A/N: Jeeze, I think this story is seriously becoming my life. Your guys reviews just make me want to ignore my life, my school, my boyfriend, just so I can keep writing! I can't keep the chapters coming out fast enough. When I'm not writing this story, I'm doodling on a piece of paper what I want to happen next in it. This chapter was a little difficult for me to write. I wanted to show both Bella and Jacob's POV's for the whole chapter, but it would have been too repetitive to repeat, so I picked the most important parts.

I hope you enjoy, sweethearts.

BTW, there's a song that I think goes very well with Jacob's POV. I dunno if you guys are interested, but it should be on youtube. It's called "Harder Than You Know" by Escape The Fate.

Chapter 8 – Despair

Bella's POV

I don't know what I was doing. I don't know what was happening. Just two months ago, I had prayed for Edward and his family to come back. I would have given anything to become a vampire. I would have left my world behind; my father, Renee, Jacob… What the hell had happened?

As I was standing on the porch, surrounded in heat and the smell of musky earth, I found I longed for this. I wanted to feel warm when I was cradled. I wanted to kiss my boyfriend and feel the passion spark between us, rather than have it bottled away in fear of my death. I wanted everything that Jacob stood for and that crushed me. I couldn't let this happen. Edward and I had been through way too much for me to break it all apart.

This is what had me in tears, making me show such vulnerability in front of my best friend. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn't notice he had picked me up and carried me into his house until he set me on the couch. I looked up at him and was dazzled with his intense brown eyes.

I was mental. Possibly insane, crazy, off my rocker. I was emotional, and devastated. I was in love-

NO! I was NOT in love with my Jacob, my best friend. I was in love with Edward! What was I thinking? I felt my breath catch in my chest and I lowered my head into my hands, unable to handle the fighting in my mind. I shook my head as I felt Jake's hand run up and down my back. I felt the little tingles of enjoyment running down my back and it nearly made me cry harder.

I couldn't let Edward go… Not after he and his family had relocated back to Forks once more. I couldn't lose him. And Alice, Esme… I didn't know what my life would be like without Alice's smile to brighten my day. Without her dragging me out of the house so I could pretend I had girly days. I ran my hand through my hair and finally controlled my tears, looking up at Jake.

I could see my pain reflected on his face. He was so empathetic with me. His thumb came up and brushed against my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. My body was betraying me, every step of the way. I wanted so badly to just give in and fall into Jacob's arms. To ask him to keep me here with him, for the rest of my life. I never wanted to face the Cullen's again. I didn't know if I could ever face Edward.

"Bells, you shouldn't be here," Jake said then, and I felt my heart cave a little.

"Jacob, I need to talk to you… I can't handle not having you as my best friend-"

"But you can't stand not having that leech- Edward as your boyfriend. You made your choice, Bells. There's consequences to our every action," he said and I looked at him as if I'd been slapped.

"You… You don't want to see me, at all?" I asked, knowing I sounded pathetic. He averted his eyes.

"I thought that's what I was saying when I didn't return your calls," he said. I felt the air whoosh from my lungs. What the hell was this? Why was my life turning into chaos? When Edward was gone, I couldn't be with Jake, romantically. Now, I thought-…

I still can't be with him romantically. I'm with Edward. Only Edward. I found this crushing down on my lungs more than the thought of Jacob not wanting to see me. I took in a deep breath and glanced around the living room. I sniffed once before I nodded, making my choice then. I would go home and figure out exactly what I wanted. Then, once I'd figured it out, my emotions, I would push something on Jacob then.

He was looking at me again, but I couldn't meet his eyes. I didn't want to see what was there. I didn't want to deal with my emotions here, at his house. I wiped the remaining tears off my face and got to my feet from the couch. Jake was right behind me as I walked to the door.

"Bells, please-"

"Please what, Jake? I don't have much of a choice here, do I? I'm getting backed into a corner by my vampire boyfriend and werewolf best friend!" I yelled, turning to face him. He kept walking to me until he was centimeters from me. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away.

Don't do this, Jake, please. I finally found the strength to get off your couch…

He looked as if he wanted to argue, as if he wanted to grab me and pull me into his arms again. He opened his mouth and I held my breath, waiting for his words. My very existence seemed to hang on him.

After another moment, he shook his head and backed away, making my hand drop to my side. He held up his hands and then turned and walked into the house, closing the door behind him. I felt my heart shatter all over. It was as if I was left in that deep dark forest all over again, when Edward left. I couldn't breathe, but instead of falling apart on his porch, I turned and ran to my truck. I could feel the tears coming, and I didn't want this to turn out like the forest, except on Jake's front porch.

I started the truck and threw it into gear, the tears already slipping down my cheeks. I looked behind me, backed out and then sped off towards the road back home. I inhaled and felt like tiny needles were slipping down into my stomach. I leaned my head back onto my headrest and tried to keep myself under control. Edward was back and Jake hated me. He hated me because I brought him back in the first place. In theory, I understood why he was acting like this. But in reality, I couldn't make it make sense.

I was going home. Back to Edward.

Jake's POV

I shut the door and paused for a moment. I went to the window and peered through the curtain. Bella was already gone. I saw her in her truck. She sped off and I collapsed into the couch, raking my hands through my hair.

"Jesus fucking Christ," I whispered, feeling like my lungs had collapsed. Seeing Bella again had brought back so many feelings I didn't want to feel any more. I had brought her into my house, cradling her in my arms while she cried. I breathed her in, wanting to carry her to my bedroom. I had been turning that way before I realized what I was doing. I stopped and took her to the couch, setting her down.

She had been crying. I had felt like tearing myself apart. What was making her like this? Bella never cried in front of me before. Now, when her leech lover was back, she had no reason to cry. I couldn't resist touching her. My hand had slid up and down her back. It was then that I realized she had reeled me right back in again.

I had finally found the place inside me where I was comfortable enough to let Bella go, and she had destroyed it with one glance. I fell right back into her lap, putty in her hands. I couldn't let her have this effect on me anymore. I had pulled my hand away at that moment and watched as she pushed her hair out of her face. I couldn't help myself again. I reached up and touched her cheek, knowing what I had to do. It would break us both apart.

I had to push her away.

So now, she was running home. Running back to that leech, who seemed to have lost control of himself on her neck. I felt tears well in my eyes as I rested my head on the couch. I was sending her back to become a vampire. I was sending her to her death. But she had already sent me to mine. Eventually, if I let her keep coming back, she would drag me straight into hell. I couldn't be around her. There wasn't any way I could or would only be her friend.

And it had all started with that one kiss. So many doors had closed, after that. But so many more had opened. If only that blood sucker hadn't come back. I slammed my hand into the couch then, letting out a weak groan.

"Easy on the couch, son," my dad said and I lifted my head quickly. He was sitting right beside me in his wheel chair. I must not have heard him. "And if you don't mind my asking, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

I let out a breath. Billy loved Bella. He was the only one besides me and Embry who had seemed to want her back here. Probably because he thought she was the reason I had been getting great grades when she was around.

"I don't want to talk about it, dad," I said. I got up from the couch and went to the kitchen.

"Jacob Black, you hurt Bella on purpose! You love her and you pushed her away! You're doing the same thing she was doing, and it's not making you any better of a person!" he yelled and I shut the fridge.

"She made her choice, dad. I can't change that-"

"The HELL you can't! You know very damn well how much you have to actually say to that girl before she falls straight into your arms and out of that vampire's trance! You're just afraid!" Billy yelled and I slammed the cabinet I was looking in and faced him.

"I know I am, dad!" I yelled back. He was surprised, to say the least. I was too. I turned back around and gripped the counter, grinding my teeth at my weakness.

"Why, Jake? Why are you afraid?" he asked and I shook my head, looking up at the ceiling. So many reasons went through my head, but I knew the two paths I had ahead of me. Both of them held torture for Bella and I.

"Dad, what if she DOES choose that leech over me? Again? I don't think I could handle that," I said, releasing my hold on the counter. I could hear him rolling around behind me.

"Come sit down at the table, son," he said and I let out a breath. I pushed away from the counter and did as he said.

"There's no way she can, Jake. She can't choose him again. When she came here, I saw the way she looked. Her emotions are paper thin. She loves you, she's just afraid to take that step. She's afraid of getting hurt," Billy said and I put my hands on the table, playing with them for a moment.

"But that's the other problem, dad… What if she does fall in love with me? What if I DO make her choose me over him? And days, weeks, months later, I imprint on someone else? What if I break her heart?" I asked, my voice shaking. It cracked at the end. My dad reached forward and grabbed my hand. I could feel the tears behind my eyes.

"Then make sure she knows that before she chooses. I'm not saying it can't happen. You could suddenly lay eyes on someone and fall for them, easily. But you don't know what Bella's thinking. What she wants. Maybe she'll find having some weeks, months or even years with you is better than never having you at all," Billy said. I felt a tear slip down my cheek at the thought of Bella deciding that.

If she did, I think even if I did imprint on someone, I'd never be able to leave Bella's side.

Bella's POV

I tried to compose myself outside. Charlie was home, and I knew he was going to try to talk to me about how I got my battery for the truck back. I never thought lying would be so easy.

"I didn't. Mike Newton came over and took me to get another one. Thanks though, dad," I said, and took the stairs two at a time. I closed my door and leaned against it, taking in a deep breath. I slid down it and finally let go. Tears slid down my cheeks like rivers. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle my little cries of pain.

I'd never felt more miserable. I think this was even worse than when Edward left me. That was more shock than pain, I realized now. I had put everything into him. He was the whole reason I had stayed in Forks. And then when he disappeared, I had nothing. I was nothing.

But then Jacob, my rock, helped me pull myself together. With every day we had spent together, a shard of my heart came back to its right place. When we kissed in the kitchen, everything had seemed like it was going to be ok. I could survive without Edward.

"Don't cry, Bella," he said and I jumped. I looked up and saw Edward standing inside my window. I felt a roll of fury fly through me. He had invaded my privacy again. But I couldn't keep a hold of the anger. It slipped away just as fast as it had come. Pain took its place. He walked over to me and I worked hard not to flinch as he leaned down.

As he slipped his arms around me, picking me up off the floor bridal style, I couldn't help more tears. He was cold, and his skin was hard. I wrapped my arms around him, needing some sort of comfort. Even if it was wrong. He laid me out on my bed and then rolled onto his side next to me. I turned my face into my pillow as I felt him start to run his hands through my hair. Over the back of my head. Down my back. I shivered from the cold. I shuddered from the sudden onslaught of fresh tears.

Edward's hand became fingertips and I felt him pull my shirt up a little, touching my bare skin. I took in a deep breath. What was he doing? Couldn't he see me shivering? Or feel me? I pulled my face out of the pillow and turned to face him, just so I could get him to stop touching my back. It did the trick. He pulled his hand away.

"I tried to keep you from feeling this pain, my sweet Bella… I wish you had listened to me," he said, and I swallowed, looking into his eyes. They were nearly black, and I shivered again.

"You haven't eaten?" I asked, feeling something thick coming up inside my throat.

"I figured, after your visit, you might want to become one with my family," he said softly. I felt the air come out of me for the second time today. I looked at him, judging his seriousness and then sat up, pulling my knee up and resting my head against it. I dug my hand into my hair and felt him lean up beside me.

"Tell me, Bella… I need to know, now. You smell so incredible," he whispered and I shuddered. I could feel his body so near mine. Could feel his breath all over my skin. I didn't want this.

"Edward, I need time to think," I said, lifting my head so I could look at him. I supported my arm with my elbow on my knee, and supported my head with my hand. His eyes were a deeper black. His face was that of a stone statue. He was beautiful. But he wasn't Jacob's beautiful.

"Bella-"

"I can't, Edward. Not tonight. I need time," I said.

"You didn't need time when you put my family to a vote," he said. I could hear the anger in his voice, rising. I felt a drip of fear start to slip through my blood stream.

"Things are different now-"

"Only because that dog doesn't want to be your friend! So changing you has nothing to do with it!" he said at a half yell. Apparently he was still aware Charlie was home. I brought my hand down and scooted out of the bed, walking over to my closet. I needed distance. He was right there with me, behind me as I faced away from him. I needed a moment to think. Just a second…

It hit me then and I blinked before turning around to face him.

"Why did you change your mind?" I asked. If possible, I'm sure the color would have faded from his face and made him pale. I took a step towards him and he stepped back.

"You're afraid. You're afraid that Jacob might actually change his mind and want to see me. So you want to change me and guarantee I'll never see him again!" I said, trying to keep my voice down. If Charlie heard us…

"That's not it, Bella-"

"Then what is it?! You would have done anything to keep me from becoming like you a week ago! Now you come to my room, harassing me, invading my space, telling me to make the choice now?" I shook my head, looking at him. "You're too jealous," I whispered. He looked at me for a moment, his eyes as black as night. It was unsettling. I didn't know what he was planning.

He let out a breath then and brought his hand up to his eyes. I watched, taking a quiet step or two backwards, using my dresser to hold me up.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me," he said, his hand still pressed over his eyes. Was he willing away the hunger?

"Yeah, it seems to be an ongoing thing," I said softly, glancing down at my toes. "I think you should go now." He looked up at me, his eyes back to their soft amber glow. I let out a breath, not realizing how much safer I felt then.

"Bella, we need to talk about this... It's not going to go away," he said and I swallowed. That's what I was afraid of.

"Can't I just have a night to think? Please? You've taken so much from me, can't I just have this?" I pleaded. It seemed ridiculous that I was pleading for a moment of privacy. It seemed to work though. Edward nodded and glanced to the window. Then he stepped toward me.

"You are my life, Isabella Swan. Please, don't keep me waiting too long. I love you," he said. My heart fluttered and I almost laughed. Why did it now, out of all times, decide it wanted to like him again? He was right in front of me and I nodded. He reached down and took my lips in his. It was as if my mind had suddenly been wiped clean of thought.

His lips were cool and firm, opening and closing against my mouth. It was like things were back to normal. His hand went up my arm and I leaned into him. I lost myself for a moment. Until his teeth dragged gently across my lower lip. I pulled back instantly, holding my hand to my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I'll go. I need to feed," he said, swiftly. He sounded breathless. I nodded and turned away from him.

"Please, stay here… I'll come see you tomorrow," he said. Then I felt him leave. I slipped to the floor of my room, collapsing into a heap. I ran my tongue over my lower lip. Was this the last time I would feel his teeth on my skin? I pressed my head against the floor, trying to gauge how lost I was.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed Jake. More than anything, I needed him. I needed someone to talk to about all of this supernatural bull shit. My plans were shaky, but I knew I needed to see him within the next few days. I would comply with Edward's request to stay home tonight, mainly because I was too afraid of Jacob rejecting me again so soon. Maybe if I gave him some time…

A/N: GOD, you have no idea how many times I read and reread this chapter. I had to fix so many things, add so many sections, because it felt so off. What do you guys think? Am I just getting paranoid? And tell me what you think of Jake's POV song, if you listen to it!