Chapter 10 – In It For Life

Bella's POV

I hadn't been able to take it anymore…

"Jacob…" I had just gotten out of my car, and there he was, standing in the doorway to his house. Looking like personified sex, he had a towel wrapped around his waist. Imagine, water was still dripping down his chest. It rolled fondly over his abs, caressing him like a lover would, and then slipped into the dark abyss below the towel. I stopped a shiver from running down my spine. Whyyyy was he dressed like that? It was completely against what I came here for!

"Bella, you shouldn't be here…" he said, but he wasn't angry. He looked more like he was trying to run back into the house, run away from me. As I looked him over, he physically began to harden before me. He seemed on edge.

"If your leech sent you here to negotiate the treaty, forget it! We won't allow him to change you, Bella. We've all decided-" Jake started, then I saw him shaking. I don't understand, it usually took a lot more to get Jake all riled up like this. What had been happening earlier? I dropped my keys and ran up towards him. I put my hands on his chest as I tried to hush him. If he shifted and ran away now, I'd probably never get the courage to come back to La Push again. It had taken me three days since I'd seen Angela to be able to come now.

"Jacob, please, I'm not here for him. I needed to see you, it's been driving me crazy being without you," I said, saying the first things that came to mind. They were true, but it surprised me to hear them said aloud. God, I was so glad Edward wasn't here. Jacob was still shaking. I'm surprised his towel hadn't fallen from the convulsions running across his skin. I suddenly feared being so near to him. He grabbed my shoulder with one of his hands, tightly.

"You shouldn't be here then- I can't see you, Bella…" he seemed to be struggling for words, for sanity. His first broken string of thoughts pierced my heart like a fire poker.

"As long as you choose that leech- that blood sucker! over us, I can't be a part of your life," he said. Now I felt the poker turn to fire in my chest. I couldn't listen to him anymore. Something caught in my chest and I felt some weak sense of courage flow through me. I put my hand over his mouth, my other hand left on his chest.

"Jake, please, shut up… I can't trust the words that you're saying right now, you're too pissed off, and it's scaring me," I said softly, looking up into his eyes. His body seemed to die down immediately. Maybe he wasn't fond of scaring me. He looked back into my eyes and I felt myself trying to convey everything I felt at that exact moment. It was so hard, trying to speak everything I was thinking, telepathically.

His hand released its death grip on my shoulder and his body began to relax. In turn, mine did also. I didn't realize how in tune with Jake I really was. There was no doubt, I loved this boy. I just didn't know how to end things with Edward. And until I ended them, nothing could happen between Jake and I. Jacob couldn't know what I was planning, in case Edward ever tried to read his mind. I could only imagine what would happen if he heard my choice from Jacob and not myself. I felt something tighten in my chest and glanced away from Jacob's gaze. I knew I would start crying. I just knew it.

Jacob's POV

She glanced away from me and my hand immediately went to her chin. I turned her gaze back to mine. I couldn't believe I had almost phased with her right in front of me. Touching me, nonetheless. I let out a deep breath as her eyes burned fires into mine. I needed to get my temper under control.

I had been in the shower before she got here. I was thinking about what she might have been doing. I had let my thoughts get carried away. Too far away. I had thought of her and the leech in bed. Thought of her and him how I wanted her and I to be. There was no running away from it, I was too jealous of a person. Whenever I tried to think of Bella and I together, all I got was glimpses of pasty white skin pressed against hers. I had been in a rage.

Then I heard her car coming, over the sound of the spray of the shower. Any other normal car would have slipped under my senses, but her truck was a monster. I had jumped out of the shower, blood pounding in my ears. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me as I ran to my front door and threw it open.

And there she was, climbing out of her truck. She looked amazing, the same as she had the last time I'd seen her. She was wearing a deep purple shirt with a pair of shorts I'd never seen her wear before. I'd never seen her wear anything that showed that much leg. Her appearance side tracked me from what I'd been thinking about in the shower. For a moment.

Tears started tipping over her eyelids as I watched her now. She tried to pull her face away again but I kept her where she was. My arms were encircling her the next moment. As much as I wanted to stay away from Bella and her leech, I didn't think I had the power to do it anymore. She had hurt me so much, and here she was, back in my arms again. Embry and my father both wanted me to get her away from the Cullens. And as much as my pack disliked her, they didn't want the treaty broken any more than I did.

Everyone was rooting for me to reel Bella into my arms and keep her there. I seemed to be the only one fighting it any more. I rested my cheek on top of her head, holding her to me tightly. She smelled like Bella, not a trace of vampire on her. The thought suddenly occurred to me that in order for that to happen, she would have had to have not seen him for about twenty four to thirty two hours. With a couple showers thrown in. I was grateful. I had to remember to ask her why she hadn't seen the leech, later.

"Jacob, I don't know what to do…" she kept muttering into my chest. I couldn't describe how much I loved her hands on me, her breath tickling across my chest. I stroked her hair to keep from thinking more about what she felt like.

"Come inside, Bells. Let me change," I said, pulling away a little to try and look at her. She glanced up at me and nodded. I ran my thumbs under her eyes to wipe away her tears before I grabbed her hand and pulled her into my home. I let go of her hand in the living room and continued on to my room. I almost closed the door on her.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I asked. She looked up at me with weak eyes, flooded with tears.

"Please, don't leave me," she said, and I felt my heart literally crack into two pieces and sink into my stomach. I couldn't turn her down, even if I had wanted to. I just thought she would have wanted to wait out in the living room. I pulled back and opened the door for her to come in. She trained her eyes to the floor and passed me. She went to my bed and sat down. I shut the door, trying to figure out how to change, modestly, inside my room with her there. I'd never had to do it before.

I walked over to my closet and searched for a pair of pants, also trying to determine if I could crawl into the tiny space and change there. No fucking way.

I went over to my dresser for a pair of boxers and then glanced up at Bella. She was staring straight at me. Alright, the hard way then. I needed to take my mind off her eyes glued to my body.

"Why don't you smell like vampire?" I asked, reminding myself of my previous thoughts. Her eyes finally lifted to mine and I took the chance to stick my feet in my boxers and pull them on under my towel. That was significantly easier than I'd planned.

"I haven't seen anyone in two days," she said softly. Her eyes fluttered down again and I willed away a boner. God, why was she making this so difficult? "Except for Charlie, of course."

"Why?" I asked, turning my back to her. I kept the towel on and worked on sliding my pants on beneath the towel. Suddenly, the towel was gone. I turned around and saw Bella dropping it to the floor. My jaw probably hit the ground with it.

"It's hard to explain," she whispered. A human might not have heard her. I was caught with my pants halfway up my legs. I started pulling them the rest of the way up and she stepped closer to me.

"Bella, wait," I said, swallowing. She paused, looking up into my eyes. "What are you doing?" I asked. I didn't know what in the HELL was going on. And if she was still with that leech, there was no way I was going to just be her boy toy. I wanted Bella, all mine.

She seemed to realize what she was doing then and turned her back to me. I took the opportunity to quickly pull my pants up and tuck my boxers in under them.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I really don't know what I'm doing…" she said and I tried to will my heart beat to slow. I had just turned down Bella Swan. I'd never thought it was possible. I walked up behind her, trying to decipher what was still friend status.

"It's ok, just… We need to talk about what's going on with you," I said, wrapping my arms around her waist. Yeah, not friend status. But it was there and I was about to have a raging case of hormones if I didn't touch her.

She turned around in my arms and pressed her hands to my chest again. I took in a breath and begged my heart to not pound into her hand. Her lips were begging to be kissed. I didn't know if I could keep from obliging.

"I don't know what to say," she said, biting on her lower lip. I grasped at my last strand of control. I pulled away and grabbed her hand. I needed to get out of my room. The bed seemed to be calling for me to throw her on it. I led her out to the living room and sat down, pulling her down beside me.

"Jake, things have just been so off… Ever since I came back from Italy, being with Edward has just been…"

"A mistake?" I supplied.

"Difficult," she said, looking up at me. Damn. Well, at least things weren't peachy in the land of the vampires.

"How do you mean? What's been difficult?" I asked. She bit on her lip. God, I wanted to bite it for her. I wanted to lick her lip, touch her tongue, feel her warm mouth once again. I dragged my mind out of the gutter. She looked like she was trying to figure out what she could tell me. Was the vampire around, listening in? Or was she just trying to keep from hurting me by telling my lies? Either way, I didn't want to listen to what she was saying if it wasn't true and decoded.

"Bella, you came here to talk, so just, tell me what's going on, before I go crazy," I said, reaching forward to grab her hands. I pulled her closer to me and she came, almost too willingly. The rest of our conversation went at lightening speed.

"Jake, if he reads your mind-"

"I don't care if he does-"

"If he knows what's going to happen-"

"He won't read my mind, Bell-"

"If he touches you-"

"He would never catch me."

"If he were to hurt you-"

"I don't care if he hurts me-"

"I do!" she cried, looking up at me. Her eyes were filling again. I reached around wiped at her cheek again. "I don't know what will happen if he reads your mind, if he finds out what I'm thinking. If he knows what's coming-" she broke off and I couldn't handle the anticipation any more. Instead of continuing to yell for her to tell me what was going on, I just tucked her into my embrace and tried to stay quiet. What was she planning on doing? Was she going to ask the little pixie vamp to change her? If so, why was she here, wanting to talk to me about it? I couldn't figure out what else could possibly be running through her head.

"He might kill you," she whispered. I tried not to laugh at the thought of that leech trying to even scratch me. "I wouldn't be able to bear him hurting you… If he ever touched you, one finger-" she broke off. I could hear irritation in her voice, fear, loathing. Where were all of these feelings coming from? I felt her lips brush against my chest and my mind went blank. Against my own will, I let out a weak moan. I shook my head quickly, trying to get back into control. I could hear my breath coming in shallow gasps. She moved closer to me and I grabbed her hip, keeping her still as I squeezed my eyes shut. Everything was Bella in that moment. I couldn't reach for anything that didn't feel or smell like her.

"Jake-" she whispered. I glanced up, trying to make sure she had been the one to speak my name. She had sounded so passionate, so heady. Her eyes matched the sound of her voice. I was in shock, surely. I turned my head into the back of the couch and pressed my face into it. I needed to speak to Sam, and get a new lesson on control. This wasn't working anymore. The wolf inside of me was growing too strong, too sexual.

"Can we just… watch a movie, or something? Or I could make you dinner?" she asked, quietly. I nodded into the couch. Anything to put a little distance between us. I felt her get up off the couch and fought the undeniable urge to grab her and toss her back onto the couch. I bit the fabric, feeling every hormone calling out for Bella. What the hell was wrong with me?

I took a few minutes to chill out. I'm glad Bella stayed away. She seemed to feel how close I was to the edge. A dark, dangerous precipice lie below me, and I was about to go gallivanting into it. I didn't even have a parachute.

"Do you want brownies, or cupcakes? Anything?" she called from the kitchen. I finally felt brave enough to pull away from the couch.

"Whatever you feel like making." I called out. My voice was weak, hoarse. I swallowed a few times and then coughed to clear it. I stood up, took in a deep breath, and then went to the kitchen. Bella was busying herself, pulling boxes out, eggs, oils and so on. I leaned into the door frame and watched her. I watched as she tried to reach for the non stick spray I had always placed on the highest shelf in the house, to guarantee Billy didn't try to cook something on his own. Instead of walking over and grabbing it for her, I watched her climb onto the counter and get it. She must not have realized I was there because when she turned to get back down, she fell face forward.

I ran forward to catch her, of course. I thanked heaven my reflexes were so quick. And that the kitchen was so small.

"Jesus, Bella, be careful," I said, cradling her in my arms. I set her down and she used me to stand up straight and get her balance. She mumbled a weak thank you and then went back to her cooking. I helped whenever I could after that.

About an hour later, we were sitting in the living room. The pan of brownies lay in front of us on the table and some movie was on in the background, I don't think either of us really noticed what it was. We seemed to both be trying to control our breathing, our hands. I'm sure she was exhibiting every bit of control she had, just as I was. I didn't understand it. If she loved Edward so much, if she was with him, why was she here, doing this to the both of us? Obviously, she'd noticed by now that the chemistry between us was too phenomenal to ignore. Ever since our kiss…

I glanced at her. She was looking at me. She glanced away. I looked away. It was a game we seemed to be playing. I loved catching her looking at me though. So I let the game continue. I reached over to turn on the lamp so I could actually see her now. It was getting dark.

"Shit," she muttered, getting to her feet. I followed suit.

"What's wrong?" I reached out for her arm as she passed me. She turned into me, her body flush up against mine. Our lips were centimeters from each other. She shut her eyes, tightly.

"I didn't realize it was already past 7… I have to get home, now," she said, pulling away from me. Thank god, I could actually breathe now. She seemed to be throwing herself into me at every turn. Maybe it was a good thing she was leaving-

"Why do you have to get home? Call Charlie, I'm sure he won't mind if you stay later," I said, shrugging.

"I can't, Jake, I have to get home-" she said, and it suddenly hit me like a rock. I tried to relax my body at its sudden tenseness.

"Have to go tend to your leech now, huh?" I asked, unable to help the images flooding into my mind from the shower. Her eyes went a little wide.

"No! It's not like that! We don't… We don't do things, like that," she said. Shock inched over my expression. They didn't have sex? What the hell was she talking about? I wiped the expression from my face. She must be lying, to keep me from phasing.

"Why not?" I asked, digging for more information. Even if she was lying, I'm sure something would slip. She looked baffled. She glanced at the clock and then turned away.

"I'm not talking about this with you, Jacob Black," she said. I ran after her and grabbed her wrist, turning her back to me yet again. If she was telling the truth, it would make sense. Maybe that's why she was almost all over me, jumping me. I raised my hand to her cheek, fluttering my fingers over her skin.

"Bells, tell me. Why don't you do things with your leech lover? Do you not want to?" I asked, trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't imagine the giddy feeling that would run through me if she said she was holding out because she didn't know if he was "the one," or whatever girls called it.

She seemed to fall into my arms, like a limp pillow. She paused, gazing up at me for a while. A look of comprehension seemed to fall over her face and she straightened a little against me.

"… He can't handle it. Whenever he's near me, he wants to bite me. Whenever we kiss, it threatens my life, so making love isn't even plausible," she said. Whoa. Whatever I had expected her to say, it was nowhere near that. I felt the spasms work their way through my body. All the images that were in the shower, they had disappeared, but only to be replaced by Bella. Alone. I couldn't handle it. I don't know why it affected me so much. I breathed heavily, trying to hold back from shifting, but I'd already stopped it several times today. I couldn't do it again.

"I told you, we shouldn't have talked about this-" she started, but I shook my head, heavily. I could feel the prickling sensation right beneath my skin. It was too late.

"Move, Bella, now!" I yelled. She jumped to the side as I ran past her, trying to make it far enough away so she couldn't see me. Fat chance. I phased not even ten paces away. I took a few trots and then stopped, throwing my head back to howl. No one's thoughts assaulted me now. I had caught a glimpse of Paul's, but as soon as I let out my howl, he changed to human form. My pack knew that cry. I needed time alone. I couldn't have them attacking me with their thoughts and concerns. I bolted into the forest, not even looking back at Bella.

After running for nearly an hour, I could finally rest in the forest. I laid down by a huge oak and buried my nose in my paws. I couldn't face Bella again… The thought of her staying with that FREAK of a boyfriend she had… I huffed.

I tried to imagine what it would be like to be Bella. The desire to express love in such a deep way, stripped from you, because you were afraid to die. If she was mine, I'd show her how much I loved her every night, so long as she allowed me. I would address her body like a goddess's, how she deserved to be treated. I couldn't keep my hands off her now, I couldn't envision not being able to touch her if she was mine.

But what bothered me most was none of this. What ticked me off was that, even though he couldn't touch her, couldn't love her, couldn't give her children or a happy life, she was still with him. She still chose him. She still wanted to be with him, over me. And that was going to kill her. Not only physically, when she became a vampire, but emotionally. Until the day she became a vampire, he wouldn't be able to touch her. Her human form would never know love.

She probably sat now, at home, alone, wondering what I was doing. I wasn't jealous of that leech any more. Not at all. I was hurting for Bella.

I couldn't be jealous, if he couldn't give her any of the things I could. A flash of him making love to her passed through me. His fangs sinking into her. I howled out again, unable to keep the thoughts from assaulting me. I wouldn't let him change her. I would kill him before he tried, before he got close enough to do it.

Bella's POV

I finally made it to my room and slammed the door shut, leaning my back against it. I was breathing heavily. I had run from my car, up the stairs and into my room. I ran my hands through my hair and tried to keep from falling apart. Jacob… My Jacob. God, why was I so stupid?! WHY did I tell him something about Edward and I? Why did he have to press me, to tease me, to talk me into giving him his answers?!

When he had touched my cheek, trying to work a response out of me, the only thing I'd been able to think of was 'Edward could never do this. Tease me like this, to get what he wanted. He's always so in control. And if he wasn't I'd be dead now, a vampire.'

I was so utterly furious for giving in to Jacob when I knew I shouldn't have. Now what was he doing? Was he angry with me? Would he refuse to see me again? God, I couldn't bear it.

I went to my bed and flopped face down onto it.

"Idiot!" I yelled into the pillow. All the thoughts of the night came running at me then. I couldn't believe I had almost instigated something with Jacob in his room. I was impossibly shocked when he actually kept me from one of the most idiotic decisions I had almost made. I couldn't be with Jacob before I'd broken it off with Edward… There was no way I would hurt him that badly. I let out a deep breath.

But tonight… There had been some ridiculous force pulling me back to Jacob every time. Every time I caught his gaze, every time we brushed hands, I just wanted to jump on him and scream for him to take me. I don't know what was so different about tonight. But it was the hardest thing I'd ever done to get off that couch and cook brownies instead of straddle him.

I rolled over and looked up at my ceiling. I needed to figure out how I was going to tell Edward. BEFORE the next time I saw Jacob. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from him any longer.

A/N: Chapter's song : In It For Life – Sick Puppies. Decipher it how you'd like. But I'd like to know what you think.