're the only one who knows about any of this… Either bear with me, or help me out any way you can."

"Fine. But if this all blows up in your face, you can't blame me at all."

That was Sunday, and now it's Thursday morning, and I'm sitting in Algebra II—Home Room—with Stan. I had thought all week about what sorts of things I could talk to him about to help Kyle, but I've been coming up short. How the hell am I supposed to do this?

"Dude, knock it off, you're distracting me," Stan says quietly, bringing my attention back to reality. I had been tapping my foot and drumming my fingers on my desk rather loudly as I thought. We are currently in study groups, and I am the only one in ours that isn't pulling his weight. Which was typical, but I usually at least tried to look like I was helping.

"Er, sorry," I say, and then I have an idea. I immediately scoot my chair closer to Stan's. "So I have a question." He looks at me, a little irritated. I guess he really is trying to work, even though no one else in class seems to be.

"What, Kenny," he says flatly, and I grin widely.

"You and Wendy… What's the deal there, dude?" He grumbles.

"We're dating, Kenny. You know that. Come on, I'm trying to finish my homework so I don't have to do it this weekend," he pleas, but I don't care. I would rather get some sort of answers for Kyle so I don't have to hear him bitch about this anymore.

"Yeah, but why?" He sighs and puts his head into his hands, clearly annoyed. "I mean, she's hot, but I heard she's a whore."

"You got that from Kyle," he accuses, suddenly interested. I shake my head to correct him.

"No dude, that's word on the street. I've heard some guys claim they've slept with her," I tell him, and he looks angry.

"That's impossible, Kenny! Stop telling me lies. Why are you asking me all these questions?"

"You haven't answered me." He glares at me. "Why are you dating her?"

"Because I care about her, duh," he sighs. "That, and I didn't want to spend my senior year alone. With all the time we spent together over the summer, I felt like she could, you know, help with that."

"You spent a lot of time with Kyle, too," I almost say, but catch my tongue just in time. Can't go spoiling everything now.

"Dude, Wendy's the only person you've ever dated. You should have at least picked someone new to spend you senior year with," I tell him. "But you're so lame, she's probably the only person you've ever had a crush on." I watch him furrow his brow and hide a blush.

"That's not true, I've liked others," he argues, and I smile.

"Then maybe you should dump Wendy and pursue one of them! You really need to live it up, Stan. It's more exciting with someone new! Trust me," I say slyly, and wink.

"I'm not going to dump Wendy, you idiot. Things are so different this time… We're a lot more physical than we ever were before, and I think that maybe…" He trails off, but I can put the pieces together.

"You think she'll let you fuck her?" I offer casually, and he nearly shits himself.

"Dude!" he yells, blushing furiously. I seem to have struck a nerve.

"Really? I'm right?" I ask ecstatically. I may be getting side-tracked from my goal here…

"Well, yeah… I would like to lose my virginity before we graduate, you know." At this, I lunge in his face.

"Stan, you are going to screw yourself over if you fuck Wendy," I say sternly, and he looks frightened.

"W-what? Why?"

"If you fuck the only girl you've ever dated, you're going to wind up marrying her! Probably right out of high school! It will be horrible!" Now he looks skeptical.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing…"

"It's a tragedy! You being my friend, I will NOT settle for you to sleep with only one woman in your life! Did you ever listen to Chef when we were little? If he heard you now, he would slap you right in your face!"

"Come on Kenny, I think you're missing the point—"

"Dude, you have to dump Wendy! If you want to lose your virginity before we get out of here, I can set you up with plenty of babes that will help you with that!"

"I'm not going to have sex with random sluts, Kenny!" he says, pushing me back into my seat and out of his face. "What Wendy and I have is special, and I'm not going to throw it away for meaningless sex!"

"God Stan, you're such a pussy," I tell him, lightly slamming my face against my desk. I begin to think of easy girls to set Stan up with, when Kyle pops into mind. What was I supposed to do for him again?

The bell rings for break before I can remember.

(Stan's POV)

"Kyle!" He turns around upon hearing my voice, and smiles, making his way through the crowded hall to my side.

"Hey, dude," he says dully as he readjusts his backpack.

"What's wrong? Daniels give you a hard time for spacing out again?" I inquire, and he scowls.

"He's such a bastard! He always picks on me! I don't know why I have such a hard time focusing in that class…"

Kyle continues to complain about the Economy teacher we share as we walk through the halls, and finally stops talking when we reach the cafeteria. He looks at me, puzzled.

"What're you still doing here? Aren't you going to meet Wendy?" he asks, and I shake my head.

"Not today, she has Debate." He immediately lights up.

"Sweet! I don't even remember the last time we got to spend lunch together! How often does she have it?"

"Eh, I'm not sure. It's kind of random…" I say with a shrug.

"Well that's annoying. Oh well, I guess it will always be a surprise. Come on, let's find a table," he says, and I follow him to the first available table. We sit down and chat about nothing in particular as we eat, until I realize that something is bothering me… And I'm pretty sure it's Kenny's fault.

"Um, Kyle…?" He looks up from his sandwich with a slightly worried expression, probably because of the tone of my voice.

"Yeah?"

I look away and fidget a bit, trying to stall. I don't know what I'm so nervous about… He moves towards me, probably concerned that something is wrong. I should relieve his worry.

"I've been meaning to ask you since the Labor Day trip… why you think Wendy is a whore," I finally say, and he lets out a long sigh. Was he holding his breath?

"Well, I dunno… It's just rumors I've heard. Bebe is her best friend, after all, and we all know how she is. I guess it's just logical to think that Wendy is the same way."

"Yeah…" I say quietly. "That's funny what you said about the rumors though, Kenny said the same thing. Where did you hear them?" He looks a bit nervous at my asking. What's this all about?

"You know… Kids in class say stuff like that, and it's all just overheard conversation, really." I frown at this.

"You're lying," I say accusingly. He looks away with a guilty face.

"Okay fine, I say those things. But not anymore, not since you hit me…" he admits, and I sigh. The memory of him on the ground with that look of disbelief flashes briefly through my mind, and I bite my lip.

"Well I want you to know she's a virgin, Kyle. She hasn't screwed around with anyone else." I cross my arms and slump over the table, and he stares sadly at his food.

"I'm sorry I was saying that stuff," he says, and on instinct I place a hand on his shoulder.

"It's whatever, I guess. People can think what they want." There is another moment of silence as he pokes at his sandwich, and I stare blankly at the table. My head is full of the chatter of students all around us, and all I can think about is what Kenny said…

"Do you think I should break up with her?" Kyle looks up at me, a look of surprise on his face. I turn to face him; he hasn't answered. "You can answer that, you know."

"Of course I think you should. That's a silly question to ask me." I should have expected that.

"But, why?" The same look of surprise has returned to his face, this time accompanied by a blush.

"…I have my reasons," he says finally. "The first one being she sucks up all your spare time, and it would be nice to spend as much time together during our last year here." I think about this, and silently agree.

"Kenny thinks I should break up with her, too." I have his full attention with this, and he looks at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Why does he think so?" I sigh and stuff my hands in my pockets.

"He said that if I sleep with the only girl I've ever dated, I will end up marrying her," I tell him, though it seems to have been at the wrong moment, because he suddenly inhales the water he was drinking and begins choking on it. "Shit! Are you okay?"

"Sleep with her?" he exclaims when he is finally able to talk. "Who the fuck said anything about sex!"

"Why is everyone reacting this way about it?" I say exasperatedly. "Of course I want to have sex with her!" This may have been the wrong thing to say to Kyle, however, because he suddenly has a murderous look in his eyes. He stands slowly from his seat, and turns to the doors.

"I'll be right back. I have to find Kenny…" he says darkly, and leaves.

"Kyle, wait! What about our time together…?" I yell after him, but it's no use; he's already gone. With a heavy sigh, I shove my face into my hands and think over why on earth Kyle would be so angry at Kenny. Things are starting to get fishy…

(Cartman's POV)

Fucking debate class. This whole class-during-lunch is such bull crap, it's not even funny. And since it's random, I didn't pack a lunch today, planning on buying from the cafeteria. I'm fucking starving, and the teacher isn't even here yet. I should just ditch—no one will ever know I'm gone. Except maybe—

"Hey Cartman."

Wendy. Ugh…

"Hey, Ho," I reply, annoyed. She sits next to me, and I glance over at her. "What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you sitting here? Shouldn't you be in the front, since you're so into this hippie shit?"

"Well I could go sit up front, next to people I don't know, and not share my lunch with you…" she trails off, and my stomach growls on cue. God damn it…

"Fine," I grumble. "You can stay… But I don't need your pity, woman. I'm going to ditch and go buy food. Just tell the teacher that I'm absent today."

"I'm not going to lie for you, Cartman," she says crossly. "You're in here for punishment, aren't you?" I glare at her.

Rather than reply to her guilt trips, I cross my arms and stare daggers into the white board. She sighs and turns to rifle through her bag, and throws something onto my desk—a bag of chips. I glare at her again.

"Why the hell are you being so nice to me if you hate me?" I ask as I open the bag. She sighs again.

"Trust me, I'm not being nice to you. I'm doing this for my own good. I don't like being in class with people I don't know, and I figure if I want to get out of here with my sanity intact I ought to feed you. You're probably even more of an ass when you're hungry."

I shove a chip into my mouth and chew loudly. I can tell it's getting on her nerves, and I grin to myself.

"You're such a bitch."

She grins, and flips me off.

(Kenny's POV)

I have learned to seriously hate Tuesdays and Thursdays—the band likes to practice for two hours after school before they let us go home. It's not terrible that I don't get to go home right away; I mean, who wants to rush home to a broken family? But it always sucks to have your free time sucked up.

Today's practice seemed particularly demanding, since we have our first show coming up. Because of these demanding practices lately, I have yet to pick out my first date. This is going to set me back big time…

As practice ends, the band gathers around the director for the obligatory end-of-practice speech. I tune it out, staring at the sky, when a cute brunette catches my eye… and she's holding a color guard flag. I side step over to her, making sure to puff out my chest to emphasize the snare drum hanging from my shoulders.

"Nice flag," I say, and she looks over at me and smiles. I smile back.

"Nice drum," she replies, and I pat it proudly.

"Thanks. I just started this year, but I think I'm catching on real quick. Besides, I'm quite a talent when it comes to banging things," I add slyly, hoping she doesn't pick up on the dirty joke. She giggles.

"My name's Amy," she says. I hold out my hand and smile.

"Kenny." She gingerly shakes my hand, and smiles shyly.

"What inclined you to join?" she asks, but before I can answer the director has ended the speech—the signal that we all get to go home.

"Looks like we'll have to finish this conversation another time. God a phone number?" I ask, and she quickly pulls her phone out of her pocket. We exchange numbers, and after a brief good-bye, we go our separate ways.

Once she's out of eyeshot, I pull my phone out again and begin a text message.

got plans Sat nite?

Within a minute, my phone is buzzing in my pocket.

Amy: i do now :)

Score.

(Kyle's POV)

It's about five o'clock, and Stan, Cartman and I are in my living room playing video games. We're in the middle of a very heated round of Halo when there is a pounding on the door. Too involved in our game, I yell for someone else to get it.

"Ike! Get the door!"

No response.

"Ike, you little bastard! Get the door!"

"Kyle! You watch your mouth, young man, and don't talk to your brother that way!" my mother scolds as she crosses the room. She opens the door. "Well hello, Kenny. The boys are in here playing video games."

"Thanks Mrs. Broflovski," I hear Kenny say, and then suddenly he was in the room, bouncing around frantically.

"Dude, what the hell! Calm down," Stan says, not once looking away from the TV screen.

"Fuck that! You guys, I need to borrow one of your cars on Saturday!" he exclaims, and we all frown.

"Kenny, there is no way in hell I am ever letting you touch my awesome Mustang," Cartman says immediately, smashing all hopes that Kenny could ever drive his car. "You'll probably pawn it off somewhere for big bucks."

"Your car is worth crap, Fat Ass! It's just stock, it's nothing special!" I say, and he knees me in the back.

"Shut up you Jew asshole! At least mine is a decent looking car and not a piece of shit!"

"I don't care what the car looks like you guys, I just need one!" Kenny insists, still hopping around the room as if he were about to pee his pants. "What about you Stan?"

"Uhh, no can do, dude. I have a date with Wendy on Saturday, and I kind of need it." Kenny and I both scowl at this.

"Damn it! Kyle…?" I glance up at him for a moment; he's looking at me with eyes that read 'you owe me this!'. Man, I knew he was going to pull this crap. I let out a sigh and give in silently.

"Fine. You can borrow my car." He bounces up and down with glee.

"YES! I love you, man!" he exclaims, and dives onto me to give me a hug. "You probably just got me laid this weekend!"

"What! Weak, dude!" I say as I push him off of me. I catch Stan glancing over at us, an odd look on his face. But my attention is quickly drawn back to Kenny, who is still losing his mind.

"That's not weak, that's awesome! Don't you remember how I said I was going to try and sleep with as many girls as I could before we graduate? I just got a date with my first one! This is awesome! I should make some sort of tally—"

"Whatever, just don't have sex in my car! That's totally gross!" I demand, and he gives me a wry smile.

"No promises~!" I roll my eyes at this. Since the game was shot to hell when Kenny showed up, I decide I might as well take the time to show him how to drive it—it is a stick shift, after all—and also ask him about the things he talked to Stan about this morning.

"Come on then, let me show you how it works," I tell him as I grab my keys off the kitchen table.

He excitedly follows me to the garage, and once I've opened the garage door and we're both in the car, my mood changes.

"What the hell happened this morning?" I inquire angrily. He's taken aback by my mood swing.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, genuinely confused.

"You talked to Stan finally, didn't you?"

"Oh, about that…" he begins. "I haven't been sure what to ask him or talk to him about all week, so I finally just asked him why he's with Wendy. I figured knowing why he chose to be with her might help you in some way."

"Okay, that's fine and all, but why would he tell me that you said she was a whore?"

"Because I said that's what I've heard! And I have heard it, I wasn't lying." All the blood leaves my face.

"Oh crap…"

"What's wrong?" he asks, and I can feel my palms getting clammy.

"I started those rumors at the beginning of the school year… I didn't know they would spread so quickly!" Kenny is silent for a moment, and then starts to laugh.

"Don't worry about it! The people I heard it from aren't very credible. I don't think they'll spread much farther." I sigh in relief.

"But besides that, he also said something about you telling him that he shouldn't sleep with just one girl. Why would you tell him anything about sleeping with girls?" I raise my voice, and he scrunches his face in guilt.

"Sorry dude, I think I got side-tracked in my mission. When he started talking about having sex with Wendy, I went into Kenny-mode and tried to persuade him to dump her and pursue other crushes he's had. I won't let any of my friends sleep with just one woman in their lives!"

"Other… crushes?" I repeat, and I feel my heart kick into overdrive.

"Yeah, I asked him if he's ever liked anyone other than Wendy, and he said he has," he informs me, and my heart beats faster.

"Kenny… Do you know what this means?" I mutter, and Kenny looks at me oddly.

"No, what?"

"Stan is my best friend… He tells me everything… He's told me about every time he's ever liked Wendy in the past, but he's never mentioned ever liking anyone else… I'm sure he would, if he did…"

"What are you getting at?" Kenny says dryly, already knowing where I'm going with my ramble.

"If Stan has liked someone other than Wendy, but has never told me about them, then… it could be me…" I feel numb all over from admitting it out loud. My mind is racing trying to figure out what to do next with this information.

"Kyle, no. You're jumping to conclusions again. What if they're just little, insignificant crushes? I'm sure he wouldn't bother telling you about those, they're silly. Or what if, because he's a horny teenage boy, he has had recent crushes on hot girls on campus while he's been with Wendy? And he hasn't been able to tell you about them because you guys hardly see each other?" he explains, but I'm not hearing it. When he realizes this, he grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. "Kyle, he told me today that he chose Wendy because he cares about her, and he thinks he'll get to have sex with her. He wants to lose his virginity before we graduate. I know you think you're right, but I don't want you to act on what I've told you. Whether you're wrong or right, you can't cheat a guy out of his first time."

"But… It's not fair…" I mutter, and lean back into the car seat. "How am I supposed to go back in there and face them, knowing what I do? He's going to know something's up…"

"Then just put on your best mask. You can't give him a reason to get suspicious, because then you'll just spill the beans."

"Yeah, you're right… Thanks, Kenny," I tell him quietly, as I try to get all my sulking out now. He smiles brightly at me.

"No problem, dude. Now, show me how to drive this thing. I heard stick shift is a toughie."