Chapter 10
.
December 27th, 8:37pm
.
Bridget is in her room, has locked the door, holding unto her second container of sleeping pills. Her mother is sleeping in another room. Marissa continues to narrate, seemingly unseen by her sister.
.
Marissa: Ever hear the expression "Do as I say, not as I do." It's what parents tell their kids when they don't want them to make the same mistakes as them. It usually doesn't work, kids learn by example, and suicide is contagious. I honestly didn't want Bridget to kill herself, but I can't exactly tell her that now...
Bridget: Marissa?
Marissa: Bridget? You can see me?
Bridget: Yeah, you're here, and talking to the wall. How are you here now?
Marissa: I don't know, this part's never happened before.
Bridget: What's going on?
Marissa: Well after I died...
Bridget: You mean after you blew your brains out on the beach just outside our house?
Marissa: Yeah, after that. Anyway I had to see my life all over again.
Bridget: Your whole life?
Marissa: No, more like the last six months. Starting when I found out I was pregnant, had the abortion, leading up to my suicide. And then continuing to see you and mom's pain, leading up to your suicide. That is what you were about to do isn't it.
Bridget: What if it was?
Marissa: That's where it ends. Then it goes back to my suicide, then back to February, leading all the way up to 12:34am and 56 seconds. After awhile I started narrating the story like Rod Serling. I actually got pretty good at it. Incidentally, swallowing those pills will not just make you go to sleep forever. You get to shake uncontrollably and vomit a little first.
Bridget: Well there's no longer a gun in the house, for obvious reasons.
Marissa: Yeah, I guess I did screw you a little on that one.
Bridget: So you've seen me commit suicide, how many times?
Marissa: I've lost count. Definitely in triple digits. Anyone who says it's been four digits will not be accused of crazy talk.
Bridget: Did you ever try to stop me?
Marissa: Ofcourse I did. I begged you not to do it, pleaded, I even threatened you, you just never seemed to hear me. I think I'm in Hell.
Bridget: You always said you didn't believe in Hell, Heaven, reincarnation, or God.
Marissa: Well clearly I was at least partially wrong.
Bridget: So what's Hell like?
Marissa: It's not fire and brimstone or physical torture, maybe that's reserved for nazies and slave traders.
Bridget: So you don't have to live with the pain of ALS, you won.
Marissa: I also don't get to swim in the ocean, don't get to dip my french fries in gravy, I don't even get to feel the ocean breeze. I do get to see brief glimpses of Dodger's games, but I already know the outcome. And I have to live, so to speak, with the pain that I caused all of you.
Bridget: So if I swallow these pills, do I have to be alone and see mom's pain?
Marissa: Maybe, I don't know all the rules. Maybe, I'm suppossed to stop you from killing yourself, save you and redeem myself.
Bridget: Did you have someone trying to stop you from killing yourself?
Marissa: Not a ghost, but the signs were there, literally.
Bridget: You mean those signs at school about the suicide helpline?
Marissa: Yeah. I could have sought help, mom always said we could talk to her about anything.
Bridget: I just don't get why I apparently get a ghost to warn me, but apparently Amy didn't get help. Why didn't some ghost try to talk you out of suicide, or out of aborting your child?
Marissa: Like I said, I don't know all the rules.
Bridget: I wonder, am I suppossed to find a cure for cancer, or prevent some terrorist attack? Why am I so important as to warrant a ghost?
Marissa: Does everything have to be earth shattering? Can't you just accept the fact that your life is precious? Even the damned can love, and I will always love you.
Bridget: I love you too, never stopped. But I am still a little angry at you for leaving me.
Marissa: I deserve that.
Bridget: It's just hard, you know?
Marissa: I know, believe me I know. You just want the pain over, and you delude yourself into thinking that death is the end.
Bridget: That your death might bring pain to mom, but you won't be around to see it.
Marissa: My guess is that you will have to see it. You'll have to live with the same emotional pain. Take my word for it, it sucks.
Bridget: I'll talk to mom, let her know, what I was planning. Are you still going to be around?
Marissa: I hope so, but I can't make any guarantee.
Bridget: I can't make any guarantee either, but I'm going to try.
Marissa: That's a;; any of us can do. Good luck.
Bridget: You too.
.
Bridget went to speak with her mother. They had a long talk, which included them flushing the sleeping pills down the toilet. Marissa continues her narration in private.
.
Marissa: It's past midnight now, almost 12:34 and 56 seconds. I don't really know what's going to happen to me now. Am I Bridget's guardian angel now? Or do I move on to whatever comes next? I got to make amends with Bridget, do I still have to make amends to mom, to my baby? I guess I'll find out. This seems like as good a place as any to end the story. I know that mom and Bridget still have a way to go. But for now at least my sister is alive. And where there's life, there's hope.
.
As Marissa finished her narration she heard a little girl's voice say "Mommy?' Marissa knew she had to make amends to her child, somehow. Whether this would eventually get her into a more pleasant afterlife remained to be seen. But for now, she was determined to make amends.